Do I have a daddy?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Whenever we’ve written about “daddy” questions here, you’ve opened up to offer heartfelt advice. You generously gave advice to this single mom who worried about what to tell her two-year-old daughter when she started asking, “Where’s daddy?” You also offered suggestions to this single mom who worried about her father-less son.
This week, the single mom of a four year-old son wrote to ask for some help. She was with her her son’s father for four years and they broke up when their son was a baby (after he had an affair that made him a father again).
“My son’s father has never really been apart of his life,” she says. “It’s not just the fact that he cheated on me, but I found out that he started to deal drugs.”
When she brought up getting some help for him, he waved off her offer. She considered suggesting any number of drug addiction interventions — especially after she’d heard through friends that her ex was still dealing. But she hasn’t heard from him for months.
“Right now, this is best because I don’t want my son in that type of environment. Yet, in the back of my mind, I wonder if I’m doing my son a disservice — because ultimately, this man is his father.”
“I’m really at my wit’s end, worrying about this,” this mom tells us.”I don’t want my son to resent me later in life, or suffer emotionally or developmentally. I can’t change my ex,” she adds, “but I don’t know what to tell my son when he starts to ask about his dad.”
This is definitely a complicated situation. Of course, her son’s bio-dad is neglectful and likely never to be a “daddy” to his son. But, we’re obviously concerned about exposing a child to any adult who’s doing and dealing drugs.
We know that many of you have had experience coping with a partner’s addiction and illegal activities.
So, we’re asking you to help this single mom out.
What’s your advice on how to respond to her son’s inevitable “daddy questions”?
Does every child have a right to know the other parent?
Or, is contact with a drug dealing parent absolutely out of the question?
(Photo courtesy of WoodleyWonderWorks)
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Twitter @ exploredheights
This is a tough one. The hard part is that he is a boy and will need good male role models. I know that this will sound harsh, but I would rather my son have better role models. The boy will look up to his drug dealing dad, so if the man wants to stay away, then maybe that’s not such a bad thing. In saying that, I am NOT an expert in this area, and have not experienced this. I just could not imagine the pain your going through. I take off my hat to you, as this is a tough one
Its a difficult question and one that so many single moms (some dads too) struggle with. I know from experience that the legal system overwhelmingly votes for involvement of both parents, even in situations like this one. I would recommend never trying to block a father out of a kid’s life. If visitation were a possibilty, there should be evidence for supervised visitation. When the child is old enough he can decide for himself.
I know firsthand how difficult it is to emotionally survive this kind of betrayal. As a mom, there is a feeling of needing justice. At times I wanted to punish my ex by avoiding his phone calls (less than once a month anyway), but in the end I’ve had to make different decisions. I never want my daughter to say “…it’s your fault I don’t know him.” One can hope (dream?) that there is also a possibility of reform on the part of the father some day. This mom might consider applying formally for legal and physical custody and child support with the help of a lawyer. As far as daddy questions, it helps to have other non-traditional families in your network. These days who doesn’t know other single parent households where a second parent isn’t involved or homes with 2 moms or 2 dads? Also I’d recommend finding a single parent support group nearby. There are lots of us (unfortunately) facing similar truths.
Najla: This is a tough situation. We agree. Thanks for joining the conversation and lending your support. Please visit us again soon.
I think this mom has two issues to deal with – her son’s school and her son. My daughter has never seen her father and he has no interest in being in our lives. So my situation is certainly a bit different, but I think some overlap applies.
With regards to school – I moved my daughter to a new daycare center where I am the only single parent. Soon after my daughter’s arrival I got hit with what felt like a sudden avalanche of questions around ‘daddy’ and the fact that everyone had one but her. Come to find out she was getting questioned by friends at school. I spent time talking with the teacher about it and came up with a game plan for how to navigate it. I provided the teacher with ways I had discussed it with my daughter — ex. we don’t have a daddy who lives with us, there are daddy’s in our lives who love her though – grandpa, uncles, friends, etc. I also reinforced that what defines a family is love, not mother/father/siblings.
The teacher used circle time to discuss ‘families’ and what that encompasses and that all families are different and great. With other children, I didn’t explain our situation I merely stated – we don’t have a dad in our family. I have asked the teachers to follow suit – when it persisted beyond that, I would take it up with the parent individually to help navigate their child’s questions.
That said, the woman above is right – it is a tough situation and you never want to put yourself in the role as the parent who denied them their father – however, endangerment (like dealing drugs) is a deal breaker in my mind. I think the mom should ask herself if she had a friend/family member who was dealing/abusing drugs would she expose her son to that person? I suspect the answer would be no and/or in a limited supervised fashion. If that is true, the father shouldn’t get a pass because he’s the father.
I think it is extremely difficult at this age to explain to children that a parent is incapable of being a dad/mom. But I strongly feel that this mom can not let her fears of her son’s resentment cloud her decision making. She has the power to make certain her son has male role models in his life be it through friends, family or organizations like big brother/big sister. As he gets older, she will be able to have more complex conversations around why his father is not an active part of his life.
As single parents we all face difficult questions about the missing parent at various stages along the way. I think the best we can do for our children is to validate their feelings/concerns/needs and not demonize the missing parent.
We are in a simliar situation, because my stepkids Mom is a long term drug addict & alcoholic. She cheated on my husband when they were together as well.
We’ve spent lots of money & energy trying to help her have some sort of healthy relationship with the kids. Judge ordered Mom into rehab/AA meetings, random drug testing, extensive supervised visitations, etc.. (she’s currently ordered to do another 90 days of random drug & alcohol testing).
So yeah, it’s an uphill battle, however I personally think it’s important for the kids to maintain some kind of relationship with their non-custodial parent. Just put as many safety nets in place as you can to protect the kids.
Pbajmom: We love to hear from step-parents and we appreciate how much you’re doing to make sure that your kids have a relationship with their birth mother. Please keep us updated.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Is the father ASKING to be involved in the son’s life? If the answer is “no” then why make him involved? Why make someone who has chosen a deprived and dangerous lifestyle a part of your son’s life?
My ex is an addict and alcoholic. For the first 8 months we were apart, he was a very absent father. And I kept him that way, because I knew I couldn’t trust him.
I restricted his visitation (by law, I couldn’t take it away). If he had them overnight where he was living (he was renting a room in a couple’s house), it was for ONE night and it was during a week day – when I knew temptations of going out to clubs weren’t there. If he wanted them during the weekend, they had to be at his parents’ house. Really, anytime it was for a weekend or longer than one night, they were at his parents’ house. And guess what? It got my point across to him – that I DIDN’T trust him. And as much as he hated it, he respected and knew I had reason not to trust him.
Because of lack of child support though, I moved my girls and myself out to California with my mom, and where I have the rest of my immediate family. Ever since two months before we left, I’ve gotten child support on time, every month.
Right now, my girls are with their dad during his first visit out to CA. He admitted to me, that him having to travel 3000 miles to see his daughters is his biggest failure in life. Wow, right? But guess what? It was my tough love and holding him accountable, that made him get to that realization. Which is what you have to do with addicts.
ANYWAY (I always ramble with my replies, sheesh)!
I don’t see the point in involving the father. None. Not unless he comes around later and insists. Even then, I would be strict with visitation. In your case, I would NOT allow overnight stays. If he gets up in arms about that, threaten to take him to court – I bet he’d back off real quick. Last thing a drug dealer or addict wants, is to step foot in a court house and before a judge. And if he doesn’t back off, go through with it, and demand supervised visits.
As for daycare friends, well.. that’s rough. I don’t really have a good answer. My kids get to tell other kids, that their dad lives in Washington DC. The simplest answer, I would think, would just be that he doesn’t live with you guys, and he’s really busy. He’s too young to explain WHY his dad isn’t a part of his life (as much as you really want to – at least I did).
Good luck! Being a single mom is hard. But having an addict as an ex just makes it harder.
Jenni´s last blog ..Their First Visit & A Lonely Night
Twitter @ BruceLeeEyes
I’m dealing with the fact that my son’s father is absent in his life right now. He just walked out and didn’t look back basically. I wanted to find a positive and empowering way to broach the subject with my son. So I decided to talk about it in a way where there are no victims. Essentially everyone has there own power of choice to make their own decisions. We may not understand them or agree, however, we can understand that they are using their power to make their own choices. Even though you are a child, you are making choices all the time too, etc. I wrote a book about it called “My Choice” because I know way too many women who are going through the same thing. It’s important to teach your children to take personal responsiblity for their own choices. So if they are exposed to this information, it takes the “blame” factor out of the whole situation.
For instance, “your dad left because he cheated on mommy.” “you dad left because he is an immature scum bag” These may all be true! LOL But telling the kid that won’t help. So this is what I did and it feels good on the inside when I can tell my son this. It feels like I’m getting a “Two – for -one”. Firstly, it is empowering and secondly it teaches him to be responsible, with a little dose of empathy on the side.
Does every child have a right to know the other parent?
I think that depends on each person’s individual situation. There are safety issues if the parent is abusive, has a criminal lifestyle and associations, or is mentally unstable. Other than that I think it can be a “good” thing if loving boundaries are set up between the two parents. Meaning the other parent knows that your child has a certain “schedule” and they need to honor that boundary for the sake and stability of the child. If that is possible.
Or, is contact with a drug dealing parent absolutely out of the question….
If the person is actively using drugs, their judgment is impaired. My humble opinion is, if at all possible, never let the child see the parent using or in the state of being high. If the parent is seeking rehab and is successful in receiving treatment and other than that, they were an active parent, I would let them see the child, supervised with boundaries, until they can prove that their sobriety is going to continue. How long that takes for each individual is for them to decide. This is of course my humble opinion.
Blessings to all of the mothers out there!
Christina
http://cnsmithauthor1.wordpress.com/2010/08/11/the-beginning-my-choice/
Twitter @ BruceLeeEyes
Please excuse my typos in the previous post! I hit enter before I proofread! I need that morning cup of coffee stat!
Christina Smith´s last blog ..Superwoman! Whoa- slow down there a second!
I started out leaving the door open for my son’s father to visit. When I learned that having him around make me a bad parent because he made me crazy, I had to change things up. I set limitations, he could come and get his son whenever he wanted, but could only take him to the grandparents’ house. I thought after a few weeks of this that the novelty would wear off, but over three years later he has rarely missed a weekend. They have a great relationship, and my son is now extremely close to his retired grandparents, and a few of his cousins who also spend most weekends there. I never imagined it would work out this well. Of course, I also had to “let go” of some of my control issues, and have faith that son’s father would keep him in a safe and sane environment for two days at a time.
And yes, he is an alcoholic. Some of his “friends” have referred to him as NFA (no fixed address) for a nickname. Harsh. But he is sensitive to his son, and I am there to un-do some things at the end of the weekend.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I required as part of his visitation that he test clean, and he’s never been able to meet that obligation. My girls have seen their father when I can be assured that a responsible adult (usually one of his sisters) is in charge, though it’s getting rarer and rarer. As they got older, I was able to explain more and more about their dad, and they’ve gone to therapy to help them deal with their feelings. My youngest says it best: she loves her dad, but she doesn’t miss him. When she talks to him, it’s more like talking to an uncle, and they have both learned not to count on him for anything.
It was really really hard for me in the beginning, especially when they were too young to understand concepts like drugs and love not always being enough, but you CAN survive this, and your son can, too. As long as your son knows that he has you, he’ll be fine.
April´s last blog ..10 Reasons my Riley is awesome
Just be honest about THE other parents behavior without telling your judgment or frustrations about THE way he or she acts differently from you in THE role of being à parent. Always tell them THE other parentsloves you daughter or Son, may be hè/she will present it in another way as you do or want or at another time. Kids wants to know their parents loves them, even if the conditions are bad.
Najla: May-be this bio-dad staying away is NOT a bad ting. This single mama is struggling with that very issue. We appreciate your visit and thoughtful words. Please do visit us again soon.
Shantih67: This is well said. Just be honest about the behavior without the judgments. We’re so glad you joined this conversation. We’re hoping you’ll visit us again soon.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
I don’t agree with Shantih67 at all.
WHY would you tell a 4-year-old that their father is a drug dealer? My girls are 4 and 5, and there is NO WAY I would tell them their dad is an addict.
1.) That’s too much for a young child to handle.
2.) You’re basically airing your dirty laundry to EVERYONE. No thanks!
Could you imagine the reaction this woman’s son would get if he was asked, “Where is your dad?” and his answer was, “He doesn’t live with us, and he’s a drug dealer.” Sure, a 4-year-old doesn’t mean to air your business, but that’s just what they do! Now classmates, teachers, and maybe even parents know the 411 on this kid’s and his mother’s life.
Being honest happens when they hit the 13 year or older mark. Not as a pre-schooler. Obviously my advice is to NOT be honest with this child.
When my ex was absent I explained it like this, “You’re dad is very busy. He’s working a lot. But he still loves you, and will see you when he’s ready.” This did two things: 1.) Assured them he was still around and loved them, and 2.) Put the responsibility of coming around on HIM, not me.
And RE: the Twitter question – should this mom sit tight? The answer is yes. Go about life like you always do. Be there for your son. Don’t harp on his dad. If he sees his father’s absence is bothering you, then it’s going to bother HIM.
I feel the one reason my daughters have adjusted so well to having me around 99% of the time now and moving completely across country, is because I don’t focus on the fact that their dad isn’t here. I don’t even bring him up. If they want to talk about him: their memories, any questions, etc., then we talk. We talk about what they remember. I answer their questions as honestly as possible, without giving them info they don’t need (ie: like he’s an addict).
Just BE there. Accept the fact that he’s not around. And if he does come around, act from there. But don’t stress out over someone that’s currently not a presence.
Jenni´s last blog ..Their First Visit & A Lonely Night
Jenni: I’m not totally sure that is what @Shantih67 meant. I think she meant focus on behavior related to his addiction (e.g., not always able to keep his promises) not blurt out an inappropriate “tell all” about his drug habit. As April emphasized, these conversations are so difficult with young kids because they lack the maturity and experience to understand the situation. And, obviously, as adults, we’re also struggling to put everything into perspective. One of the biggest challenges for single moms grappling with the “Daddy questions” is how much information kids really need to know. Thanks, Jenni for reminding us of that potential pitfall.
Twitter @ http://onein36million.wordpress.com
Where I live, the ‘legal take’ on kids and parents is that all kids have a right to know both parents. This is how the courts here approach ‘access’ or ‘visitation’ – it’s not the parent’s right to have access to the child, but the other way around.
BUT.
It doesn’t sound like the single mother is denying her child access to the father. It sounds as though she’s making the choice to not pursue the father and try to force him to be active in his child’s life, and as though she’s struggling with this. Am I right?
So no, I don’t think that she’s doing her son a disservice. The father is. At one point my son’s father (alcoholic, abusive, vindictive, hurtful) was absent for around two months, and when he finally did call, he gave ME a hard time for it. What kind of mother was I, didn’t I want my son’s father involved in his life, why didn’t I call him? I told him clearly that it is not my responsibility to keep him involved in his son’s life, that’s his own choice to make, it’s all on him to be a good father.
For what it’s worth, I do my best to keep my judgements of my son’s father’s behaviour to myself – I don’t share them with my son. His father has now been absent for nearly four years. I NEVER tell my son that his father loves him. To me, that would send mixed messages that are beyond what a four year old can handle. Instead, I reinforce how much everyone in his life loves him.
What to do about the school? I started early with my son. His daycare knows the drill: his father is not a part of his family, he lives far away, we never see him. As my son ages, we add little bits of age-appropriate understanding. Does he need to know all the nasty negative details? NO. He needs to know that he is safe and loved unconditionally, that his father’s disappearance is not a reflection of his own self-worth, and that I will answer any question he has. Now, I’ve gotten away from school it seems … but here’s an example. A week or so ago we had dinner with friends, and their daughter asked where Cameron’s father was, why doesn’t she ever see him with his dad? Before I could answer, Cameron had his ‘spiel’ going. “My dad isn’t a part of my family, it’s just me and my mom, we’re a family just us.” Not defensive, just a statement, same tone of voice another kid might use to say, “Oh, daddy works late.” Talking about it openly and helping a child to understand gives them the tools they need to handle their situation.
I’ve recommended the Tod Parr Family Book here before, and I will again. It’s a great starting off point for discussions – because at four, a child should be able to discuss and ask questions.
Melanie´s last blog ..Things I Want to Always Remember
Twitter @ notthecar
There is no easy answer but based on re child’s age there are simple answers.
1st what exactly is the dad’s intention? If he doesn’t want to be bothered that’s an step already taken. Is he local? Far? What’s the chance you would run Ito him? Because the child is still preschool age there doesn’t need to be an extensive amount of explanation. If dad is in another state well your response is just that easy “Dad lives someplace far away”. Easy to the point and true. As children age you give more info at age appropriate levels.
Twitter @ darladar
im just now becoming a single mom, i just now comforted my son when his dad left tonite to go back to where he is living 70 miles away.
i am learning that i need to “let things happen” i have to let my children see what their dad does, and says. I do not make excuses for dad, i do not say negative things about dad. I do tell my children that daddy and mommy love them very much and that things will be ok.
if dad is absent let the child learn and experience it and be sure to just listen when the child needs to talk. there doesnt need to be a long elaborate explanation. a simple, “he doesnt live with us” will suffice. answer each question as simple as possible. answers specifically to the questions, dont volunteer information. it can easily become “it was my fault” when too much information is given.
Twitter @ teresa_coates
It’s been eleven years since my kids’ father left and in that time he’s made some pretty poor choices and that’s how it’s always been told to them. He has made some poor choices. It wasn’t until they were older (and figured out that years before it’d been a *bong* sitting on the coffee table, not an art project as he’d said) that the fact that their father uses a lot of drugs was brought up. And it was only brought up when I realized he was high as a kite with the three of there for a visit. Mine no longer spend any time with him alone (after offering drugs to the teenage son) and we rarely see him. Mostly he’s some figure that we know exists, but has no impact.
When my daughter was smaller she was bothered by the “where’s your daddy?” question, too. We came up with all sorts of answers, including the honest “I don’t know” and the blatant lie “Traveling in Africa.” Sometimes it was fun to make up stories about where he could be, especially since we really didn’t know!
I think it is incredibly important to reiterate that whatever he does on his time is HIS choice and reflects nothing on the child. Don’t give specific details (my kids know he uses drugs, but not which ones) since it isn’t helpful information.
Like I said, it’s been a decade-plus of dealing with the absent, drug-abusing ex-husband. At this point, it isn’t a big deal. My daughter missed out on having a father and that sucks. A lot. But it could’ve been worse and don’t ever forget–there are LOTS of great people who grew up without their father.
Teresa Coates´s last blog ..Someday I May Laugh About It
My daughter’s father has never been in our lives. I’ve always been fair, and honest – told her that he wasn’t ready to be a dad, that it wasn’t anything to do with her, that he is a nice person etc. I told her about his good qualities, funny stories the 2 of us had shared. Gold star for me, I thought. However, now she’s older, she is having trouble grasping the reality of the situation, and is ashamed that I was unmarried, angry with him for leaving, angry with me for letting him leave… I don’t know how much she is really upset, and how much she is just pushing my buttons because she knows she can upset me. Sometimes you can’t win, whatever you say, and you just have to keep being the good mum who keeps things together, and is taken for granted.
MLC: How old is your daughter? When girls are at a certain tween/teen stage, mothers seem unable to do anything right. Sounds like you handled your personal situation with grace and dignity. We’re betting this is a “pushing Mom’s buttons” phase, which we hope quickly passes. Thanks for joining the conversation.
She is pre-teen, hormonal, and on the autistic spectrum, it’s a great combination! She alternates between being a joy to spend time with, and thinking that I am the fetid source of everything that is wrong with her life/the world/the universe. Thanks for the encouraging words, it does help when somebody, somewhere says ‘you’re probably doing this right’.
I had to deal with this situation. My daughter’s father is bipolar and has a drug addiction. He has no interest in seeing her and it is hard for me when she asks about her daddy. I was raised by a single mom from day 1 and from that perspective I have to say is better to keep the kid away from the dad at least until the kid is old enough to understand the whole situation. That is not a good role model, you don’t want your kid exposed to that and I’m sure she can get better role models. The mom can try to explain things in a way the kid can understand. I told my daughter that her dad is very sick on his head and because of that he is unable to see her but her mommy and the rest of the family loves her very much. When she grows more I plan to explain to her the whole thing but for now I just keep it simple. Maybe she can try to say something similar making emphasis that is the daddy having a problem but that there is a big family that loves him.
Twitter @ mavimont1
I would like to share my daughter’s experience with her “now you hear him,now you don’t” dad. My ex hubby and I are separated for 19 years now. He ran off with his mistress when my daughter was 2 1/2 years old. i’m not saying it was all his fault because I believe that it takes two for a relationship to work as well as it also takes two to break it up. i’m no saint but for him to put us through heart breaks is very hurtful. Ever since the divorce, he was rarely in my daughter’s life. Now that my daughter is 21 and in university, he decided to pop up out of the blue. He contacted my daughter via email. But one day, my daughter was on facebook when this 12 year old girl asked her if my daughter is a distant cousin. when my daughter inquired who she was and who her father was, my daughter was surprised when the girl mentioned who her father is. My daughter then introduced herself and told this girl that they are sisters. the girl then told her dad that she met my daughter on facebook claiming they have the same father. My ex husband then contacted my daughter and told her not to contact his daughter again and if ever his daughter gets in touch again, my daughter has to deny or retract what she told her.
This has tore my daughter and caused her to dislike her father. I was boiling mad and wanted to call him and tell him to get back where he came from but my daughter said he is not worth the time or money.
I have sheltered my daughter all these years from these situations but it seems that I cannot stop things like this from happening. At least, my daughter now knows what a COW his dad is. My daughter has emerged the bigger person in this situation. She said that she was hurt and felt betrayed but she also said that at the end of the day, he is her father and nothing can turn that around. She is hoping that someday, he will realize the error of his ways.
i wish I could be mature about it but she is my daughter and i have a duty to protect her even from her father.