If your kids are stressed at parenting time
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Tips & Advice
Although there are different legal ways to describe child custody, nearly all custody arrangements include “parenting time” or “visitation”.
In short, this means the set schedule between the parent with residential custody and the parent (or former partner) who does not. Of course, some parents have a 50/50 custody split. For those of us who are divorced, this terminology is very familiar and part of the every day reality of our lives.
No matter where you might turn for guidance about parenting time, you’ll hear the same advice:
Keep a stiff upper lip and reassure your kid(s) that they will have a fun time. Also keep the routines between households as consistent as possible.
Most of us have tried all of the above. When our kid(s) resist — or throw tantrums — about visiting Dad or leaving Mom (or the other way around), we hope this stage will pass. We try to keep calm, reassure, and keep expectations consistent.
However, here’s some wisdom I’d love to share with you as a psychologist:
Most of us, as parents, relentlessly remind our kids to think about the “positives.” We say:
“Dad is going to take you to the ball field and practice with you.”
“You’re going to the circus! How terrific is that!”
“Dad will take you to McDonald’s.”
While these comments might be well-meaning, they are communicating exactly the wrong message: Your feelings don’t matter.
Instead of listening to our children’s fears — about going back and forth between two houses or missing one parent while with another -- we are pointedly ignoring our kids’ justifiably negative feelings.
Instead, we encourage you to let your kids communicate their feelings — whether it’s with words, tears, or a tantrum. This is how your kids — and you — will move on with your lives.
This is also why we’re excited to tell you about this kid’s book — “I Can’t Want To,” by Michelle Shillings.
We urge those of you who have “parenting time” problems to buy this book and read it with your kids. Sharing this book will make it easier for your kid to share their feelings about the often daunting emotions they experience when coping with parenting time.
We’d love to hear your experiences with parenting time.
How have you coped with your kids’ emotions?
For more children’s books that deal with single parenting and divorce, please read this post at Single Mom Seeking.
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My boys are 4 and 2 and their dad is very irregular with his visits so I’ll definitely be checking out this book. I posted several weeks ago (the last time he visited!) that my 4 year old hid under the bed refusing to go with him. I had to physically drag him out and put him kicking and screaming into the car. I want them to visit with their father, but I can tell you I won’t be doing THAT very often!
When the boys go with their father, I do remind them how much fun they’re going to have and any special plans they have, but I also try to let them know that it’s ok to miss Mommy. I tell them that I’ll miss them too, but it’s ok because I know they’ll be home this afternoon and I have lots of work to do to keep me busy until they get back. I realized early-on that my 4 year old was concerned that I’d be lonely when he wasn’t around, but he also didn’t want me having any fun when he wasn’t here because he was afraid of missing something. Most of the time, if I tell him I have boring grownup stuff to keep me busy he’s ok with that. And I can remind him that I’m going to use this time to get the laundry done and the dishes caught up so that when he gets home, all my grownup work will be done and I’ll have plenty of time to play with him. I make a point of having some special time with the kids when they get home whether my mommy work got done or not!
I’ve also tried to tell him that it’s ok to be sad, miss mommy, whatever, but there are good ways to show that and not so good ways. Screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum gets little brother upset and gets daddy upset and doesn’t help anyone. A better way to deal with it is to tell daddy that you’re missing Mommy and ask to call me on the phone. Or tell daddy that you’re lonely and ask him to do something with you. When they go overnight (on the rare occasions!) I send a blanket with him that I made and we talk about snuggling up in that blanket and pretending that Mommy’s giving him a hug.
Sometimes these things work and sometimes they don’t…we just do the best we can one visit at a time!
Thanks for sharing the book but it would have been great to know what the book is actually about. What ages it for? I won’t be spending $15 on something that I haven’t gotten an actual review of.
My kids openly shared their negative feelings with me after their father and I divorced. They had a lot to work through. It’s been almost ten years and they are doing great.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
My kids and their dad are great. No problems there thankfully.
However I do always emphasize the positives… something to think about. Thank you Dr. Leah!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Yes! Great points. Parents do this but much of society does as well; we are not allowed to have or express our negative feelings. Sure focusing on the positives is good but you have to aknowledge the negative ones to work through them!
WonderMom: So much common sense and wisdom in your comment. Thank you. Little ones are afraid of “missing out on the fun”, so reassuring them that you’ll be cleaning or some other boring grown-up job sets just the right note.
T and Catty Granny Teri: Always encouraging to hear when things work out.
Corey: In my enthusiasm it appears I did leave out some basic information. This is a picture book geared to kids between ages 3 to about 10. It’s a dialog between mother and son during which the son is able to express how he feels when he leaves Mom to visit with Dad. It is based on the author’s own experiences with her son.
There’s additional information on her web site, but that’s the gist.
Thanks for raising such an obvious question.
MindyMom: Interesting perspective and so true! Thanks.
Maybe I just did it all wrong, but I never told my children they would have fun. At 13, 11 and 6 they knew that they had to go because that was what had been agreed on in court, and they didn’t mind. When they soon no longer wanted to go to their mother’s I asked why (and got a variety of reasons). I addressed the reasons with their mother and let her determine how she wanted to handle our childrens desire to no longer visit at her home. She never managed to get them excited to visit her home again. Not long afterwards additional “things” resolved the problem. She has only seen them a few times each year for the last almost 8 years and never at her home. The draw back is that she visits at my home, but I’m about to bring that to and end this year I hope. Don’t think I should disrupt my life and make my home available if the children don’t want to visit her at her home. (makes me look forward to when my remaining child leaves for college *L*).
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
M: Thanks for reminding us that these parenting time problems often are the dad’s responsibility to handle when mom is not an active presence in kids’ lives. Sounds like you’ve got your own situation well in hand.
First, thank you all for your comments and advice. Having a community of people who are sharing your same situations is always helpful and encouraging.
I think that the one thing that I really want to point out about this book is that it first allowed a child to express feelings that he did not understand. He was frustrated because he could not put into words how he felt about going from one house to the other. It not only validated his feelings, but gave him away of expressing them so that he was not so, “pent up” inside.
Second, it opened up a communication line between my son and I. At the time that I wrote this book, he was three. Once we actually talked – and he told me why he was so mad – we have had an open line of communication about how he feels about visitations. He is 7 now, and he still has problems when he leaves to go to his dads – and the first day he is back after a weekend – he is a BEAR!! He is actually still mad that he has to do this. But atleast he knows it is okay to feel this way and talk to me about it.
My son’s father is a very consistent visitation guy – so it does not have to be just a bad “parenting relationship” that can cause these visitation issues. In my case, it was that he did not know the words to tell me how he felt, that it was okay to feel that way, and that it was simply that it was tough on him and he needed to tell me.
The message that I am trying to send with this book is that these kids have a voice that is not always heard and feelings that are not always seen – so maybe knowing that it is okay to feel this way and talk about it can alteast help them through it. It is not a “fix all book.” We still struggle, but it is a book to make this situation aware from the kids point of view.
I have even overheard my son talk to other kids of divorce/seperation about visitation. The actually have little conversations about how the feel about certain situations with each other. I think my son can do this because he knows it is okay and that there are other kids out there that feel the same way.
I really hope that those of you who get the book helps you and your child open a line of communication in which helps them articulate their feelings, have them validated, and then you and your kids can move on day by day through this tough situation.
Thank you all for support.
Michelle Shillings
Parents tend to shield their kids from all trouble, including fear. But problems are a reality of life, and there are pains that cannot be avoided. But unless they know its real and are out there, they cannot function well in our society. I think it’s proper for parents to let their children feel pain and fear up to a certain level (of a child’s capacity) so they can understand how it feels and learn how to cope with it.
Finally!!!! A way to help my child
transition thru feelings about our family split (original comments posted on Amazon after reading this book in July 2008)
I searched bookstores,libraries,
and online outlets to find a book to help me HELP my child.
Ms Shillings writes from the child’s position.
She helped me to understand that it
is fear, frustration, anger and a
sense of unfounded guilt that hurts
a child during thier parents’ split.
Love, the best safety net, is what they need, and what Ms. Shillings conveyed so well in this little gem! I recommend it for ANYONE going thru disruption in the family
unit. Great Job, Thank you
white butterfly: Thanks for stopping by and letting us all know how helpful this book has been for your child. I’ve done that same library and book store hunt; this book is really one of a kind.