How do you deal with an absent parent?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
“Why doesn’t he call?”
When Solo Mother’s son recently asked his mom about his absent dad, our hearts dropped.
We understand. We know firsthand how much strength, maturity, and compassion it takes to soothe and comfort your kids when they ask about the absent parent.
In her recent post, Solo Mother’s little guy confronted her about why his dad never calls.
Solo Mother has tried to comfort him through these understandable “Dad meltdowns” — by reassuring her son that his dad loves him and cares about him.
But when her son has come back with, “Well, then, why doesn’t he call?,” Solo Mother has no answer for her son’s logical question.
Unfortunately, there is no “magic answer” to this difficult question. Kids will react differently to a parent’s absence depending on their age, temperament, and expectations from that parent.
Moreover, it can be challenging to explain this situation to a child whose parent chose to leave — rather than, say, a child who lost a parent to death.
No one knows your kids better than you. You don’t need a script. And there really aren’t any one-size-fits-all magic words which will benefit every child.
However, you do need a consistent perspective to discuss the absent parent issue. And here’s what we suggest:
The “blame” belongs with the absent parent. This is very different from badmouthing your ex — which is really all about venting about your own needs. Placing the “blame” on the absent parent lets your kids escape from feeling that they are inadequate, responsible, or just plain unlovable.
Kids often hold themselves accountable by thinking that they’re responsible for a parent’s absence. Out of fear and uncertainty, kids often blame themselves.
So, when you reassure your children that the absent parent still loves and cares for them, it creates confusion. After all, how much caring and loving does an absent parent really show?
Rather than falsely reassuring your kids that the absent parent loves and cares for them, instead try to approach your kids’ questions with an explanation along these lines:
“Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.”
If it’s age-appropriate, you can also explain a parent’s addiction, incarceration, or mental illness — if these are factors in the absent parent’s choice.
Have your kids asked you about an absent parent in your family?
Do you have any questions about an “absent parent” that you’d like us to answer?
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I responded to Solo Mother’s post on this issue, but thank you for supporting the idea that we shouldn’t put words into our ex’s mouths. I usually resort to, “Some people have a hard time showing their feelings”, and reminding my son about ALL the people that love him.
The ex called the other day (it’s now about once a week, IF he remembers) and got upset because my son didn’t really want to talk to him. Again, not my job to explain to the ex that the kid isn’t dumb, and doesn’t like being treated like an afterthought — that’s between the two of them! I can’t wait until my son is old enough (and verbal enough) to tell his dad how he really feels.
My boys are 4 and 2. I tell them that Daddy has a lot of things going on right now and he’s doing the best he can. I’m embarrassed to say this, but Ex showed them the movie Shrek the Third and they loved it so I wound up letting them watch it too. When Shrek finds out he’s going to be a father, he gets scared and tries to run away. My 4 year old started asking about that so I told him that being a Mommy or Daddy is a very important job and that’s scary to some people. They want to do a good job but they don’t know how and they’re scared. He asked if that’s what happened to his Daddy and I told him I think that’s part of it. He wants to do a good job as a Daddy but he doesn’t really know how and he’s scared and confused. It seemed to help him understand.
I am thrilled to say that especially Squirt (now almost 5) is getting a lot better at expressing his feelings to his dad and I don’t want to jinx it but I think we may be settling into a routine. I hope…
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Wondermom: I love Shrek! Wow, thanks for reminding me if that scene when he finds out that he’s going to be a father — and gets scared and tries to run away. Very poignant. Good for you for giving your boys the space to express their feelings and ask questions.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Anna: That’s such a great response, re: “Some people have a hard time showing their feelings.”
It’s very honest, without being negative. Good for you.
My ex spent the first 6 years after the divorce running. He was running from the law because he didn’t want to pay child support (He thought it was an evil plot by women to get back at men supported by the government.) He would stay with friends, wouldn’t tell me where he was, or how to get in touch with him. His family wouldn’t pass messages to him.
About three years after the divorce when she was about 8, my daughter and I went through serious hell period where she was so incredibly angry with me all the time. I couldn’t talk to her, she couldn’t talk to me. Finally, after several months, she told my mom that she thought I knew where her dad was and I wasn’t letting him see her or contact her. Her birthday was coming up and she was worried he would forget her birthday (he hadn’t sent anything or even called for Christmas).
I finally sat down with her and explained that I really didn’t know where he was. I let her listen to the phone call when I called his parents and asked them to pass a message to him. She heard his father call me a money hungry bitch (child support was and still is $300 a month) and to stop calling and refusing to pass the message that his daughter wanted to talk to him (loaded with lots of expletives).
Things calmed down after that. It may not have been the right thing to do but at the time, I felt like it was either him or me, and I threw him under the bus.
Chai_girl: He threw himself under the bus deliberately and repetitively. The fact that things calmed down after your daughter found out the truth lets you know that you did the right thing. Sharing your experiences will help other single parents – thank you!
Chai-girl – That had to be heartbreaking. I’ve said over and over that I want to protect my boys from the truth (that their father doesn’t care to be involved) but at the same time, I’m tired of covering for him and taking the heat. I’m glad that things finally seem to be settling down for us and I hope we can keep on somewhat of an even keel. I’m so sorry that it had to come to that point with you and your daughter, but I’m glad she realized that you really were doing all you could.
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Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
This one is so tough. My youngest daughter has never known her father as one – he was not in the picture from before her birth. He rarely visits but at 3 1/2 she is beginning to understand the concept of a daddy. She knows who her father is but thinks she doesn’t have one like other kids do cuz she rarely sees him. Like all other things with kids; I try to let her questions guide my responses. I always tell her the truth but offer no more than what she’s looking for, i.e.: “My dad is ____” answered with, “yes, that’s right.” and then remaining open to more. Since she has never known him as a part of her life though she never asks where he is or why he’s not here; for now she feels complete and I hope that continues. With preschool beginning in the fall I expect her awareness to heighten and the questions to increase…so I’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
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I will never forget the first year of my separation when my son, then almost 4, asked me why his mom travelled so much. She was on a 10 day trip to Greece or Italy or something. I said I didn’t know and he should ask her about it. He said he had.
Me, “And what did she say?”
Him, “Because she has to.”
I didn’t have an answer to that and after a few moments he looked up and said “But why daddy? Why does she Have to?”
Even at 4 years old he got it. I could only tell him that travelling is important to her and everyone has different priorities in life. They spend a lot of time with their mom but travel is still a priority for her and both of my kids know who’s always there for them. I only travel for business and only when I actually need to.
My daughter is only one and a half and has no idea what a dad is. I go through the thoughts on what I will say when some kid on the playground tells her she doesn’t have a daddy. She has never even seen him and I don’t really know if she ever will. I know I don’t want to say anything negative about him but do you use the rule “if you don’t have anything good to say,don’t say anything at all?”
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
My girls know that not only is their dad incapable of taking care of them, but, as my 11-yr-old commented recently, he can’t even take care of himself. It’s taken us a really long time to get there, and they are aware of his drug problems, but know that there’s more than the addiction that’s stopping him from being an actual parent.
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My daughter’s father has never been in her life. He’s dropped in once when she was 1 but that lasted probably for one week. She is 3 now, and randomly asked last night “Do I have a daddy?”, “Does my daddy love me?”. I fear that she (even at 3) will feel rejected so I told her “of course he loves you” and then went on about everyone else that loves her. I read this post this morning and now I am questioning how I handled it. She’s only 3, I feel like she won’t understand if I say “well some daddy’s don’t know how to show their feelings”. I really don’t know how I should handle this. She brought him up again this morning and I’m sure there’s more to come.
My son hasn’t seen or heard from his father in over 3 years. In the past I always said that he moved away and I didn’t know where he moved to (the truth, but I knew that he moved with his girlfriend and they had had 2 daughters, this from his gf sister who works at a burger stand and saw my name on my credit card so figured I was related to him, she also has no phone number for him). I got a call from my mother-in-law today telling me that she got a picture in the mail with no return address of my ex’s 3 children (including a boy who is his namesake and less than a month old). She told me this hoping that I would have his address to give her, I didn’t. I started crying and my oldest heard me and hugged me. I decided to tell him that although I’m not positive, it isn’t looking like his dad is going to contact him and that he has a new family. I’m still wondering if it was the best idea to tell him now(I made it as simple and matter-of-fact as possible) but I couldn’t stand the thought of him holding out for his dad to call him all these years when he was obviously moving on with his life. It breaks my heart, and my son is heartbroken. At least he can sleep, not me tonight. He’s in second grade now and I hope that he can get the feelings out now while he is young. WIsh me luck, my heart just aches so bad for him.
Maegab: Our hearts are aching with you. So sorry.
I am quite honestly scared out of my mind. My daughter is 18 and has not had contact with her “father” since she was 6. He had MAJOR drug and alcohol issues as well as anger issues. I was only 17 when I had her and I made the decision to cut ties due to his addictions, cheating and temper he promised her he was coming back to visit the next weekend & never showed up and I spent the next weekend & week consoling a confused little girl. He tried to contact her about 8 years ago a month after he got out of prison for manufacturing/for sale of Methamphetamine. I didn’t want her exposed to this so I talked to a lawyer and he sent him a letter stating that I did not want him contacting her. In 1999 he pleaded down child abuse charges of shaking his 7 month old son from another woman, causing brain damage in the little guy, and had his parental rights stripped. Well, now he has contacted her through Facebook saying that he has “found God” and that he always loved her and wanted to be there and that I wouldnt allow it. When we were dating he was in and out of jail and rehab and he would always promise that he was going to get his life together, but it was all just talk so I wouldnt leave—well now he is passing the same lines of BS excuses to her. I was a single mom for a LONG time and I tried my best to give her the things she needed–we were a little duo. I got married in 2002 when she was 11 and she had no problems calling my husband Dad from early on in our relationship & he has loved her unconditionally as his own–she is now telling her “father” that she never really fit in throughout her life and never felt anyone wanted her or loved her…that crushes me as everything that I ever did or sacraficed was for her. I dont know how to approach her and ask her why she would say this. How do I handle this when I have NO control over this, but I know what he is and how he operates. I am scared for her and her emotions–it is like waiting for and watching a train wreck.
I will say it again and again and again because reading the above just makes it sink it deeper. Thank the Gods for good daddies. My little boy almost four year old is a huge part of my life, always has been since the moment of his birth. I feel for all of you single mom’s who have ex’s that don’t understand the miracle of the children they parented. As I get mine ready for preschool in a few minutes, I am reminded again how lucky I am…and how I must continue to spread the message that not all men are scum/deadbeat dads…some of us ARE doing it right and doing it well.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thank you @JeffJinSD — this is why we love it when Dads like you comment. Mothers need to know that fathers like you are out there, “doing it right.” Thank you.
My son is 12 and his father is in the military. Over the past 12 years his father has dropped in a few times, called once in awhile. I wanted to know why my ex didn’t have time to spend with my son and since my ex and I talk to each other as little as possible because we just can’t get along with each other. Anyway I had a background check on him and found that he had remarried 4 times and with each marriage he produced one child. So now I understand why he had not time for my son. I sat down with my son and told him what I had found out. He asked me why his father had time to marry and have childred but had no time for him. I told him I couldn’t answer for his father. The next day he called his grandmother for his dad email address.
Romona: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. That’s a brave move on your son’s part. And good for you for finding out the facts. We care what happens to you and your son. Please let us know.
I am ‘the kid’ in this situation, although now 40 years old. Those questions – WHY doesn’t he love me, call me, care about me? HOW could he just leave and move to another city? HOW could he not feel bad leaving me? HOW can he just go on with his life like I don’t exist? Why did I have to fend off pedophiles while he got to move away and start a new family? ETC, ETC!!! Those questions never go away. Even though I know intellectually that the answer to those questions is – that he is a selfish and unempathetic man who wanted a ‘do-over’ so he could have a perfect mom-dad-and-baby-make-3 family, rather than take responsibility for the child he had brought into this world and face the root causes of the divorce – that answer does not heal that spot in my mind/heart/body that is still (apparently) nine years old and cannot wrap its head around it. To the mothers and fathers out there who are sticking around and trying to deal with the emotional fallout – hang in there – your children may not be old enough to appreciate what you are doing, but I am and I thank you!! You cannot fill this particular void in your child. You can only LOVE THEM. My mother stayed but she drank. I had no parents really. But I am thankful everyday that I had grandparents and teachers who loved and believed in me, and I am amazed and grateful that I was resourceful and lucky enough to fend off the pedophiles. My parents are not bad people – they were just so young and had zero concept of what it is to have a child and look after them. They still don’t get it:) They probably never will. Of all the answers I just read, the best one is the truth: You are highly lovable! If a person doesn’t love you, it’s because they don’t know how to love. It’s not your fault. You’ll run into these people from time to time. Feel sorry for them – it’s hard to not know how to love. But you know how to love – it’s part of what makes you so special. Keep that love alive.
I just posted and would like to add to that, that there were two resources that helped me: the film Kramer vs. Kramer, and Judith Wallerstein’s book The Legacy of Divorce. Might be worth a watch/read.
And one last thing! Your kids may at some point be dealing with depression and suicide – it comes from a feeling of worthlessness – as in, why do all the other kids get picked up from school while I’m feeling for my bus ticket and i’m eight years old… There are so many instances like that, even the strongest kid will eventually get eroded and start thinking that they are being punished by the universe. Don’t drug them! LISTEN to them and if you know how, teach them how to love themselves actively. I had to learn to care for myself. If there was no dinner, I didn’t eat. Now that I’m older and fully in charge of my life, I eat healthy foods, I get a good night’s sleep and pamper myself. Don’t act like everything is normal – it won’t ever be normal again, whatever ‘normal’ is anyway. Act like you’re weathering a storm together. “It’s just the two of us and we deserve to be happy – let’s think of ways to cheer ourselves up despite the sucky situation we find ourselves in!” That way the badness is the storm – it’s external. If you pretend everything is fine, the child will close up and ask all those questions in their head, and they are too young to answer those questions – you can’t even answer them now and you’re an adult who didn’t just have your world shredded! After parents get the divorces papers, they think it’s over, but it’s not over for the child – it’s just beginning. They will have trouble with trust, relationships, the idea of having their own children. Make sure they have an outlet to talk about it, even if it’s not with you:) I know it’s hard to think that your child would not want to talk to you, but they may feel disloyal admitting negative feelings about one parent to another parent. They have already lost one parent – they are terrified you will leave too – they will not broach sensitive subjects with you easily.
sjf: I got emotional reading your comments. Thank you for visiting our Singlemommyhood community. And, please, do visit us often. Your perspective is valued and will help so many people.
Thanks Dr. Leah! It’s funny to think that I was looking for inspiration and ended up giving a little of it:)
My son is four and his dad was trying to be in and out of his life every six months. Has not came to any one of his birthdays and now my son is getting to the age that he is going to start remembering this. He does not know his father because of the lack of being around. I am struggling with do i keep it this way and tell him later on when he grows up. I have a 1 month old by someone else and he treats my son like his own and looks at him like daddy. just need some responses
I have two little girls; ages 20 months and 8 months. They really have never known their father. My oldest just vaguely remembers him as a person that passed in and out of her life. It makes me sad that she has no concept of what the word “daddy” is linked to. I don’t know what to do as far as being prepared for the questions that I know aren’t far away. HELP!
Renee’: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. You’ll find support and comfort here from other single parents who know your worries and concerns. Please visit us again soon.
To HEATHER – you should allow your child to meet his father. If he is abusive in some way, have a chaperone present. But he will be angry at you later if you separate them. If you allow access and the father shows up erratically, if at all, the kid will slowly catch on as they grow older. But if you make the decision to keep the father from the child, they will only idealize the father and blame you. See White Oleander;) (film)
Well the reason is is the last time he did see him which was seven months ago and before that he would not call i and i did not know how to get ahold of him for 9 months but i took my son down to see him because he was like saying that he really wanted to but we get down there and he payed no attention to him at all the whole time my son would try to talk to him and he just kept his eyes glued to the tv and the only thing he was talking to me about was trying to get me to drop child support payments and now on top of that he is telling me that he wants to sign his rights over. My daughters father has been more of a dad to my son than his father ever has been and he wants to adopt my son
Hi Heather,
There’s no easy solution. I can tell you really love your son and want to do what’s best for him. It sounds like his biological father is scared/incapable of being a Dad. I’m glad to hear that your son has a good guy in the picture – I sincerely hope that works out well. My mother had a very nice boyfriend for six years. He was always respectful and nice to me. I used to get home around 3pm and my mother would get home around 5pm – that started in Grade 3. She used to worry about it, but there wasn’t really anything else we could do. Her boyfriend worked until 5pm too, but one day he had the day off and my mother asked him to check in on me. In the meantime, I called my mother and asked to go to a friend’s house – she said yes, but forgot to tell her boyfriend. He came by our place and when I didn’t answer, he broke down the door to make sure I was alright. I can tell you that even 30 years later, I am so grateful for that simple act. I just assumed he loved my mother and put up with me, but he showed me that day that he cared about my well-being too. I realized that he had always been nice to me. Clearly, he was not my father, but he did something protective and fatherly. I think step-Dads can be fantastic. (They can also be pedophiles – watch out for that one:) ha ha) The point is, even if the bio-Dad is totally unprepared, it doesn’t mean your son won’t have other men in his life that will be fatherly/grandfatherly. It’s not total tragedy. I’m just saying that if the bio-father ever shows up to see his son years down the road, let your son make the decision about whether he wants to see him or not, and have someone around to chaperone to protect the kid’s interests. It sounds like you are a loving mother:) Good on ya!
Yea i figured i would explain it to him in the future. I have tried for 4 years and i dont have it in me anymore. He was not good to him. I had him when i was seventeen and I had to do alot of growing up really fast and when i was finishing high school and he would watch him for four hours he would not even change his diaper or feed him. I don’t know if i mentioned but he wants to sign his rights over. I don’t think its that he is incapable of it i just think that when i stopped letting him have control over me he did not even want anything to do with his son. He never did. Because that is when he took off because i would not get with him. The whole time i did not know how to get ahold of him he was taking care of someone else’s kid and being daddy to her. He always tries to argue with me and i finally put my foot down and said Kevin this is not an arguement between us anymore this is about my son. I am not going to have my son hurt because you either A want to come in and out of his life every 6 to 8 months and don’t even show him any love or B you just want to come around to get me to try to drop the child support. I also proceeded to say i told you if you want to be in his life i told you you needed to be around more and help out but you wont. and so he said he wanted to sign his rights over.
Kevin sounds a bit confused, to say the least:) hang in there Heather! I totally understand about just not having it in you at the moment, for more of the same pointless arguing. Consistency is best for kids, and moms;)
xo Sarah
My ex and I divorced when our daughter was two.
He had been cheating and married this mistress and had 2 girls. After 7 years, they divorced (she’s in prison for drugs now) and he has custody of the 2 little girls. Shortly after their separation, he moved in with gf/soon-to-be wife #3 and had a baby with her.
That’s 4 girls (my daughter being the oldest). My daughter is 13 and she is so angry with him and his actions that I worry about her.
He doesn’t call, doesn’t come up unless everything else is taken care of. He makes excuses all the time and his whole family takes up for him. My daughter is fighting a losing battle. She is angry because he doesn’t do the right thing, and it’s so sad to say, that I don’t believe he ever will.
I want to make it better, to fix it, for her sake. But I think the damage is done. He only pays attention to her unless there are no other things left to take care. AND, she hates soon-to-be wife #3 for obvious reasons.
I just want to reassure her the best I can. But how?
I would also like to add that my current husband and I have been married since she was 5 and he is great. He’s a great role model for her, and I was hoping that a good father figure in her life would be a good replacement. But I feel now that there really is no replacement for the parent. I wish I had been able to tell her that my husband was her father from the very beginning!
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So pleased to have found this site and this post, but far too emotional to comment. I’ll be back!
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