Is he still attached to his ex?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Relationships, Tips & Advice
We received a distressing e-mail from a single mom with a toddler:
“I’m dating a devoted single dad who has joint custody of his four-year-old son. We’ve been going out for a few months so far. He’s successful, smart, and sex with him is incredible.
But here’s the problem:
Although he has been divorced for years, he and his ex still have frequent screaming, profanity-spewing fights.
A few times, he has canceled our dates because he gets moody and distant after they ‘text fight’ or battle it out on the phone.
I try to ignore the constant fighting with his ex and concentrate on what’s working between us.
Until last night.”
She went on to say that immediately after having sex, “he bolted out of bed and grabbed his cell phone. It was midnight and he was checking for messages. There were none, but I saw him dialing. I asked him who he was calling. As if it was normal, he said, ‘I’m calling [I don't want to say her name] to make sure everything is okay with my son.”
Say what?
Every single parent’s wish list for a partner definitely includes “responsible co-parent.”
So, you can see why she’s confused.
Is he still attached to his ex in a twisted and scary way?
What does it mean that he’s calling his ex sixty seconds after making love to her?
She feels needy and jealous when he talks constantly to his son’s mother. Is she just too insecure?
This mom is now questioning her own feelings. Of course, constant fighting and name-calling do not make for healthy co-parenting. But she wonders if she just lacks experience dating a single dad. Is this normal?
Here’s a young single mom who could use our advice.
What’s your take on her sitatuion?
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Twitter @ http://runningleap.wordpress.com
Um… that guy has baggage… in the form of a co-dependent realtionship with his ex. There is a thin line between love and hate. If he gets that worked up talking to her after all this time, and if he seeks out these interactions with her… it’s a bad sign. He’s clearly hooked on this dynamic, and he wants it to continue… He’s not “over” the relationship. That means he’s not really available for a new relationship.
If he were really moving on, he would tire of these arguments and he’d try to avoid them. If he wanted to have a healthy co-parenting relationship, he could. But he’s choosing to keep his ex close by pulling her in and responding to her in this confrontational way.
I say Run. Run as fast as you can!
C’s last blog post..This is My Ex on Drugs
Twitter @ singledadlife
Sirens going off right now. Some interaction and concern is always going to be present between ex’s. This is way over the top. I agree with ‘C’ in previous post. He is not ready and my guess is she (ex) left him. Bitterness and anger is fine if he wants to live that way. Bringing his current girlfriend into the mess means he is more invested in his ex than the new relationship. She has to either put up with it, or tell him exactly how she feels. If he can’t change, she either bolts or stop complaining. Bottom line, I think she should RUN!!!!!
Barry’s last blog post..My Dad is the Real Dad
I completely agree with C and couldn’t have said it better.
Alicia’s last blog post..Some Random Things I’ve Learned
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
She needs to cut her losses and run for the exit!
He is still very much connected to his ex.
She cannot convince him to acknowledge and change his behaviour, she cannot convince herself that there is a real future in this relationship…not when he jumps up after having sex with her to call his Ex at midnight? There is no convincing in love.
She has become a place for him to park while he sits and waits for opportunities to interact with his ex.
She has to believe she deserves better for herself.
Lovebabz’s last blog post..ALL DAY FOREPLAY…
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
The opposite of Love is not Hate (or anger) it is indifference. He is still WAY too connected to and emotionally invested in his ex.
MindyMom’s last blog post..PMS: The Emotional Tourette’s
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
sounds like this dude is still WAY too emotionally connected to his ex to have a healthy relationship with someone else, in my opinion…
MommaSunshine’s last blog post..Missing Him
Yep, baggage by the trunk load there! And yep, been there, still got the annoying ex that wants to “co-parent” but couldn’t even agree with me what colour the sky is. And he even has a new partner that seems to fuel his fire of wanting to fight with me all the time rather than backing off and talking some sense into him.
My advice – RUN!!!!! And don’t look back!
Yummy Mammy’s last blog post..Saturday Secrets
He’s not ready for a relationship yet. IMO get out now.
Mike’s last blog post..The Weekends Over
RUN! Do not walk to the nearest exit.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. He is still in a relationship with his ex. A divorce decree is only a piece of paper.
Twitter @ TheMooksMum
Run. Don’t look back.
The fact that he can’t speak to his ex like a human being doesn’t speak well for his potential as a mate.
This is not normal behaviour at all.
bad mummy’s last blog post..Three Little Words – Part I
One piece of advice, RUN!! FAR FAR AWAY from this man.
So many red flags but they have been covered above.
EEEEK! Total red flag here! Run and run fast. From personal experience I remember how for a few years after my son’s dad & I split up how I would find reasons to call him, how we would yell & cuss at one another and it was all because I was still so hooked on him & in love with him that any interaction was better than none!
Tishia Lee’s last blog post..Weight Watchers Week 2 Weigh In And A Recipe
Too much drama! Run as fast as you can. Sounds like this guy has no peace with his ex – what makes you think you’re relationship with him will be any less dramatic. Let him go…QUICK!
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
You deserve to treated as the number one woman! Sounds like you’re not. Wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where everything and everyone is moving forward? It has been through my many experiences dating—if at any point, you feel very confused, this is usally a sign that means something is wrong. A good healthy relationship means that there are no confusion and things are clear. It’s up to you to decide if you want to be a number one woman and be part of the negative baggage.
Avigail74’s last blog post..And, the Adventures Continue!
Sometimes over thinking goes both ways. Although we often hear it refuring to making mountains out of molehills (thanks mom for that quote haha!) We can over think our way out of following our guts and reasonable thinking. I think the writer knows her answer…..
Now, I personally refuse to date anyone who has nothing but bad things to say about their ex. I know everyone has a bad ex and they are ex’s for a reason but there is a difference between venting and trashing. Our mothers advice sometimes holds true. Watch how they treat other people if they will treat them with no respect they they will do the same to you (eventually.)
This feels like a complete set up to trash this guy… we only have one story from one point of view here. Yes, it seems that he has issues that need to be dealt with. If you are in some sort of relationship with this guy, shouldn’t you make an attempt to work on it? I would take advice from blog readers (no offense, I’m one too!) with a grain of salt. No one here is getting anything close to the complete picture. How about some professional therapy before “running away as fast as you can”?
Easier said than done. Sex is such a powerful anchor for us all.
I know from personal experience that while my brain was making the case for leaving immediately, (in the early days of my second marriage), my other brain was before the jury trying the case of his life.
Yes, she should reconsider this relationship, but it’s not going to be easy when the sexual chemistry is where it appears to be.
Solo-Dad’s last blog post..An Officer and a Gentleman
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Phil, I think I can speak for everyone that we always appreciate it when a thoughtful guy chimes in. Thank you.
This girl needs to drop him like a bad habit. The guy is surely still mentally attached to his ex. I have a similar situation in that my ex-wife will contact me and try to be friendly and talk to me like I am still her best friend, and when I don’t respond she changes to the fighting mode. It has become such an irritation that I honestly do not even speak to her any longer. I only communicate with her via text messaging and ONLY when it involves our 2 boys.
The single mother with the toddler needs to find another man period.
Red flags are waving everywhere
I’ve been dating a recently separated man who is wonderful to me but the roller coaster ride is killing me.
He was married for 25 years and he and wife want to remain friends for the kids/grandson’s sake (kids are 23 and 27) the 23 yr old lives with mother and her 7 year old son.
He loves his grandchild and feels alot of guilt and misses him so he goes there every day to spend time with him. I don’t mind him spending time with his grandson and helping his daughter who is dependent on him and dependent on mother, but when he talks about the wife it makes me feel so left out. I feel that she is using him and isn’t very nice to him.
She asks him to do errands for her, etc. and I just don’t see this as normal. He is also currently paying all the bills at the house. the wife lays on the guilt if he doesn’t go over to see the grandchild. they haven’t even started filing for divorce yet and that is bothering me as well. We’ve only been together for a couple of months but I feel so connected with him and he with me and love being together but when we’re not together I can’t help feeling like I’m not a part of his life because of the ex.
I’m not a jealous person in nature but feel extremely jealous most of the time. Not because of the daughter/grandchild, but because of the ex.