Do you feel guilty on date night?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents
I chat with Rachel — aka Single Mom Seeking — almost every day, and lately we’ve been focused on a couple of exciting events in the works!
Although we’re certainly friends, we mostly stick to business on the phone. In other words, Rachel doesn’t say much about that Lucky Guy. They seem to be growing very close — with little drama – so, I was surprised when our business talk abruptly shifted to conversation about him.
Here’s what Rachel told me: he got tickets for an evening concert this Thursday. Rachel was thrilled to get an evening out together — except that she has a strict policy of not going out on weekday nights.
The reason? She has learned that hard way that it’s a hassle. Surely, you get it: it’s not so easy to find childcare during the week. Moreover, you know what happens when there’s an overtired mother and daughter duo rushing in the morning.
That’s when I pointed out: “It’s the summer! And the weekend was coming up. Your daughter can sleep in on Saturday, right?”
Rachel hemmed and hawed. Something else was on her mind.
Here’s what it was: “I feel guilty going out if my child isn’t going to have a good time at home.”
Rachel needs to know that her daughter really likes the babysitter. She needs to feel confident that her daughter will have a “special” evening, too — and not just be plunked down in front of the screen watching a DVD.
All this babysitter talk brought back memories for me. I also battled guilt every time I went out. So, what worked?
If I planned a small surprise or treat into the evenings, the kids loved it. In the end, they had a great time — and I didn’t feel so guilty.
Of course, every parent wants their children to love the babysitter. But, what I discovered was this: “She’s mean!” usually meant that the babysitter was enforcing bed time and insisting on turning off the TV.
I admit it: my kids weren’t always easy to watch. Siblings can be formidable when they team up — and not always in a good way.
So, we’re wondering:
Do you ever feel guilty about leaving the kids on date night?
Do you have a no-dates-during-the-week policy, too?
How do you make date nights work — so that your kids are having a good time while you are?
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I don’t feel guilty unless there are multiple evenings when I’m out of the home (I’m a teacher so we have certain times of the year where there are events every night).
I need date nights (even with my girlfriends) to be a better mom. I need to be an adult having fun sometimes, too.
We have a fantastic babysitter and my sons LOVES her. We consider her part of the family. She was not easy to find, and has the qualifications to deal with his special needs. We are SO lucky to have her. She is taking the boy camping this weekend (which is great cuz Mom doesn’t DO camping!)! And I don’t feel guilty because I’ll be running our garage sale while they’re gone.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
My Ex gets the kids two nights a week…after he gets off work until about 9:00pm so I take those 2 nights to go and hang out with Grown folks.
There have been moments when I had to have a sitter. When I was a politician and Adjunct professor I often was away from them during the week. I know guilt will arise. But you gotta have some sense about it and not get all stupid acting. I realized that I NEEDED Grown FOLKS time! and that would get me over my insanity.
lovebabz’s last blog post..TANGO SUEÑO…TANGO LESSON #4
@Anna A babysitter who does camping (I don’t either) is a gem. I used to be out of the house a lot on week day nights when I was a school psychologist. Part of the job …but not easy.
@lovebabz Grown folks time! We hear you.
I was lucky because by the time I was ready to start dating, my cousin lived near me. She was a new college graduate who loves kids. I would give her money to take them both out to dinner and/or a movie. It gave my cousin time to bond with family, a free dinner (it was usually sushi because I don’t do sushi), and an excuse to go see the latest kid movie! It came out to about the same as paying a babysitter so it all worked out. It also gave my daughter a chance to interact with an adult role model other than school or me. My cousin would often tell me how my daughter would vent to her about how strict I was. Even now, when my daughter is upset with me, she will pick up the phone and call her.
The key thing was that I didn’t feel guilty because she was getting to have fun, too. I know everyone isn’t as lucky!
Twitter @ SingleMomSays
Nope. I never feel guilty.
When the kids were younger they loved it when the sitter came whether there was something special planned or not. It was a chance for them to have some fresh blood, I mean a fresh face around and do something a little different from the norm.
Now that the kids are older and are usually the babysitters for my youngest I still don’t feel guilty. I do a lot for my kids so watching their sibling for a few hours while mom goes out is no big deal. They actually like for me to go out and maintain a social life instead of being a frumpy boring mom who stays home all the time.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Just a Little Rant
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Chai_Girl: That’s certainly “the key” for me, too! “…I didn’t feel guilty because she was getting to have fun, too.”
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@MindyMom, thanks for pointing out that it is SO important for our kids to see us having fun and enjoying life — apart from parenthood. Great point!
Ooooooh – I love this post!
Umm…. I’m really REALLY really having guilt issues. I’m not dating or even looking to date at the moment. And I have a costly gym membership that I’m not even using because I feel guilty just going to the gym for an hour and leaving my 2.5 year old at the Child Watch Center at the gym! Its not so much that I think he won’t have a good time, or that he’ll miss me – no. Its just that I already feel extremely guilty that I work out of the home full-time. I just cannot justify to myself NOT spending every minute I can with him when I’m not at work – my ONLY luxury. I’ve never hired a babysitter ever – and I take Owen with me on any errands, outings, etc. that I have to do.
Perhaps because my mom raised me that way, I dunno. She never hired babysitters – I just always went wherever she went….
But some day, some day, I pray I’ll find someone to date, but by then Owen will probably be in college….
So, I have no solution – still desperate to strike a balance, which is ever-elusive to me….
Alicia’s last blog post..Made for Each Other?
@Alicia Owen’s college enrollment is a long way off. May-be a tiny beginning now? Owen will likely love the Child Watch Center – all the toys he’s never played with and the fun of other kids. How about starting with just a fifteen minute “work-out” and see how it you both adjust? My guess is that Owen will do great …and you will do great, too! Keep us posted.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Oh, Alicia, we hear you! It took a few years for me to finally leave my daughter in order to get “me time.”
I’ve never felt guilty about having a night out. Some may consider it a bit different, but when I was a kid I remember when my parents went out and left us with a sitter. It was so much fun to have someone different at home, instead of mom and dad. It was a change of pace.
Now i see the same thing with mine. I don’t get a sitter often because of their ages.. but they don’t feel left out.
Eathan’s last blog post..Should I Have Good Sheets or Cheap Sheets?
I don’t feel guilty at all. My son’s father lives in another country and has no contact with us, nor does he pay child support, so whenever my son can spend time at a friend’s house or with his grandparents (which isn’t every night or anything like that), I feel it’s a treat for both of us. I need time to be with other adults, my son and I need some time away from each other, and I think it’s good for my son to interact with other adults and kids.
The way I was brought up also reinforces that for me. My mother was unhappy in her marriage, unhappy staying home, and in some ways unhappy being a parent. Why? Because she never took time for herself. It was so bad I WANTED to go to daycare (it never happened), and I was thrilled the very rare times I had a sitter or got to interact with other members of the family (rare also, because none of them live nearby). My mother would have set a much better example if she had tried to make HERSELF happy, at least to an extent. Her reluctance to do so had repercussions. Not knowing any better, I blamed myself for her unhappiness and struggled with self-esteem issues throughout my life. My mother was always physically there, but she never hugged me or made me feel loved.
I have met a few single parents who say they don’t want to date at all until their kids are older. If they are truly happy that way and are loving parents, then that’s fine. But if they aren’t, they are doing the kids NO favors by renouncing their own needs to be with those children. Believe me, everyone will suffer for their ’sacrifices’, especially their kids.
I decided after my divorce that I would never ever date. I would be there forever for my daughter.
Then one day I was watching a show or a movie or something where the mom had revolved her entire life around her daughter. When it was time for the daughter to leave (as they all must!), the daughter had major guilt/depression/etc about leaving her mom behind and the mom had a hard time adjusting to having a life with nothing to do.
It was emphasized the first summer when she went to Grandma’s for a week and I had nothing to do. My friends had stopped calling because I never wanted to go anywhere “adult”. I didn’t have any activities that didn’t center around her. I decided then that while I want to be a good mom, I need to have a life separate from “mom”.
Not having a life separate from “mom” puts too much pressure on both me and her. Plus it is kind of like they say on the airplane, put the oxygen mask on you first because you can’t help anyone else if you are passed out.
Twitter @ http://daddygotcustody.com/blog
Rachel & Leah,
First and foremost, I LOVE your website! Now to answer your questions.
1. Single, married, doesn’t matter–there has to be YOU time or date nights. One of the goals of good parenting is “to raising healthy, wealthy and wise children that grow up and LEAVE the nest!” To keep your household from becoming “kid-centric” and getting them to become independent and LEAVE means, parents (single or not), you must have “date-nights.” To develop your marriage or relationship, you need time alone that is not centered around your kids. You are also modeling that your adult relationships are a priority. (Lord knows you’ve sat through many a birthday party for your kids, right?) Additionally, we don’t need the kids to think they are the center of our universe, (even if they are). So guilty or not (you’re going to feel it, so expect it) GET OUT and have some adult time. Do it!
2. For the longest time, we did not go out on “re-entry” nights, the days my daughter came home from visiting her mom. As the kids are getting older and as we have better babysitters, I am starting to reconsider this rule. For a while, since Caitlyn’s mother would have her on Thursday nights, we use to schedule a “date-night” a couple times a month on that day. It makes sense to try to schedule those nights when you don’t have kids or when you don’t have as many.
3. We were never blessed with free, drop everything family or friends who could regularly watch our kids. So we subscribed to Care.com for a month, quickly pulled about 25 names with background checks and my wife took the time to call and meet most of them and checked their references. We combed down that list to about 3 or 4 really good ones. The being the overly protective parents that we are, we booked a new sitter and brought them to our hometeam. At hometeam we don’t leave the house but the parents have an activity in another room. Thus we could monitor the sitter, without leaving. Afterwards, we talked to our kids, other kids and parents and evaluated the sitter. Good sitters went on our short list and we’ve never worried again. The kids have a good time and we now feel comfortable with our regular sitters. Oh, and we do set the expectation with the sitter of how the time is to be spent; game time, story time, art time etc., and leave the appropriate materials out. That way we don’t worry they will be ignored. (Here’s another plus: Our kids can’t be parked in front of a TV because we don’t have one. If they watch a DVD, they think it’s a treat.)
Hope this helps. If I had to do it over again, I would get a few friends together and split the cost of the Care.com. One month service cost about $20-$30 and it is worth it. So, no excuses. Get out there and have a date night or YOU time! You deserve it!
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad’s last blog post..Get a School/PTA Volunteer Job. Tip #141
As a single mom, I look for all the support I can get, but always feel guilty for not being able to do everything on my own. I finally read “Escaping Toxic Guilt” by Susan Carrell and it was the best gift a single mom could ever get. I am guilt free, more confident, more emotionally available, and my kids are just as happy about it as I am. I limit date night to once every two weeks as I enjoy family and friends with my children.
I just stumbled on your blog today and have been reading a number of your articles. This is great stuff! Thank you!
I have been in a relationship for a few years, and my daughter loves my boyfriend. But yes, I feel guilty EVERY time I go out. This sometimes prevents me from going to networking events, or out on a date. I especially agree with the first responder who stated that when she goes out on multiple nights, its especially hard.
I have combated this a bit by letting my daughter (who is 4) go to sleepovers at a friend’s house when I am out. It does make me feel better to know she is having fun.
Many times, I find myself waiting until she is asleep to go out.
Thanks for the post- and making me feel “normal.”
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Jennifer: Thank you so much for the thoughtful feedback! We’re grateful. We look forward to hearing more about how you’re finding time for YOU!