Worried about bad genes?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
“My husband was an alcoholic who split town when my daughter was one year old,” began an email that we received this week. ” I was also told that he was bi-polar.”
“After having a baby together, I knew for sure that our home was not a good environment — so I filed for divorce. But another year later, I got a call that her father had died in car accident.
Today, my daughter is now four years old — and the truth about her father terrifies me.
I’m frantic: Will she be doomed by her father’s bad genes? Is it only a matter of time before her life is in ruins, too?”
~~~
Many of us have kids whose genetic histories are marked by addiction and mental illness. We understand that you worry that your best parenting efforts may never overcome this “bad genes” time bomb.
Please know: this is not so!
Your kids will write their own destinies with our guidance and support. Consistent loving parenting always has a positive effect — regardless of “bad genes”.
First, it’s important to tell your kids that the “other parent” has a disease called addiction. Kids need this information to make sense of their own life story.
Reassure your kids that they can make different choices in their own lives. When your kids show typical behaviors — like tantrums and meltdowns — remember that this is developmental and not necessarily a sign of what’s to come.
When you consider your kids’ medical history, credibility is key. An off-handed remark by a relative or friend or your own conclusions based on personal experience may simply not be accurate. Unless a psychiatrist or psychologist makes a diagnosis after careful evaluation, you may be worrying needlessly — or feeling anxious about the wrong problem.
Here’s what we suggest: set your own example of sober living and moderation. This is a powerful antidote against whatever genetic predispositions your kids may possess.
Tell us: Have you worried about your kids’ “bad genes”?
What advice can you offer this single mom?
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As the mother of children who are adopted their gene pool crosses my mind. But the bigger story is that I am the greater influencing presence. That nurturing is stronger than genetics. Yes I plan to tell them their birth stories and where they came from as well as I can. They have parents who love them beyond measure and hopefully and divinely that will sustain them and carry them in their lives.
Lovebabz’s last blog post..TANGO SUEÑO…TANGO LESSON #6
I’m having a lot of issues with the nature vs. nurture issue. In many ways, I wish I could pinpoint the issue with my ex as being addiction or something tangible. I believe that he is bipolar. When I describe his behavior to the psychiatrist (when discussing my daughter) they say he displays a lot of the classic traits. He refuses to see that he needs help. It is the rest of the world that has an issue, not him.
After her first extended visit with her father in about 4 years, my daughter came home with a serious attitude. On the ride home she told me that she understood now why I was divorced from him. She said he is lazy and doesn’t do anything but watch cartoons. The quote that hit me in the stomach was “He’s a 5 year old trapped in a 40 year old body”. I knew this, but hearing her say it brought mixed emotions.
Now, for the past two weeks she has been using genetics as an excuse for everything. She doesn’t want to do anything around the house because she is genetically lazy. She is stupid because her father is stupid and you can’t change genetics, Mom! I’m trying to be patient and help her work through this by pointing out that everyone has issues that they can either give in to or overcome. I’m giving her examples of people who have far worse issues than she does who have managed to overcome them with effort. I’ve told her she has choice in life…she can either choose to follow my footsteps and get a good job where she can afford to have a house, a car, go on vacations, eat out for dinner occasionally, etc. or her father’s footsteps where she has to depend on other people to take care of her. So far, she seems to think having other people do everything for her like her dad is the way to go. She says I work too hard and don’t have enough “play time”. He has been out of work for most of her life and lives off of his girlfriends and his family. She sees nothing wrong with this no matter what I say. Or, at least she won’t admit it if she does.
Sighhhh…There is no easy way out of this. I’ll just have to keep trying and eventually it will be up to her.
Even before this, it was amazing. She has spent very little time around her father and there are times when the exact same words would come out of her mouth. The same attitude, body posture, etc. It really makes me wonder about the nature vs. nurture thing.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I haven’t worried too much about “bad genes” but I do see sometimes how genetics can play a role in a child’s temperment and also how the familiy dynamic impacts the children but I don’t know how that all plays out with addictions. I’ll be intersted to see what more readers have to say on this.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Home is Where the Heart Is
I don’t have any advice. I’m terrified that my son will end up like his father- bipolar, psychotic to the point of being institutionalized. My ex was normal until he woke up in the middle of the night when I was pregnant and tried to kill me. He’s been in institutions since. I think the fact tha the was OK to that point is even more worrisome… But I tell myself that I just have to do everything I can to make sure the good genes are the ones that tell. Breastfeed him as long as I can, make sure his life is happy and stable, show him all the love I can, try to negate any environmental factors. But God, it’s scary.
Cat: What a frightening experience. Yes, about our kids, it is scary. My own “babies” are grown-up. Take comfort that both of them have created happy, successful lives despite some definite genetic baggage from their father.
As I shared with Cat, my own ‘babies” are proof that your children do have more than “a heck of a chance.”
This post really speaks to me. My ex-husband was both an addict and bi-polar, and while our daughter is thus far happy, healthy, and seemingly “normal,” these issues have concerned me on occasion. However, I am not a worrier, and have found that I’m better off not stressing over it until I actually have reason to. I’m continuing to do what I do; that is, being the best possible parent that I can be, and I’m hopeful that the rest will take care of itself.
Fabulous topic! Personally, I was very concerned with “healthy genes” when I was dna-shopping for a sperm donor. I wanted the best for my child, don’t we all?
Especially since I knew my kid would be inheriting MY genes, which are sadly also plagued with depression.
Depression runs in my family heavily and seems to skip generations.
I am a long-time sufferer, as was my granddad who ultimately took his own life. Unfortunately, many mental diseases do not appear until later in life or early adulthood, so its hard to tell if and when a child will inherit it. but, when there’s a known history of ANY disease, at least it gives us as parents something to be aware of in order to spot the symptoms and seek help!!!!
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Alicia: Thanks so much for bringing in your view as a choice mom, and opening our eyes to how layered this topic can be. So, when you’re DNA shopping, do companies diagnosis/summarize a client’s depression? So curious.
My daughter’s father is an alcoholic in recovery (9 years almost). I believe he has ADD or possibly depression that led to his drinking issues. My daughter is somewhat fortunate in that neither one of us shy away from explaining his problem to her (although he does deny any form of psychological issues or attention problem). I tell her honestly what happened and what can happen to her.
I have a long sad history of cancer in my family. It’s the same thing really. If I sit around worrying about her becoming an addict, having depression or cancer I will worry myself silly and drive her insane with it.
Education, honesty and vigilance about mental and physical health will always be the key to keeping our kids as healthy as possible.
Amy: I’m thinking you summed up the ideal parenting strategy when we fret about “bad genes”: “Education, honesty and vigilance about mental and physical health will always be the key to keeping our kids as healthy as possible.” Thank you! And, of course, welcome to our Singlemommyhood community.
Alicia: Yes, thanks for sharing the “choice mom” perspective.
Rachel (and any prospective “choice moms” who may be lurking): As recently as fifteen years ago, sperm banks furnished little more than a sentence or two beyond information about age and race to guide women in choosing a prospective sperm donor. Prospective donors now fill out lengthy medical and family history questionnaires and must pass rigorous standards for semen analysis, infectious disease testing, and genetic testing and evaluation. Good recovery of sperm after it is frozen is also evaluated.
“DNA shopping” moms typically compare the levels of testing done at each sperm bank.
Most women consider the level of testing performed on the donor to be the single most important criteria when deciding which sperm bank to use. All specimens should be quarantined to allow adequate testing for HIV and other infectious agents.
These rigorous procedures are the reason that less than 3% of prospective sperm donors are accepted by sperm banks.
I absolutely worry about my adopted son’s genes! Especially since there have been so many documented mental health issues in his biological family. It’s also a concern that no one has identified his biological father, so there may actually be health issues that we don’t know to look out for.
But like the others, I hope that my guidance and presence in his life will help him to understand how life is SUPPOSED to look.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Frankly, I worry more that they will buy into the idea that addiction is hereditary and use it as an excuse to overindulge. I’m not a scientist, but I wonder how much of this is really “nurture” vs nature. I don’t let my ex’s substance abuse be an excuse for his selfish behavior. But I do say he’s not capable of the amount of love that my girls have already displayed.
I worry about this a lot too. This is a great topic for discussion. I still haven’t decided how I will explain her father to her. I’m not comfortable with saying, “sick” or “addicted”. ….I think she could attach these traits to herself and it may challenge her self worth.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@singlemomsong: Thanks so much for your comment — and for reminding us that while being honest with our kids is important, it’s also so crucial to be careful about any negative vocabulary we might use about the other parent. Thanks!
My daughter has already got my genes in that her medical disorder comes as a result of a dominant gene mutation I have. Something that was unknown until her diagnosis.
Her dad is BiPolar as well. I worry constantly about her but I think it’s also about how we bring her up. I don’t drink because my dad was an alcoholic and I plan to provide her with a stable lifestyle so that perhaps the BiPolar never comes on. I hope that BiPolar is not genetic.
While not diagnosed, I’m pretty sure my son’s father is a sociopath of some sort. I was just having this discussion with one of my friends and I hope to God that Nature Vs. Nurture will come in to play and my son will be just fine.
Fortunately, he has been removed from his father’s influence and I’m hoping that will be a huge factor in my son growing up to be “normal” and healthy.
Great topic!
I of course cannot diagnose my ex, but I am concerned about my son of course. Is my ex’s alcoholic and depressive behaviour genetic? Is the lack of ability to differentiate between what he imagines about other people and the truth genetic or even a ‘disorder’? Whether they are based in genes or not, and whether my own depression is genetic or not, and whether my sibling’s issues are genetic or not (similar to the ex’s) and whether I’d be carrying my sibling’s genes or not … it’s all irrelevant. In areas such as depression and alcoholism it’s not solely nature vs nurture. We’re not talking blue vs brown eyes here. I have enough background in genetics to know that where behaviour is concerned we can play a strong role in the expression of genetic tendancies or predispositions by setting a good example.
I give my three year old son plenty of love, and ensure that every day he knows I am proud of him, have confidence in him, and love him. As he grows older I’ll work with him if he shows signs of depressive or addictive behaviour.
I’m certain that there are many kids who grow up in similar loving households who still have problems like that (such as my own family), but it’s the best that I can do.
It’s the best anyone can do. Kids grow up with serious problems like bipolar, sociopathy, depression, addiction, etc in many cases whether or not they have immediate family members who suffer from these disorders. And many kids with immediate family members who do display those behaviours grow up just fine.