Are you the only single parent in your kid’s class?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms, Single Parents
Many of your kids have started school this week. How’s it going?
I’ll never forget that first morning of kindergarten. My petite five-year-old daughter had excitedly raced into her class — without looking back — as I sucked in my tears and raced the other way. I was rushing back to my car, alone. I don’t know how many married couples I passed along the way, but there were plenty. Some hugged each other, others smiled.
You better believe that I longed to have someone with whom to share that first day of school. A boyfriend or a partner at my side would have been great. But, just as satisfying, would have been another single parent in my kid’s class to befriend. We could have chatted together in the yard, and maybe shared our tissues?
That first year of school, I was the only single parent in my child’s class.
Sure, there was one other divorced couple — they were on good terms and had each other that first day. I knew another single mom, too, but she’d gotten remarried that summer. Her new husband was by her side, too. (I’ll never forget another single mom — whose children were older — telling me that I wouldn’t be the only single parent in my kid’s class for long. How true!)
How many of you are “the only single parent” in your kid’s class at school?
If you feel isolated, please know that you’re not alone. You’ll always find comfort and support at Singlemommyhood.
Here’s one thing I’ve learned: I’m not the only single parent at school. Ask around. If a school directory is published, reach out to the other single moms (and dads). Don’t overlook the married couples as sources of mutual support and friendship. Every parent struggles to balance family and career demands.
Also, support your single parent friends by attending their kids’ games, concerts, and other school events. Happenings at school are just the family friendly inexpensive activities we often complain are not available.
We’d love to hear how you’re coping with single parenting challenges at school.
Have any difficulties come up that you did not anticipate?
Remember that we’re here to help you!
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This post was inspired by Emily from My Shitty Twenties, who writes poignantly this week about being the only single mom in her various parenting classes – and she now wonders if she’ll be the only single mom at her son’s school.
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For me that was always hard to tell with just dropping Eric off at school. The bigger thing I would notice was the age difference. When I use to live in NY everyone was in their 30’s like myself. In VA everyone was in their 20’s. Jeez I felt like a grandparent.
Mike´s last blog ..Jim, I’m a Chiropractor not a Web Designer
Mostly couples at back to school night. I was definitely the only single dad there. Biggest challenge in my life is making sure the kids remember to bring stuff back on the right days so it doesn’t end up at the wrong house.
SDMktg´s last blog ..Tailgating Safety
I was the only single parent for my youngest son’s class and for the older it’s harder to tell because you don’t always see the parents out there.
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Yup. Only single parent, two years in a row. I’m also quit a bit younger than most of the parents (I was 25 when I had my son, so not WAY young… but about a decade younger than standard around these parts.) I felt like a complete outcast the first year, but the 2nd year wasn’t so bad. Not sure if it was just a more friendly group of married parents, of if I’m just not as self-conscious about it anymore.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..An homage
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Martini Mom: It does get better, doesn’t it? Making friends helps… and I had my daughter at age 28, and the “older” moms used to call me the “baby.” Ha.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@SDMktg: Thanks for reminding parents how important it is to make sure that your kids’ school stuff (especially homework!) gets packed up and sent back to the other parent’s house. Good one.
My daughter is going into 7th grade and at school I’m not the only single parent but my daughter is the only single parent family at her extra curriculars.
I am the youngest and the only single parent as well as unmarried parent at all of her activities.
I’m totally excluded from all the mom things these other mothers do. I can’t decide if I am snubbed because of my age or my marriage status but it affets the kiddo too I’m seeing.
This has been a sore spot lately with me.
Kari: This is a tough question. Is it your “singlemommyhood”? Or are you getting snubbed because you’re so much younger? Getting included in the informal “parent group” of your kid’s extra-curricular activities is important. Here’s a thought (which, by the way, worked for me when my kids were in middle school) – Start a casual conversation with just one parent. Compliment her child- and keep the chat focused on shared interests – your kids. Acceptance is the “parent group” typically starts with one parent and then acceptance with the group follows. Let them get to know you! Keep us posted!
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
My son is in 7th grade this year so it is different than when he was in younger grades – they don’t do the holiday parties with room mothers. Although there are single parents, I am pretty sure I am the only one whose child has never met his father. One of my son’s best friends in his class is being raised by his single father – his mother left when he was a baby and has no involvement other than to call once or twice a year. I am good friends with married couples as well as divorced moms at my sons school.
@Martini Mom- I know what you mean- I was 19 when I had my son. I am the youngest parent in my son’s class- most parents are 7-15 years older that me.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ singledadlife
The craziest thing I remember is having parents night and having more than one kid in the same school at a time. I felt like I needed roller skates to get to each teacher to see them. I had to set priorities on which teacher I would see. Married parents could send dad to one and mom to the other.
Only one left in high school now. Of course she loves the fact that I can see and talk to EVERY teacher! Being the youngest does have it’s disadvantages sometimes
Barry´s last blog ..Childhood is Now
@ Single Mom Paying Off Debt… I was 19 when I had my daughter too. Looks like we have a few things in common… our age and our kids ages
Dr. Leah, I am trying that a bit. It just seems all so cliquey high schoolish to me. They all bring their kids camping together and other excursions as big families. Kiddo and I are left out but they talk about it at the extra curriculars (at least the moms do). In Scouts I went to a mother/daughter event and of course at least one mom pointed out how much younger I was so I couldn’t possibly understand what they were talking about. She didn’t use those words but she might as well have.
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
Kari: Don’t you detect just a bit of envy . . . so much younger, so much of life ahead of you, so many possibilities? Of course, these groups are often a bit of a high school throwback. You’re not looking for ‘best friends”; you simply want to stay involved enough/in the loop enough so you know what you need to know so your daughter has the best possible experience. Things get easier when kids are in high school . . .or, at least, that was my experience. Anyone else agree?
You know, I really dont know. My daughter just started Head Starts Pre School. I know I see moms and dads do drop off, and then…moms….and dads at different times. I havn’t really started a conversation with them about it. I am a little shy in talking to people now I guess. My daughter is only 3 so she doesn’t talk all that much about that stuff. Although, she has been picking up from the other kids “My daddy is coming to get me”. So my daughter he begun saying that. She hasn’t seen her father since Sept 08. I dont know what to do about that really. I am not dating yet. I am just social with a few friends of mine once a week if I can get away. If my mother can “watch” the girls while they sleep. And I go out with a few old friends for a few drinks. I am still dealing with the whold “daddy” issue. Which is a while other story.
@ Lisa, I found when friends kiddos were in pre-k Head Start that the demographics was mostly single parents, because of the guidelines that were required for your chil to attend.
@ Dr. Leah, you are so right. I do detect that. I guess I just expect better our of grown adults lol Sometimes, I’m jealous of their lives too… I just don’t let that feeling get in the way. Of course you are right too I’m not looking to make best friends just looking to make it all a great experience for my kiddo. I’ve actually been discussing this at a forum I am on and then saw this post and was like wow!
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
Kari, Yeah I know the deographic is for the lower income….being single parents a lot of the time. But where I live, unfortunately, a lot of the people “ride the system” to get free help. Lots of people don’t get married so they can get help. Or one parent is in school full time and the other works so they still have a low income to qualify. (one of my friends who’s son goes to the school too is like that, they are married)
I’m going to go out on a limb and say, i’m not the only single parent, BUT i did feel some kind of way about filling out my son’s school forms.
I posed this question on twitter: How do you feel filling out school/medical paperwork when the other parents isn’t (or can’t be) around?
They ask for all sorts of things from father’s occupation to work numbers and sometimes educational history, and honestly…it just made me feel the LACK of my partner even more. my son’s father is “around” (as much as he can be, while being incarcerated), but i’m left to deal with all of the day-to-day things. it always makes me feel a bit uneasy filling out those forms, but it’s just one of those things we deal with.
The Prisoner’s Wife´s last blog ..The First Day of School: Pre-K Edition
I never feel more lonely and different than when my daughter is invited to a birthday party or play date of some sort with her class friends. I am always the only single parent there amid a see of smug married couples and am undoubtedly asked at least once “So…what does your husband do?”
I want to respond “He does things with someone else now”.
I get ogled by the husbands and snubbed by the wives.
It’s a hard moment, but I refuse to let my insecurities stand in the way of my kids childhood memories. So, I smile and nod and make sure my wee one has the best bouncing time she can and try to hold my head up high when inside I am sad and planning my pity party for one that will be scheduled to later in the evening.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@lifepartdeux: Welcome to Singlemommyhood! Oh, yes, the birthday parties as a single parent…. We so understand wanting to respond:: “He does things with someone else now.”
Soon enough, you’ll be doing “drop off” birthday parties — and you can go see a movie while your kid is at a party!
I find school functions like Back-to-School Night incredibly difficult since my husband died. While he was alive and my older daughter was in elementary school, there always seemed to be a few single parents in the class. Now that he is gone and my little girl is in elementary school, I have been the only single parent in the class for the second school year in a row. And I am for sure the only widow in our second grade. Its very lonely when everyone else is meeting the teacher and signing up for things as a couple.
And then there are the forms, as someone said. You have to check off a marital status (widow), provide information about your child’s father (deceased), and it goes on and on, for form after form. I always wonder if they realize how disconcerting those forms are for people in my situation.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Widowed Mom of Two: Welcome to Singlemommyhood, too!
Thank you so much for adding to this point re: school forms. We understand. These days, I simply write “N/A” in that box about “your spouse,” and figure that I can explain to the teacher in person, if necessary.
I imagine that it brings all those emotions. back to the surface when you need to explain your husband’s passing all over again.
Bit of a different situation. I’ve been a single parent since just after my son was born 14 years ago. I’ve always been active at school and athletics. Now, I have come to realize that while occasionally invited to mom’s night out, I have never been invited to couples parties, or family gatherings, and my son is friends with all of the kids. Lately, at football games (now in h.s.), other parents talk about how much fun they had at their parties, and I’m sitting right there! We are all middle age, our kids have all done the same sports & everything. Just last night they were talking about a gal’s 50th b’day party. What’s up with this. I was done with the cliques in middle school. Still hurts though.
Welcome to Singlemommyhood, emom: I can totally relate *ouch* to your experience. My son played HS lacrosse and football. I was routinely left out of “couples parties.” Of course, my feelings were hurt. I came to understand that many of my son’s teammates’ parents were “stuck in middle school” and some were really threatened by a single woman. Or felt that my single status might somehow be contagious. Of course, the (gung-ho) dads (and me) stood together on the sidelines during games. The ostracism definitely comes from the married moms. At least that was my sad conclusion.
My son played college lacrosse. Different story . . .included in everything.
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I just tonight received my son’s preschool class roster and there I am… the only single parent in a class of 30 children. Two names down the entire column and then there’s me. Ack. Birthday parties are excruciating, as someone else posted. And, couple all that couplehood with the fact that most of these couples prefer to speak with one another in a language other than English and… well, you get the picture. If I weren’t shy, I’d do better, I think. But, when push comes to shove, after a few opening statements, I’m pretty much out of anything to say to these people. They wait til I walk away and then I hear them resume their conversations in their language.
I spoke with my son’s preschool teacher about making sure she emphasized that families are all different and that some families have a mom and dad and some have just a mom or just a dad and so on. I had no idea at the time that my son was the only kid in the class who didn’t have a traditional 2 parent family. Sheesh.
I really empathize with all the previous posters… it’s very hard to get out there and do this alone.