Did you break up with the “right” person?
Perhaps you’ve spent all this time haunted by a small nagging doubt — or uncertainty — about your contribution to this particular break-up, especially when you were the one who ended the relationship. Should you have stuck it out? Tried harder? Did kid issues become obstacles rather than something to openly discuss? Did past demons sully this potential new love?
Sometimes we’re left to struggle with such doubts. And sometimes the answers just appear.
Here’s what happened to us — literally during the same week, on opposite coasts:
I entered a swanky restaurant with a new man who has definite potential. We were about to be seated, and there he was: a man I’d broken up with about five years ago. To be fair, he certainly did not beg for a second chance at the time, although we had incredible chemistry and more.
Why had I ended it? His temper and angry outbursts toward other people had unglued me. He didn’t notice me, but I couldn’t help but eavesdrop.
And here’s what I saw right in front of my face: he was berating a waiter. His date (maybe his wife? or his fiancee?) looked wary. She was biting her lip. Of course, I knew from experience just how she felt.
At that moment, I knew for sure… Yes, I did break-up with the “right” person.
And the next night:
Rachel from Single Mom Seeking was on her way to a local music festival with that Lucky Guy. Suddenly, she spotted this guy she’d been dating not long before — walking to the same festival! She said “hi” and everyone was chatting together. And that’s when Rachel suddenly knew why they’d ended: she never laughed when they were together.
Now, Rachel can be a bit on the serious side, but these dates were very dry. Every relationship needs a sense of humor, doesn’t it? And, Rachel knew for sure . . . . she did break up with the “right” person.
We’ve all had “bad” break-ups.
We’re wondering if you’ve had “right” break-ups?
We’d love to hear your story.
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Funny story. I was dating a handsome, sexy, slightly dangerous man when I was 24ish? And I broke up with him in a fit one night for no specific reason but a thousand small, undefinable ones.
Months ago, when I was trying to shut down all my dating profiles (one site had killed my computer, so I was leery of going back there), I saw that this man had been looking at my profile! I shot him a quick note to say hi.
We talk on the phone about once a week and while he is fascinating to talk to, his life is still as much a mess as it ever was. I’m so glad I never got in too deep with him!
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
This post is unbelievably dead ON! I am reconnecting with my love from childhood and it is starting to wear me thin. I will blog about this later (after I drop him like a bad habit & still maintain the 30 yr friendship). But I am realizing why we never were for each other—he never seems happy…always whinning, always critical. Anyway,thank your lucky stars you had sense to ditch boyfriend!
It just goes to show that people rarely if ever change, and that our gut instincts that led us to end a relationship are, in fact, the reliable ones! Don’t go back – never go back!
most if not all breakups are with the right person. So many things are involved in making healthy relationships work, that if either person wants out its probably for the best. Even in the situations where we can’t quite explain why its not working, there’s obviously something missing in the connection if we aren’t happy. Too often people confuse the attachment we may feel toward someone or situation with a feelng that we should try to stick it out and work through it. Its hard to find anyone who after all the emotional wounds heal, still actually think they’d be better off still in the relationship. Ocassionally enough time may pass and two people grow and may be able to rekndle a lost love but, those situations are few and far between and don’t change the fact that at the time the breakup was still the best thing. If they’d stayed together niether would have had the experiences needed for that growth anyway. Some times we may find ourselves looking back nosalgically on old flames but typically it doesn’t take long nce seeing them again to remember all the reasons for the split in the first place.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’d have to agree that for the men I’ve broken up with – doing so was always the right decision. I’ve had some pretty bad reactions from men I broke up with, which of course only further validated the reasons for doing so.
On the other hand, sometimes the right person can come into our lives but at the wrong time. Timing is everything.
Twitter @ iswirls
Yes it’s happened to me. It seemed that they were only one dimension. Some how they didn’t have the core lifestyle. I’ve ran into one that had gained excessive weight. (twice her previous size) It was evident that they were going that direction by the way they never committed to workouts and ect. And the amazing thing.. they didn’t look happy. They looked lost.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
I dated a guy before I moved away from my parents. I told him that I was moving away but we dated pretty seriously for a few months. I broke up with him for many reasons other than my moving away. We stayed in touch even after I’d met the man I would eventually marry.
It is amazing how much clearer you can see someone after you’ve met someone else who makes you happy.
I was THANKFUL for that breakup!
I fell in love at a young age and I am still young. I was forced to move to another state to live with my dad. I was at my mom’s previously. My relationship didn’t last too long after that. It was the best relationship that I’ve had ever and I wonder what would have happened if we could give it another try. I believe everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe it was the right break up but it was out of my control at the time. I still don’t live in the same state as him so it won’t happen.
Jackie: Thanks for sharing your story. You just never know what the future holds. Perhaps, you two will meet up again?
Idatewhite: Ouch . . .those must have been painful encounters.
T: Thankful . . . what a great feeling.
MindyMom: How right you are! So much in life is all about timing.
Twitter @ honoree
Its called a break-up because its broken. Some were harder than others, but because I stood my ground and stayed clear on what I wanted, I’m now married to a wonderful man I can’t imagine being without (and when I think of some of the guys I could’ve ended up with … oy!).
Twitter @ mskat
Of course I’ve had the “right” breakups, I’m pretty sure that we’ve all had them. No one breaks up with someone for the wrong reason.
There’s only 1 relationship/break up that I wonder about, wonder if I did the right thing. Knowing what I know now, about how he admits what he did was THE single biggest mistake of his life and he’s sorry, and that he still loves me, I wonder what would have happened with us if that mistake had never happened, or if I had forgiven him and gave him another chance.
He was a damn good man, he loved me and loved my sons as if they were his own, and 1 drunken mistake ruined everything for the both of us.
He runs into my best friend every now and then, and he always tells her that it was THE single biggest mistake of his life, that he’s sorry, and that he still loves me.
After 12 years, to know that he still loves me and considers what happened to be the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his entire life, leaves me wondering if I should have forgiven him and given him another chance.
But I know that you can’t go back again, and I don’t know if I would give him another chance if placed in that position today.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’d like to mention a “wrong” break-up. A man I knew, who’d married very young, had children with his wife quickly, and after 12 years of marriage or so, things ended. His life had grown very global, and his wife’s, focused around home and kids. Not a particularly unusual tale.
Though he remained staunchly in his kids’ lives, he never could get past the guilt over initiating the end of their marriage. For 4 years or so, he was single – dated, tasting the single life which he hadn’t known since age 21.
During that time, his ex-wife also struck out on her own, and came into her own.
The irony? They fell back in love, and remarried, with a whole new appreciation for each other.
A “right” break-up and a “wrong break-up?” Definitely. And a happy second chance, for all involved.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
Yes, I recently had an encounter like this. I was back and forth with the same guy for YEARS (12 to be exact- since my son was an infant). I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He had 2 DUI’s while we were together over the course of 6 years. I put this past me and tried to concentrate on making a family for us. I was doing everything in this relationship & often said I was sick of being his *cheerleader* with having to always be the one to do for him. He was very inconsiderate, but in a passive way. He never argued with me, never was rude to me- was basically indifferent with me.
I finally ended it when I realized that my 13 year old son totally realized that I was having to put forth 99% of the effort with minimum in return. I could not have my son thinking this was appropriate to treat a woman like this. I want my son to view a relationship as an equal partnership.
I finally ended it with him once and for all because I asked him to come to my house that Friday for the night instead of us (me & my son) heading to his house. His response was that “he didn’t think he would be up for the drive” that Friday (I asked him the Wednesday before.) We live about 45 minutes from each other. Oh and as a side note- he was not working at the time- but he was going to be tired from watching tv all day and doing nothing. Yet it was perfectly fine for me & my son to drive there. I take the blame for staying for so long. I ended it that weekend. I realized that I was not happy with him. I was so scared of being single forever that I was grabbing on to anything that would give my the status of not being single.
I since ran into one of his friends who told me he got a 3rd DUI, did 3 months in jail and is on house arrest, still no job. If I had not left then, I would probably be supporting him now !!
Five wonderful words : Thank God for unanswered prayers.
Hi I really need the advice of someone. because I AM GOING CRAZY:
Here is my story~
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. we met in college. After 3 years of dating (which involved a long distance as well) I started feeling that he was not the right person for me. Years after college, I felt we had completely different personalities and the college romance didn’t seem to be working for life. He was very childish and immature. Wanted everything his own way. When I told him that he said it was my fault because I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted but I felt that he expected me to argue for every desire of mine. He also was too opinionated and I felt judgmental of people in general. However, when I realized this, I was already living with him. We had made a huge effort to get jobs in same cities and I was not sure about breaking up. So we spent one year in a very unhealthy relationship. Where my heart knew, that things wouldn’t work but I was fooling myself. There were lots of things about his personality which I didn’t like. I figured I did not want a life long partner with that personality. But I think there were times when I got so frustrated that I became a very unpleasant person for him too. there was a time when I flirted with a colleague of mine
Finally I realized that I could not continue in such a relationship where I had to force myself to feel positive. So we broke up. It took us several months to completely separate because I had to find a new apartment.
Now I have a new boyfriend. He is a great person and seems to have everything I was looking for. I really like his company. But the guilt of breaking up with my ex haunts me. I am always reminded of the bad things I did in the relationship. When I was rude to him. When I was with my colleague (this event is so important for me because before this I had never ever thought about another guy). My situation is worse because I know my ex never wanted to break up. Even a couple of months ago he suggested that we get back together.
The trouble is this: Recently all my guilt makes me look at my ex in a positive way. I think of all the times when he was not making mistakes but it was just my heart which knew that I wanted out. When I had to find my new apartment, he helped me a lot. He helped me furnish it. All these things make me wonder if I should try getting back with him. Its been 8 months since we separated. But at the same time: I feel afraid to start it again? What if the good natured side of him I saw in the end was not because he had changed but just because our relationship had. When he wanted to get back together, he said we should both reach compromises. Will he really change? What if I start feeling disconnected again?
Should I take a risk? Should I break with my new boyfriend who is a great guy?
WHAT could be done now?
Any suggestions?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks for your open comment @Guilt. It sounds like you listened to your wants and needs — and, yes, grieving can be so challenging.
Thanks Rachael! So in your opinion, its just a natural part of grieving right? Will trying to get back with my ex a good option? I just remember me not being able to ‘feel’ it. I remember arguments over things so little that sound silly now. I remember our difference in opinion on everything from politics to handling household finances. but I also remember his final letter and last few days which make me feel that he might have changed. Can all those little things which can not be explained ever change?