Do “little things” stress you out?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Tips & Advice
“He’s a very sweet kid,” she adds. “But he just doesn’t listen when I tell him to do — or not do — something.”
For example, in the morning, she asks him over and over to “please put on your jacket.” Then, all through breakfast, she has to repeatedly remind him to “stop banging your fork on your plate.”
“I find myself repeating things 20 times, you know?” adds this mom. “Usually, I’m very calm, but it’s the little things that really annoy me and make me angry.”
We credit this mom for trying everything in the book so far (whew!):
– Two-minute time outs, with two more minutes added on every time he acts up while in time out. (“This is torture because he can get up to 20 minutes sometimes.”)
– A two-minute time out while holding a heavy book: the Scrabble dictionary. (“I’m not a huge fan of this, and he ended up reading the book.”)
– Standing in time out and doing 20 sets of “Head Shoulders Knees and Toes.” (“His response was ‘Cool time out, Mom.’ That was not exactly what I was expecting to hear!”)
– Consequences vs. rewards. (“I tell him that I’m counting to three, and if he doesn’t stop his behavior by three, I’ll take down the Spider Man posters in his room.”)
– She has even resorted to spanking, although it’s “something I don’t want to do.”
To make this even more frustrating, her son’s father — who’s now living with his girlfriend — “has said that my inconsistent disciplining techniques have effected the way our son acts at his home.”
“I defend myself by saying I’m only one parent. When our son is at his home, his father can get a break sometimes if he wants to. I’m all alone here and my ‘mommy time’ consists of locking myself in the bathroom for ten minutes.”
We understand. Completely.
~~~
And, we’re glad Dr. Leah aka The Sanity Fairy can help out here!
This mom has tried everything in the book. And her stress level is sky high. This is why “little things” annoy and anger her.”
Single parents simply cannot allow “little things” to turn into dire struggles.
The “stress cost” is just too high.
No matter the age of our kids, we must learn to pick our battles with care. And do our best to control the stress level.
Choosing to make a dire struggle out of typical behavior creates unnecessary stress. For example, try substituting finger foods for breakfast, if another morning fork banging episode is going to prompt another stressful no-win confrontation.
Our tone of voice and choice of words matter. Try faking a bit of bland disinterest or asking with exaggerated politeness rather than bark the order like a drill sergeant.
Time-out does not work for many kids. For some kids that sudden isolation is frightening, particularly if their life experiences include significant loss or abandonment. The little guy turns time-out into a game, which defeats the intended purpose. And just creates more stress.
Spanking is a strictly personal parenting decision. Despite the widely held belief that spanking is effective, no research study supports spanking as an effective discipline technique.
So, we’re wondering . . .
What “little things” at home stress you out?
Any tips or advice on how to let go of the “little things” to make life at home less stressful?
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I was conisidering this just recently, how I would have handled the constant negotiations, reminders, ‘no’s, ‘don’t do that’s that filled so much of my time when my son was younger if I was a single Mom then. He’s 8 now, and I get to the point now where I have to sit him down and explain to him that if he doesn’t knock it off, I’m going to sell him to gypsies. I’m kidding of course, and he knows I’m kidding, but he also understands that’s code for you’d better straighten up or things are going to get unpleasant around here.
I wish I had some constructive advice for this Mom, but reasoning with a 3yr is a battle rarely won. Only thing I will offer…take a B6 supplement daily, I call it my ‘prevent me from losing my temper’ vitamin! Helps!
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
Holy moleys. A three year old just doesn’t have the self control to comply with requests like that. She’s going to have to help him more. Give me your fork, sweetie, it’s too distracting.
And for coats? She should get down on his level with the coat and say come here and put your coat on.
Please put your coat on isn’t specific enough. There’s a lot to get distracted by on the way to the coat rack!
Or, show mommy how you can put your coat on all by yourself.
But the biggest thing to remember is that giving distracted instructions to a toddler isn’t going to get a response.
1. Get on their level.
2. Make eye contact.
3. Make a single, simple request. “Put your coat on.” “Eat nicely with your fork.”
4. Ask the child to repeat the instruction.
5. Wash rinse repeat.
Another thing to keep in mind is that little kids, when they are told a negative “Don’t jump on the couch!” actually only hear the last part of the sentence… “Jump on the couch!”
Frame your directions/redirection in a positive way. “Couches are for sitting. Jump on the floor, please.” “Forks are for eating, not for banging. We’ll play with your drum set after breakfast.”
There is no ‘natural consequence’ for banging one’s fork. There is a punishment, though… the fork will be removed, breakfast will suddenly be ‘all done’ or what have you. Don’t confuse consequences with punishment. If a child doesn’t put his or her coat on, perhaps the natural consequence is that the kid’s a little cold on the walk to the car, where he or she is given another chance to put on that coat!
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I can totally relate and remember a time when my now 13 year old would act like this. And no matter of time outs, punishments, spanking, etc worked. All I can say is that this too will pass. I know it is not comforting for the time being, but he will outgrow this stage.
One thing that seemed to help with my son was I would say something once and if he did not do as he was told (i.e. stop banging your fork). Fix his breakfast and tell him “your fork is for eating with and if you start banging your fork, it means that you are finished eating and I will take your plate away.” Perhaps doing this once or twice will work.
PLEASE learn from some of my mistakes- DO not give in and give him a second chance at the same sitting. I created a monster out of the “one more chance” mom I became and it did no good. Even today my son thinks he can plead with me to get a second chance. Sometimes I give in, depending on how severe the actions were initially. I usually try to stick to my guns with punishments, especially when I have already issued a warning as to the consequences of his actions. At 3 they are too young to understand that sometimes mommy can chance her mind- all it teaches them is that if they beg or whine enough the will get what they want.
As far as the coat option, don’t give him a choice in the matter. You wouldn’t let him not ride in his car seat or not wear clothes when leaving the house. I would suggest as you are getting ready to leave, stop right before you walk out and help him put it on. No if, ands or buts about it. Don’t let him fight you. Don’t ask him to put it on. After a few weeks of you putting it on for him, he will realize that he needs to do it himself. Sometimes with the youngsters we need to not give them an option or ask them to do something.
Please know that this will get better. I remember with my son crying at night and locking myself in my room for a cool down period for a few minutes because I would get so frustrated. Then I would get mad at myself for not being “super-single-mom” and able to handle a 3 year old without having a breakdown at time. Trust me, a few years from now you wont even remember having this issue. I look back and although I remember crying alone and to my family, friends, I couldn’t tell you why…
I know it seems so simply for us that either have passed this stage or have not encountered it yet, but my thoughts are with you during this time.
Good luck to you !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Single moms not only have it tough because there’s no one else there, but because we are always asking ourselves “would it be different if there were 2 parents?” We let the family values stalwarts get in our psyche, and it shakes our confidence.
But sometimes, a 3-yr-old is just being a 3-yr-old. I suggest this mom give herself a time-out when she feels it getting to her – even if it’s just going to the bathroom! I find a little distance between the conflict gives me a chance to calm down, think clearly, and try again.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up: finding emotional balance
Twitter @ SHSingleMama
I agree with Solomother. Natural consequences are the best way to go. Going out in the cold from the house to the car won’t hurt him. Only getting to eat half his breakfast won’t kill him (though if he is going to any kind of school, try something else if this doesn’t work quickly. You don’t want him going to learn without a good breakfast all the time). This will also help him to make decisions on his own when he gets older. Once he realizes there is a reason things are done a certain way, he will start to do them.
And please, please, please, pick your battles! He’s not going to do everything you want him to do. Stress out about the things that are most important to you, not everything that is wrong. That was the mistake I made. I wanted every thing to be perfect and it’s just not possible, especially by yourself.
At the end of the day we have to do what is best for our kids and a lot of time that requires little short cuts and tricks. These, we learn as we go.
Thanks so much for this post and the comments. My son is 3 and regressing back into the Terrible Twos, big time–having a dreadful time adjusting to his (IMO) overly strict, regimented Montessori preschool. I’ve spent the past couple weeks at wit’s end as I cope with his behavior while wondering whether I need to yank him out of that school. So Solomother’s, KA’s and Single Mom Paying Off Debt’s calming, been-there, done-that comments came at the perfect time for me.
Louise Sloan: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. We’re big fans of your book Knocked Up. You’ll always get great advice and comforting support from our readers. Just as you so aptly put it . . .they’ve been-there and done-that. Thanks for adding to our conversation.
I can absolutely relate to this. Especially when we (my daughter and I) are both tired. Here is what works for me (when I have the patience to do it)
-I try not to repeat things too many times. I stop and wait until she either complies or, if she doesn’t, I will give her an option (for example, with the fork I’d say, “Honey,the fork is hurting the table when you do that. Can you stop?” If she doesn’t, I’ll say, “I see you want to hit the table, right? Okay. But that’s not good for the table. So, you can either eat with the fork and NOT hit the table, or eat with your fingers.”) If she’s tired and fussy, this won’t work, but nothing will.
In general, I find that if I make something a choice (between two things I can live with) rather than an order, she is more less likely to melt down.
Hope this helps!
Carolyn Fell´s last blog ..The Gentle and Challenging Art of Non-Rushing
Carolyn Fell: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. . When kids are tired and fussy – you’re right – nothing works. Please visit us again soon. You’ve got much to contribute to our community. We’re all striving for patience or as you put it so well – non-rushing.
Great responses. In regards to “don’t sweat the small stuff”, here’s my suggestion. What we fail to do sometimes, is make expectations clear. If you make a list of the “household rules” like wearing a coat, listening to mom, etc., you will find things like “banging a fork on the table” won’t make the list, so why fuss about it? Consequences should include taking a positive away, not adding a negative thing (punishment). If the consequence isn’t effective (taking posters down), it may not mean enough to the child, so switch it up. No TV for the night usually has some impact at our house. Repeating directions over and over is just as bad as giving a million warnings. Repeat yourself once, and then initiate the consequence.
My 7 yo has been refusing to wear his coat, so we compromised and I let him drape it over his shoulders. In the last few days, it has gotten a bit colder, and sure enough, he’s putting his arms in the sleeves now.
Lots of us have been there (and are still there). If you need some inspiration or some reminders, watch Supernanny. She is “spot on” about expectations and consequences.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
Another thing that helped me tremendously was something that my mom told me (and still tells me when I get frustrated with my teenager). She calls it 10-10-10. Will the issue today matter or will I remember it in 10 days, 10 months, 10 years. The answer is 99% of the time no. It really has helped me- its just another way to say “this will pass” (which frankly, even though I say it, I can see my own eyes roll !) When I am upset I don’t want to hear “this too shall pass” – but 10 10 10 works for me to make me realize that my problems are not that big of an issue, as hard as it may seen at the moment, it probably won’t matter 10 days from now. It will be something totally different that I am upset with or having trouble with… lol.. Hope everyone has a great weekend !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I’m going through this as well…god this is a rough stage!
While I agree that you have to pick your battles, I think once you pick them you have to stay with them. For instance, I need my son to walk to and from the car without running away from me or getting distracted. This is because I usually am carrying a bunch of stuff, it is close to cars, and often we need to be somewhere by a certain time.
I found myself not fighting the battle of doing the task in front of us when it didn’t matter if we were late. However this was more confusing. So now when we leave the house, I try to let him know if we are going out to play, to do laundry or go to the car, and then enforce the expectations whether or not it is important at the very moment. This has made it easier for him to behave when it is important…
Samantha´s last blog ..Get a Date and Support a Single Mom
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Absolutely great advice being offered here. I have little to add other than you must solve this problem at 3 or it gets worse. I don’t believe in being a “threatening repeating parent” I only say things once and that is it. This is called “first time obedience parenting” and here is how it works…
In your examples, “Put on your coat please. NO!” Pick up the coat and put it in the closet. He’ll freeze for a day and it will go better the next day. He’ll live, trust me. There are no 2nd chances or repeating.
“Please stop banging your fork.” Next time he does it, he is done eating for that meal. He can have another chance at the next meal. Trust me he want starve longer than a day.
These sound cruel but two consistent days of this will be a life time of less stress. It will get worse for a day before it gets better. The more my kids fuss, the less options they get as the day goes on. What I mean by this, is ask yourself how many choice you are giving him? “Do you want to wear the green outfit or the blue one? Do you want cereal or eggs? Shall we go shopping or to the park?”
As disobedience goes up, choices go down. As obedience goes up, choices go up. On days of high disobedience, I didn’t let my son or daughter make a single choice. I picked their clothes, food, activities, toys, sleep time, everything.
Today my kids are 10 and 5 and are well behaved kids. My wife and I get compliments every where we go. It works, hang in there and be consistent.
Incidentally, your kids behavior at your Ex’s house is not your problem. You cannot parent to the other side. They will learn boundary in both places.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..The Power of an Apology
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
One of my sons never had terrible twos, or threes, or anything (he’s nonetheless given me gray hair). The other? His terrible twos started at one and lasted until four.
I think each child is so different that you’ll just have to take a deep breath, keep the big picture in mind, and try different things with your little one and see what works.
Eventually, it passes. Not much comfort right now, but the “big picture” approach helps. There are so many positive and good things (like health and a good home) to focus on. Those exhausting little stresses do add up, but try putting them in perspective. And pour a glass of wine and sip slowly, on the rare occasions that you can.
It helps.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Bread crumbs, stale crusts, potions: I don’t talk about my ex
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
My daughter is simply so stubborn that she *WILL* go at starve/freeze/etc, and it will not be for just one day. She’s a silly girl – gets that from me.
Our home has been “off” since things have gone south in my marriage. Learning to deal with a child’s unique independence requests are difficult when you are emotionally drained yourself.
I’ve learned to put myself in time out more than her, or ignore a lot of the little things. The good news, is everyone else in the world thinks she’s a saint. It’s our little secret that she can be a monster. = )
StudentMama´s last blog ..Separation Feelings
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
I came across some “The 5-Second Discipline Fix” at Parents.com. A lot of them deal with giving kids choices, giving commands instead of asking questions (ie – instead of asking the kids what they want for dinner, tell them what they will be having for dinner), and being explicit in directions.
Hope this is helpful!
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
Not sure how much this will help but I found with my kidos that the “nose on the wall” time outs is what worked best for me. My kids like most others will find anything and everything they can to make a time out more entertaining and so I came up with the “nose on the wall” time outs where they have to stand there with their noses on the wall the whole time. It helps to block out distrations for them while they are in the time out. The only other thing I can say is to keep things consistant. There are days that I think my kido’s spend the whole day in time outs but if that is what needs to be done to correct behavor than that is what we will do. They have to know that whatever the bad behavor is, that it will not be tolerated, no matter what the situation is. Even if we are running late, if they refuse to put their shoes or coats on than they hit the corner for their time out. Yes, than we become even more late that day… but the next day they know that it will not fly. I have found as a single mother, that we have to be on our toes all the time, we have got to be in control of the situation otherwise the kids start running the house and we will find ourselves always trying to catch up. Keep it consistant.
Jolene´s last blog ..Today is the day.
I will say one thing we learned while working at an elementary school and pre school is we cant give them time outs that are longer then there age so if he is 3 it can only be three minutes other wise they consider it abuse just thought ide let u know