Responsible co-parenting or something else?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
A single mom recently asked us an intriguing question.
Should she insist on meeting her ex-husband’s new girlfriend?
This all started when her tween daughter broke the news: “Daddy has a new girlfriend. We went swimming. And she wears a bikini with pink stripes. Her tattoo is so cool! Next week we’re getting pedicures.”
While this single mom said she was unfazed that her daughter was, um, bonding with her ex’s new girlfriend, she did admit that she was feeling a bit miffed.
Why hadn’t her ex told that he was dating someone? Hadn’t they agreed that if things got serious with someone they were dating, they’d communicate?
So, this mom then sent an email — polite and to the point — to say that she’d like to meet her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. After all, their daughter is now spending time with her.
“That could be awkward,” he wrote back. “I’d like to keep everything drama free.”
Drama? Ha. She simply thinks that responsible co-parenting means letting your ex-wife meet your girlfriend.
Do you agree?
We’re wondering: Maybe this isn’t just about responsible co-parenting?
Could “old feelings” play a part in this co-parenting quandary?
She doesn’t want to go behind his back, but she’s tempted to do some “research” on Facebook. Does that sound like a good idea?
What do you think this single mom should do?
By the way, this mother wasn’t resentful or angry (in fact, she was relieved that he’d moved on!). She also made it clear that she wasn’t asking for a coffee date — just a short and sweet “hello” with the girlfriend at the door.
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Have any of you ever experienced this? Hopefully, some of you have some advice on this one. Thanks!
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A short and sweet hello at the door seems reasonable. It may be uncomfortable, but maybe it will alleviate a bit of anxious curiousity, both for Mom and the new GF. The known is always far less scary than the unknown. This Mom sounds like she’s being very rational, and reasonable in how she is communicating that she’d like to meet a person her daughter is going to be spending time with.
For me, I wanted to meet the ex’s new gf (who is now his wife) for lots of reasons (my son was 5, and she was visiting from out of town and staying for the weekend with them on Dad’s weekend), but I also wanted to set an example for my son of treating everyone with respect and kindness, even when it is uncomfortable. My treating the new gf with kindness and respect also allowed my son not to feel guilty about how much he grew to care about her.
She is being completely reasonable. We’re all adults, and should be able to meet someone without “drama”. The kids are worth that, at least.
As a single father, who co-parent’s very effectively with his ex, I find this single statement most upsetting
“She doesn’t want to go behind his back, but she’s tempted to do some “research” on Facebook. Does that sound like a good idea?
If she doesn’t want to go behind his back, then she shouldn’t. This is a “Tween” after all, who sounds like she’s at least mature enough to understand that Daddy has a new GF, it might constitute a different set of circumstances with a toddler or younger. But, in my humble opinion this single mom needs to respect boundaries. If the father is being a responsible adult, fulfilling his obligations to the daughter and a good daddy, then he is perfectly within his right to not acquiesce to her wish to meet his new girlfriend. My ex recently started dating a guy and this guy has already met my son. I respect her judgment enough to not let a total scumbag into her life and place my son in jeopardy. So I would never “request” to meet this man. At least not until she’s wearing an engagement ring or they move in together! Likewise, she should trust in my judgment enough. I probably would react the same as the dad did, and not immediately allow a meeting.
Co-parenting involves trust and boundaries and until this man’s “girlfriend” becomes something more IE a potential parenting influence a “sweet hello at the door” seems like invading his privacy.
Oh how funny. I’ve just gone through this very thing. My ex wanted to meet my new boyfriend, he’s moved in and is therefore involved in my son’s life. At first I was a bit angry that he didn’t trust my judgement, by wanting to meet him and see that he was good enough… but then thought, sod it! Ex wants to meet my bloke, and that’s ok.. and will hopefully get to a point somewhere in the far distant future where we can all be friends? They met, it was short and brief, weird for all concerned. My son is loved on all sides and that’s what matters the most and ex now knows I’m not exposing him to a nutter. I’d like to meet his lover some time, not to judge but just to make that connection, with the hope we can all be in the same room and be civil to one another. I think it’s important, but will only happen when both parties are open to it and aren’t still hurting and in pain. I’m so glad they met now, just feels one step closer to good things, even if it takes a decade to get there.
Twitter @ jennsplace
What sticks out for me is that the daughter said she & the GF are going to get pedicures together. I’m thinking dad is not going to be involved in this (but I could be wrong) and the new GF is going to have the daughter alone? I think that this is the point I’d like to at least meet & do polite chit chat w/the new GF at a pick up/drop off.
Unless the mother is a complete drama queen, stalker, or a pot stirrer, I don’t see why this is an issue at all. She’d probably do more research on a prospective babysitter, including on Facebook, so why not the new GF?
I never met my now ex-hb’s ‘baby momma’ until I had a child with him and I had become an ex as well. We had lunch and the kids played, and it was no biggie. I wished I’d met her sooner, but we won’t ever be friends.
My situation is a little different however I did find out that my ex had a girlfriend from my child. It has been a couple of years and I still have not met the girlfriend. My child does adore her and I do feel more confortable when she is around. I just think two set of eyes on my precise child is better than one.
What is going on with us is that my child would love me to meet the girlfriend. Honestly, I don’t care whatsoever. The less contact with my ex and his personal life is better for me, so I rather keep my distance. I am afraid that I may blurt out something like “be careful” or “watch your back.” I feel like I should warn her that he is a compulsive liar. That said, it’s better that I stay away. She will figure it out on her own and like I mentioned before I feel more comfortable when she is around when my child is wwith her dad.
On another note, I have facebooked her and figured out all her allias online. I know her name, where she works, who her exhusband is and so forth. I feel better knowing this information because I know the kind of person my child is being influenced by.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Yeah, I think I’d want to meet anyone that would be spending a good deal of time with my child, especially if they were ever going to be responsible for them.
On the other hand, once you do meet them and on the chance you don’t like them and have concerns about the influence they will have on your children there is really nothing you can do about it.
My ex left me for someone with a very unscupulous character, who he has since married, and her presence and influence has had a very negative impact on all my kids’ lives. All I an do is try to deal with the fallout. We really have no say in who the other parent spends time with unless there is illegal activity going on. Unfortunatley nothing can be done about morally bankrupt people being in very close proximity to our children.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I think a lot of it depends on the situation. Co-parenting is not an option in my situation, and because he’s never met the conditions required for visitation, I’ve made one of the rules be that the girls be in the care of someone other than their father (one of their aunts, for example) in order for them to see him. In my situation, I’d definitely want to meet the GF first before allowing her to be the adult in charge.
However, it doesn’t sound like this single mom has the same types of concerns as I do. One would HOPE that the GF would be the one to offer the olive branch, but since she hasn’t, and since the mom doesn’t seem to think there’s any cause for concern of the safety of her daughter, and if meeting the GF wasn’t made part of the agreement, then in her case, I wouldn’t insist upon it. It’ll most likely happen naturally if the GF sticks around.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Oh, one more thing. As far as FB goes, well, hey, it’s worth a shot! No one will know, and the GF probably has most of her info set to private anyway, so no harm, no foul.
Klee: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. It’s not unusual for single moms to find out that their ex has a new GF from their kids. How fortunate that your child seems so fond of her. And I agree, two sets of eyes on your cherished little one is nothing but good. Sounds like you totally vetted her on FB. Good for you, if you feel more comfortable knowing more about her.
This sounds exactly like the kind of exchange my ex and I have had. That said, I think the mom in question would have gotten farther by making the request seem more of a show of interest/friendliness rather than potentially critical. When I read “now that their daughter is spending time with her” my first thought was that it sounded defensive. If I’m ever in the same situation, I think I’d go with “Hey, that’s great that you’re seeing someone…I would love to meet her sometime.”
Nicola: Weird for all concerned neatly sums it up. The future hope that all the grown-ups who love your son can actually be friends is tantalizing. It’s such a blessing when hurting and pain subsides. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Jeff: Boundaries, trust, and waiting until the GF becomes something more . . . all important considerations. It sounds like you have a trusting, respectful relationship with your ex. Some of us simply can’t trust our ex’s judgment. The “FB research” option generated a lot of discussion. Thanks for adding your perspective. Single dads are always welcome @Singlemommyhood.
debra: Modeling polite, kind behavior for our kids is always a positive parenting choice. Sounds like you did a great job “taking the high” road. Good for you!
this is a topic that has always been a problem with my ex and I. She hasn’t met any woman that I’ve been dating, but neither has our son since I’m intentionally keeping them out of his life until I know they will be around for a long time. On her side however, she lives with the person she cheated who was also around our 1 year old son before we split. I have never met him, and have an obvious distaste for him. However the subject of us meeting has resurfaced as she is now pregnant with his child. The odds of us running into each other has greatly increased. I have always thought it best for me to meet him but, thought he would be out of the picture soon. Since it seems he will atleast be around for awhile, I’m practicing how to not lose my temper and brassing myself for the intro.
There is no simple answer to whether we should or have a right to meet our former significant others new partners. Just like everything else in developing a productive coparenting relationship, it depends on the exact circumstances and dynamics involved. I do believe however that inorder to keep our kids out of the middle we need them to feel comfortable with every aspect of thier family. If we refuse or aren’t allowed to meet other important people in thier lives it can lead them to see divissions between one family and another causing guilt, anxiety and a whole wack of other negative emotions we should be trying to avoid. The younger the kids are, and the less they can understand about adult relationships, the more important this becomes. I also think that it they are spending time alone with our kids, the argument for a brief meet and greet increases.
Twitter @ solomother
How’s this for a meet the ex situation? My BF and his ex attend the sporting events their sons participate in… and so eventually, at an after game party I met her. We chatted civilly, exchanged basic history, admitted how weird it was and moved on.
A week later, I’m standing at a game and the ex and HER boyfriend come up to me and start chatting.
My boyfriend shut down for days. He’s the only one in this equation who has problems with exes being civil to each other. I’m not saying we should all go on vacation together, but letting your own hurt and anger over a breakup poison the rest of your life is just not a good idea.
For me? I was glad to have met her, and wish her nothing but the best.
I know MY ex’s girlfriend. She’s the woman I accused him of having an affair with back in the day. And I like her, too. My ex is a step up from her ex, let me tell you!
UnDeadBeatDad: Welcome! I hadn’t thought of a “meet and greet” as an effective way to prevent kids (of all ages!) from being thrust into the middle of potential disputes in blended families. And most of us think of younger kids as less vulnerable, but you are likely correct that younger kids may need a “meet and greet” (the bare minimum) more than older kids. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective.
When Ex moved in with his girlfriend, the first time he kept the boys overnight there I asked to meet her. He was not thrilled about it but I explained to him that I didn’t want any drama, I would just feel better meeting her since she was living there and the boys would be around her. He went in the other room and talked to her and she finally came out and introduced herself. She was very nice and said she understood because she remembered how hard it was for her when her son’s dad moved in with someone. I won’t pretend to like the fact that she was running around with my husband for at least the last two years of our marriage and I’m not thrilled about her parenting style, but there’s never been any drama between us and we get along fine. I don’t expect to meet every girl he dates (who can keep up!) but since she’s living there, I think as a mother I have a right to know who is caring for my kids. I’m glad she agreed because it might have gotten ugly if she didn’t.
My x and I had a discussion about responsible co-parenting and it went out the window when he met his newest girlfriend and introduced her to my kids without even asking me. I had the courtesy to speak to him at length about introducing them to my boyfriend and asked him to keep me posted of any of their feeling they shared with him if they were concerning. They are 5 and 8 years old. The fact that he is keeping her “hidden” concerns me most! If he is embarrased then there must be something I wont like about her. I do know she is jobless and has no kids. I just wonder what does she do all day? Anyhow I’m becoming bitter with the whole situation and have been pulling away from communicating with him and decided to use only my judgement when there are issues that I normally would have discussed with him. Not the best situation for the kids I know but if we can’t communicate then what do I do?
Going from experience here.
My ex had plenty of GF’s that I met through the years (and were involved with kiddo on one form or another).
Out of all of them his first one (who was alos live-in) I had HUGE problems with. It had nothing to do with jealousy or wanting him back (although I did have these hurtful pangs but it didn’t cloud me in that sense).
However, she had done some things that were not great. It got to a point where ex would make her leave their home during drop offs/pick ups but she insisted on being in the vehicle when it happened in my home (when he’d come to my home).
The others were just fine. His wife and I (the one he finally married) are friends now.
All in all, it didn’t matter if I met the girl or not. The fact of the matter was my opinion on who he exposed our child to ceased to exist the day we hashed out our court order. In the grand scheme of things there isn’t much you can do.
In a co-parenting relationship you have to give room to let the other parent do their own parenting. The courts will do nothing until something bad happens anyway (ie. child with the new girlfirend alone and is explosed to something harmful). If this is a boundry for the ex then there really is nothing you can do.
Like I said in hindsight looking back, there was no reason I needed to meet ex’s new fling, gf… really all I got to do is shake their hand anyway at first. I understand the want to meet them but really it makes no difference in anything much. What if you didn’t like her? Do you really think your ex wants you involved in his decisions regarding who he dates? Do you want your ex to have that same involvement with who you date? (and what I mean by this is do you want him to have a say in who you can and can’t date just because he has a problem?)
My ex and I have always been open to introducing our new significant others to one another. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do because we felt we had a right to know who our son was spending time with.
I recently went through this with my ex. I had been dating a woman for about 8 months after knowing her for 6 years and was going to have her watch my 3 year daughter for a couple hours since neither my ex or her nanny could do it. My ex flipped out because she hadn’t met the woman. I reluctantly gave in. Later, I learned that my ex had introduced her new “boyfriend” to my daughter. Problem is, “boyfriend” is married with two kids and cheating on his wife with my ex. We went to a child psychologist to get some help and she laid some really go ground rules. Introductions to the child will happen only if 1) you’ve been dating for 6 months or more; 2) that person is available for an actual relationship (is unmarried and only committed to you); 3) no overnights until it’s time to move in; and 4) you must introduce the person to the ex as a courtesy (but not for approval) prior to allowing that person to spend one minute alone with our daughter. Strict rules but we both agreed and it gave both of us a strong comfort level for any future relationships.
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Hello Big City Dad . . .thanks for joining our conversation. Psychologists are people experts. This advice is strict, but makes sense. And both of you feel better about future relationships. Sounds good all around! Please visit us again soon.
I’m going to be doing this shortly…I will be meeting the X’s GF in 3weeks when they come for a visit and she will be meet my daughter for the 1st time at the same time she meets me.
Not thrilled about it… there is minor history there, over 5yrs ago he cheated on me with her. A one night stand. That broke us up the 1st time. But They hadn’t stayed in contact over the years (so i’m told!) & she found him on facebook 9mths ago and asked him to dinner…then they were together.
BUT he asked me if I was ready for her to meet our daughter now that they were pretty serious & talking about moving in together or if I needed more time. That was nice. So I said it was fine, we’d get it over and done with. I’m pretty sure it won’t last too long, dunno, depends on whether they want to sit down and talk about the boundaries straight up or leave if for another day. But I’m very thankful that he is respectful about things that he knows will be difficult for me.