I hate co-parenting! Help!
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Kids, Single Moms, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
A distraught single mom has shared a sad tale with us. It all started when her ex contacted her daughter to say that he’d try to celebrate her birthday with her.
Of course, her daughter’s hopes were raised. She was so hopeful, in fact, that she called her girlfriend and canceled a birthday trip they’d been planning for Disneyland.
“My daughter was SO excited about going to Disneyland with her friend for her birthday,” this mom wrote to us. “Now it’s ruined because he planted this idea of possibly seeing him. I’ve already heard my daughter telling her friend that the Disneyland trip was off because she might see her dad.”
“Of course, he hasn’t called. It’s a guarantee that he’ll be a no show.”
This mom also shared a bit of background: the father of her two daughters is a drug addict who has been in and out of jail many times. She has sole legal custody with court ordered stipulations for supervised parenting time.
“I don’t want to go into the whole tired saga. I know I can’t change him,” she says. “The big thing for me is that he constantly disappoints my girls by not keeping his promises. It’s a set-up to hurt them. And I’m left to pick up the pieces of my girls’ broken hearts. ”
“Of course, I feel terrible for my girls,” this mom adds. “But it hit me today that it’s also so unfair to ME.”
This single mom could definitely use your help to cope with this difficult parenting dilemma.
“I can’t stand the term co-parenting,” she says. “”I hate the fact that I have to control my temper after he has hurt my children.”
She has tried to hold her high many times, and put on a happy face. “But I don’t have those super-human capabilities. Any mother who’s asked to NOT show her feelings when her children are hurt… well, it’s too much to ask.”
We are sure you have a lot to say on this:
- Does she have the right to be angry when this father repeatedly hurts the children?
- Is it right for her to express these feelings openly to her children?
- Or, should she just continue to say nothing to them about how their father’s behavior toward them makes her feel?
(Photo courtesy of McAzadi/busy via Flickr)
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Are you seriously asking if she has the “right” to be angry? Because emotions are simply that-emotions-neither good nor bad, simply THERE, and to imply that ANYONE may not have the right to FEEL is simply unnaceptable to me. Perhaps using the word justified would give a better impression…and in either case, of course she does. Being on the receiving end of all of the different problems engendered by her ex’s behavior would cause upset and anger in a saint.
Second, why should she NOT talk openly with her children about how she feels? There is a huge difference between bad-mouting an ex and being honest. Her kids already know how he is, and to pretend otherwise is unfair to the children. The reason I feel so strongly about this is because I have an ex-husband similar to this single mom’s-and yes, I tell my son that his dad’s behaviour makes me feel angry and sad. And my son GETS that, because you know what? It makes HIM angry and sad. By expressing how much it hurts to see him be hurt by his father, to talk about how of course he loves his dad and is disappointed when he doesn’t follow through (or disappears for years at a time) gives my son permission to do the same thing. Does he love his dad? Of course he does-and I think it is great. But he also expects nothing from him, and knows that his dad does not tell the truth, and that he is a drug addict and therefore unreliable and, frankly, unsafe. These are not things I have told him, but things he has had to learn the hard way. To be able to verbalize how he feels and talk about his so called “negative” feelings with me has begun to empower him.
So this single mom is doing absolutely the right thing.
Kori´s last blog ..Friday Fragments 10/23/09
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that seeing your child hurt upsets you as long as you keep it in check. The thing I always try to keep in mind no matter what is going on is that my kids’ relationship with their mom is uniquely between her and them and the decissions each of them makes will shape that relationship. I’m really not a part of that.
With respect to cancelling a trip on the hopes that he’ll follow through; I would probably do my best to discourage that unless I had a court order compelling me to make them available to the flaky parent. I’d try to schedule anything with an unreliable person at times where it didn’t matter quite so much.
I don’t think bad-mouthing a parent is a good idea but I also don’t think that sticking to the facts is bad-mouthing. If they said they would show up and they didn’t then they let the child down and it’s perfectly normal for everyone to be dissapointed and upset about that.
Oh yeah, and when I need to vent I call my sister. She’s awesome.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I feel like I need to clarify a few points here.
The trip to Disneyland was not canceled; it was just dampened by the fact that he dangled the carrot of a possible visit in front of her.
She knows that any visits have to be approved by me in advance.
I said I hate the term co-parenting, but make no mistake, there IS no co-parenting here. I am the only parent.
We just found out that the cell phone he’d been using was not even his – she called today and the person that answered said that her father had stolen it, and now the rightful owner has it back. She called me crying and said, “you were right, Mom.”
I don’t want to be right about this. I would much rather him actually be someone capable of being an actual parent.
But I think we need to acknowledge that some people just won’t. And it’s not bad-mouthing the ex for our children to know that.
April´s last blog ..My first Friday Fragments
April: Thank you for clarifying the Disneyland trip details. We obviously misunderstood. In any event, your daughter was looking forward to the trip, which, as you describe, was dampened by the false promise of a birthday visit by Dad. We’re SO sorry to hear about the cell phone debacle. How terribly painful for your daughter. Of course, you don’t need to be right. And, often, particularly in these circumstances, the pain of “being right” is excruciating.
We’re hoping the conversation continues so you get additional comfort and support to deal with this challenging and upsetting family situation.
Single mothers, we need to stop tip toe-ing around our estranged spouses and our children’s Father’s.
Take control — we are the custodial parent, we are the ones day in and day out caring and emoting with these children.
Take control — next time do not leave any “last minute” window open to your Ex — set out the rules and how it works ahead of time — make it your new family policy — and stick to it!
Take control — do not give a damn how the EX feels because you know what? NO MATTER what your do or dont do he will feel angry and pissed off. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!
Take Control — make a decision and stick to it! Let the EX work around your new families requirements and plans.
Take Control — express with honesty and sincerity suited to your children’s ages the situation and use these moments as teaching moments so the kids can better cope next time…and next time….
Know that others are in your shoes — keep the health, safety and wellbeing of yourself and your kids top of mind. Always. And yes, if that means the EX does not get what he wants all the time or when he wants it — too bad! there is always a next time.
Prayers and best.
Tara:Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. One particular thing you said impressed us a lot. . .”Make a decision and stick to it.” All that last minute changing around lots of do to accommodate the too often no show dad is just too much chaos. Thank you for adding so much to our conversation.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think it’s easy to say “take control,” but it’s not so easy to do – particularly because our children – even if they see that a parent is irresponsible, even if they are hurt by a parent – they still love and want love from that parent. And it’s more problematic if every now and then it’s a good experience for them, even if it’s only every now and then, and fraught with problems for the other parent.
It’s also much harder to “take control” if the other parent has the upper hand in terms of money or other means to manipulate situations. There are many variables at play in each family’s situation.
All anyone can do is their best with what they have, and this mom’s assessment of what that means may vary at different points in time. But I have no doubt she’ll make decisions in favor of her daughter’s well-being. And that little girl is lucky to have one parent who will do that.
That said, it sucks to be the adult always picking up the pieces.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Bad news, a martini, a moment
Being the child of divorced parents, I
can provide SOME advice here. I firmly believe that your thoughts regarding the father’s lack of concern/involvement need to be kept to yourself. Should your child bring something up, stay neutral “yes, I know honey” is simple enough. As for your feelings…all parents want to protect their children. So, your feelings are both valid and warranted. Expressing them to a child will not put you in a position of authority or power…kids remember comments made over time, into their teens. Encouraging access to dad is important too…you can’t protect them from his behavior. They will always remember the kind, supportive, even keeled mom and the wacked-out dishonest dad. Don’t jade or add to those memories.
Thank you @Shelby for contributing your personal experiences to this important conversation. And, of course, welcome to Singlemommyhood.
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
Kori took the words right out of my keyboard, especially with the distinction between bad-mouthing and being honest. I’m thinking about this as someone who currently co-parents, but moreso as someone who, as a child, experienced constant disappointment from my father (who did not have custody). It would have helped if the adults in my life would have affirmed my feelings. I didn’t want anyone to bad-mouth my dad; I wanted someone to say that I say that I deserved better than what he did.
Deesha´s last blog ..“Co-Parenting” Does Not Mean “Swingers”
Co-parenting is a witch with a b…especially when there is no “co” about it. And, regardless what might be right, warranted or justified, we still must watch our words, expressions, and body language when it comes to talking to kids about the other parent and how we deal with visitation. I have sole physical and legal custody of my kiddos. The ex has visitation, and I have the right to institute supervised visitation if I deem it necessary, HOWEVER, my lawyers have already told me that if he actually decided to argue the point, I run the risk of losing the supervision choice and the sole custody because the courts are in “two parents (joint custody) are better than one unless there is physical proof of abuse” mode. My ex is an alcoholic and has some anger management issues, but since he doesn’t have a documented (arrest record) history of it, it doesn’t carry much weight with family court down here. It’s a fine line to walk between protecting your kids and making sure you don’t lose your ability to protect them. A lot of these toxic people are extremely good liars which makes it very difficult for outsiders (the courts) to see them for what they are. Keep a journal of all broken promises, missed visitation, stolen cell phones, etc. I figure if my ex wins the lottery some day and wants to look the part of the good guy and fight me on custody, I want proof of his flaky, negligent, uncaring past behavior. All that being said, I think this is an extreme situation that allows for some leeway. I don’t think it would be badmouthing him to let her know that you understand and agree with her emotions and have a serious talk about drug addiction and how it affects people. Don’t use it as an excuse for his behavior, but perhaps try to help her understand that this is NOT HER FAULT and you will always be willing to talk openly and honestly about any and all emotions she may have about dad. Sometimes in an attempt to not “badmouth,” we are aiding our exes in their stupidity by unwittingly making our kids think they’re imagining or blowing the bad behavior out of proportion.
CJ´s last blog ..Quick check in
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Amen to what CJ just said. The assumption(reasonable) is that both parents want what is best for the kids, even if one has issues.
Unfortunately, that assumption isn’t always the way it is. There are cases (many) where one of the parents is excellent at manipulating everyone (including a judge), and the result is that the other parent, fully aware of this, is left with damage control at every turn.
Judges are overworked and looking for worst case scenarios (typically physical abuse). Short of that, THEY make assumptions, readily accept untruths, and it leaves the other parent and children with a legacy that is a fine line to walk.
There’s no “win” situation here for anyone, and the legal system is of no use. The only possibility is to manage an unmanageable situation that you are never in control of. That means exercising judgment and walking that fine line between honest preparation and damage control with children, and still allowing for the fact that any child wants to love both parents. You have to find a way for both, if possible. Not always possible, but we tend to try.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Tattoo follow-up: pro piercing?
My ex is also unreliable, making promises he never keeps, etc. When my son gets upset because his dad has yet again blown him off, I try to acknowledge his emotions, let him know that it IS a disappointment, and then distract him with other plans.
However, never in a million years will I tell my son how angry I am with his father for being such an a-hole. That’s my “relationship” with my ex, not his with his father’s. I can share my emotions with my friends and family, but I am the adult here, and I don’t want my emotions to influence his relationship with his dad.
When his dad starts making promises that I know he can’t keep, I say, “Don’t” and cut him off. He’s starting to understand that until you know for sure it’s going to happen, you don’t say anything.
Suggestion? Ask the father not to share plans directly with the daughter. That way mom can control if and when she lets the daughter know about dad’s plans (surprises are ALWAYS better than disappointments). If he won’t do that, ALWAYS follow up a contact with dad by asking about plans, and making sure the daughter understands that NOTHING is set in stone.
There’s a few good books out there. Joint Custody with a Jerk and Custody Chaos Personal Peace (I actually preferred this one). Both sort of assume that you have reasonable communication with the other parent which isn’t always the case. Use e-mail, text messaging and take emotion out of the equation. It isn’t your relationship anymore. Your child’s relationship with that parent will be what THEY make it. You have to give up that control and that desire to be the facilitator of that relationship or you will drive yourself insane. Be there to support your kids but not to bash or protect the other parent. If you can’t let it go you do need to seek therapy and so do your children.
Case in point: I just got off the phone with the ex who is coming to our state this weekend and taking Halloween over, even though it is MY weekend. When did I find out? Tonight. He says he told me months ago (In August he said, “We might come out in October for Halloween”). I didn’t hear any more about it and figured it was what it always is, and empty promise. Nope, he’s coming and actually got mad at me for objecting! But now that he has told our son (before telling me), I can’t cancel their plans. So my son will be trick-or-treating twice, spending a couple of hours (which will turn into half a day) at an indoor waterpark on Saturday, and then staying overnight at the hotel with his dad, his dad’s GF, and her three kids (wasn’t this MY weekend??).
My solution? He gets him one less day before Christmas this year. You hijack my weekend, I hijack yours.
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
Does she have the right? Absolutely.
But this is shaky ground. You come across too harsh and the kids may feel that they have to pick sides. Defend Dad against Mom. Which is very bad.
In my situation. I have chosen to never say a bad word about her decisions. Ever.
I focus on the positives. Speak the truth in a positive light and let her air out her own dirty laundry all by herself.
When it comes to this kind of story though. I would make it clear that she shouldn’t cancel anything for him, until he says that he will. Teach that a “maybe” is neither a yes or a no.
Until he says yes, it really is a no.
Travis´s last blog ..Love Is a Battlefield… Oh… A Battlefield…
I hear this story over and over again -the dead beat dad who basically wants the time but is unwilling to take the responsibility -the dirty work, logistics, etc. of raising his children. Its my story too. I went through many years of this -it deprives mothers of the joy of parenting that they should have along with all the hard work and sacrifice. Its so prolific that I believe its a social problem. Alot of it based on our -dare we say it- still patriarchal society. We can now talk about descrimination against blacks and other ethnic gruops openly but we still can’t speak out about discrimination against woman -its still taboo. So until woman get their strong-hold -and they are getting there- men will slack and woman will carry the load in our culture. OK, I’ll stop before I get out of hand…
Every parent clearly has the right to feel when hurt. Though it is not the children’s job to carry the burden of their parents feelings it IS the job of a mother or father to carry the burden of the children’s feelings.
Showing that you are hurt for the child and THEIR loss can be a comfort to a child, however disparaging the other parent because you are hurt or angry doesn’t bring any comfort to the child and that should be the desired focus, the comfort and well being of the child.
Whether either parent likes it or not the father and mother are BOTH a part of the child and when one parent belittles or vilifies the other parent to the child this actually hurts the child and his/her own self image seeing that most children derive their identity in part from their parentage.
When your “Co-Parent” behaves badly, the other parent should be there to support, comfort, and love their child through it without attacking the Co-parent in front of the child. Then it is important for that parent to find others who understand and support him/her so that they CAN safely vent and find help themselves in carrying the burden of the pain brought on by the other parent.
I and my husband are both Co-Parents and have and still do deal with difficult “Co-Parenting” issues, however as we have grown we have begun to understand that our children’s burdens in life are great enough being a child of divorce and that we need to put them and their feelings before our own.
They will see the truth of things when they are grown, though this truth May be different from ours since they are seeing through less bias eyes.
Tracy: Thanks for joining our conversation. Rachel and I definitely agree …kids are the priority.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
As a custodial parent, I so feel everyone’s pain. My Ex does this all the time. First and foremost, I am mad when my Ex disappoints my daughter, but I keep it to myself. While I agree with Kori that I have a right to be angry, VERY few parents can express their anger without cross that line of bad mouthing the Ex. So don’t do it under any circumstances!
Here’s my solution: When my Ex wants to do something or promise something, she has to clear it with me first. I then give her a window of 30 minutes and make secondary plans without telling my daughter. i.e. If mom shows up, then my daughter is surprised, if she doesn’t then I am the only one disappointed and my daughter is never the wiser.
If my Ex promises something to my daughter without clearing it with me first, I then say, “PERHAPS or MAYBE she’ll do so-and-so but we will not get our hopes up. Ok?” I lower expectations.
For example (my Ex does this all the time): Caitlyn will tell me, mom’s going to have lunch with me on Wednesday this week. I say, “MAYBE she will have lunch with you, but we will not get our hopes up ok? Go stand in the lunch line and don’t wait on her. If she shows, eat with her, if not eat with your friends. I don’t even care if you buy the lunch and she shows up, you can throw away your bought lunch ok?”
In truth she never shows up–heart breaking I know. In fact, I have asked her not to tell her but just surprise her–she still continues to make empty promises.
Last point, when I hear about it later, I don’t make a big deal about it. “Dad, mom didn’t show up for lunch today.” “That’s why we made a plan for you to buy just in case.” After 11 years, my daughter knows who main parent is, she doesn’t need me bad mouthing my Ex to come to that conclusion.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Be the Better Parent – My Story!