When Dad is a no show
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
What do you do when Dad doesn’t call or show up for parenting time?
Thanks, Wonder Mom, for calling our attention to a dilemma that many single moms share.
Wonder Mom is right: her situation is very common. Here’s how it usually plays out:
“My ex has a generous parenting time schedule. The trouble is, he can be very irresponsible and often hurts their feelings by not showing up when he promised.
I am often left with two crying, disappointed children. When I try to talk to him about how the kids feel, he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me that something came up.
I’m looking for a solution to help lessen my kids’ hurt.”
Consider handling this situation by having a Plan B.
Plan B, of course, is some alternative activity — which the kids can count on – if Dad is a no show.
Here’s how to start the conversation:
The next time Dad is scheduled to take the kids somewhere, talk to them about Plan B, if their dad does not show up. Say very specifically: “Your dad is planning to take you to the movies on Saturday. He told us he would pick you up at 12:30 p.m. What’s our Plan B for Saturday, if he does not arrive?”
This discussion gives the kids the reassurance that the day will not be a total loss, if Dad doesn’t show.
Your kids also get a chance to express disappointment about previous “no shows” and the hope that this time things will happen as Dad has promised.
Of course, you get the final say on Plan B. To minimize disappointment, the alternate plan should definitely be more fun than finishing their homework or cleaning their rooms. You and the kids can also decide how long you will wait before leaving the house for your own planned activities.
Suggest, for example, that you do a few errands (like the ones you thought you’d polish off while Dad had the kids) — and then see the movie that Dad promised later in the afternoon.
If your finances are tight, decide together on a fun and low-cost activity like a DVD at home with lots of buttered (real thing) popcorn.
Here’s the take away message: Take control of the day, as you help your kids express their feelings.
Have you ever had a “No Show Dad”?
What did you say to your kids?
What was your Plan B?
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Can’t say I’ve had much trouble with a no show dad, but a lot of experience with a no show mom (no child suppport either…ever, but that’s a different story).
My children were alwasy pretty good at coming up with things they’d like to do if their mother didn’t show, or decided to show up 20 hours late. Come to think of it, the one time she picked them up anywhere close to on time she brought them back within 24 hours.
Anyway, board games were pretty popular. They could pick out one movie each to be watched at different times spread out over the weekend. A trip to the ice rink was always popular, but less common ($). The end result was within a year of me leaving their mother, the children didn’t really care if they saw her, and actually prefered not to. That was tough, because I still had to try and support their need to see their mother when they were complaining against it. But that’s a different story.
Foot note: My children love to see their mother now. They only see her about 3-4 times a year. She always brings them some treat.
She has become like a favorite aunt whom they only see for less than an hour at special times.
Thanks Rachel, Dr. Leah, and M! I’ve been trying to avoid the disappointment altogether by not telling the kids when their dad is supposed to visit, but for some reason he feels compelled to tell them and then not follow through. I try to be positive when he flakes out and look at it as bonus time with Mommy but it just kills to me see that they’re already learning they can’t trust their dad. After flaking out the last few times he was supposed to see them and not visiting since before Christmas, he told the boys on Sunday that he would take them to their grandparents’ house this weekend. I tried to emphasize to them that he’s going to TRY to take them. My 4-year old asked me Monday when they’re going with Daddy and when I said “I don’t know,” he answered that Daddy says they can come with him this weekend but he said the same thing last weekend and then he didn’t come. I get tired of making excuses for him and trying to cover for him but I don’t want the boys to know the truth…that their dad would rather spend the weekend with the girl he was cheating on us with than spend a few hours with them. Last night, my 4-year old actually told me “Mommy, Daddy said he was going to visit us last weekend but he lied.” I’ve been having a lot of problems with my 4-year old lying lately so that really touched a nerve hearing him say it that way.
My son’s dad is often a no show on for his midweek parenting time. Since dad is supposed to pick him up from school – when I show up its to the point where my 3 year old no longer asks where his daddy is and just says “my daddy must be working.”
I never know why dad is a no show so that is what I would tell him when he asked where daddy was. Unfortunately I usually never know dad is a no show until close to daycare closing so my plan B is to rush over before they close and we carry on with out evening as every other night after school.
I just wish dad would call our son when he doesn’t show and tell him why himself why he couldn’t pick him up. Sadly dad will go two weeks without speaking to him and our son refuses to call him “because he won’t answer my calls”. I think he’s too young be let down so much by someone he is supposed to trust.
Jen, I totally agree! Ex usually calls me with some lame excuse (or texts and then refuses to answer my calls) why he’s not going to see the boys when he said he would. I wish he would tell them himself…I mean common decency would say that a simple phone call saying “Hey, kiddo, I’m sorry but Daddy has to work this weekend. I’ll make it up to you next time.” would be in order but he doesn’t see that. On Squirt’s 4th birthday, he called me to tell me he “wasn’t in the mood” to take him out to dinner as promised. When I told him he needed to explain that to the boys himself, he actually asked me “Why should I have to tell them? You just tell them and it’ll be ok.” Yeah…ok for whom?
My boys are the same as yours though…they’re figuring it out already. When Daddy promised to come to a parents’ event at Squirt’s preschool, he texted me 45 minutes into the thing to tell me he “might be running a little late.” I pulled Squirt aside and told him very apologetically that Daddy got tied up at work and was going to try to make it but he might not be able to get here in time. Squirt just shrugged and said “Oh…I just figured he wasn’t coming again.” And then the Ex has the balls to accuse me of turning the boys against him. Sorry buddy…you’re doing a good enough job of that! You don’t need my help!
Not that it will do any good, it didn’t with my ex, but you can point out to the ex that the children grow up and the relationship that is not built or maintained now won’t be built later. Children start sorting things out pretty quick after the family break up and a parent that doesn’t make time to be part of their life (especially the non costodial parent) will ultimately pay the price later.
Sad to say that it doesn’t matter to everyone, but you can always hope that it will in your case (the children usually hope it does).
Thanks for sharing your challenging situations. How comforting to know that others are experiencing similar circumstances and managing to handle the situation with such grace and dignity.
As I’ve mentioned, my “babies” are grown-up so I have lots of single moms friends whose kids are in college and beyond. This seems to be a common experience among my SM friends. Dad gets more interested in the kids as they get older –not sure why–but, when that happens, it’s the kids with no time for Dad. It’s not about anger or pay back. The kids just don’t have the experience of making Dad part of their own hectic lives.
In the meantime, when you’re rushing to day care or trying to say just the right things to your four year old …just very complicated.
My kids dad always showed up, but he didn’t always make decisions in their best interest. I always said that “grown ups get to make their own decisions” which helped my kids understand that I couldn’t just tell him what to do. I wasn’t “he won’t listen to me” it was more of an understanding that he was making choices, and that they wouldn’t always agree, and neither would I. Not easy stuff.
Amy Sue: Definitely not easy stuff. Making the distinction between your choices and the choices your ex makes is an important distinction to make for your kids.
Twitter @ honoree
My daughter’s therapist says this: “Its like being slim. Everybody wants to be slim, most don’t want it enough to actually be slim. Its not that he doesn’t want to see you, its that he doesn’t want it enough to do what it takes to see you. The choices he makes don’t help you to feel good, but they are his choices to make and have nothing really to do with you at all.”
My heart goes out to all the moms with no-show dads, and the dads with no-show moms. My ex and I both made a conscious choice to co-parent, and stay deeply involved with our kids. So we don’t have this no-show problem on either side.
My ex decided to move out of the state before the divorce was even official. He has a weekend every month that is “his”, but has never taken advantage of it. He will go 10-12 days before calling. I just don’t tell my son, and that way if his dad doesn’t call, he’s not missing anything. My son is happy enough spending a week with him every other holiday, but we’ll see how long that lasts. I give it less than a year before he can’t afford the travel arrangements or doesn’t have the time.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
My oldest daughter is going through some serious emotional issues with the latest developments that her dad has disappeared yet again. It’s almost like she’s mourning a loss. And I’m getting more and more to a point where I think the best thing for her is to never see him again. He’ll never be able to provide her with any kind of security, and he just hurts her over and over again. Not that not seeing him ever again will stop the hurt completely, but it would still be better for her to never go through this pain again.
April’s last blog post..X Chronicles continued
I had been going through my divorce for 5yrs.Just last Sept. it was finalized. My ex husband who is 50yrs old took our 15yr old to France on a ski vacation. Just the two of them. (He normally travels with his entourage 31yr old girlfriend & her 7yr old son every where). I thought it was going to be a nice time for my daughter to spend some alone time with her dad. He proceded to tell her he is getting married in June and that she was expected to be in the wedding. My daughter was devistated. She called me when he wasn’t around and told me. I calmed her down and told her he had a right to do what he thought was right for him. My daughter has re-entered therapy after 3 years of no therapy. His inability to be just a dad has made this child so insecure and feeling that she has no dad, that she hates him. I made a decission to move and not make it so easy for him to just “drop by” because of his “work” schedule. I don’t want her hurt any more. This man is a selfish self centered individual who thinks and believes HE comes before anyone including his child. We as primary parents need to do what is necessary to protect our children and help them become confident young adults.
I’m 11 and my dad is really hurtful …. he never comes to see me .
my last memory was when I was two and he just walked in to pick me up, I was playing hide and seek and he didn’t even look for me and left!!!!!!
He said he would come back . Being a kid I thought he was behind the door out side . “Later” wasn’t until 10 years “later”.
If he meant ” See you in TEN YEARS ” H e kept his word. But I doubt it .
I really liked what Honoree said . Thats what my mom says to me .
My ex rarely shows up to pick up the kids. He does however find the time to criticize me about how I dress them and such things. Prioritizing is a great thing, isn’t it?
But I have always been honest to my kids and I will continue to do so. I try not to badmouth him (and not to kill him when his (now ex)girlfriend hit my child, leaving him with blue marks)
But they now see the way he is for themselves. The eldest doesn’t want to see him anymore. It’s his choice. I do ask him though, when his dad does decide to come through. Sometimes he goes, because he doesn’t want to miss his little brother.
So my advice is be honest with them and let them know that you are there. You will have to wipe away a lot of tears and gnaw your lips bloody, but sooner or later they will reach their own opinion and decisions. And singlemom’s tip is also great. I also do that sometimes.
I know it looks like I talk easy, but I also know how it feels to have child cling to the hope mommy and daddy will reconcile one day (even with daddy having another child with one woman and now living with another). It’s been three years and my heart bleeds for my babyboy
Ok my question is what can I do legally, when the ex doesnt show for his court ordered visitations??
We have a parenting plan in place, and he still cant bother to show up for his visits half the time, and usually if i’m even lucky enough to get a phonecall (actually a txt cuz he never calls) its last minute. He goes 3-4 weeks at a time with absolutely no contact with the children. I am absolutely frustrated with the situation.
I can not make any plans because I cant rely on him showing up, and I try not to tell my kids its daddy’s weekend unless i know for a fact hes on his way because seeing the disappointment in their eyes hurts me way to much. So I guess my question is is there a way i can have his visitation rights taken away??? I wish he would be consistent in their life but it looks like thats never going to happen, so I’d rather him stay consistantly out!!! any ideas, information, or suggestions on what to do would be very helpful!!!