Is a “dad substitute” a good idea?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
Note to clarify: Many single moms refer to a father who’s absent by choice as a “genetic donor” (GD).
“My daughter’s genetic donor left when I was pregnant,” her email begins. “He made it very clear that he wasn’t going to be involved. I decided to move forward with the pregnancy knowing full well I’d raise this baby 100 percent solo. I have two children from a previous relationship and their father is 100 percent involved with our two kids.”
“When I became pregnant, I cut all ties off with anyone connected to the GD — including my friend who is married to his brother. I just couldn’t see how we could still be friends when her brother-in-law was keeping my pregnancy a secret. Actually, the GD had reunited with the mother of his first child and got her pregnant again. I wasn’t even aware of this until I was six months pregnant. Our children are now two weeks apart.”
“Maybe I was wrong for cutting my friend off,” she adds. “But I just couldn’t see how our friendship could continue.”
Now, here’s the dilemma:
“The GD’s brother — my friend’s husband — called me out of the blue recently to ask to be in my five month old daughter’s life. He said he doesn’t agree with his brother’s decision. ‘I want to be a dad substitute for my niece,’ he said. ‘I want to be there for her.’ “
But this mom says: “I’m scared to allow him into our lives, and I’m not even sure why. The GD and his brother have an up and down relationship (right now they’re not on speaking terms). I’ve steered clear of the GD’s girlfriend and new baby – I just don’t want the drama. The GD lives literally four blocks from us and has yet to see my daughter.”
“I’ve come to accept that the GD will likely never be in my daughter’s life.”
So, here’s the question: “Should I allow his brother into my daughter’s life? Is it better to cut off all ties? Or is it worth the risk to let this uncle assume a ‘dad substitute’ role?”
We’re wondering: How should this single mom handle the offer of a “dad substitute”?
(Photo courtesy of ilovefremont2001)
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Twitter @ krizbell
i say follow your first instinct and stay away. it’s inconsistency that hurts children when routine should be the religion of anyone under 18. she doesn’t need drama or anyone trying to do the right thing possibly out of spite or some other unhealthy relationship motivators. for drastic cultural differences and substance abuse issues i kept my daughter’s ‘GD’out of the picture- though she is often sad about missing some sort of dad in her life, she has plenty of people who love her dearly, in a family way too as we share a home with 2 other single moms and their daughters- each of us with a different degree of dad. we celebrate difference and approach the difficulties as they come with as much bravery and courage and truth as possible. nobody has ever told me that the drama of a GD in the picture is worth the pain and suffering and upset it brings to the house, if you have a choice.
kriz bell´s last blog ..why do you care?
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
Family, is family is family. And as long as they don’t hurt you, they should be in your life. I think it will do wonders for your daughter to have a member from the other side show love and support. Set clear boundaries and rules…if he breaks them and shows inconsistency, kick him right back out of your lives. But at least give him a chance…this is really giving your daughter a chance to know more of her family.
I struggle with letting people in my son’s life and am very guarded…so I get where you are coming from. This could lead to the GD wanting to be involved, this could lead to more people claiming your daughter as your own… this IS scary. But in the long run, the more people that love your daughter, the better off she is, even if you have to suffer some uncomfortable moments.
Samantha´s last blog ..A day of battles
Twitter @ http://jeanieinparadise.blogspot.com
Strong male role models in your children’s live are important in that they show them you can have positive and wonderful relationships with men, even if Dad isn’t available.
The offer that has been given, however, sounds a little too much like leverage in a family feud.
But then again, I would not have cut off the girlfriend just because of the association – nor would I have stayed stumm about who was the father, so what do I know?
jeanie´s last blog ..Saturday afternoon shopping – fraught with dangers
That’s just weird. If he wants to step up and be an uncle, OK (cautiously), but a “dad substitute”???
Jeanie: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. Loved your observation about potentially too much leverage in a family feud. Please visit us again soon.
Nich: So glad you shared the perspective of good intentions and valuing family ties. Thanks for joining our conversation.
I would be cautious and take it one step at a time maybe him saying being a “dad substitute” was a bit of a stretch, maybe he is wanting to keep family together. I would really think it over, pray about, and discuss with the uncle what his specific expectations are, and what kind of involvement he wants to become a part of. Ultimately you are in charge, family is important he may have good intentions and want to be part of your daughter’s life. All the best to you.
Twitter @ MominApt10b
I say.. follow your heart.
What if the relationship turns out to be something that heals and mends and reconciles? Isn’t that a worthwhile goal for the sake of your child? Substitute daddy? Uncle? Semantics! Family! = MO’ LOVE for your baby! And YOU!
JackiesMagic´s last blog ..Who do you know?
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I have learned from previous experience that if something is making me uncomfortable–then heed to it. Now, I’ve reached a point that when I feel that “ick” feeling—I listen to it without overanalyzing it. If you feel confused–there’s a reason—something is confusing. Please listen to yourself and only yourself for it’s only you that is experiencing this situation.
Avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
No matter what the situation… a mothers gut never lies. If you don’t feel comforitable with the brother being in your life than I would steer clear.
Never put yourself or your family into a situation that you know deep down that something is wrong. Stay strong and know that you are doing a great job… even if your daughter does not have a “father figure” in her life. My children went years without a man in their life and I think I did a damn good job playing both roles.
Jolene´s last blog ..The wedding
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I can totally relate. My ex left me when I was 4 months pregnant & we only had contact twice between then and when my son was born. Once he left, I had to cut off ties with a friend, because she was married to one of his good friends. My main reason was I didn’t want to hear about anything to do with my ex and I didn’t think it was fair to any of us to continue our friendship and then them have to tip toe around me, making sure they don’t slip up and say something about him & his new wife (who he met on of our last dates, when he took me out for my birthday).
My friend and I did not have a fight. Nothing was said. We just slowly parted ways prior to the birth of my son. I still see/talk to her from time to time. It is infrequent enough that he rarely comes up. Enough time has gone by that I have not ill will towards my ex and actually feel sorry for him that if, and when, he has a relationship with my son, he will regret not being there to see our son grow up.
My concern with your situation would be what happens when your daughter’s uncle is back talking to her father. Will he split from your daughter’s life to save face since it sounds like your daughter is still regarded as a secret with your ex. Does he only want a relationship with your daughter because he is mad at his brother and wants to be a “better man” and throw it in his face? Probably. Why didn’t he step up initially? Perhaps he has a change of heart, but it was probably motivated by the feud with his brother. I would be extremely cautious right now. I would steer clear of her uncle as of now and see if he still wants to be part of her life down the road. I would hate to see her have a father figure, uncle, anyone really around for a while then leave.
My son does not have a father figure and he is 13 and doing wonderfully. Not sure how old your daughter is, but I assume she is very young. Being a single mother is hard, why add stress in your life now. I have a feeling if you allow this you and your daughter will be along for a very bumpy ride.
Another thing to think about is what happens when it does get rocky and you think your daughter is being used as a pawn in this family feud? You will wonder how to end ties with her uncle, at which point, you will feel guilty about it since he is around. I personally think it is probably best to not allow it for now. Nothing says she can not have a relationship with him in a few years (once you can see his true intentions.) Trust me, if he really wants to be part of her life, no amount of rejection will keep him away. Let some time pass and see how persistent he is with having a relationship with her.
One thing that I strongly believe is that there is no right or wrong choice. The right choice is the one you make. Good luck to you !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
I agree with Anna…if you do allow him in your daughter’s life, he should be an uncle, not a daddy substitute. But for some reason his request sounds shady to me, so I’d stick with your gut instinct to avoid contact. Although family is family, I wouldn’t want the GD’s family involved in a child’s life unless they’ve been supportive of you from the very beginning.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Sit down with the uncle – without your child – and get a better feel for his motives. Try to understand who he is, forgetting who his brother is.
I know my X’s family very well, and we’re very close to one of the brothers. We spent the day with him in SF when we were there on vacation, and I’ve had dinner with his sister and family. I’ve even had brunch with his mother and niece. Most of them are my friends on FB.
We’ve learned to separate the relationships, and for that, I’m very grateful.
But this brother has to be willing to build his own relationship with YOU before he starts with your child.
April´s last blog ..Finding financial balance
Jolene: A mother’s gut never lies . . .well said. Deep down, this single mom is still trying to decide if she does feel that something is wrong. When you clearly feel the sense of warning, absolutely, this is a situation to avoid with your kids and YOU! Thanks for adding to our conversation.
Avigail74: Can really relate to what you said . . .if you feel confused – the situation is confusing. We’re all prone to over analyzing, especially when the “ick” factor is involved. Wise advice!
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This situation is fraught with so much complexity, I can’t imagine there’s an easy answer, or even one answer only.
I do believe that the “gut” is a good compass. I know that for myself, when I turn from my inner voice or gut reaction, I tend to regret it.
I hope that your family stands behind you, whatever you choose to do.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Parenting from a peripheral planet
So does he want to adopt? How odd. If he wants to be a part of your child’s life then he should just be an uncle. Not Uncle Dad.
It’s too much to be a “dad substitute.”
Best of luck lady!
Restless Mama´s last blog ..My smile factor
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! don’t get drawn into drama under the guise of “family” Only YOU get to decided who is a substitute DAD… Just because he asks doesn’t mean you have to say yes.
12:30pm est TODAY on LOVETALK:IS A SUBSTITUTE DAD OK? W/DR. LEAH @singlemommyhood http://tobtr.com/s/707754 call (718) 766-4895 JOIN US!
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I’d wonder what caused the sudden and fairly intense paternal interest, and if it can just come up out of nowhere, it’s likely it can just as quickly evaporate.
It’s certainly possible you just hooked up with the wrong brother, and he might be just right, but, why now?
Flaky is best left for pie crusts.
Scott´s last blog ..Fever and Fun Things to Do
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
first of all, kids need to know where they come from. It really isn’t fair for the child for the mother to just cut all ties like that. Not unless there is abuse or drug/alcohol use involved.
I would allow relatives to be associated with the child, but in a relative role. An uncle is still an uncle. Let him and his wife babysit once or twice a month. Let them come to birthday parties and Christmas if they want. Don’t shit them out, but don’t allow them to invade the family life either.
My children’s fathers are not involved, and my sons are aware that they should have a daddy and want to know why they aren’t around. This is not my choice. This is a choice that was made by men who claimed to want a family. Please, do not rob your child of a loving, supportive relationship.