When Dad unexpectedly appears
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
“I had my daughter with a man who left us when she was a baby,” a single mom wrote to us this week.
Maybe you can offer her some advice about this very familiar dilemma? Thanks!
“My daughter, who’s now eight, has asked about him, and I’ve explained that he was simply not ready for the big job of taking care of a little girl.
We’ve had a string of emails over the past few years, mostly around holidays. He has never expressed an interest in seeing our daughter. Until now. Out of the blue, he contacted recently me to say that he was ready to be ‘everything a daddy should be.’ ”
Say what?
This dad went onto say that he’s moving back to their city and would like to meet “his child.”
This mom wonders: “What should I do?”
First, insist that you and your daughter’s father meet alone initially. That way, you can get a clear answer to: What does “everything a daddy should be” mean to him?
Why does he now want to reconnect with his child?
Are you comfortable with his explanation of why he’s suddenly ready to be part of your child’s life?
Are you confident that he won’t inflict the double whammy of establishing a relationship with your daughter — only to abandon her again?
Is he willing to abide by the house rules and support the values you’ve been working hard to teach?
Assuming that you’ve got sole custody, it’s up to you to decide whether encouraging a relationship with Dad is right for your child.
Ask yourself: What are Dad’s judgment and behavior like? Does he seem reliable enough to spend time alone with your daughter?
If so, start very slowly. In many ways, he’s a stranger. You need to exercise the same care you normally would if any other new person wanted to be part of your daughter’s life. Until you’re confident of his judgment and motives, get togethers with Dad should include you.
Explain to your daughter that Dad now feels that he made a mistake leaving her and is trying to make things right. Let her know that you understand she may feel confused and surprised by what has happened. Listen carefully to what she shares about her dad. Be aware of her feelings and any emotional discomfort she may express.
Tell us: Are you dealing with an “absent dad” dilemma?
Should single moms always encourage a relationship with a child’s biological father?
Or are there times when a child is better off not building a relationship with Dad?
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I have to correct something here:
“Assuming that you’ve got sole custody, it’s up to you to decide whether encouraging a relationship with Dad is right for your child.”
Sole custody does not equal decisions on parenting time with the other parent if the court order (if there is one) outlines parenting time for each parent. Even if the other parent has been absent forever.
No court order means no one has custody either in the eyes of the law and family court.
Sorry, that comment really hit home for me and I couldn’t not say anything in case either this mom (or another parent somewhere in the same situation) was reading this. Ultimately I’ve seen many parents (and kids for that matter) get the short end of the stick by the thought that sole custody means you can revoke parenting time (if court ordered even if the parent has been absent you are still required to follow the orders of the court technically).
Now as for the rest of the post and the advice given, I ABSOLUTELY agree 100% take time, go slowly, allow your child time to adjust. Kids adjust fairly quickly most times and she may be eager to spend more and more time with her father don’t take that as an insult or be hurt, this is just her learning too.
Good luck!
Kari’s last blog post..Looking for a new rental…
@Kari – You are 100% correct. Please don’t say “sorry”. We’re grateful you pointed out this possibility.
If a Court Order specifies parenting time, the parent with residential or sole custody cannot revoke the parenting time arbitrarily. And, as you rightly pointed out, it does not matter how little time that parent has previously spent with the child. And the same goes for child support. A parent delinquent in child support retains the right to parenting time. They are two separate issues.
And, again, you correctly point out that no Court Order can present major problems if a long absent dad (or mom) suddenly reappears.
Thank you so much for offering additional information and perspective to this troubled single mom.
Thank you Dr. Leah, I was trying not to sound rude. Ex and I were unmarried when dd was born when we split we ran into a whole slew of mess and I’d hate for that to happen to anyone else.
Kari’s last blog post..Looking for a new rental…
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I struggle with this all of the time. This situation is a bit different than my own, though, so I’m not sure if my own experience applies other than to say this: what is really in the best interest of the child? This man should prove that he’s going to be a constant, solid presence in her life before he’s even introduced. There are only a few ways to do this, and one of them is consistent child support to help financially care for the child. I would also suggest some family counseling between the two parents to discuss all the matters in detail. I don’t believe that all children are better off with a man around to call Daddy unless that man has earned that title.
April’s last blog post..Late Weekend Wrap-Up
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’ve dealt with this issue since before my daughter was born – almost four years ago and I’m still trying to figure it out.
I have sole custody of her as well as the decision making (meaning I don’t need to consult w/him first regarding her needs/interests). We have a support agreement which for the most part he has stuck to and we also have a parenting time schedule which he has not. In fact he has seen her only twice this year instead of every-other weekend.
My problem is he tries to blame ME for his not seeing her – which couldn’t be further from the truth. He lives 30 minutes away but acts like it 3,000 miles and such a heavy burden to visit yet expects ME to bring her to HIM and if I don’t accuses me of “keeping her from him”. Obviously he’s manipulative and controlling and only cares about himself but I don’t bad-mouth him to my daughter. I don’t think he’s a positive influence but rather a nuicsance I have to deal with.
The older my daughter gets the more difficult the circumstances are to explain but I try not to address anything until it actually happens; i.e.; I only tell her he’s coming to visit about 10 minutes prior and when she asks why he doesn’t live here? I just say because he has his own house he wants to live in. ANd since his ACTIONS speek louder than his words I try to address what he does instead of what he says but it means I can’t plan too far ahead becasue I never know what to expect.
MindyMom’s last blog post..A Love Like That
My worst nightmare.
In October, I am applying to have his parental rights revoked, to avoid this situation. I’ve begged him numerous times to be a part of her life, and waited far too long in my own for him to come around.
Me, sitting on a porch, waiting for a car that never arrives is something I can live with now. Her, waiting for that car? No, never.
My job as her mother is to protect her, that will be my first role. I know that someday I will need to explain all of the details and answer the questions the best that I can, and when that time comes, I will.
Until then, I will be much more at peace knowing that from here on out, her best interests will be decided by me, who knows her and would die for her, rather than a judge or referee of the court.
Jenn’s last blog post..Four
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Leah & Friends,
Well this is definitely a tough situation that requires a lot of thought. Here’s my viewpoint.
1. Do you have a court order, and does it outline clearly that you are the custodial parent? We assume so, but if not proceed very cautiously. Without one, as a parent, he could perform a legal kidnapping that will get very sticky without proper paperwork.
2. I agree with Leah, meet with him first and discuss, “Why now, and what’s changed?” I also suggest bringing a girlfriend or an unbiased 3rd party to the luncheon.
3. Unless you completely trust him and he proves to you that he’s had a “come to Jesus” meeting, I would encourage him to file paperwork to establish a “parent child relationship”. Now I know readers this appears cruel, but in my 11 years of dealing with co-parenting moms and dads, there needs to be a legal bases to fall back on. You don’t have to follow a court order, but when communication is strained, it’s the rules we follow. Besides, this is a big step, as he will be both stepping up to the plate financially and with visitation. This is a true test to see if he is really grown up and ready to be the dad he’s suppose to be.
4. What is his long term plan? Is he here to stay, is he getting re-married? Is he man enough to be dad now? What role does he see himself playing in the future?
5. Start very slow.
a. Month #1: He is going to write his daughter a letter twice a month.
b. Month #2: The above plus, he is going to call twice a month.
c. Month #3: The above plus, he is going to show up at a public place for an hour.
d. Month #4: The above plus, take his daughter out to dinner for an evening.
e. Month #5: The above plus, take his daughter for a weekend with his parents.
f. Slow, slow, slow. Let him prove that he has changed to both you and his daughter.
Being a parent is a big responsibility. Although I encourage relationship with all parents any time, it should only begin if it is going to be long lasting for mature parents that are ready for the responsibility. Otherwise write a nice letter around the holiday and staying away can be the best thing for your kids. They don’t need repeated disappointment–they need parents that stick around. My thoughts!
FullCustodyDad
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@April I agree that child support needs to be discussed. I’d love to see this single mom and “unexpected Dad” to work with a psychologist to hash out the past, present, and future for this youngster.
@MindyMom I agree with your approach of not burdening your daughter with too much information about Dad plans, especially since he is so unreliable. Having a Plan B is always a good option – something planned that will happen if Dad doesn’t show. Otherwise, it’s just more of a letdown for the kids. Your daughter sounds very sweet.
@Fullcustodydad – Thank you. You’re a valued member of our singlemommyhood community.
Just a bit of clarification. A “come to Jesus” meeting means that an individual has had a crashing insight with a concomitant change in behavior. In this case, it means that “absent Dad” must “own” that the choices he previously made were absolutely wrong.
I love the idea of bringing a neutral third party to the meeting.
I’ll have to leave my 2 cents.
I would verify your court papers..and make sure I have a court certified copy of them.. including your custody and visitation.
This wasn’t mentioned… if he’s paying financial support that is a good factor on whether he’s serious or not. Every parent should take financial responsibility.
Finally.. I would take it more than slow. I would bump into him at Chuck E. Cheese. Allow him to see what your daughter looks like from a distance. The 1st time can be emotional even for men. If he wants to go foward, then work it as a brief meeting of a “friend”.
And of course… take it slow..slow..slow. Keep a family counselor on speed dial. It will make your life and hers easier.
Eathan’s last blog post..Black, White Or Both?
If you can verify that this man will never disappear again from her life, which is really hard I know, then I say she has every right to know him. Of course if he’s a bad guy in general, you know does shady things and isn’t responsible then you can’t trust him in general to be with her.
If you find that he’s truly grown up and is ready to be a father then I’d start of slow.
Like he’s only see your daughter with you present for about an hour so they can talk and get to know each other. I’d continue this until she says she’s comfortable going with him alone.
Pamala’s last blog post..New Glasses
Twitter @ singledadlife
Whoa, let’s slow down here a bit. First, there is some great advice here. It is also obvious that a lot of personal experience is entering into the advice.
There is a lot of information that needs to be gathered which we don’t know.
I am not a lawyer so I might be wrong with the legalities. If he is the father, he has the right o see his daughter no matter how much I might feel about how he acted in then past. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he is a jerk and a bottom feeder as far as I am concerned, but his daughter has the right to get to know who her father is.
I agree with the meet him first and try and get his motives and what caused this transformation. But instead of jumping to the conclusion that his motives are to destroy his daughters life, maybe, just maybe, he really has made a huge mistake and is so remorseful he wants to do anything to make up for his errors.
Please understand that I would be very very disgusted if I was this mom and rightfully so. But let’s hope that this will turn out to be a major positive in little girls life.
If he turns out to be a jerk, you may proceed with the tar and feathers
Barry’s last blog post..The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
And so because he asks now he gets access? Hell to the NO! There would have to be some hoops to jump through. He’d have to get some counseling first. Then we’d have to have discussion with our attys and then set up some group counseling.
I wouldn’t just allow him access after an 8 year absense…WTF?
I would be nervouse about his motivations and that “I am ready to be a Daddy” mess wouldn’t hold water for me.
lovebabz’s last blog post..TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME AS A BARRIER
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Lovebabz: Thanks for keeping it real! I hear you.
I’m loving everyone’s advice — from moms and dads — about going slowly and getting a lot of support along the way.
Great article and perspective. I think Jenn says it best. Start slow and move forward cautiously. I used my uterus 3 times with a man that doesn’t care anymore about his children than he does about a bum on the street. However we were together for many years and I know that he’s bitter with me so I still leave the door open for him to communicate with them via their cell phones. Ultimately, the children will find out for themselves what type of men/women they are and decide if having them a part of their lives when they become adults is in fact important to them. I met my father in prison (where he still is today) and realize that my Grandmother keeping me away was the BEST thing for me at that time. Exercise caution!
@TinaFortune Thank you for your personal honesty in responding to this single mom’s dilemma. We’re grateful.
This topic hits close to home. It reminds me of my daughter’s father’s bi-annual crawl out from under his rock.
For the record: I have never changed my number. I have never moved. I have never spoken an ill word about him in or out of her presence. His absence was the result of his own decisions and actions.
On average, he calls maybe 2-3 times every 2 years and then disappears again. At the age of 5 this led her to tears when he said he’d call her back (and she knew in her little heart that he wouldn’t). BROKE my heart but what could I do but hold her tight, wipe her tears, and help her count on her little fingers all of the people who consistently make her smile.
Fast forward. Spring 2009. Daughter is now 10 and another epiphany has led him to pick up the phone after 3 years and declare that he wants to “interact with his daughter”(voice mail). Well, guess what? “His daughter” doesn’t feel the same way. The phone rings, she sees the area code, and walks away. I have spoken to her about it, listened to how she feels, asked her if she understands the possible impact of the decision she is making. She does. The door is closed.
I don’t feel like I should force her to pick up. She has had enough and said so. Am I wrong for respecting her decision? Am I wrong for being proud of her for putting herself first and saying no more to someone who has hurt her repeatedly? A father should set the precedent for how a man should treat his daughter. I am relieved that she sees him for who he is and recognizes this is NOT how she should be treated.
My son is 25 months old and his father has decided he would like to meet him for the first time in a few days. i am very nervous and don’t really think I should say anything to my son except that we are going to the park. He seem to have no idea that other kids have dads as we never see anyone with their dads. We do lots of classes and play dates but dads are always at work. Do you guys think I should say something?
I have a problem along similar lines as this conversation and need some advise fast.
My ex and I divorced back in 1999 and had 2 children. Since the divorce he has been in and out of thier lives. Each time he comes back he states that he’s changed and is ready to be a good father. The girls get used to seeing him and then poof he’s gone for two years with no contact.
We have a custody order that requires all visits be supervised for a number of reasons. I am left to find or be the supervisor as the court only provided one for the first year.
He came back into thier lives on Friday with the announcement that he is being married in a few weeks and wants them to be in his wedding. I can not refuse as he is allowed visits with advance notice. Now he wants to take the girls shopping tommorrow for wedding dresses with thier soon to be new mommy and I have to come along. The girls are 9 and 12.
He has been to jail several times. I know nothing about his future wife but know that her family is pretty messes up.
Did I mention that they will also be meeting thier step-brother for the first time.
This is all happening very fast and I am losing control over how the situation should be handled.
Help!
Ok, I am currently fighting with this one. My ex was never acttive in our daughters life the time we were together. Then when I finally got up the courage to leave, I did. Took my 2 yr old, my dog and my 4 month pregnant belly with me. I had my baby with my wondorful mothers support. My parents are a blessing in thier own. My oldest has a special relationship with my dad, so she is NOT missing out in the “father figure” department. The baby has a special connection with my mother, she was in the delivery room when she was born. My ex was no where around. He was invited to come for the birth, until he pull all sorts of drama to where I was under DRs orders to not tell him I was having to be induced because of it. But its been almost a yr since I left him, he hasnt seen our oldest since then.He hasnt met the baby yet either, she is 6 months now. Instead of coming to see the girls when the baby was born in Feb, he finled for divorce. (another reason why i was under DRs orders to not talk to him while I was in labor….I got divorce papers 3 weeks before my due date….after he said he wouldnt be filing, if we would get divorced it would be on me) But he is yet to see the girls since I left him in Sept 08. Every time he says he is going to come see the girls he cancels. I dont talk about him at all. He rarely calls. He called for our oldest birthday a few weeks ago and she refused to talk to him. I asked her why…she said “I dont like my daddy”. But he says he wants to be a good father, things that sending child support is being a good father, (which he has to send, he is court mandated and he is Army, so he would get in a lot of trouble if he didnt) he thinks paying child support makes hima good father. But he never calls unless its good for him. And he wonders why she doesnt want to talk to him most of the time. Id ont know what else to do.
My older sister has a 4 1/2 year old. Baby daddy left 2 weeks after their child was born, and refused to pay child support for two years. He’s now paying child support, and the issue isn’t so much a legal issue (yet), it’s that he’s only visited once in 4 years, never calls, never responds to emails or phone calls, and occasionally sends a present only when his parents prompt him. He completely dislikes my sister and messes with her over facebook, telling everyone that she was the one who left him and she’s a horrible mother (soooo not true). He has threatened her that he will come back when their child is old enough and convince the kid that his mommy is a horrible person and a liar so that he can get sole custody. My sister is terrified, and doesn’t know how to a) make sure he remains involved instead of just popping up whenever he feels like it; b) how to get along with him enough so that they can agree on occasional visits and phone calls, and c) how to keep him from threatening to take the kid away when he’s “old enough to decide who he wants to live with.”
I’m in a bad spot. I have been an inconsistent dad at best. And I realize the things that ar happening are my fault. But I need help from someone who has been there (on the other side).
I met a girl from Canada. I live in the US. We were at a training thing for work. We knew each other maybe a month and we found out she was pregnant. She had since went back to CA and me to the US. We were together throughout the pregnancy (since we both worked for airlines it was easy to see each other fairly often). We had a little girl shortly after 9/11. Durring the first year things started changing. Things weren’t the same between her and I. We started distancing ourselves, and I met someone else. I married the new girl. Throughout the first 4 years of my CAdaughters life I called…inconsistently. Everytime I called, the ex and i would fight. I also had 2 other daughters in that time with my wife. Now my CA daughter is 8. the last 4 years I have had very little contact with her. The ex was always mad that I didnt’ visit. But she didn’t understand that i couldn’t afford to fly up there all the time since neier of us were no longer working at the airport.
In the last 6 months or so I’ve realized what I have done, what I have thrown away, the time that is lost…things that my daughter and I can never get back because I didn’t make the effort. I told the ex that I wanted one more chance. I wanted to know her evening schedule so that i could call. she said she would love for daughter and i to have a relationship. but she doubted i would call…and she tod me when they would b available. I called. No one answered. I emailed back and she then said I should wait to calluntil after the first of the year because she was getting married and didn’t want to confuse daughter. I respected her wishes and waited. I called a week ago…no answer. I emailed, no response. Same thing next day. The 3rd day the older 14y/o daughter answered. I believe she answered on accident becuase she sounded like she was going to get into trouble for answering my phone call. she said daughter was busy and asked me to call back. I did…no answer. This has been going on for over a week. I’ve sent many emails asking and begging to be able to talk to my daughter…askng and begging ex to tell me what she needs from me…how I can prove to her I am here…to be a dad…consistently…to build a relationship with my daughter…and she hasn’t responded once.
She’s was nothing but nice saying how much shed love for me to call…how great it would be…then things changed once I called.
What would YOU need? How can I show her I’m serious? I would like to NOT get legal involved because I would like for her to be able to make her own decisions in this…as I feel it would be better for all involved. SO, that is my last resort. Any advice would be great.
AND, I know I’ve been a piece of shit, I’m TRYING to change that.