How did you tell your kids you were getting divorced?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
Dr. Leah, aka the Sanity Fairy, has worked hard to turn me into a Mad Men fan– and she might have succeeded!
Did the finale of Mad Men this week – in which Don and Betty told their kids that Dad was moving out– also make you reach for the Kleenex?
Although neither parent used the word “divorce” on the show, the point was clear: Dad would be moving to a new home.
Bobby was clearly confused and sad. And Sally got angry. She blamed her mom for forcing Dad to leave. When Don said, “I’m not going, I’m just living elsewhere,” Sally would not have it.
“You say things and you don’t mean them,” Sally said. “You can’t just do that.” No one else would dare to confront Don Draper so boldly.
Here’s why we’re so interested in chatting about Mad Men with you:
This episode was a “how NOT to” tell your kids this life changing news. Would you agree?
For starters, the parents mistakenly ushered Sally and Bobby into the living room, a very formal space where they kids have rarely spent time – except maybe for Christmas festivities.
Secondly, Dr. Leah says that it’s very important to tell your kids this news separately – not together, as Betty and Don did. Perhaps telling each child separately gives each child a chance to express his/her feelings –and for parents to respond.
Steeped in their own pain, Don and Betty seem unable to understand how both children are devastated by this news. Don and Betty made no attempt to acknowledge their kids’ feelings — or to respond honestly to the realities of Don moving out.
Sadly, that’s typical for many divorcing parents. Don’t you think?
We understand that many of you have faced this parenting challenge in REAL LIFE.
We’re interested to know your REAL LIFE perspective:
How did you break this news to your kids?
If you have more than one kid, did you tell them separately?
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Disclosure: I’m a Mad Men fan and loved the finale.
The “telling the kids” scene felt very real and sad to me. For that time. I appreciate your tips and find them helpful and real for a more modern family.
What about Don moving out while Betty takes off for 6 weeks to Reno? I think that Dad should stay in the house for that duration. What do you think?
RookieMom Heather´s last blog ..Do you color your son’s hair? It’s so red!
Twitter @ YOC8040
I was pregnant for my divorce, but my parents did it the same way they did- all at once in the living room. The only difference is that we all knew it was coming, because my dad had been less than subtle about his philandering.
Cat´s last blog ..Friday Fragments
Mine was another classic example of how not to do it. My ex was so immature that he couldn’t see past his own needs/pain.
It started with a fight as we were going down the road in two separate vehicles. I was in the van with my mom and my daughter. My ex was in my car. I had just gotten back from a two week business trip and my daughter really wanted to see me. So, I was going to ride with her for a bit then switch cars so her father and I could go see a play (Rent). As I was on the cell phone discussing where to pull over, he suddenly got mad about the fact that I chose to ride with our daughter for a few minutes instead of with him. So, he pulled the car over to the side of the road and walked away. This wasn’t the first time he had “stormed out” and disappeared for days. I had told him the last time that if he did it again, that he wasn’t going to be able to come back. He knew that.
I went home trying to explain to my daughter why Daddy didn’t come home with us. Why did he leave the car on the side of the road?
Then he called and I reinforced for him that he had blown his second and third chances. No more. So then he asked to talk to our daughter. I thought he just wanted to reassure her. When she asked when he was coming home, his response was “Mommy won’t let me come home.” I was soooooo angry.
To this day, 9 years later, it still comes back to haunt me. My daughter still blames me for not letting her daddy come back home. Sighhhh…
I honestly can’t remember what was said to my kids. We split up a week before our 9th anniversary and I moved out a month later. I was so upset and in shock that I have almost no memory of those first 6 months. I bought several books about divorce and my mom read them to the kids when I couldn’t do it without falling apart.
They were 3 and we all moved together on a weekend their mom was out of town so that they would feel comfortable with their new “second home”. I let them pick out the sheets for their beds. I do remember that there were a lot of very rough nights and my own mom was an amazing help.
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
My kids were not shocked but actually relieved that the fighting would stop. My oldest (5) was really the only one who had questions and I tried to answer them the best I could without bad mouthing my ex. Divorce is hard on kids but I would like to think that the kids are happier now and they see that. My daughter told me about 6 months after my ex moved out that she was glad that daddy and I aren’t together anymore because we are both happier people now. She is a divorce advicate which has gotten me into trouble a couple times when she tells her friends that they should tell their parents they need to get divorced because it “makes mommies and daddies happy”.
Jolene´s last blog ..Just need to get this off my chest.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
Well, this is timely for me…
We just told our daughter 2 days ago. She is upset. She got up in front of her preschool class the next day and made an announcement. “I just wanted you all to know…my mommy and daddy will break up and not be married anymore.”
We talked to her together, and then spent time separately talking about it too at her prompting. I don’t know if we did it “right”, but we just tried to do it calmly and openly. Afterward, she wanted to spend some time alone and then she asked questions later that night.
She’s had a lot of questions. She was worried we would leave her, her first question was “But who will take care of me…” – she cried. Her behavior has been somewhat unruly the last few days, but it’s intermixed with moments of happiness that I haven’t seen for a long time.
I wish we would have been a little more prepared to tell her, it just felt like the right timing.
StudentMama´s last blog ..The day reality sought punishment
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Student Mama: I hope you realize how incredibly present you were with your daughter.
This sounds challenging — but clearly your daughter knows that she has the space to have her feelings. She seems to really feel safe about expressing herself with you. Bravo.
RookieMom Heather: Women in the Mad Men era who headed to Reno or Las Vegas, Nevada for six weeks to establish residency for a “quickie” divorce were not typically of Betty’s background, education, or stature. Betty wouldn’t dream of leaving her children for that time. And, historically speaking, fathers of that era generally would consider taking care of kids solo for several months out of the question.
Likely, Don will move into a swanky NYC hotel (again) and visit the kids. How the writers will portray their divorce proceedings will make fascinating viewing.
StudentMama: Sounds like you did the very best you could. And, *Hurrah* to your daughter for her forthright announcement at school. I’m so proud of kids when they chose not to keep what’s happening in their lives a destructive secret.
I don’t really remember, either. I remember the night I was done with counseling, and I went to what had become MY room, where our son was sleeping, and the ex chasing me, pounding on the door and screaming at me. I think we told him that dad was moving out, and then a couple of months later, we told him that daddy was moving to NY, but I don’t know if he would have understood the word divorce.
Based on my own experience with this tough situation I ended up writing an ebook to help parents handle this discussion in the best possible way for the children: How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!
What makes this ebook unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age- appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough break-the-news conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators and other professionals around the world have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of my innovative storybook approach. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children — unlike the Drapers.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
A day I’d rather not recall really but I dont think what we said hit my kids quite as hard as what followed. My ex moved out and immediately began living with my ‘best-friend’ (who was also married) and they pretended that was normal and forced the kids to accept it as such. So selfish and dispicible.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Bar Full of Opportunity
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think I’ve blocked out a lot of it, but the Mad Men finale resonates on so many levels, for many of us trying to rebuild our lives. Including coming back from divorce.
My kids were about the same age as in the show, and as I recall, one was angry, the other more frightened and sad. Much as in the scene depicted on tv. There had been considerable distance and separation prior; it wasn’t altogether a surprise, which made it no more heart-breaking, along with the constant efforts (from one) to feel out the possibility of preventing it from happening. That lasted for the long legal process in entirety. And he wasn’t alone in wanting to do anything just to stop it, and make things “seem ok” again, even if they weren’t.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Nifty neighbor, Prez that puckers, Next logical steps
We, too, told our boys, then 9 and 12, at the same time. But first we had gone to a parenting center to ask a professional how best to do that. Then, we brought the boys in with us for a session together — what this will mean, where mom will live and where dad will live, etc. — and then they met privately with the expert.
Despite all that, the younger one, now almost 16, harbors some unresolved feelings toward me (which is interesting as it was his dad’s long-term affair that got the whole end-of-marriage process going!)
It isn’t really how you tell them (although, granted, some people don’t handle it well at all!); the really important work is to consistently support the other parent’s parenting and co-parent the best you can. If you don’t the kids suffer, and I have seen that over and over again
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
Our girls were 6 and 1, so it was our oldest who could grasp what we were saying. She tells me now that she remembers it was a Sunday, after church, “a really good, and you ruined it.” We talked about how we had grown-up problems that we worked really, really hard to fix…but we just couldn’t, and so we couldn’t live together and be married anymore. We talked about what would change, and what would stay the same (our love for her and her sister, our presence in their lives, our commitment to them).
Basically, we used the Mr. Rogers’ “Let’s Talk About It: Divorce” book.
Deesha´s last blog ..“More Fathers are Getting Custody in Divorce”
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
“…a really good DAY, and you ruined it.”
Deesha´s last blog ..“More Fathers are Getting Custody in Divorce”