When a no show parent break promises
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Tips & Advice
Here’s the most recent:
“My ex-husband got all the parenting time he requested — it was part of our divorce agreement and I was all for it. Our kids adore him.”
“But here’s the problem: he’s very irresponsible. More than half of the time, he doesn’t show up when he promised. Then, I’m left with two crying, disappointed kids. When I confront him about this, he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me: ‘Something came up.’ ”
“Please tell me: How can I lessen my kids’ hurt?”
~~~
Here’s what Dr. Leah, aka the Sanity Fairy, suggests:
The best way to handle this situation is to prepare. The next time that he’s scheduled to take the kids somewhere, talk to them beforehand about “Plan B.” This is your alternative plan if their dad does not show up.
Here’s an example of how the script might play out: “Your dad is planning to take you to the movies on Saturday. He told us he would pick you up at 12:30 p.m. What is going to be our plan for the day if he does not arrive?”
If your kids are preschool age, it’s up to you to have a “Plan B” if the other parent is a no show.
To minimize disappointment, the “Plan B” should be fun. Avoid offering alternatives like vacuuming the car, an all afternoon errand run, or getting a head start on homework. Suggest, for example, that you do a few errands and then see the movie later in the afternoon. If your finances are tight, decide together on a fun and low-cost activity like flying kids or visiting your local museum.
Lastly, do not let “the other parent” have control of the day and everyone’s feelings. It’s up to you to take charge if past experience has taught you that he may suddenly — and for no reason — decide not to show up.
We’d love to know:
Have you had challenges with a no show parent?
What strategies have helped your kids cope with the inevitable disappointment?
~~~
Thanks to Ms. Single Mama for bringing this issue up via Twitter this week via @mssinglemama: “Made the mistake of telling him Dad was coming but only this morning after he said he would be here.”
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Plan B is absolutely the way to go, and it’s a great idea to discuss it with the kids first, so they still have something to look forward to when the other parent doesn’t show up, and so it’s not such a crushing blow.
It’s also important not to dwell on it. Quickly explain that he/she isn’t going to make it, so on to plan b; and DO NOT bash the other parent or even attempt to explain it to the kids. LET THE OTHER PARENT BEAR THAT RESPONSIBILITY. As the kids get older, they will see the other parent for what he/she is, on their own. And the kids will probably love and appreciate you for being the constant, dependable one.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I love the Plan B concept! The goal is to protect your kids…not shame the other parent NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU WANT TO!
Lovebabz´s last blog ..GOODBYE BLOGGING…FOR AWHILE…A GOOD LONG WHILE
I have run into the breaking promises part, not so much the no show though. My ex normally shows for her scheduled time, however she promises our 2 boys many planned activities that she just never does with them. They tell me that on such and such a day mommy is taking us to but when I get the kids back and ask them how it went, they tell me they couldn’t go. This is a weekly occurance and I find myself taking them to the activities that they were so excited about. Problem is I end up either not doing all the activites I want to do with them.. or drastically reducing the time allowed to do the activities I want to do. No idea how to get around this.. I just keep pushing along and try to do right by my boys.
It’s not just dads that don’t show up for their kids. I’m fortunate that my kids’ mom doesn’t stand us up but she does change plans at the last minute sometimes. While I might be very frustrated I try to make it seem like it’s not a big deal for the kids’ sake. The last thing I want is for them to have the impression that somehow I’m upset I have to spend the day with them (even if I had something else in mind and was looking forward to a break). They are becoming more flexible about expectations but they also know that when I say I’ll do something I follow through. I like having a plan B. Plans change and being in Southern California that’s pretty much just how life goes. I’m just hoping my kids grow up to follow my example of consistency. I did.
Steve´s last blog ..Review: Top 10 Tips for Awesome Tailgate Parties
Excellent advice! And, while my son’s father always showed up, there were times when it was way late. So, Plan B went into effect then, too. Your response challenges co-parents to seek empowering solutions to difficult situations like this rather than staying stuck feeling like a victim.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Although we have a parenting time schedule, L.O.’s father has never followed it. He prefers to visit when and if it’s convenient for him so basically he calls or emails the week of and asks to see her. I try to accomodate his requests since they are so infrequent (3 times this year)but I never tell L.O. ahead of time that he is visiting in case something ‘comes up’ and he cancels. This has worked so far but she’s only 4 and he has yet to (if he ever will) take her for an extended period of time.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Unfortunately this has happened to me and I get tears from my daughter too. There was a time when this starts happening frequently. I agree there should be a plan B, but I DON’T agree you tell your kids plan B. Sad to say, but this is just as much a problem for custodial dads as it is moms. Let me explain further.
1) I always have a Plan B, but I DON’T tell my daughter ahead of time.
2) When this becomes a problem, I immediate start changing the language of what I tell my daughter. “I talked with your mom, PERHAPS she will pick you up this weekend at 6p on Friday.” If my Ex every changes anything on pickup or delivery I ALWAYS tell my daughter “She MIGHT, MAYBE she will,” etc.
3) When my Ex makes promises of any kind to my daughter. “I’ll take you to the movies, I’ll show up for lunch on Tuesday.” I always clarify, “HOPEFULLY she will do that, let’s wait and see and not get our hopes up. Wait 5 mins, then buy your lunch anyway.” I manage my daughter’s expectation well, she get disappointed frequently.
4) At 30 minutes late, I call or text my Ex to see what’s up. I CALL, not my daughter.
5) At 45 minutes late, I then tell my daughter Plan B, which is usually what I have planned for the evening or the rest of the family anyway. We lead busy and exciting lives, I don’t have to make this up as it is the next item on the agenda. We change back into MY clothes and execute Plan B.
6) At this point, I intercept all calls from my Ex, “Maybe I’ll pick her up at 9p, etc.” I agree to this but don’t tell my daughter in case she cancels or no shows again. If she shows up later it’s a surprise, etc.
I don’t tell my daughter Plan B. Why? I don’t want to upstage her mother’s time if my plans are better (which they usually are). I don’t ever want my daughter to choose, otherwise she’ll never want to visit her mother. A good co-parenting is always fostering a relationship with both–especially when the other side doesn’t have their act together.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..The Power of an Apology
I will definitely use the plan b method if my ex ever does come to see the girls. I have not told the girls that he was coming to visit when he says he is…I figure if he shows he shows. I don’t need to disappoint them right now. He has yet to see them once in a yrs time. So I wont get their hopes up before he actually follows through on a visitation. When he follows through on a few then I will give the kids a heads up…until then I will work with our schedule and make sure its flexible just in case he does really show up.
I realized I needed to start addressing this about 6 months after I split with my ex (she was 5).
I was picking my daughter up from after school on a Thursday and telling her we needed to go home to pack so she could go to her dad’s for the weekend. I told her that her dad would pick her up from afterschool care the next day and then go to the house to get her suitcase. She started bawling…not crying, but the heart-wrenching gulping tears. I was so shocked that I pulled the car over. I asked her what was wrong. Turns out that she was worried that her dad wouldn’t pick her up and that the after school program would just kick her out into the street when it was time to close. She was imagining herself standing on the road not knowing how to get home. I explained that I always call and confirm that he had picked her up and if she was worried she could call me on my cell phone. If he didn’t show up, then I would pick her up and we would have a great weekend at home. She calmed down and since then, we have always had a plan B where I explained Plan B, Plan C, and Plan D to her. I always have contingency plans for contingency plans and I realized she ~needed~ to know them, too.
This translates into everyday stuff like when we go out running errands – I’ll tell her we are going to Target, the Mall, and then the grocery store. If I find everything I need at Target or spend too much money there, then we won’t go to the mall. On the other hand, if I tell her that we are going to those places and then skip one without that caveat, she has/had a meltdown because we weren’t following the plan.
Chai_girl: Another example of how kids thrive with structure. Thank you for so generously sharing what’s obviously working successfully with your daughter. I got emotional when you talked about her fears of being abandoned when the after school program dismissed.
FullCustodyDad: As always, your insights and experiences clarify things for many of us. Thank you! I honestly never considered possibly upstaging the potential no show parent with more a more engaging Plan B. It’s a perspective I did not consider.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
My son is 2 and I just don’t tell him if Daddy is coming. I have also established very clear rules. If he is more than 15 minutes late, we won’t be there. We leave immediately for Plan B. The mitigates some of my anger, sadness and tension, so that both my son and I can enjoy Plan B. When kids get older and you can’t control what “daddy” says to them, I do think that its important to talk to your kids about what they are feeling, establishing realistic expectations of what the other parent will do. If 1/2 the time daddy doesn’t show up, point to that and say that daddy has a track record and so we need to adjust our expectations. I don’t think you need to bad mouth them, just point to the facts and help your child learn tools to help mitigate disappointment. It might also be good to help them figure out how to express these feelings both for therapeutic measure and to be able to assert themselves against consistent emotional abuse/negligence. For all you responsible single dads, intesert the world mommy wherever I have referred to dadd…
Samantha´s last blog ..Ask and you shall receive…
The ex only picks up the boy for a week at a time, basically 4 times a year. The last time he came to pick the boy up, the boy had developed an abscessed tooth (on the weekend, of course). The ex could have waited until after we saw the dentist to take him with, but he just left without him. The boy was distraught, so I took him to Cedar Point that week to take his mind off not being where he had planned to be all summer. It worked fabulously, of course.
The ex also is prone to making and breaking promises all the time. Before he took off this time, he promised he would be back in September to take him to the indoor water park for the weekend, and also come out for Halloween with his GF and her 3 kids (MY weekend, BTW). I said, “DON’T make promises unless you are SURE to follow through”. It was a mama bear moment, and I think he actually got the message through his thick scull, because I think I actually growled the words.
We’re used to back up plans because of my son’s autism. However, the boy is still getting used to not being number 1 in his dad’s life.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I agree with the concept of Plan B and have used it in the past. HOWEVER, there comes a point in time when it’s no longer acceptable and a change has to be made.
If your ex is not showing up, not living up to their end of the agreement time and time again, it just becomes way too disruptive and way more than just inconvenient.
If you have tried time and time again, and the X has refused to do their part, then after so many times, I think it’s absolutely our right to stand up and say ENOUGH. Tell the X that if they do not show one more time, then you will no longer make the kids available unless and until ____.
I made my ____ that another responsible person in his family had to be willing to take responsibility for the kids.
The way my agreement is written, I have sole custody and he only has visitation under certain conditions (which have never been met), so any time I allow him to see the kids, it’s above and beyond any legal obligation of mine.
Having said that, if you’re worried that the court will get down on you for not making the children available, let him/her take you to court. Have the documentation ready of all of the times that X has missed visitation, the effect it’s had on the kid(s), and then by all means, let the judge decide.
April´s last blog ..totally f**ed
My ex isn’t generally the type to no show on our son. She does however constantly flip flop on most plans. Timing is normally the problem. She will arrive at pickups five hours late. Occasionally she will show up hours early. Its always due to some catastrophic event in her life, with long drawn out explonations, most of which you could drive a truck through the holes. I’ve learned and accepted this as a part of her personality. Even realizing it was a contributing factor to us splitting up. The most successful strategy I have found is control. Instead of me sitting around, not getting phone calls letting me know her ETA, I take the responsibility. We try to share the traveling for pickups/drop offs, but on days that I need to have the time accurate, say to go to work on time (which she has made me late for before) I make sure I’m the one doing the droping off. Taking control and being proactive is the only way to establish the type of reliability and structure needed for these types of situations when we are dealing with irresponsible people. I like the idea of the plan B and would hate to be in that situation and see my son go through that. The unfortunate truth is we probably can’t do too much to change that type of behavior and need to adapt and try to protect our kids. The types of “guys” who treat thier kids this way make me embarassed of my gender. They are the reason so many of us single dads have to fight daily against the “deadbeat” stereotype. I’ll stop before I go off on too much of a rant, but not all guys are like that.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@UnDeadBeatDad, @Steve, and @FullCustodyDad:
Thanks for letting us us that there ARE dads out there who do show up.
We know that you bring so much to this dialogue. Thank you.
Rachel, your comment almost made me laugh. In my case most of the time I don’t even have to show up…I’m already there.
Not sure why my last comment came up as Steve but that’s fine. Too many different log ins these days.
i was so happy for a day!!! thinking that my daughter was finally gonna be a daddy’s girl!!! you see he did 5 years in prison and she is about to turn 7 now!! so she never really spend any time with him! when she was born he left me and left her with no dad. so after all those years and us 4 ever fighting we finally were talking again and were doing mom and dad things!!! but for what!! he comes out doesnt even call her and 2 days later his mom tells me oh! hes out. so i was so glad happy for my baby then everything that i or we tried to fix whent to hell. he saw her for a couple of hours then that was it he hasent even called her! he has done a number on me and has hurt my baby in the worse way possible!! now its truely over i dont even want to hear anything i’m done completlyyyyy done!!
Madie: Our hearts go out to you and your daughter. We’re so sorry this is happening to you and your sweet daughter. Please stay in touch with us.