My mom judges me
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Dating, Featured, Single Moms
We wonder if this sounds familiar to any of you:
This woman became a single mom three years ago, after she caught her husband having an affair. Today, she has a son who’s thriving in kindergarten and a full-time job as a medical assistant. And she has started dating again.
“But my mom says that I’m being selfish,” she tells us. “My mom tells me that I shouldn’t date until my son has gone off to college. Is she crazy, or what?”
“I pay all my bills and I try my best to be a great mom to my son,” she adds. “I think I deserve to have a special person in my life.”
Her mother, however, calls daily to “check in.” She drops by most weekends, too.
“It makes me mad that my mother does this. I don’t know if she’s jealous or lonely. She never dated again after she and my own dad got divorced. Maybe she just needs some attention.”
“But sometimes, I worry that there’s some truth in what she says. Am I really doing something wrong?”
My mother’s words really sting.
I wonder: Am I being selfish for trying to “get a life” before my kindergartener leaves for college. Should I just concentrate on parenting?
Here’s what this single mom needs to know:
How can you tell if your “private” activities do interfere with your parenting responsibilities?
Have other single parents endured such criticism from their moms?
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Maybe she should ask her mom if she is happy. And then just let her talk. I’m betting not.
If her mom never dated after her own divorce maybre SHE felt guilty and judged and that’s why she didn’t. Does she regret that now that she’s alone?
Misery does love company. But there’s nothing worng with having a life – even one your mother doesn’t approve of.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Bar Full of Opportunity
“If momma ain’t happy nobody’s happy”. This is true for you and your own mother. She’s clearly over stepping her boundaries for whatever reason and at some point you need to address it with her in the least confrontational way possible. This will only get worse and you do need one another very much.
You need to create some respectable distance. If she comes over every weekend, try going to the park or the grocery store and “gee mom sorry we’re going to be busy” a few times might give you the space you need. You are allowing this by changing it.
You should date. It’s challenging, sometimes you have to get creative, your time is shared now. It’s not impossible. Any therapist will tell you to get out there and do it! If your mother told you that you shouldn’t eat ice cream until your son is grown would you listen to her? Since it creates an issue with her keep that piece of your life to yourself. You are a grown up now. Feel the waters on your own. My parents haven’t met a guy in 10 years….maybe they never will….but that part of my life is just for me and I love it.
Once you meet the guy that makes you light up again and he treats you and your son like you deserve I’m sure she’ll be over the moon for you.
Maybe she needs some encouragement as well? A hobby perhaps that will fill some of her free time. You could start a class or activity with her and “bow out” gracefully after she seems happy to go on her own. That would be tough with your son around I imagine though.
Good Luck! Just remember how much she obviously LOVES you and your son and keep your sense of humor.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I’ve been struggling with judgement and difficulties with my parents, though not about dating, but about me and my life and my parenting in general. The need to control your decisions, the need to direct your life signifies that she has no life without being in yours, the typical “co-dependant.”
Its important to draw clear boundaries, and to make best decision for you and your little one. As long as you are dating in a safe and healthy way, that promotes positive relationships for your child, go for it. And tell you mom that she will be asked to leave is she can’t respect your choices and decisions.
There is a saying that goes something like this, ” Say it once, its goodwill and advice, say it twice, its a bit annoying, say it three times and you are controlling.”
Samantha´s last blog ..Alcoholism- PSA
I go through the same things with my mother, not so much about dating but more about her throwing her opininons at me about how I should live my life and raise my son after my separation. My situation is especially difficult since I currently LIVE WITH HER.
I know she loves me and my son dearly and just wants what she thinks is best for us. I also know she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes that she feels she made. I take in what she says, but ultimately I make my own decisions and have to come up with what works best for me.
I also used to share every detail of my life with her but have found that at this time in my life, some things are better kept private.
If you feel you are ready to date, go for it! You deserve to be happy and if your idea of happiness includes sharing your life with another person then you have every right to search for that, guilt free!
Good Luck!
Thanks, Melysa, for joining the conversation.
This is a tough topic for me. I sympathize with this single mom’s mother because I can relate to the anxieties she feels, especially since she was also divorced. Without causing all of you to roll your eyes collectively . . .things were radically different “back then” when this single mom’s mother got divorced. It was challenging (and scary) to try to be a responsible parent and have a dating life when there were no cell phones. Every time you left the house there was this worry about the kids . . .especially at night. Sometimes it was simply easier (and more prudent) just to stay home.
Divorce also carried a much greater stigma than it thankfully does today. Perhaps, a bit of appreciation for her mother’s experiences might help.
When your own kids are little it is so very difficult to appreciate that you always feel like a mother –protective, concerned, and desperately wanting to keep your kids safe, and see them happy. It really does not matter how old your kids get. And, when your kids have been hurt in a divorce/break-up, those feelings tend to intensify.
Do you think this mother might back-off a bit if this single mom set aside some “mother/daughter time” devoted to listening respectively to her mother’s experiences and perspectives?
Twitter @ desiree_allen
I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Leah, although I might not have until very recently.
What I’ve been trying to work on myself is learning “when” to speak to my mother about issues and “how”. For me, it’s a constant work in progress… and Dr. Leah’s right… you worry about your kids, even when they’re grown.
After a recent heartbreak, I don’t see myself being formally tied to any man for a very long time, but that doesn’t mean I can’t go out and enjoy myself!
Desiree´s last blog ..And so we begin
My mom and I were talking this morning about a parenting issue and she said the line I dread “Well if I were you….” She says this so often me and my daughter roll our eyes and giggle. I have often fired back with “WELL YOU ARE NOT ME”. She’s doing it out of love and concern. I know this because we have discussed it many many times. It’s a bad habit of hers and it’s NOT going to change…I’ve accepted it. I will probably find myself saying it and cringing in a few years. I agree you have to sit her down and try to understand where it’s coming from though. I did ask my mom once with my eyes full of tears at 1am with a sick angry child on my lap “Mom am I totally screwing this up?” She laughed and cried and said “Honey you are a better mother than I was when you were this age…and I’m so proud of you” When I hear “If I were you” I keep that statement in the back of my head and just roll my eyes.
Desiree:Thanks for joining our conversation. I think you even worry more as your kids get older. Things no longer get resolved with a kiss and a hug. I cannot cross a street with my “grown-up” babies without instinctively reaching for their hands.
Amy Anderson: My mother also used to say . . .”Well . . . if I were you”. It was code for “I’m worried about what’s happening.” Even thought I knew the “real” meaning, it definitely grated on my nerves. I bet you are a terrific mom!
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
Hi –
Your mother probably has the best of intentions…but I also think that it’s important for all of us as single moms to show our kids that it is important to take care of yourself (within reason of course). By only focusing on your child 200% of the time, you run the risk of teaching your child that he/she is the center of the universe or, he/she should always give and never receive. I struggled with this too – but then got to thinking that if my daughter was a single mom, and she really wanted a relationship in her life, I’d want that for her too. I want to show her it’s ok to go after things that make you happy.
I think you should set boundaries in regards to when your mom visits as some others commentators have said. And you can tell your mom what time you’ve set aside for just “Mommy/child time” (and she shouldn’t stop by during those times either!). Perhaps telling her you’d really like to see if you can find a good adult partner in your life and it’s important to you would help? If not, I would agree to disagree.
Good for you for getting out there!
- Swati Bharteey
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..5 Secrets for Balancing Work and Single Motherhood (Number 4)
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Whether your mom realizes it or not, some part of her may regret that she didn’t do what you are doing now. Moving on, according to your timetable, and successfully.
If anything – perhaps you can position things that you want your child to see you happy, in a healthy relationship, and that you’re happy to have her around to help as you raise her child.
A mom in your 20s… it would be crazy to hole up for 10 or 12 more years. And impossible.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Are you happy?
Twitter @ beresourceful
I had my daughter a few days after my 18th birthday so I lived with my mom for a while. Living with my mom meant I didn’t bring guys around and since she was so protective of my daughter, she didn’t mind babysitting while I lived a little. I worked and paid bills, as well, I just did it all under my mom’s roof.
Although my daughter’s father was in her life, I noticed that she would cling to any guy I brought around. Most kids cling to those that show them attention and, in the “How to Get a Honey” handbook for guys, there’s a section entitled “To get to her heart ya gotta get in good with the kid” – smile. Anyway, I decided very early that she wouldn’t meet anyone until I was SURE he would be around.
There has to be a balance because, aside from being a mom, you are a woman. I set up my own rules while dating, men didn’t visit, pick me up or spend the night at my house. Most men had no issues with this but some did and that was OK, I just didn’t date them. As single moms we sometime feel like we are lucky to find ANY man so heavens forbid if we put boundaries on him – this is simply not so.
As my daughter got older, I’d go on brief dates while she was at cheer leading practice, at the mall with her friends or while she was at slumber parties. I fit dating in but I didn’t center my life around it.
Sabrina: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. Thanks for sharing your experiences on this sensitive subject.
Having been the child in this situation…here is what I have to say. Most of you won’t agree with me as it you are thinking about yourselves and your loneliness. NO, you should not date/move in with someone when you already have a child. It doesn’t matter that he likes your kid or says he likes your kid. Concentrate on being a parent first and foremost. YOUR CHILD IS YOUR PRIORITY ALWAYS and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, SHOULD COME BEFORE HIM, NOT EVEN YOU AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT A MAN. The child didn’t ask to be brought into this world, you decided that…so don’t put him on the side just so you can go on and “find your happiness”. No child deserves to be in that position…seeing mom with another man. My mother chose men over me all the time, and in the end I lost respect for her. I am now about to be 30 and I do not call her “mom”, in fact I have severed all ties with her completely.
Just something to think about.
Cindy: Thanks for so generously sharing your thoughts and feelings. Please visit us again soon.