Are sight unseen romances for real?

Comments

1. Bettie S says:

   January 12, 2010 at 5:16 pm

   Twitter @ bsaccardo
   Online dating is a minefield. I have been asked for money, pictures, etc… the worst was a guy whom I developed a “relationship” with and when it came time to meet him found out about his “wife”. Then he blamed me for not trusting him. The bottom line is, if they want to meet you, they should pay for their way. Never, ever send money or airline tickets to anyone you have not met and take it from me, do background checks. They cost a little bit but they are worth every dime of information you get from them. Not everyone is a liar or thief. I have met a couple of really nice men who have become good friends but they are the exception to what I have met online. And remember the old saying “If it too good to be true, it is”.
2. Beth says:

   January 12, 2010 at 5:26 pm

   Twitter @ http://www.preexistingconditions.wordpress.com
   Online dating is ideal for single parents. The circumstance screen is built right in; you’re spared watching people who hit on you without knowing try to extricate themselves as quickly as possible. So I really would encourage this dad to keep it up!

   That said … he didn’t specify in what realm they’d been “chatting.” Was it exclusively via IM, or also on the phone? After some weird exchanges, I made it a rule never to agree to meet someone who only “exists” online. If someone’s available to date, they should be available to talk (on the phone), meet, etc. … a reluctance to take it off the interweb is a big red flag!
   Beth´s last blog ..Backbeat
3. Travis says:

   January 12, 2010 at 6:02 pm

   Twitter @ CulminatingLife
   Can you relate to this single dad’s unfortunate experience?

   Not yet… but after buying the tickets it’s still good to go.

   How can you know that an online flirtation might have promise as real romance?

   A lot has to do with what your communicating about. Is it all hot and heavy all the time? or do you have real discussions about the past,present,future.

   (Side note, it didn’t start out as a flirtation for me. It started at just as a way to talk about the stress of being parents)

   It didn’t even get flirtatious until over a month into it, and we realized that we had a lot in common.

   Do you have some advice for this single dad do so that he doesn’t repeat his mistake?

   Start talking about previous relationships. His problem would of been answered if he would of just delved into some touchier subjects like if he would of asked about previous relationships (once the discussion got comfortable enough)

   You can pick up on so much in what people are writing, and not writing. You just have to pay attention and ask lots of questions (do it a good way, as if it was a casual conversation and wanting to know more about them) By treating it casual you will quickly catch any red flags.
   Travis´s last blog ..A Rose By Any Other Name
4. Dr. Leah says:

   January 13, 2010 at 4:55 am

   Welcome, Betty S. Lots of sound advice …thank you for joining the conversation.
5. Lance says:

   January 13, 2010 at 7:15 am

   Twitter @ honeyandlance
   Why didn’t he fly her out? That could have been an awesome passion-filled weekend, no strings attached. She probably wanted an alternative sexual experience and he fit the bill. I have a guy friend going through a divorce who did this exact thing last year…the gal had a boyfriend, they flew to meet in a neutral city, cue romantic interlude. He said it was the best sex of his life.
6. Rachel Sarah says:

   January 13, 2010 at 2:36 pm

   Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
   @Lance: We always appreciate your positive angle on romance-gone-sour. Thanks for this um, unique, take on his dilemma!
7. Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad says:

   January 13, 2010 at 2:59 pm

   Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
   I have no great advice here other than don’t give up and ask A LOT more questions in the future.

   If I read these questions correctly, he is stuck with a ticket that is non-refundable and not in his name–BUT he IS the purchaser of the ticket. If the flight has not already passed, call the airlines direct, zero out to a real person and tell this story–yes tell the truth! While they will not give you your money back, sometimes they will give you a credit voucher for the full amount–good for one year. Next time you fly you can use that voucher.

   If they don’t politely thank them, wait a day, pick a different time and call again. Reservationists are real people with power to fix real problems. You must tell the truth, verify your credit card and plead for mercy. I have had MANY a non-refundable ticket changed, refunded, and vouchered for stranger reasons than this.

   Final note: They may want to charge a fee for this. Ask them nicely not too, but if so, a little credit is better than money lost.

   Chin up, this will make a great laughable story later in life, although you probably don’t think so now.
   Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Your Kids Need Their Own Room at Your Place Tip #7
8. alley says:

   January 13, 2010 at 9:44 pm

   Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
   I would definitely not pay their way out. Even if its a “no strings attached weekend of steamy sex” thats an awful lot of money to drop to get laid.

   I have attempter to do online dating as a single mom, and I haven’t had a positive experience at all. I get asked for pictures that “show my body” a lot. I get told that my kids are too little, and I had one guy tell me that I was sure to be easy to get into bed because I had kids already. If others have had more success with online dating, great for them, but sometimes local people who you can get to know in their “natural environment” are better.

   My bottom line for this case, politely inform the woman that you aren’t looking to finance her casual sex behind her BF’s back, and ask for the price of the ticket back.
   alley´s last blog ..Single mom versus married mom
9. Rachel Sarah says:

   January 14, 2010 at 10:36 am

   Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
   Great advice @alley! Thank you for this: “Politely inform the woman that you aren’t looking to finance her casual sex behind her BF’s back, and ask for the price of the ticket back.”
10. BigLittleWolf says:

    January 14, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
    While I agree that online dating is a minefield, sometimes, you hit it off with someone who lives in another city – or country for that matter. One of the advantages to that kind of distance is that you are forced to really get to know each other – ideally – through a combination of (old-fashioned) letter writing, email, phone calling, video conferencing. And you do that long before you venture a plane ticket.

    I have experienced this – and I wouldn’t trade the quality and romance of that relationship for anything. Ultimately, it was not distance that quiesced the relationship, but other aspects of life – which could’ve occurred had he been the boy next door.

    As with anything – best to use the online world as a tool, and then take the time and proceed with the due diligence that used to be part of the territory in the relationship world. Would that we weren’t expecting the quick-fix and speedy commitment that seems to have become the norm in the past decade.
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..e-Commerce Safety: Teach teens too!
11. chai_girl says:

    January 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    I’ve done this before. My first post-divorce romance was an online relationship. We talked on the phone and chatted via IM all the time. We had phone sex and sent each other gift packages of silly things. He sent me a box with his favorite candy bar, a t-shirt that he’d slept in. However, being on either side of the continent took it’s toll and we eventually broke up. He flew down to see me at the end. He said he didn’t want to let the relationship go without having seen me at at least once in person. It was a great weekend and the chemistry was there. The reality was that we both had lives we couldn’t leave. We are still friends.

    What that relationship did was give me the time and space to heal and start to feel good about myself again. He made me feel like I was someone worthy of being in a relationship with.

    I also recently went halfsies on a plane ticket to fly another long-distance guy here to visit. We split the air fare because I felt that was fair. It was cheaper than both of us buying plane tickets to a middle point. It was a good weekend and I’ll see him again soon, I hope. Again, I know there isn’t any permanent relationship possibilities, but it is fun and he makes me feel good. Neither of us are fooling ourselves about it or making promises we can’t keep.
12. MominApt10b says:

    January 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Twitter @ mominapt10b
    Off and on over the years I’ve tried them all. It was fun at first. Meeting new people in very public places.. Going dutch. Every weekend it’s somebody new! I think the tendency after a while is that you get jaded.. Not feeling like you can trust the person before you get done emailing or talking to each other on the phone the first couple of days… or weeks… or months. It’s just plain nuts! I’m tempted every time I see a commercial on tv. But I could never waste my time with that again!
    MominApt10b´s last blog ..Close the Door
13. Swati Bharteey says:

    January 15, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Twitter @ swatibharteey
    You know, I am an optimist (and I hope that’s not annoying), but, seriously, it could have been worse. She could have flown over and then told him. Or had a divine weekend with him, flown back, and then mentioned it…or not have said a thing for another 6 months.

    I think I would take this as a lesson learned – to more clearly say,”I’m assuming we are both dating other people right now” or,”I’m not seeing anyone else, are you?” Kepp the conversation going, lots of check ins (maybe monthly?).

    I am a divorced single mom and the one thing I had to get used to was stating all of this stuff that I thought was assumed.

    Keep dating!
    Swati
    Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Parents, 4 Steps to Easier Mornings with Your Child
14. Holly says:

    January 26, 2010 at 2:14 am

    hey i recently met a man online using a dating site…. january 4th we started talking…. he lives 4 hrs away from me but has come up here the past 2 weekends in a row…. yes i know it is only 21 days after we started talking but so far things are going good…. some online relationships can work in person and some cannot…. i have been there b4 where i felt connected to someone only to find out theywere not who i thought they were once i met them in person….

    atleast i know with this guy that he is what he told me he was…. and my son seems to like him and so do my friends and my mom lol
15. Dr. Leah says:

    January 26, 2010 at 5:50 am

    Welcome, Holly. Fingers crossed that this relationship does work out for you …you just never know.
16. Erin says:

    February 6, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    I cannot relate exactly to this single dad’s experience, though before I was a single parent I did sleep with someone I met online who later told me he had a wife, so that pretty much taught me all I needed to learn. My first dating experiences after becoming a single parent were several connections made via online dating (one after the other over 2 years, not simultaneous), and since then (6 years ago) I have had no luck “clicking” with anyone online, so I gave up. My situation now is that I have not been on a date for 4 years, and the more time passes, I have less and less confidence I could be in a relationship again. I am 99% certain I don’t want to marry again, but I am 99% I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without adult companionship. My life is split between the me before my child’s cancer & 2 years of treatment, and the me afterward. I now volunteer for 3 cancer organizations and find great satisfaction using an extremely difficult experience to help others. I just don’t know how to be “care-free” anymore. I am working toward a master’s program to improve my lot in life, but the energy required to work a night shift to support myself and my child leaves me desparing of hope to put myself out there again as far as dating. How do single parents (after a traumatic experience or not) ever find time/energy/vision to dream of an alternate future with a partner? I have experienced only relationships where I am primarily the “giver” and yet I have not too much to give at the moment. Does that mean I should continue to adapt to being content to be alone? Just thinking aloud. If anyone cares to comment, I appreciate it.
17. Amy Oliver says:

    March 8, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Twitter @ amyoliver85
    Advance apologies…this is a terribly long answer. But seeing as none of you know me yet (found you this morning), I guess now’s a good time to get it all out of my system!

    Can I relate? Yeah…I absolutely can relate to what this single dad is going through right now. I haven’t ever met someone online who was so far away, but I’ve definitely met more than one man who was hiding something.. One man in particular ended up having 3 different aliases, a wife, two homes, 3 other girlfriends and two kids by said girlfriends. But that’s a saga for another time.

    Unfortunately, I don’t believe you can ever know for certain with online relationships. And the reason is because the human experience is very much based in touch and presence. Just because I fall madly in love with a man’s personality online or his laugh on the phone does not mean that I am going to fit right into his arms the way that I should or that his touch will raise the goosebumps on my spine like I need or that just him being there will make me feel safe.

    FRIENDSHIPS are based in like mind and like emotion. But ROMANCE is based in passion, touch, real presence (and the friendship is what makes it stronger). When your best friend touches you, do you get goosebumps or is it when your lover touches you or even just looks at you? There is a man I met online in February who is in the Air Force, stationed overseas and he will be transferred to the base near where I live in late April. We’ve built a very strong friendship so far…and we’ve both admitted to pangs of loneliness for each other…but for presence–he wants to know what it would be like to touch my hair, to hold my hand, to wrap his arms around me. And how will he ever know for certain if he truly cares for me and needs me in a romantic way, if he doesn’t get that? To me, the desire alone tells me that maybe it has a shot, but it all comes down to whether or not the touch meets the expectation.

    Advice on how to avoid this in the future? Sure.

    1) I don’t think it’s wrong to do a little internet snooping when you’re getting to know someone online, in fact, I’d say it should be required. $10 bucks can tell you plenty about an email address–what social networks, where there are photos on the web, etc. Background checks are extremely important. Of course, if you’re willing to play around with FaceBook and other social networks, you can find out a lot about people that way as well, but I would still recommend a background check once things start getting more serious.

    2) There’s nothing wrong with asking the tough questions or being seemingly “demanding” and that goes for women as well as for men. If you’ve been talking every single day for an hour or more or you’re to a point where you want to meet, you deserve to know where they are emotionally. Forgive me for putting this in CAPS but it needs to be: IF YOU DON’T ASK THE QUESTION, YOU LOSE YOUR RIGHT TO BE DISAPPOINTED BY THE ANSWER. That doesn’t mean you won’t be disappointed, but the fact is that if you aren’t asking questions, then maybe you’re not interested in the answer. And then you have to ask yourself, “How serious am I really about this person?”

    3) Avoid the long distance get-to-know you routine where possible. Look, there are plenty of eligible single people where you live whom you can meet online. And while that does not take away the possibility of a significant other in the shadows, it certainly helps you find out a lot quicker and with less expense. I met a man online (said he lives about 4 miles away). Things started to get serious and we talked about meeting, made plans for a Saturday morning breakfast…and then that Friday night before, I ran into him, his wife, and their daughter at the movies. (as a side note: The look on his face was better than the movie.)

    4) Don’t attempt to control your emotions. People tell me to keep a level head all the time. If you’re a hopeless romantic, do you know what happens when you try to control it all the time? a) you go nuts, b) you get jealous and suspicious, c) you get annoying.

    5) Avoid getting too involved. Don’t talk to them EVERY DAY. I am currently making this mistake. And I know it’s a mistake, so I can tell you it’s a mistake. Keep having a life. Make them a part of your life, but a part. Not all. That way, even if you are a hopeless romantic, you can at least keep some control of the situation.
18. Canadian Bald Guy says:

    March 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
    It’s funny…one of Sunshine’s friends just found out that her eight-month relationship with a guy from Israel turned out to be a complete lie. His pictures weren’t real, his job (possibly) not real, his background, his reason(s) for not flying out to visit her in Canada. It was absolutely crazy.

    The worst part? Everybody saw it but her.

    The problem with a strictly online relationship is that it’s extremely easy to fall for somebody. Not only that, but it’s also easy to lose yourself in that relationship because the “reality” of the online relationship is better than the reality of your life.

    So while the feelings and the conversations may absolutely be real, it’s rare that anything else is (at least in my experience).
    Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..A Pauper In Paradise

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