Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Contests, Relationships
When Lori Gottlieb’s Atlantic Monthly article “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” first came out two years ago, it made me mad.
I’ve since lost track of how many friends forwarded that essay to me. Maybe they were suggesting that I was too picky, too?
Back in 2008, I shook my head as I read Lori’s advice: “Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.”
Ha. How many times had I settled already? I admire Lori greatly as a writer and a mother – she became a single mom by choice at age 38 – but I waved off her advice to settle.
In the meantime, Dutton gave Lori a sweet book deal to write MARRY HIM: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (February 4, 2010). (MARRY HIM has also been optioned for Warner Bros., with Six Feet Under’s Jill Soloway writing the screenplay.)
This time around, however, Lori way of thinking has rubbed off on me. Here’s why:
“A guy is a package deal, as are you,” says Lori. “Many women throw out the guy because they don’t like a part of the package, even though it’s a pretty appealing package.”
“We’re all flawed human beings. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s reality. The more we accept this, the more choices we’ll have and the happier we’ll be.”
While writing the book, Lori used herself as a guinea pig, consulting matchmakers, dating coaches, and even ex-boyfriends. She interviewed marriage counselors, psychiatrists, divorce attorneys, marital researchers — and even an arranged marriage expert.
You’ll need to read the book to hear what she says about raising her son solo, whom she calls “the light of my life.”
“I’m not saying settle for the first guy who proposes,” writes Lori. “I’m saying, consider your real requirements. I’m asking us to look at ourselves and our belief systems around what it really means to be in love.”
We’d love to know what you think about Lori’s advice.
Two of you will win a copy of MARRY HIM from Dutton.
Here’s how to enter. Tell us:
Do you agree with Lori that we’re all flawed human beings?
Does that mean you’re willing to look past certain flaws so you have more marriage choices?
Or, have you overlooked WAY too much in the past?
~~~
And don’t miss:
We’re also inviting you to tune into a live “Water Cooler” chat on Dutton’s site this Thursday, February 11th at 8:00 p.m. ET.
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Twitter @ CulminatingLife
Of course we are all flawed. If we were perfect, we would have nothing to work towards. We would have nothing to strive for, and of course we would go stagnant, with no desire to make anything better.
Women should realize that men will do this exact same thing. We look at the complete package, and many times we will settle, because we want one particular part of the package over other parts. As long as one part of the package that we desired most is still there, we tend to ignore the other areas (Which now, appears that we are complete opposite in this regard)
So for a relationship to be created, men (Who are on the far left… settles) and women (far right… won’t settle) have to create a balance, of what things we “really” need and align that with the person who shares in that same balance.
And of course this balance can only be truly managed, if we work and maintain a love for each other.
Travis´s last blog ..When I Fall Down You Put Me Back Together
Yes, we are all flawed! And there are plenty of flaws that we should ignore.
However, there are some things that should not be ignored. For a relationship to work, you will need to have a common morality for one thing – the rules you live by, whether based on a religion or not. Another thing would be common emotional maturity, whether that be immature or mature
Other than those two things, I would “settle” for a man who has other surface flaws. Besides I can’t expect perfection when I am not perfect myself.
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
Flawed, absolutely. But I want to be loved BECAUSE of my flaws. Not loved DESPITE my flaws.
I married a man with flaws. Many of them. I thought he would change. He didn’t. And, unfortunately, the flaws were deep and affected our ability to relate to each other at all. It became clear that we had different priorities. His top priority was himself and embracing his deep flaws rather than trying to over come them.
(Having a bitter sort of day)
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Please do not enter me into this contest. I do not want this book, even for free. Still, I’ll take the opportunity to say what I think.
I think this is a huge step backwards for divorced moms, in particular. We tried to stand by our men, and what we found was that we had to put our children and ourselves first, and overcome all of the baggage of that divorce.
I’m not saying that humans aren’t flawed. Of course, we all are! But I think that real, lasting love comes with loving someone because of their flaws, not in spite of them.
April´s last blog ..Discussing parental involvement
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I think there is a great deal of wisdom in this thinking. We are too much for the fairy-tale.
We want Prince Charming 24/7, we want sparks and fireworks all the time. We want the red carpet experience. We want mind-blowing sex ALL THE TIME. But the realities of life creeps in and we are left standing in a place that we don’t recognize.
We didn’t sign on for the ordinary, the mundane. We are all flawed with our own varying amounts of baggage. What I want in a husband this time around is different that what I wanted and got the 1st time. My life has changed and my desires and needs have changed. It is my hope that someone will look past my flaws and imperfections (God Knows I have many) and want to take my hand in marriage.
I can create romance, but I can’t manufacture true love that exists in the ordinary chaos of my days.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..MY DEFINING MOMENT FOR LOVE
Twitter @ That_One_Mom
It’s a fine line to walk, between being picky and overlooking too much. We are all flawed as human beings. Through the years and through many failed relationships, I have developed a list of non-negotiables. I had thought I had found a man that fit all of my needs, he was far from perfect, but he was still wonderful. My “relationship” with his family, however, helped me to discover one more non-negotiable. I miss him very much, but I know that his parents’ unwillingness to welcome me and my children into their family would have only caused conflict.
I am now involved with a man who appears to have avoided all of the non-negotiables. I (and my children) will meet his family in 8 short weeks. Will I marry this man? It’s way too soon to say. I can tell you that he is far from my “Hollywood Dream Guy” and he hasn’t pulled a Prince Charming and swept me off my feet, but he certainly fits my bill.
That One Mom´s last blog ..Weigh In Wednesday – Week 5
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I haven’t read the book but I do recall when I was dating and using Match.com I couldn’t believe how many profiles I saw where the woman was looking for a guy who: was over 6′ tall, athletic & toned, brown hair, blue eyes, never married, no kids, definitely wants kids, income $100K plus, yada, yada, yada.
Good luck in that search. People in their 40s with no baggage scare me.
I think it’s the term “settle” that throws people off of this idea. Settling implies making due with less than what you want or feel you deserve and that’s when resentment comes in and ruins the relationship. I think the real key as others have set is to make sure that all of the really important qualities are there and there aren’t any major dealbreakers. (And that they feel the same about you)
Twitter @ http://www.coldfeetpress.com
As the co-author of the book “How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is he the one or should you run?: A Guide to Living Happily Ever After,” I can’t tell you how many people have forwarded me links about this book! I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, (it’s on hold at my favorite bookstore) so I can’t comment on what the author has to say. That said, I am always grateful when authors, essayists, bloggers etc. raise questions like this because it gets people talking about relationships. So no matter whether I agree or disagree, I appreciate the conversation!
For our book, we interviewed hundreds of women–(and a few men)–who walked down the aisle knowing deep down that they were making a mistake. The advice that we heard over and over from those who learned the hard way was this: Don’t settle!
I tend to agree. Now if Lori Gottlieb is talking about the woman who says “I refuse to marry my wonderful boyfriend because he is bald”…or the woman who says “he is perfect but he is under six feet tall” or “doesn’t make more than $100,000)..then I am with Gottlieb. Marry him! However, if she is encouraging women to go ahead and marry a man that she is not attracted to, or a man who triggers their gut feelings. I say: Don’t Marry Him!
The bottom line is knowing what YOU want and need in a relationship and whether or not this man or woman is going to be able to fulfill those needs. For example, if you have always wanted to be a stay at home mom with three kids, don’t marry a man who doesn’t really like or want kids. Seems obvious, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, too man people ignore obvious differences such as these and plunge ahead. The end result can be a painful divorce.
I am eager to hear what Gottleib has to say. As of now, I am going to defer to the women who shared their stories in our book and say–Don’t Marry Him if you think you are settling!
Twitter @ aljolynn
I would agree with Lori and I see her advice more of a “open your eyes and heart and maybe you’ll find Mr. Right and be happy together forever” deal instead of a just settling song.
I’ve just opened up my heart again for dating although it will take some time to actually go on a date or more like find someone to go on a date with but I’m ready. Only because I have let go of an ideal and am ready to open my eyes and heart for someone that I will be able to love inside and out and he do the same with me.
As long as he’s able to make me laugh, lets me listen to my music, is understanding about my relationship with the Bambino, is able to love the Bambino, doesn’t try to control or manipulate and is open and honest with me then I’m game.
Restless Mama´s last blog ..I need a hero!
Twitter @ andrea_mcd
I have definitely overlooked too much in the past. That has been my constant pattern, too settle too quickly for someone who hurt me quite badly. And since my divorce my goal has been to raise my expectations enough that I end up with someone who will make my happiness as much of a priority in his life as his happiness is a priority in mine.
I now have written lists of red flags, green flags, yellow flags, milestones–lots and lots of reminders of what I NEED and can’t compromise on (and what are encouraging signs or things to watch out for, or whatever). I didn’t do this before marrying, and I wish I had.
But still, I think Gottleib’s advice is good. (And I remember when her essay came out and your initial reaction–what does that say?) The problem isn’t what she’s saying, it’s that she’s calling it “settling,” and it’s NOT settling. It’s knowing what you actually need to be happy and distinguishing between that and a long list of fairy-tale wishes that belong in movies instead of real life. It’s not advice that everyone needs. Some of us, myself and you included, need to be told to STOP settling because we’re making too many compromises and accepting too many sacrifices. But a lot of girls/women are the opposite, and are wrecking their love lives for a lack of a realistic appraisal of what they can expect to get out of one relationship with one imperfect human.
I have dated their male equivalent, and it’s not pretty. These are guys who are in their late thirties, early forties, have never had a serious or live-in relationship, and are convinced it’s because they haven’t yet met someone good enough. Their notions of romance, of what they’re entitled to, and what one woman can possibly provide them with or be, are so seriously out of whack that I believe they will die alone. And if that’s their choice, so be it; but these guys would definitely call it “settling” to end up with someone who isn’t a ten on every dimension. For people on this side of the spectrum, it’s good advice.
I’m not her target audience, and I’m ok with that. (That said I would love to read her book for myself, having heard so much about it!)
Andrea´s last blog ..Journalism is dead; long live journalism
Twitter @ StaceyEBurke
Thank you to April, the poster above me. I agree with what she wrote. As a divorced mother of two, I certainly tried to embrace the “flaws” of my ex-spouse, almost to the point of entirely disappearing. I agree that being too picky is not the right way to live, either in friendship, work relationships or for “love” – each person has something worth learning from or experiencing, even if it is negative. BUT, to imply that those of us who left spouses are in some way unable to compromise is a generalization I can’t suffer without a response. Is this author married or does she just like to give advice on how the rest of us are wrong?
Stacey´s last blog ..China Vessel Collision Leads to Drowning
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I think there is no question that all people have flaws. But there is also no question that some things are deal breakers. I WILL NOT over look such things as addictions, criminality, theft, and disrespecting me and my home. Some people tell me I am too picky, the other side of that is that if I am going to commit to some one for the rest of my life, he had durn well better NOT annoy the crap outta me.
I will “overlook” things like not having the perfect body, not being rich, and (considering that I live in the midwest) speaking with a “red neck” accent. these are superficial things.
In the past I have been in relationships were behavior that was abusive and manipulative was explained as “caring” and I tried to over look it, figured it was part of his personality, but controlling behavior and a tendency to run the partner down and commit crimes isn’t a quirk, and it wont just go away.
I don’t think this is the controversial issue its been blown up to be. This book has been reviewed and either praised or panned on almost every news site and female focused blog I read. I have no idea if the book is worth reading, but her marketing team certainly earned their money.
The truth is that there are people out there who want to be married and aren’t, but most of them either haven’t met the right person, or have situations and issues in their lives that take priority over hunting up MR or Mrs right. There is no right or wrong time to meet your mate and there is no shame in not having met that person yet. But there certainly is a lot of money to be made playing on peoples’ insecurities about it.
alley´s last blog ..This was me . . .
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
I simply want to say that Dr. Leah and I are completely taken by all of your thoughtful, poignant responses so far. We’re always glad to hear from both men and women.
Wow. We simply feel honored that you’ve taken the time to share your thoughts and feelings with us.
We’re curious to hear what others will add….
Twitter @ MamaJen84
I think we are all flawed I mean after all we are all only human right? I’m not ashamed to admit I most definately have flaws. I mean here I am a single mother of 3 all under the age of 5.
My kids dad and I were together for 4 1/2 years and engaged for 1. When it came down to getting married and spending the rest of my life with him, I just couldn’t do it. I had looked past his flaws for years and when i actually sat down and thought about it i couldn’t do it forever. I care about him but his flaws were something i couldn’t live with everyday of my life for the rest of my life.
I think that when it comes to settling down you can look past certain flaws but then there are some that just can’t be overlooked. I mean small things such as the way they fold their clothes, brush their hair, eat, how they dress,etc etc are so small and petty that i feel they can be overlooked. But the big ones such as their negative attitude,bad temper, high expectations,non-understanding, etc etc, are very hard to over look i had dealt with all the above and then some for a long time we had separated over them once or twice but we always got back together but after the birth of my daughter in september I got to where the things i had once overlooked were what made me despise him and grow to eventually hate him. So i say it is possible but it just depends what the flaws are that you are trying to overlook.
Twitter @ runpippi
Yes, I definitely agree that we are all flawed human beings. However, there are some flaws that I will settle for in a mate and some I will not. I left my marriage because I did not want to settle for my ex-husbands flaws, the biggest flaw being his controlling behavior. Why did I marry him in the first place? He wanted to be with me all the time, I wanted to get married and have babies (because all my friends were getting married) and he had a promising future as a physician. Were there red flags about the controlling behavior? Totally! But, at 24, I put on the cataract glasses and took the plunge. If I had not married him though, I would not have had our beautiful sons, the loves of my life.
I am in a relationship now with someone who is not controlling. We have been together a year and he does have flaws, but the flaws he has I overlook because they just don’t bother me that much. Things may change, but for now, I am happy “settling”.
Pippi´s last blog .."Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…"
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Well said @Pippi! “I am in a relationship now with someone who is not controlling. We have been together a year and he does have flaws, but the flaws he has I overlook because they just don’t bother me that much. Things may change, but for now, I am happy ’settling.’ “
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
When I married, I ’settled’. I settled for someone emotionally unavailable, manipulative, and self-absorbed. I was miserable, insecure and disorganized. We drove each other nuts.
I’ve spent three years listening very carefully to my inner voice, and correcting bad patterns. When I met gentlemen who treated me well, I avoided sabotaging the relationship back to the hostile, cold environment I was used to. I’ve been on hundreds of first dates, and given two men the opportunity at a lasting relationship.
Suitor #1 was a year out of a horrible divorce, and miserable. He had some lovely qualities, but in the end, we broke up because he was emotionally unavailable.
Suitor #2, who decided we were getting married within a month of dating, turned out to be very much like my ex husband, but tried harder. Emotionally unavailable, yes, cold and distant, yes, but would have supported me financially in anything I wished to do. But there was no hand-holding, no conversation, no emotional connection. I’d have been ’settling’ again if we’d married, and I’d have been miserable, again.
There is a happy ending to this story. Suitor #1 came back and asked if we could get it right this time. He was a great friend and a source of help, laughter, and comfort for the year we were apart. He cares very deeply for me. And I for him.
And I don’t have to settle.
Solomother´s last blog ..Snowday 4, going on 5, going on insane
I like what Lori has to say from the Atlantic article to all her interviews. It’s a tough question and a controversial one.
Her Atlantic article was pretty blatantly shocking. When you hear her talk about the new book, you see where she’s coming from more – many things you mentioned in your post here.
I think as women we DO tend to idealize marriage and life and everything. As intelligent as we are, we want perfection. It simply doesn’t exist. For some people, they are happy with God for He is perfect in their eyes. For others, God is a load of crap. Fine. But we cannot deny, no matter how hard we would like it otherwise, that “settling” is going to have to take place to be with someone for life. It’s simply a matter of what you will settle for and what you won’t. I have settled, for sure, in the socializing department.
I am a very up and out there person. My mate is not. I therefore harbored for many years resentments that I was doing the kids party circuit alone. But then I woke up and saw the “package deal” as you said. I have a man I am madly attracted to after all these years. I couldn’t ask for a better father. He is a very good provider and loves me with ever fiber of his being. Not enough love, of course, to do the Chuck E. Cheese circuit, but I can live with that.
It happens I wrote on Lori’s book today at my Good Housekeeping post. Take a look if you’d like.
Best!
Andrea
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/sex/is-settling-for-mr-good-enough
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Andrea: You know that I’m a big fan of yours! LOVE your Good Housekeeping post, especially how you shared your feedback about Lori’s book through your own eyes as a married woman. Thank you!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Solomother: Ooooh, we’re so thrilled to hear that you’re in a loving, respectful, caring relationship. Can’t wait to hear more!
Twitter @ http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/Sway/book-s7Da7ZB0lk2Nb8BwGOvyoQ/page1.html
“I’m not saying settle for the first guy who proposes,” I agree with this statement. I’ve been there, truly glad I said NO. He called me on the phone, asked me to marry him as if it was a business transaction. I thought he was joking, it was so crude and vulgar.
As Hermione would say on Harry Potter “What an idiot.”
Of course we are all flawed.
We need to decide what we are willing to compromise on, but so does he!
Everyone’s got certain parameters and lines they won’t cross.
But at the same time, maybe Mr. Right Now is really Mr. Right?
I’ve settled and compromised and here I am still (again) by myself after becoming a single mom by choice at 38, like Lori.
Thanks for the site.