Are meds a deal breaker when dating?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Single Dads
You’ve been very open here about everything from smoking secretly to getting a tattoo. And many of you have talked candidly about dealing with depression.
So, when we read this blog post at Frisky by Leonora Epstein, we thought you’d have something to day about how
“As someone who has been on antidepressants for more than half of my life, I’ve dealt with this confrontation on several occasions. Some of the men I’ve dated have appeared to not care, or just didn’t feel like delving into the emotional side of why (that’s fine—not like I enjoy explaining these things). Others have suddenly looked at me differently, as if the confident, charismatic woman I am didn’t come from within, but from a pill.”
As Leonora points out, there’s only so long that someone can try to hide the fact that he/she takes medications. Sooner or later, you’re going to find out, right? Yet being honest and straightforward with someone you’ve recently started to date can take can result in any number of responses:
From understanding and empathy that leads to a deep trust….To a major freak-out that creates a wall between you to.
Please know that we make no judgments here. We’d love to know how — both mothers and fathers — you feel.
If you’d recently started to date someone, and he/she opened up and told you about taking medications, how would you respond?
Maybe you’ve already faced this dilemma already. What did you say or do?
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Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I think that being honest is important. I think you need to let the other person know, and let them decide what they’re most comfortable with. If they can’t handle that their partner is on medication, then it’s good to find out sooner rather than later.
Could I date someone on medication? Well, for me, it would depend on the severity of the problem they’re medicating. Depression? Sure. They’re schizophrenic and hear voices and need meds to keep them quiet? Um…not so much. I have my kids to think about and for me, some issues would just be too big for me to tackle with another person at this stage in my life. I don’t think that mental illness should necessarily be a deal-breaker, I just think it’s up to each person to decide what they’re comfortable with.
Twitter @ http://runningleap.wordpress.com
I agree that it’s something you’ve got to get out there pretty early. For me, if it scares a guy off, then good; he’s not man enough to walk beside me in life, because life ain’t easy and I need someone who’s been through difficult times and doesn’t judge. In fact, I’m relieved when I head that a guy I’m dating has been on meds at some point in his life, because it means he’s been there, and he knows. Like Sunshine, I’d prefer it be for a mood issue or anxiety, rather than a problem with reality… For the record, I have been on meds many times, and I have more respect for a person who takes action to help themselves than to someone who refuses to get therapy or meds if they need them and instead drinks or smokes or sleeps around or any of the other things people do to self-meicate their feelings of loneliness away.
C´s last blog ..Protected: Rock. Hard Place. Me: In-between
I think medication is like a lot of other issues – there’s a fine line between honesty and TMI. I’ve been on and off antidepressants at various times, I’ve been in counselling – I probably should be doing one or both now! I wouldn’t broadcast it on a first date, but when it comes up, I don’t hide it either. I would probably be weirded out if a guy I’d just started dating announced that he’s on meds the same way I’d think it was weird if he blurted out anything else that was more personal than where we were. Does that make sense? However, if I felt like he’d hidden it from me, that would be a big red flag too.
wondermom´s last blog ..The joys of single motherhood…
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
Wondermom, I agree that theres a line between honesty and TMI, not just with meds, but with all things. I think that the meds issue, once things start to become serious, needs to come out.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Recipe For a Cranky Mood
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I agree with the others here; be honest without sharing TMI. I would date a guy on meds if it were for a mood issue but not something more serious. That being said, I have been involved with men who, as it turned out, SHOULD be on meds and I’m quite sure that is WAY worse than being with someone who is aware enough to get help instead of just projecting their issues onto someone else.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Life Goes On
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I wouldn’t mind if a woman was on medication but I agree on the TMI thing. I’ve had people tell me crazy stuff on first dates and I just think that’s too soon. I’m still trying to figure out how much I like the person and if we enjoy each other’s company. I don’t need all of the “skeletons” out of the closet quite that soon.
One other thing I should mention is I’ve known a few people on anti-depressants who drank a lot. That would be a red flag to me as would any type of overuse/abuse. I also think confidence plays a big part in how it unfolds. If you’re taking a prescription and you are nonchalant about it because that’s just the way your life is I would be a lot more comfortable than if you are freaked out about it or trying to hide it.
Twitter @ modernlovemuse
I think we must look at mental health in the same light as physical health. Would you not date someone because they are diabetic? Have a family history of stroke? Parkinsons? etc? The bottom line is that we all have genetic dispositions toward some sort of ‘warts’ and some of those crop up in obvious, physical ways, and some show up as ‘mental’ disorders.
The defining line, for me, isn’t the illness per se, but the person’s ability to manage his or her health.
Keeping in mind that half of the US population is/has taken anti-depressants for anxiety/depression, etc, I might suggest that the real culprits here are 1) a lifestyle that is too stressful for many to cope with sans medication and 2) big pharma that has done a fine job of promoting the use of their medicines in lieu of addressing #2.
My solution? – I left the country, and now live overseas in a small village. Life isn’t easy in my neck of the woods, but nobodies forcing pills down my throat either. Where I live, there is still a sense of compassion and understanding that people need time to breathe, stretch, floss and cry (on occasion) as normal parts of daily living.
Best and hope this adds to a fabulous discussion. Love this blog!
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
Meds for depression/anxiety and the like? Not a problem. I’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I can remember and have been medicated since I was 18. I’ve taken them on a regular basis for 5-6 yrs now and it’s not something I hide from the people I’d want to know about it.
Like Sunshine said, I try and avoid the ones who hear voices. I had a terrible experience of dating someone who said that he suffered from depression, but turns out he was paranoid schizophrenic.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
If it was something like depression or anxiety, I could handle it. But that’s because I’m on anxiety meds myself, and I deal with mild/moderate depression.. so who am I to judge?
I have an aunt who is manic depressive psychosis [she hears voices], so I’ve seen how difficult that is to handle.. and I am in no way strong enough to deal with a partner who needs that much help and medication.
Jenni´s last blog ..Stop! [In the Name of Love]
Twitter @ ewokmama
I’ve been on medications for depression for over a decade. When I met my fiance I told him straight out that I take medication and attend therapy. I explained to him how these things affected my marriage, as well. I didn’t want to waste my time on someone who couldn’t handle my health issues. David was very understanding and has been very supportive of how I manage my health.
If I were faced with dating someone who was taking medication, my only thought would be to make sure they are doing so responsibly and regularly in order to avoid health scares.
Twitter @ ewokmama
An additional note – I didn’t bring up my health when we first met – only when I knew things were going to get serious and exclusive.
I think every person has a right to decide how much they can handle,because like it or not when you become a couple you share each others issues.And love makes you want to see them get better and off or on a lower dose of meds. Unfortunately,sometimes that’s not their goal and you have to go your separate ways.
Twitter @ http://www.vomitcomit.wordpress.com
I’ve been wondering about this myself-I’m not currently medicated, but have a bipolar diagnosis (shrink is ok with drugs, and I’m managing via lifestyle-sleep, good food, exercise, etc) and I’ve yet to bring it up to the guy I’m dating-I’m nervous cause he’s made a few “cute girls who turn out to be crazy” comments. It’s still early yet, so I haven’t mentioned it. But then, I kinda feel like I’m lying, or leading him on in some way by not being totally honest and upfront about it.
So I don’t know. So long as it wasn’t anything major, I could date someone, but then, on the other hand, my marriage pretty much went down the pooper once my ex GOT on meds, so I’m still a little conflicted…
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
My ex was a normal guy until he started deteriorating, then woke up one night trying to kill me “because if I don’t, you’ll signal the assassins in the backyard with the microchips you planted in my freckles.” He was later diagnosed with a variety of psychiatric disorders, and has been committed to various institutions and halfway houses since.
I guess my point is that so many mental illnesses onset in the 20s and 30s, it doesn’t matter if they’re on meds when you meet them. They can still go crazy. If someone’s already on meds, I guess it would depend on severity- bipolar? That was one of my ex’s diagnoses, so I’d run like hell. Mild depression? Social anxiety? Theoretically workable. But as you can see I have some unique baggage, so I’d probably run like hell at any sign of mental unease anyway. I spent a lot of time and money protecting my son from my ex. I’m not about to voluntarily bring a new unstable person into his life.
Cat´s last blog ..Sundays in my City
Twitter @ http://itneverrainsinseattle.wordpress.com
Speaking as a Dad (instead of a Mom)…
While I have not been on meds, I have had many close friends who have had to be on meds or in therapy for depression, bi-polar, or ADHD-related issues. As such, if I were in a relationship that was getting serious and my paramour revealed she was on meds or in therapy for these issues, no, it would absolutely not be a deal breaker.
But I think the key here is familiarity. Being already very familiar with the symptoms and treatments, I do not find these conditions scary or off-putting. Schizophrenia? I neither have experience with this, nor would choose (as another parent noted above) to bring my kids along for such an experiment.
YMMV, but I think experience is going to be the key here for someone in determining whether it’s a deal-breaker. We do, as part of human nature, have a tendency to be wary of the unfamiliar.
itneverrainsinseattle´s last blog ..Interestinger and Interestinger
Cat: What a terrible experience. We’re sorry that happened to you. You’re right, of course, mental illness often has its onset in early adulthood, so a clean bill of health when a relationship begins is really not an ironclad guarantee. Thank you for sharing your story.
thordora: Conflicted feelings are understandable in your situation. It sounds like you’re managing quite well. And it sounds like you’re wrestling with the honesty vs. TMI dilemma. When you’re comfortable and the relationship has reached another level, likely, it’ll be time to share more about your health status.
itneverrainsinseattle: The welcome mat is ALWAYS out @Singlemommyhood for anyone who cares to join the conversation. Especially dads! We agree that unfamiliarity with situations can cause us to be wary, especially in relationships when the likelihood is our children will be affected. Thanks for joining our conversation.
@C: Thanks for pointing that some people choose to “self-medicate” in other ways, even if it’s not pills, such as drinking, smoking, etc. in order to push that loneliness away. That’s an eye-opening way to think about this.
You, readers, continue to amaze us!!
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..Are meds a deal breaker when dating?
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
If they’re SSRIs and affecting libido or performance, certainly by a third date I think that a gentle bit of information exchange is in order. It’s only fair. Let’s be real here.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Must everyone be a “leader” to succeed?
Not a deal breaker if it’s for depression and/or anxiety. Better it be under control than not. Also like others stated, wait a little bit before sharing this info. I work in healthcare and am aware just how very many people take these kinds of meds and you would be blocking out a larger portion of society if you choose to not date people on them. My boyfriend told me later rather than sooner but it didn’t really affect anything that I could tell so I guess it wasn’t a problem.
Sarah: Most of our readers shared your viewpoint …medication beats out of control behavior and emotions. Thanks for chiming in.