Cooperative co-parents. Is there a possible downside?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
We feel *honored* to connect with single parents who are literally worldwide. So, when we heard from the Canadian single mom blogger Bad Mummy, we were eager to help – especially when she mentioned how much she values our Singlemommyhood community.
Here’s what Bad Mummy (note from Ed: we’ve got your location correct now, thanks so much!) shared with us:
Her daughter is four years old, and she and her ex have split parenting time by alternating weeks since they separated about two years ago. So, their daughter does not remember when they three of them lived together.
Several months ago the schedule changed due to *circumstances.* Instead of alternating by weeks, transitions were added mid-week. So, this little girl was no longer spending a full week with one parent, but transitioning on Wednesday.
This change in schedule did not working well for her daughter. The daycare teachers reported that she got a bit physical with her classmates. Then she bit another child — and herself. Her parents were distressed to hear that their formerly confident and well-adjusted little girl had become clingy, impatient, and had difficulty participating. And defiant and disobedient with the some of her teachers. So worrisome!
The daycare director asked to meet with both parents, and everyone agreed that the necessary change in the parenting time schedule was the likely culprit. The director suggested that they ensure that the routine is EXACTLY the same in both homes.
This suggestion isn’t exactly a brilliant new thought for Bad Mummy.
“Her dad and I have been on top about consistency in our two homes. She has the same color scheme in her bedroom at both homes. She has similar toys and books. We tend to spend the first night of the transition day doing the same activity as well – watching a movie while eating pizza on the couch. She has toys that travel back and forth with her, according to what she chooses to take from home to home.”
This added pressure to keep things even more consistent has brought up some unexpected feelings:
“As much as I understand routine and my little girl’s need for it, I’m not about to start serving up mac & cheese according to her dad’s recipe. I worry about losing my autonomy as a single mom.” (We understand.)
Here’s what Bad Mummy is mulling over regarding this co-parenting dilemma:
Do these incredible efforts to keep things consistent in both homes have a possible down side?
Do these efforts unintentionally affect our children’s ability to cope in the future when life will never be exactly as expected?
Or, do our children need co-parenting consistency to thrive? We’d love to hear your thoughts.
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Twitter @ runpippi
My ex and I have a co-parenting arrangement whereby we have the children every other night and every other weekend. For example, the parent who has them M,W,F nights also keeps them through the weekend and then the following week, has them T and Th nights. This works well as we (my ex and I) want to see our kids every week, not every other week. We also had a previous arrangement which was a bit different and when we switched to the current routine, there were a few bumps, but overall things smoothed out eventually. Their father and I each do things totally different at our respective houses. The rooms are different, the food is different..everything is quite different. Maybe Bad Mummy’s daughter is picking up on her parents’ stress and acting out for attention? I do not think the schedule is to blame. In my opinion, there is something else at the root cause of her behavior.
Pippi´s last blog ..Happy (Wordless) Friday Follow from Beeker and The Pipster. Rock on Bloggy Peeps!
Twitter @ http://www.weparent.com
I’m no child psychologist, so here’s my uncredentialed two cents. I do agree that having some consistency between households is ideal. My son was almost 3 when his father and I split. Like Pippi, things were pretty different between households. We’ve actually gotten better about trying to maintain more consistency over time around things like bedtime. But, I just don’t think it’s realistic or necessary for everything to be EXACTLY the same. Even in a two-parent household life doesn’t always work like that. Is it possible that the transition was just too abrupt for her? It is a huge change. Maybe she’ll be able to adjust to differences in each home but with a slower process in place. Whatever these parents do, they should know that despite the challenges they face right now, they sound exemplary in their efforts to make sure their little one is OK. So, I hope they have the confidence they need to know that they *will* get this sorted.
Talibah´s last blog ..Lifelines for Co-Parenting: Be the Wise One in Your Next Argument
Twitter @ ewokmama
Consistency is good but you don’t have to go overboard. Kids are pretty amazing at figuring out the different rules in different areas of life. After all, the daycare routine doesn’t match the routines at home – why should both homes have the same routine? Kids find comfort in rituals but things don’t have to be the *same*.
Furthermore, this age is notorious for being difficult with transitions and general acting out for control. While the change in routine could have set it off, I don’t think it’s the CAUSE of the child’s behavior. It just sounds like unfortunate timing. With time and talking, she will adjust. Kids need to learn how to make transitions, otherwise they will avoid making changes their entire lives.
Ewokmama´s last blog ..The Next Step in Carseats
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I agree with the others. Consistency is good, but learning to adapt is also a great skill to have. At the child’s age, she probably has no memory anymore of her parents living together, so it’s just a matter of adjusting to this new schedule that’s at issue. I remember I used to worry about consistency a lot when I was going to school, and my daughters were with my parents almost half the week. They did learn to adapt, and they now know what the rules are at my house versus my parents’ house, and this has helped them for school transitions as well. Each teacher is different, and the kids learn to adapt. I’m sure the daughter will be fine, and learn to appreciate the differences in each of her parents.
April´s last blog ..I am
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
For the record, I’m not in the UK. I’m Canadian, living in Toronto. And the schedule has been Mon/Tues with me, Wed/Thurs with her dad and alternating Fri/Sat/Sun. So, for instance, I would pick her up from daycare on Fri afternoon and we would be together until Wed morn. That afternoon her dad would pick her up and she would be with him until Monday afternoon. I’d pick her up and we’d be together til Wed am, then with her dad til Fri am. We referred to our previous schedule as Mummy-week and Daddy-week, but since those weeks have been chopped into 2-day and 5-day period, it’s much harder for her to anticipate when the transision is coming, even tho she has her own calendar and the school has her current schedule so that they can remind her who is picking her up.
As well, when she does bring up that Daddy does things differently, I simply say that different parents have different rules, the same reason I give her if a friend is allowed to do something she is not and vice versa. This seems to satisfy her unless I’ve told her ‘no’ to something and she’ll inform me that she doesn’t like me and wants to be with Daddy instead.
One last thing to add – I think she is just now realizing that some kids have ONE home where mum and dad live together. We have lots of single parent families as friends and so I’ve always been able to name those friends of hers who have two homes. But she seems to have realized that she is a minority among her school friends.
We’re returning to our week-on/week-off schedule next week. And next time I take a weekly class, I am just going to have to find childcare so her schedule can remain as is.
bad mummy´s last blog ..Why, Hello There Poverty Line…
Bad Mummy: I certainly feel stupid having made that mistake. That’s what happens when you make assumptions. When I see “British” spelling like behaviour rather than behavior – “American” spelling, I assume that the writer lives in the UK. I sincerely apologize. And thank you for clarifying your parenting time schedule.
You’re likely correct that your daughter is now just aware that other children have different home circumstances. And that awareness can play into the difficulties you and your child are experiencing. Thanks again for so candidly sharing with our Singlemommyhood community.
@Ewokmama: Thanks for pointing out that “Kids find comfort in rituals but things don’t have to be the *same.*”
It IS amazing how adaptable kids can be, when they feel supported and loved.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
Love and support is key. My kids have had several different schedules over the past 5 years. We started off alternating M,W/T,Th and weekends and that changed a bit. Sometimes if we traded nights the kids were a little unsettled but it worked out pretty well. There were issues when the kids were 4, I think it is something about the age. I just strived to be as consistent as possible in my own home because that’s all you really can control. What has always been most important to me is that when they are with me they know that they are “home” and not “visiting”. We never had that growing up when we were with our dad.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
As the mother of 4 kids and newly divorced and co-parenting beautifully. I know that kids need consistency. But the reality is…things change…often. As much as we want to make everything alright for our kids…change happens. I appreciate the percieved (real or imagined)hardship it poses to a child. But at the end of the day, this child will have lots of changes in her young life. Nothing stays the same. If one parent dies, that is life changing. If one parent remarries, that is change. Change is a part of our everyday existence. What better way to explain change and to arm that child with coping tools. I never beleive its too early to share with your children your expectation of how they ought to behave and conduct themselves. Teaching a child how to handle their emotions at a young age is a benefit. There is no losing here. If parents break down at the first sign of a child’s unhappiness with change…then the parents have to toughen UP!
Lovebabz´s last blog ..ALREADY GONE…
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
My thought is this…
With my ex and I, we try to do a lot of similar things so that our son isn’t confused. Bedtimes, how to handle tantrums, what foods he eats, and things of that nature.
But to us, there also needs to be some type of distinction between “Mom’s house” and “Dad’s house”.
I’m of the thought that having too much similarity will only go to confuse the child. We’re not together and will never be together…so why try to make each home as similar as possible?
She owns different movies than I do. She has different books than me. We have different types of toys for him to play with.
Mind you, he’s not in school yet and everything could change once he gets older. But at this point, he totally understands where he is and that there’s a distinctive difference between the two parents. And he’s still happy.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..“Just Friends”: Can a single man really do it?
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I’m just going to echo what everyone else is saying here: consistency is good, but there’s such a thing as overboard. They need to learn to be adaptable as well. That said, I think there are certain ages at which the schedule change is more difficult. Up until my kiddo was about 5, he would be noticeably a little “off” after any change in routine. How far “off” depended on how drastic the change. But he always adjusted and was back to normal within a week or two, at the most.
Sometimes I think we forget how major a seemingly small change can be to a child. But their worlds are so much smaller than ours, that the impact of even a simple schedule change can, to them, seem like a change to their entire known world. It’s all relative, you know? Not sure if I’m describing it well, but I try to keep that in mind when dealing with my son’s adjustment periods. And, in the end, he always comes around and builds the skills that will help him adjust to life’s many unexpected changes in the future.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Tales of an unwed mother
Twitter @ jaytography
When my wife and I separated through divorce, we had no choice but to settle arrangements when it comes to co-parenting. We have 2 young kids and we don’t want them to suffer just because we needed to part ways. So me and my ex-wife are working hand in hand to take care of the kids. Hopefully we’ll get things flowing smoothly as planned. Thanks for sharing this!
Robert´s last blog ..Co-Parenting Challenge
Twitter @ parent24
I really just wanted to say how much I admire bad mummy and her ex for going to so much trouble to make things right for their daughter. And to all the single parents who don’t let the fact that they have split up spoil their relationships with their children. I admire you all so much.
Well said @Adele! And very true.
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
My girls are 5 and 7. They remember when we all lived under the same roof.
My ex and I do try for some consistency, but I do think that it’s important for children to realize that there are going to be different rules and ways of doing things at mom’s house than at dad’s, just because we’re different people and value different things. Also, I think it’s important for them to realize that sometimes THEY have to be the ones who bend, that the world doesn’t always revolve around them.
Having said that, if they’d been younger when we split, then consistency would have been more important. I think it largely depends on the age of the child/children involved.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Going GaGa
Twitter @ http://katwilder.com/
Consistency is important; duplication is not.
If both parents are supporting each other’s efforts and trying to keep things as normal in both households as possible, they’re doing pretty much all they can do. The most important part of that is each parent putting the child’s needs first, and maintaining a good co-parenting relationship.
When she gets older, she’ll be better able to express what’s OK for her and what’s not, as long as she doesn’t worry about loyalty toward one parent or another.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..What’s jealousy got to do with love?
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
Awesome point @MommaSunshine! The Mook definitely needs to know that not everything is about accommodating her. She likes to tell me what I should make for dinner, and which route we should drive home. I’m quick to point out that she can choose the dinner menu when she’s able to make dinner. And that as long as I am the driver, I’ll choose the route.
@Martini Mom – Good points as well. Her world is pretty small and when there’s a change, it may be small to us, but HUGE to her.
@Adele H Thanks!
bad mummy´s last blog ..Why, Hello There Poverty Line…
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Having been a single parent for many years, there are a few things I can say here. While at five and seven, kids may remember their parents together, they won’t when they are 15. It’s just he way it works. That kind of stuff at times, is more about and for the parents than the kids. lol… Kids in general, they need consistency. A set bedtime routine, and a set wake up time routine. Their sleep routine is key to how they handle their day, along with food. The interesting thing to note here is, for a lot of kids, the fourth year is tough. For single and intact homes. I think sometimes as single parents, we have a tendency to have the sole parenting or the co parenting be the first thing to look at when their are issues with out kids, when, they are simply just acting their age, while it just might be a developmental jag or milestone. I will often hear, ever since the divorce, my 3 or 5 year old won’t sleep through the night, or wets the bed. The fact is, this happens at these ages. and in intact homes, there are differences between the mom and dads, all the time.
@Bad mummy – sounds like you have a great kid, and a great outlook! Kudos!
Jane´s last blog ..Do you parent your friends?