My family HATES the fact I’m dating a single mom
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
That’s exactly what this guy wrote this week in his comment at “Single guy (no kids) dating single mom.”
This single guy commented about the fact that he’s dating a divorced single mom. Their relationship is humming right along. And he’s already met her young son. Their difficulties are with his family: they don’t approve of him dating a single mom. His mother is especially upset.
Apparently, this single guy is not alone in facing this particular relationship problem.
Here’s what another single guy (no kids) wrote to us on the same topic: “I’m dating a woman who got tired of waiting for Mr. Right. And she conceived her daughter using donor insemination. ”
This single guy is clearly smitten. His words were touching. He admires her spunk, independence, and devotion to her daughter. And he wants to be her “Mr. Right”.
Sounds like a fairy tale ending, right? Well, not quite.
Here’s the problem:
“My dad is like a lunatic about my relationship. I haven’t divulged exactly how my girlfriend conceived her child. (It’s her story to tell. And why is this anyone’s business?)”
“So, my Dad believes that relationships that aren’t ‘firsts’ are inevitably doomed to failure. In his more rational moments, he cites divorce statistics on second and third marriages.”
This single guy loves and respects his family. And he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his family or cause conflict. But, he does not want to lose the woman about whom he feels so passionately. He cannot imagine a life without her and her precious little girl.
We’re sure that some of you have LOTS of experience with family conflict about relationship choices.
So, he’s coming to Singlemommyhood for help and advice:
Should this single guy simply accept his family’s objections and move on without her?
Are relationships doomed when families are dead set against them?
Or should this single guy hold on to this love hoping that his family will grow to love her? And to hell with his family’s backward thinking?
Please do share your personal experiences. Thanks!
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Photo courtesy of dashingdipesh
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Twitter @ 4WBW
I think that the family may grow to love the single mom. I actually had a similar yet different situation. I was dating a man who had 4 children and his family didn’t like the fact i was young and didn’t have any. The family soon saw the devotion that i had towards the children and grew to love me as well- including the biological mother. After 4 years the father and I went our separate ways but I still have contact with the children which everyone loves.
Twitter @ jaimehaileyDBJ
I think it is totally up to the man who he wants to date or be with. If he loves her and her child, why does it matter what his parents think? Dating after divorce is hard enough as it is, much less having to deal with bringing them home to the family. He is a GROWN man. If she is good to him and he is happy, that’s all that should matter.
Thank you for chiming in @Jaime and @Veronica. We always appreciate hearing from readers who have dated/are dating single parents… and indeed, he is a grown man!
Twitter @ BuddyNotes
I dated a guy (no kids) and his parents were the same way. Our relationship never escalated to the point where he was ever even around my child. However I felt it very disheartening that his parents would judge me not even knowing me. I think adults should be with the person who makes them happy and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks.
Twitter @ http://www.onlyparentchronicles.com
What an awful situation. I was with a man for three years that didn’t have any children. We were engaged to be married in 10/10. We called off the wedding in 8/09. Throughout the three years we were together, his parents were vehemently against our relationship. The only time I had ever met them was because he forced us into each other’s presence. Why didn’t they like me? Because I was a single mom. That fact alone made me not good enough for their son. We fought the good fight, thought we could overcome the adversity and lost. Ultimately, his parents were making him choose. Any event that involved his family automatically uninvolved me and my kids. This put a serious strain on out relationship and was ultimately our demise.
I wish you the very best of luck.
This is an interesting topic and one that has hit me on the head recently. After my son was born I needed support. I grew up in a Christian home but had drifted away from the chruch for any number of reasons. Anyway, I found a church that had a really strong support system for single moms. They took me in and made me feel accepted. That was five years ago. Only now am I realizing that this same church’s teachings are strongly against divorce, and they look down on second marriages. Even though I was never married, I am now a pariah because I am a single mom. It seems they are happy to help us as long as we stay in our support group with each other. If we try to step out to meet men and perhaps even date within the church, they are less comfortable.
All that is to say that perhaps this man is coming up against some of these fundamental Christian beliefs in his parents – even if they aren’t religious, they may have been influenced by such beliefs. It is a hard situation, and I wish him and his partner the best of luck.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
This is a hard place to be. To have to choose between your family or a woman with a child. The harsh truth is; there may be a chance that the parents may never come around; and if that were to happen, it’s not comfortable at all. It means that being around the family will always be difficult—some people completely abandon their biological family for a partner—sometimes, that’s a great idea (depending on how close one is or isn’t). My ex husband never stuck up for me when his mom was downright rude to me (even in front of the children). Not a comfortable place to be at all.
However, if the family decides to come around—then it might all be worth it.
We don’t know the parents—we don’t know if they’re the forgiving kind or if they’re the stubborn kind.
However, I’m sorry that this single man has to go through this.
avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
I think every person want to dating with their partner. So it is not wrong to your date with singles mom. according to me every types of date is safe and quite. So you carry on your date.
Thank You
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I think he should ignore his parents. He’s an adult.
Cat´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
Many years ago I was in this situation. A single mom and her 3 kids were moving in with me, and my mother wasn’t at all pleased with the situation. I made some attempts to defuse the situation, and the single mom did her best to be accommodating, but my mother wouldn’t budge. I was 27 years old, I was happy, and I basically told my mother, I was doing what I was doing.
It’s probably unnecessary to say at this point, but my mother is a bit unstable, and she disowned me. My sister told me she being introduced as mom’s “only child”. Collateral damage in the deal was that it was easier for my Dad if he went along with her, rather than bucking her, and so I essentially traded my parents for the woman that would become my wife.
We did get married, had 2 kids, spent 15 years together, and she recently decided she’d be better off on her own, and she is once again, a single mom with a 12 year old and a 7 year old, (no 10 year old this time around).
Moral of the story? I’m not sure. Now I don’t have a wife, or parents, I’m certainly not going to go to my mom and tell her it’s over, because she’d be all over the “See, I told you she was no good”, disregarding 15 years of family life.
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I was able to make that one decision again, knowing what I know now, would I have gone the other way? No. Although losing my family unit is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through, the experiences, and the kids are well worth the cost I’m paying now, and will be paying for years.
I realized that part of my mother’s issue was that I was choosing someone else over her. I had dated before, but this was a serious, life changing, single mom with kids. She could have embraced the situation, stood by me, been a mom, and loved the kids as her own grandchildren, or been there if things went south early on. She choose to do what she choose to do, and in doing so, she lost the relationship with the older kids, her step-grandchildren, and she’s never met her real grandchildren. She’s lost all the way around, and really, I had a good run.
It’s likely that the dad in this story isn’t psychotic like my mother, and the hard feelings will fade with time. Either way, he stands to lose more than anyone else in the deal.
Best of luck.
NSD
newsingledad´s last blog ..Mediation Results
I honestly don’t feel like you should have to choose, and frankly not liking someone SOLELY based on the fact that they are a single parent (whether by choice or not) seems very shallow to me.
Hopefully, grown men will be grown men and will make their own decisions in life. I am a choice mom who used donor insemination to have my beautiful daughter and actually I am just starting to see this really great guy. I hope my being a single mom does not cause us conflict but if it does, I guess we will deal with it along the way.
I dunno, but I think that if your family loves and respects you that they should at least accept your decisions in life. You notice I did not say “love” or “agree” with all of your decisions. lol. And obviously, I am not talking about criminal activity or anything like that. It is sooo hard to find love in this world that frankly things like kids, race and age seem a bit shallow if you have TRULY met your SOULMATE.
Twitter @ modernlovemuse
There’s no mention of the woman’s opinion on the matter, so I wonder, does she know that his family has their doubts about her? My first thought is that the couple needs to make sure THEY know what they want, and that it is compatible. Then they present a united front to their relatives and give them the option of falling in love too.
All the statistics in the world can be massaged to make a point. But love is beyond number crunching. If it’s the real deal, then I suggest this couple recognize that this is just one problem they will face. If they consciously walk their love path together, they are one step ahead of the naysayers.
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
I think his family needs to see him take a stand to understand how important the single mom is to him (and I bet the single mom would appreciate that too). It is possible to do so without being disrespectful of his family. He can talk to them about having an open mind to it because she is the only woman he’s ever met that makes him happy, feel loved, etc. And if they truly want to see him happy, they will try.
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Dating Misadventures of a Single Mom
Thank you for this @Tinamarie: “But love is beyond number crunching.” How very true.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
This is a tough one. My ex has a son from his previous marriage, who was 8 when we first started dating – now he’s 13. I was accepted instantly by everyone – his family, his son, and his ex-wife. And I was only 19 [he had just turned 30]! Despite me being very young, everyone saw how accepting I was to my ex’s life, especially his son. And I really think they thought I was my ex’s saving grace, and I could change his life for the better [I did try].
My mom on the otherhand, was not accepting of the fact that I was dating a single dad. But I think a lot of it came from the fact, that she saw red flags – he didn’t pay child support, he worked several low paying part time jobs, etc. You could tell, that despite being 30, my ex was really a lost soul, who still had a lot of growing up to do.
My mom and my ex RARELY got along. Especially after him and I moved 4 hours away, and two months later [this was 6 months into our relationship], I got pregnant with our first daughter. After our second daughter was born, was when the real fireworks went off – they got into a heated arguement the day I came home from the hospital, and she left that night. So here I was with a 14 month old, a newborn, and still healing, and my husband had go to work the next day. After that, they NEVER got along.
Their bad relationship, caused a lot of tension in my marriage. Because I LOVE my mom. She has done everything possible to be there for me. And I know if I’m in trouble, she will help bale me out. And my ex still talks badly about my mother, I remind him, if it wasn’t for her, me and the kids would be homeless right now.
I guess my point is: tension with the family, can cause tension with the relationship. In my case, it wasn’t just the tension with my mom, it was other problems too. BUT it definitely didn’t help.
My suggestion: Give it time. Maybe all the family needs to see is that he’s happy with this woman, and they’ll eventually warm up. But also be aware, that this can definitely cause problems in a relationship, and just be prepared. Be prepared to talk it out, and get over the bumps in the road.. because those bumps will make or break you.
Jenni´s last blog ..Bad Romance
If he likes the woman so much and ultimately could see himself with her, then he needs to grow a pair and be with her. I’m a guy and listen to Dr. Laura occasionally. She would say who are you trying to make happy – you or your parents at your expense?
Welcome Matt: Dr. Laura does have a way of cutting to the chase. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
Coming in late on this one, but for anyone coming along even later, I had this problem 16 years ago. My mother, who needs to be the center of attention in everyone’s life didn’t like the idea of a single mom and her 3 kids moving in with me. I was 28 years old at the time. Mom went on and on about how she was looking for a paycheck, and didn’t care about me, blah blah blah. I took her comments into consideration, and then did what I thought was the right thing to do, considering I knew the woman moving in with me, and mom lived 2000 miles away.
The relationship turned out well, we were together until early 2009, in addition to her 3 kids, we added two more to the group. All 5 kids look at me as a Dad figure, and while we’re no longer together, (at her choosing), she wasn’t at all out for a paycheck to take care of her kids.
As for my mother… she declared that I was “disowned” and has for the past decade or so, introduced my sister as her only child. Shocking isn’t it?
To be honest, my life has been considerably easier without her in it. Our wedding went off without a hitch, and while the kids didn’t have that “grandma and grandpa” they seemed to have done pretty well without her.
While I’m certain my situation is unique, I would say anyone reading this probably won’t get the extreme reaction that I got. I would say mine was the worst possible scenario, but it might be more difficult to have an angry parent close by, than non-existent.
I found that my mother’s advice and parenting was valuable and welcome when I was a child, but as an adult, I need to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, and my own successes. I’m happy for any advice she (or anyone else) wants to give, but I am in no way obligated to take it.
I’m now reading this because I happen to be the 34yr old single mother of two dating a man whose parents have never met me but do not approve of me or the idea of me solely due to the fact that I am a single mother. We have been dating over a year and he is very close with his family. I’m trying my best to understand why he has taken so long to speak with them about the close relationship we have and feel the only time he has ever spoken up is because I have talked about them not knowing how close we are. My dilemma isn’t so much that his parents don’t approve (although who doesn’t want to be liked and accepted by the parents?) My problem is how he has dealt with this situation. He declares I don’t know what it’s like because I am not close with my family… I have put myself in his shoes and although I try to understand why he has been so hesitant about letting them know what our relationship is, I don’t understand how parents that are so close to a child don’t trust a decision he has made and are so narrow minded to ultimately base and finalize their decision over the fact that I am a single mother. We care about one another a great deal but if this is how he’s handled things thus far what can I truly expect in the future??
I’m now reading this because I happen to be the 34yr old single mother of two dating a man whose parents have never met me but do not approve of me or the idea of me solely due to the fact that I am a single mother. We have been dating over a year and he is very close with his family. I’m trying my best to understand why he has taken so long to speak with them about the close relationship we have and feel the only time he has ever spoken up is because I have talked about them not knowing how close we are. My dilemma isn’t so much that his parents not approving (although who doesn’t want to be liked and accepted by the parents?) My problem is how he has dealt with this situation. He declares I don’t know what it’s like because I am not close with my family… I have put myself in his shoes and although I try to understand why he has been so hesitant about letting them know what our relationship is, I don’t understand how parents that are so close to a child don’t trust a decision he has made and are so narrow minded to ultimately base and finalize their opinion over the fact that I am a single mother. We care about one another a great deal but if this is how he’s handled things thus far what can I truly expect in the future??
@Marie: Thanks for reaching out to us as you face these painful feelings. We’re going to reach out to our community and see if any other single moms can chime in about how they’ve dealt with a similar situation. Please stay in touch.
I agree with Matt
This makes me really mad. As a single mum myself, I couldn’t be with a man who could not or would not fight for me & our relationship.
If you love this woman then show it! Back her up 100%! Defend her & be her champion. In doing so your family should see how much you love her & respect you as a man enough to know this is your choice & they need to respect that decision. If they still can’t then I’d suggest it’s not just her they have no respect for, it’s you as well. Who needs that in their life? Blood or not, surround yourself with positive people who love, respect & support you. Toxic, negative, narrow minded or hateful people can be left behind – family or not.
I’m 27, a single mom with a 6 years old daughter and I am really happy because I have my daughter . When my daughter was about a year old , my husband and I separated . I left him because he was addicted to drugs and he is a bad tempered man . He threaten me before with a knife. I left him because I have to protect my daughter from harm. I am glad I have made that decision. Then, I met another guy . He was a loving man. He loved me and my daughter very much. His family at first wasn’t really agree with our relationship but as time goes by, his family has learnt to accept and love us. I really thank God for that but Life is so short. Our 5 years relationship ended because he passed away few months ago . I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I worked from morning till night trying to forget everything. I couldn’t sleep well for 2 months . I cried every night when my daughter was asleep. He died in a very young age . He was only 28 and God took him away . I will never forget his love for us even though he was no more with us. Almost 8 months , he had gone ….. I am so blessed to have family and friends with me during that time . Till this time , I still visit my boyfriend’s family . I love them very much . A guy who is 4 years younger than me whom is my colleague cares about me very much. He told me, he was sad to see me changed to be a quite and passive person. He took me home when I was alone, when my hands were cold, He held my hands and said it’s alright . You have me . He told me that he loves me. Was like fell in love with the right person at the wrong time . I’m really thankful to have him by my side when I was in my lowest peak of life . He gave me strength to stand again . And I love him too . He don’t mind that I have a daughter .. He love us both dearly . He brought me back to his home and introduced me to his family . They like me is just that I’m too old for his son plus I have a 6 years old daughter . What am I suppose to do ? I feel so painful and I just keep praying to God . If he is for me then show me the way … I cannot accept that my heart is going to hurt again . I don’t know whether I can stand up again ………. I really don’t know .
Angel: Taking a chance with your heart after such a devastating loss takes courage. You sound like a strong + brave woman. We’re rooting for you. Please keep us posted. And thank you for sharing your deeply personal story with us.
“He admires her spunk…”
Poor choice of words.
My heart is broke from a similar situation because he was too “scared” he said. Not sure if it was fear of conflict from family or fear of dealing with an already made family.