Single guy (no kids) dating single mom
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
We certainly heard from you loud and clear when we posted a question from a single mom whose kid-less boyfriend showed little warmth toward her little girl — even after almost two years together. So, we were intrigued when got an email from a single guy who’s dating a single mom with just the opposite problem.
So, this single guy (no kids) has been exclusively dating a single mom with a 16-month-old daughter. This mom had been engaged to the baby’s father, but they broke up a year ago during her pregnancy. He knows that this was a horrendous emotional roller coaster for her. So, he’s tried to be understanding and patient.
Like most relationships, the beginning was awesome. And this single guy fell hard for her.
Here’s what happened next:
Sometime around the winter holidays, this single guy sensed a change in their relationship. She seemed to shut down a little emotionally, as if she wanted to protect herself. She’s an independent woman — a quality he appreciates — so he has tried to understand her need for space. In a hope to crack that shell a bit, however, he has reassured his girlfriend that he is there for her. — and for her daughter.
He loves kids. And definitely sees becoming *Dad* to her daughter as a welcome possibility. Still, something has been “off.”
“I’m giving her space,” he wrote, “which means that we see each other about once a week for a few hours. I’ve also been giving her time — a couple of days, usually — between phone calls and texts.”
But very recently, this single guy decided it was time to have a *conversation.* He wanted to know how she was feeling.
“She told me that right now she doesn’t feel like she can give me what I am looking for,” he said. “She said she’d understand if I wanted to see other people. But in the same breath said that she is afraid to lose me because she realizes that I treat her so well. And she’s confident that she can give a lot to this relationship.”
Help! He’s still trying to give her space. Yet his friends think he’s being foolish. They’re urging him to move on.
This single guy’s dilemma is obvious — so here’s what he would love to know from you.
Why is this single mom pushing him away and at the same time trying to pull him close?
What advice can you offer this single guy who’s clearly smitten?
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Sounds like there is another guy in the picture (if not the ex!) and she wants her cake and eat it too! But think about it…if she was absolutely crazy about you, she would NEVER in a million years want you to date anyone but her! Her heart just doesn’t sound like it’s in it. You sound like a nice guy. Really, don’t waste your time. Good luck!
jessie: Thanks for joining the conversation — and we agree: he does sound like a nice guy.
Thanks for the heads up Ali,
My girlfriend had her daughter roughly around the same time as you. She is 35 now with an 11 year old. We dated for only around 4 months before I was introduced to her. Having read up on many sites about the ‘timing’ of this introduction, it did seem like we moved along faster than usual but like I mentioned above, we really found so few things that would give either of us pause.
Even in the case of her daughter, at first for me it was terrifying. The idea that no matter how much I could fall in love with her mother, if I didn’t have any connection with the daughter it would be like finding out the half price Ferrari had no engine. But all of us are amazed and grateful that her daughter and I hit it off so well. Its such a gift honestly. We have the same sense of humor, the same tactical argumentative style, she’s an artist and loves that I’m in a very creative field, and the list goes on.
When I read about the many sad stories about couples who got together and found nothing but aggravation and resistance from the children, it really felt like the odds were stacked against us. But here we are and things are good.
I’ve actually spoken with my girlfriend about this site and this ‘dynamic’ and while I wasn’t absolutely clear about whether she fitted in this category of “pulling back”, I just wanted to be sure. So I asked her to give this long list of submissions a read through. I mean the last thing I wanted to do was open up Pandora’s box and plant some thoughts and fears in her that might not have been there to begin with, but at the same time, if there was potential of mysterious feelings of hesitance that could develop in her, I wanted her to understand them now.
So considering my above submission and my request for ‘the other side’ of things on this front, while we are still only 9 months into this, we are on page. She feels no hesitance, (just the occasional overwhelmed feelings from time issues of her life), and I think we have a very good chance to succeed. This is really just the classic case of the single guy dating the single mother and feeling the reality slap of not being number one in my girls life. And I don’t say that with resentment. I embrace the new wisdom. Having never lived for anyone but myself, I could stand the occasional slap on that front.
THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO START BENNY HILL’ING ME ON A REGULAR BASIS.
… baby steps… ha
I am a single mom and I’m in a serious relationship with a kid-less man. He met my son 5 months after we had started dating. We moved in together 7 months after that… it felt soon but he had bonded with my son and I am absolutely in love with him. I felt some twinges of jealousy when he began taking on the roll of co-parent and when my son openly favored him over me in some situations. Though I felt no hesitation I can understand why some may. Often we think of being a single mother as a lot of work… we’re the parent, the friend, the couch, the teacher, the nurse… the list goes on! On that same note… we are the best part of our child’s day. We are the only person that they need. Sharing our children is difficult but for the right person we will. Make sure that you’re her right person before you get your heart broken.
It’s been said before but it is amazing how closely my story echoes so many others. I’ve been seeing a wonderful woman with a 9 year old son coming up on 9 months now. She had been divorced for over three years and had not been involved seriously with anyone yet since. In the beginning she was understandably protective and made her situation clear. There was no issue with communication – she was open about how she felt about me and up front about how she felt we should proceed – carefully and slowly. It didn’t take long for our feelings toward each other to accelerate and for our relationship to move into a new category. Our time spent together was molded around her hectic schedule – we stayed together on the night her son was with his father. She has work (a few overnight shifts as well as a shift during the day), school, lots of commitments with her son. I was patient – this was uncharted territory for me – but I felt it was paying off.
After about four months I met her son. As I became a fixture at family events and she became more open about the nature of her relationship with me her son was understandably guarded. His dad is still in the picture – by all accounts he is a good dad – and her son was open about how he felt about me. He ‘hated’ me – I knew this was nothing personal. He told his mom that it felt like she was cheating on his dad. At one dinner out, while she was in the restroom, he told me that I was not his dad (just in case I was confused on that point). Being a new unknown quantity, and having been through what he is going through at almost exactly the same age, I understand those feelings. As time moved forward his comfort level with me has been increasing, he even laughed at some of my jokes not too long ago. She has a wonderful close family – they encouraged her, understanding his situation, to let things happen naturally. We still need to get to know each other better and let some of our barriers down but I feel like, considering the limited time we have spent together; her son and I will connect as time goes on.
My relationship with his mom started as guarded (‘I don’t want to have kids or get married’) to very close (‘I do see myself having kids’) in a fairly short period of time. She shared very strong feelings for me. We didn’t talk too terribly much about our future together but our feelings were mutual and our relationship was clicking along. I was initially guarded too – I’ve never been married (33 years old) or had kids and wanted to see how I would fit into the picture. She made it easy for me to feel like part of her family – I was included in the big gatherings and weekend trips. We had a lot of momentum.
But, just like in so many other situations, she started putting up walls. She would occasionally talk to me about the anxiety she feels when she starts considering the next steps of our relationship (moving in together, etc). About a month and a half ago there was a vague distance growing – she did not make our night together a priority, I was being excluded from a few free nights here and there. A few weeks later we had a talk – she wanted to slow things down. She was, as always, open about why – as the impending future our momentum would bring had been becoming a reality she felt herself pulling away. Her feelings had changed, she felt guilty about the arrangements she had to make with her son from time to time to clear room for me. It was hard for me to hear – and it took a second conversation about a week ago for her to fully convey how she feels (more so for me to fully process it). The new outlook for us is this: she needs a break, some distance to find how she feels. She is at a point in her life where she does not want to get married or have kids (both of which I had mentioned as being things I want for myself). She doesn’t want to feel the pressure I was naturally and somewhat unknowingly emitting as I tried to find ways to be physically present in her life. We will talk occasionally and see each other when time permits but we have to back things up to the beginning and stay there in a holding pattern for now.
I took this personally at first. I tried to ‘sell my case’ in a few conversations with the hope that she would see what I could add to her life – as opposed to being the time and energy liability she started to feel I was becoming. I believed that this was her passive way of getting me to give up – freeing her from the guilt of potentially breaking my heart etc, etc, etc. But I eventually fell back on the strength of our communication, and the trust I have in her, and I do trust what she is telling me. She came out of a bad marriage and had to deal with a lot of challenges along the way. She is finally at a place where she can independently provide for her son and keep her life under control. When we started dating she ‘was not looking for anyone’. All of the sudden she took herself by surprise by letting me in – and now major changes threaten to upset that balance. Reading all of these experiences has reinforced my understanding of this.
She has been checking in with me every other day or so. We do have plans to get together this weekend – our relationship is not dead. She is seeing a councilor – something she arranged on her own – to help her sort through her feelings and establish an understanding of where she is in her life right now (her first appointment is next week). She told me that the ‘potential exists’ and that she is afraid that her reaction to our relationship could be tied to the normal fears that so many others are having. Her willingness to take this step has given me the courage to throttle the freight train of forward motion I felt we were on way back. I really don’t know what she will find or what the future holds but I don’t feel it is about me anyone – it’s out of my hands. She and her son are worth this. I didn’t feel this way at the core until I read through all of these posts – I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I didn’t have any perspective. Thanks everyone.
@voytek: We really appreciate the time you took to share what’s going on in your life. Please keep us in touch.
I was a single mom for 10 years before getting married to a guy who didn’t have kids. I also pulled back (more than once) and slowly learned to trust again. Bravo to you for hanging in there.
Wow voytek,
That was very mature and selfless of you to step back and realize that it was out of your hands. Did you take a pill for that or what? If so, I want a prescription of it!
From reading some of these threads, it seems that there is a pattern with single moms to pull back. My ex-fiancee was a single mom and pulled back several times. My current girlfriend is a single mom as well and there is this hesitancy to go forward in our relationship. Any advice? I guess if I follow voytek’s lead, I should step back and give her space. My natural tendency is to push forward and “sell our relationship” to her.
Why do single moms pull back like that? Is it the mother bear instinct? It can be so frustrating. You are going along in a relationship and it seems like it is going great and then boom, you start getting that creeping feeling that the other person is pulling away. It is a helpless feeling; especially when you have not changed your behavior.
Ali, that is amazing advice. I read it twice! I know it was last year when you posted and I don’t know if you will ever read this, but I wanted to thank you for the insight.
That is exactly the pattern of my ex-fiancee. She is a drop dead gorgeous, well-educated lady with so much going for her, but she jumps from relationship to relationship and has since her divorce. She was almost engaged even before her divorce was final. She was in an arranged marriage (Greek family) and her husband was physically and mentally abusive. He abused their two kids as well (post divorce).
These stories all start to sound the same. I am not trying to categorize them because each story is full of hurt and pain, but my gosh, I see the pattern!
When I met her, we quickly fell in love and were engaged within four months. I had to go to Iraq for a year, but after a few months felt the pulling away. She did this up and down thing for a year while I was deployed. It left me a basket case that I am still recovering from.
I saw red flags when we first started dating, but chose to ignore them,i.e. the revolving door relationships. Like every other guy, I thought we would be different, but like Ali said, she had no idea who she was and kept running away. I remember having these repeated conversations when I would practically beg her to tear down her wall. She would just answer with one word answers like, “I don’t know”. I should have walked away, but I loved her. I have a deep respect for guys that can walk away.
I would like to point out a cautionary note for other guys who find themselves in a similar situation when it comes to growing attached to her kids. These kids can become jaded from all these guys coming in and out of their mom’s life. They will start to see relationships as disposable. I spent countless hours talking to her daughter while she literally cried on my shoulder about her dad, relationships, etc. I thought we had a bond that was unbreakable. Well just like her mom, she quickly discarded me. Several months after we broke up, my ex reached out to me and I accepted (huge mistake). It lasted one week before it all started again with the pulling back. My ex also informed me that her daughter did not want us to be together because I had kids! I was dumbfounded. This was the same daughter who had wanted me to come to her graduation and recitals.
My “lessons learned” for others is two-fold: first you not only risk being broken-hearted by the mom, but also by her children. Children learn about relationships from their parents and unfortunately in this case, learned the wrong thing. Children can be fickle and manipulative just like their mom. They can be manipulative especially if their parents allow it. Second, people do not fundamentally change unless they recognize they have something they need to fix, work to fix it through counseling, TIME, and actions. Even then it will be a lifelong effort to not fall back into old habits.
I realized that I dodged a huge bullet, but it still does not make it any less painful.
As a single mom, here’s what I’d say.
One, about pulling back: Of course a single mom’s going to pull back. Look: you show up, there’s romance, and what a desperately needed thing for her! She’s been doing nothing for ages but taking care of other people, she’s probably got money trouble, she’s exhausted, and you’re being wonderful to her. That’s great.
But the reality is that you do not come first. And she doesn’t come first. The kids come first. And once she’s had a break for a little bit, she’s going to feel guilty and remember who she’s supposed to be paying attention to. Not you, not her, but the kids. And she’s going to see what hasn’t been done while she’s been dallying with you. Lots hasn’t been done, and she knows she can’t keep playing that way.
Also, any bright mom is going to know that if the kid’s not down with you, it’s not going to happen. You can’t just shoehorn someone into a kid’s life and expect good things to come of it. She knows that someday the kid will be grown and she’ll have more freedom. In the meantime, her priority isn’t you, isn’t her, etc.
If you want to keep your relationship with a single mom, push her away to go take care of her child. Really. Show that you understand who comes first. And then take care of her. Support her in raising her child(ren), because it’s the most important thing she’ll ever do, and, if you’re lucky, the most important thing you’ll ever do. This doesn’t mean, btw, step in and be a dad/uncle/whatever. It means support her in *her* doing the work. And let the kid come to you, as she allows, and as she’s comfortable — and not unless you intend to stay till the child’s grown & keep your promises. Otherwise, be there for her, stay away from the kids.