Single guy (no kids) dating single mom
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
We certainly heard from you loud and clear when we posted a question from a single mom whose kid-less boyfriend showed little warmth toward her little girl — even after almost two years together. So, we were intrigued when got an email from a single guy who’s dating a single mom with just the opposite problem.
So, this single guy (no kids) has been exclusively dating a single mom with a 16-month-old daughter. This mom had been engaged to the baby’s father, but they broke up a year ago during her pregnancy. He knows that this was a horrendous emotional roller coaster for her. So, he’s tried to be understanding and patient.
Like most relationships, the beginning was awesome. And this single guy fell hard for her.
Here’s what happened next:
Sometime around the winter holidays, this single guy sensed a change in their relationship. She seemed to shut down a little emotionally, as if she wanted to protect herself. She’s an independent woman — a quality he appreciates — so he has tried to understand her need for space. In a hope to crack that shell a bit, however, he has reassured his girlfriend that he is there for her. — and for her daughter.
He loves kids. And definitely sees becoming *Dad* to her daughter as a welcome possibility. Still, something has been “off.”
“I’m giving her space,” he wrote, “which means that we see each other about once a week for a few hours. I’ve also been giving her time — a couple of days, usually — between phone calls and texts.”
But very recently, this single guy decided it was time to have a *conversation.* He wanted to know how she was feeling.
“She told me that right now she doesn’t feel like she can give me what I am looking for,” he said. “She said she’d understand if I wanted to see other people. But in the same breath said that she is afraid to lose me because she realizes that I treat her so well. And she’s confident that she can give a lot to this relationship.”
Help! He’s still trying to give her space. Yet his friends think he’s being foolish. They’re urging him to move on.
This single guy’s dilemma is obvious — so here’s what he would love to know from you.
Why is this single mom pushing him away and at the same time trying to pull him close?
What advice can you offer this single guy who’s clearly smitten?
(Photo courtesy of Aleksey Fursov via Flickr)
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I am sorry to say, but I’ve been in a similar situation with another single mom; same sense of emotional withdraw at some point – same sense that the ’shell’ was just beginning to crack. Then a similar spiel.
She is not ready for whatever her reasons are. He has given himself, given space. Now he needs to give her room to heal more. He may be “smitten” but he will find someone further along in the healing process than she clearly is, and then there won’t be a confusing tug of push him away yet not far enough away to lose him.
Time to let go, and find in someone one else, those qualities in her he was so attracted to; and trust that the next one will posses those and more and be ready.
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Oh wow. This could have been written about me! My daughter was 17 months old when I became involved with someone. My break up with her father was also very tumultious. I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship then and told him so but we had a lot of fun together and well, others things worked very well between us too. I tried to break it off with him a couple times when it was clear that his feelings for me were stronger than mine but for whatever reason that never stuck. He told me I was like tootsie pop and he would keep on licking till he got to the center. I cared for him and it was comfortable…but we were never on the same page at the same time and eventually it did end.
My advice to the guy is to end things with her romantically. Try to stay friendly and maybe after some time apart and she has had more time to bounce back you will both end up on the same page at a later time. Ya never know.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Big Blog Love
I have been in a similar situation except that I was the one who told the woman almost exactly what this single mom told the single guy. For me it was a realization that I wasn’t emotionally available at the level to which I felt the relationship was progressing. I felt a closeness to the woman and I didn’t want to lose what we had, but at the same time, I knew I wouldn’t be able to give the relationship what it needed to take it to the “next level”. And I cared too much for her to try and fake it in any way.
On one hand, I wanted her to say what we currently had was enough. But on the other hand, I wanted her to move on and find someone else who could give her what I couldn’t. And in some respects, the relationship became a reminder of what I felt was “broken” in me.
We carried on for a few more months but eventually, the relationship came to an end. I still wonder what might have been in an ideal world. But I know to have continued in such a state would have ended in both of us getting hurt.
My only advice would be to allow the single mom to set the pace.
CustodialDad´s last blog ..Moving to a 50/50 custody arrangement
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
As the old saying goes after a divorce or the ending of a long term major relationship, people need time to heal. This time is called “the transitional phase.” When I was single the hardest part for me was not to be “the transitional dating guy.”
Short Answer: Assuming your goal is a long term marriage relationship, it is time to move on. Stay friends but the timing is all off and that’s part of the equation. Let me explain.
Long Answer: In a world with nearly 5 billion people, we seem to think that there is only one special person out there for us and when a relationship gets serious, we worry if this is the one. Great marriages, in my opinion, are built on two MAJOR themes: 1) high MUTUAL compatibility and 2) timing.
My view is a little different than most–much like buying a house. For starters, I was 27 YO when I started looking for a house. Up until that time, I lived in an apartment and didn’t have the money or maturity to be a homeowner. Once I started get serious, I fell in love with the first home I walked through. My parents and friends, with more home buying experience, adviced me NOT to buy that one but seek other homes before making a lifetime investment decision.
They were so right, after about 10 homes I realized I might need more rooms for kids, an office later in life, the location needed to be closer to an airport for my job and career. After 35 homes I found a home I REALLY loved and it had all of the above and was available.
Find someone you are really compatible with AND who is on your same timetable for marriage. I meet my wife 20 years ago, but it wasn’t until 9 years ago that the timing was right. Stay friends but move on.
Settling, picking the wrong home, or renting a house not truly for sale, is a bad financial investment. Good compatibility under the right timing equality a lifetime of good dividends.
Fred Campos / @FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..03/08/10 10 Hospital Tips for the Daddy To Be Part 2
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Honestly, sounds like the lady just isn’t ready to get seriously serious. Maybe she’s afraid to be vulnerable or to depend on you at the moment. She knows you care for her and are a good person, but she has so much more to risk and to loose than you can imagine. Its not just her heart, or finances, its her kid. Not loosing the kid, but messing up the kid, it keeps us single parents up at night.
There are so many statistics out there about how likely kids of single parents are to be abused by the mother’s significant other, and about how likely they are to turn out to be maladjusted criminals that as a single parent, any choice you make is terrifying in its potential to harm your kids.
I say that you need to step back and decide if you want to be in it for the long haul. If you do, then you need to give her space, but also make very clear that you don’t intend to go anywhere. And see what she does.
alley´s last blog ..Parenthood
Twitter @ mskat
Wow.
I had been divorced for a little over a year, I had 2 very young sons, a 2 and a 1/2 year old, and a 4 and a 1/2 year old.
I was introduced to a really great guy, we hit it off amazingly, he loved my sons.
He really loved me and my sons.
Man, typing this out is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
We were together and fabulous for almost 2 years.
Then my fears set in, I was not ready to be in a very committed relationship (his father asked me for my ring size, I knew what was coming) because I was terrified that if I said yes, that if we went any further into it, that eventually, he would leave too.
And if he left, it wasn’t just going to be me that got hurt, but my sons.
I slowly started pulling back, the ‘I love you’s’ became less frequent, I became very sad, depressed, I started pulling my sons back, not letting him play with them so much, telling him excuses like they needed to get to bed, whatever, just to pull them back from him.
We eventually drifted apart completely, things were done and said to hurt one another, to make it somehow, easier, to end it.
My sons and I did get hurt, but it was me who started it, me who caused it.
I still have not forgiven myself for that, for hurting my sons by taking away a man who loved them as his own, who wanted to be “Daddy”, he carried their pics in his wallet and showed them to people as “his boys, my future sons”, and I hurt them and him out of my own fear of being hurt.
How fucking irrational is that?!?!?
Anyway, I would tell him to pull back but remain friends, much like Mindy@SingleMomSays posted.
Who knows, eventually they may find themselves good again, or not, but to just rip the band-aid off now before it ends up hurting so much more later on.
Kat´s last blog ..Debating if I need it or not.
Twitter @ happyhealthyhip
This sounds oh-so familiar. Many single parents struggle with the balance between protecting themselves (from getting hurt again) and protecting their children (from getting too attached) while trying to enjoy the special moments and experience of being in a committed relationship.
The holidays are especially hard for many single parents and she might be pushing you away, thinking that she is protecting you by not letting you see her depressed, or down.
I think letting her know that you are there for her, and want to continue your relationship with her while also giving her the space she needs is important. Respecting her need to have some time to think about what she really wants – for herself, for her child and for you – will give you both insight into what the future might look like for everyone involved.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If your relationship is meant to last, she’ll realize that she wants you in her life as opposed to needing you. At the same time, you can step back and make sure that a future with her is what you’re looking for as well and that you’re prepared to give her the space, and time that she needs since her hesitation is most likely due to the fact that she does need more time to heal from the past.
hip_m0m´s last blog ..Blogger of the Year
Ummmmm….take the hint dude. She is not ready, clearly. You can’t jump out of an engagement to one man have his baby and in a little over a year later be ready to be serious with someone. She hasn’t even had time to really get to know motherhood and deal with the feelings from her failed relationship. Everything looks promising in the beginning but it takes time to get back to a place where you are comfortable giving yourself to another person. I would tell him to let it go and if it comes back then it was meant to be.
hip_mOm: Thanks for joining the conversation. It does seem that this single mom does need more time to heal. And absence can make the heart grow fonder. We’re all interested to hear what happens next in this romantic drama.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
What great timing for this post. Kat’s story totally hit home for me.I am so there. 5 years into my “new life” I am finally getting back to where I want to be. My finances are back on track, work is going well, I have the kids pretty much all the time and they are thriving, I’m moving back to my old neighborhood that I love into a terrific home, and I have finally sold my mid-life crisis/post divorce bad decision purchase.
Everything is falling into place just the way I always imagined and I am sharing my life with a wonderful woman who loves my kids and they love her. I’m only now able to think beyond today, beyond next week, and beyond next year but I’m still terrified. What if I’m wrong again? What if she breaks my heart or I break hers? Or my kids get hurt? How can I “know” for sure? So many questions even as we continue to get closer and closer.
As for the original question, if she’s pushing him away he should probably move on. 1 year after a broken engagement isn’t very long. I’ve never been one to think that fighting to stay in a relationship is worthwhile. Working things out is one thing, struggling to stay together that early on is another.
Twitter @ swatibharteey
I’m sorry to chime in with the same but I think it’s time to end it. For yourself so you can stop working so hard and move on; for her, so she can heal and really be open; and for her child, to whom you will get more attached and who will do the same with you.
She knows you are a terrific guy – both with her and with her child and that’s why it’s hard for her to end it – that’s so hard to find. But her heart isn’t in it and that’s not fair to you.
You have given her tons of space from what I read above – if that didn’t work, I think it’s time to gently end it, let her know you care, but you tell the timing is off.
I did once once date the sweetest, gentlest man ever as a single mom myself…but I wasn’t ready and really, I could never and would never have loved him. I just didn’t feel it and I ended it.
Be well,
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Relationship – Chapter Two (a short story)
Twitter @ modernlovemuse
As I read each of these comments, I’m reminded by how powerful a hold fear has on us. BUT – fears greatest enemy is confrontation!
To the father in question I would suggest this: TALK to her. Ask her what she is REALLY afraid of. Chances are, it is worry about how her daughter could suffer that is interfering with her willingness to be vulnerable.
I will also say this: Some single parents use their children as an excuse to not allow authentic, deep love to enter their lives again. It comes back to fear. Love and it’s aftermath can devastate some, and they become hardened to the possibility that love could ever be theirs again.
If he can remain her friend without feeling like an open wound everytime he’s with her, then I’d say go for it.
On the otherhand, he’s already fallen for her daughter as much as the mom, and maybe it’s a matter of pushing through that resistance. I say this because they’ve been dating long enough to suggest she’s no longer processing the loss of her marriage – fear of failure – but contemplating the consequences of a future – fear of success – with him. And that is knocking her to her knees.
Hope this helps. Best, Tinamarie Bernard
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
There is the possibility that the idea of him wanting to become serious and “daddy” is just scarey to her.
I know as a newly single mom [8 months and counting], getting into something serious is a SCAREY thought. I just want someone right now to go out and have fun with, snuggle on the couch, and give me bear hugs on my bad days. And of course get along with my kids. But I think if someone turned around and said they wanted to become a father figure, which might also send off the ringing sound of wedding bells, I would back off as well.
I had one guy, after one date, who was convinced we would get married and have more kids. I never went on another date with him again.
Jenni´s last blog ..Stop! [In the Name of Love]
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Cat: You wrote that comment as if it happened yesterday. Sounds like the feelings are still close… sending you a big hug!
Twitter @ http://www.parentaldrama.com
She just needs attention, and needs to be assured that are really there for her. Her self esteem has been battered that as many women out there once they have children and separate from the other parent, it becomes so hard for them to open up and be comfortable once they meet someone new. I’m 26 I once dated a woman 8 years older than me, the first day I met her she told me how old she was from there on she never stopped reminding me of that and how many kids she had (2 children), and questioning me what were my intentions with her; not once, not twice, several times that showed me how insecure she was…
I’m a single guy dating a divorced mother. I have a good relationship with my partner. We get along fine. I have met her son a few times and had no problems interacting and getting along with him. My problem: My family. My family does not approve of me dating this woman, especially my mother. I dont want to cause my family any problems, but I also dont want to let a great woman go. Help!
Rober: Your family is not living your life. You said it all …”I don’t want to let a great woman go …” In time your family will come around, especially when they see how happy you are – fingers crossed! Please keep us posted.
I have a similar situation dating a single mom of a nine-year-old girl… but I’ve chosen to confront and talk with her about her fears and concerns. We get along SO well. I gave her space for almost a month and it turned out to be too MUCH space. Both she and her daughter were missing me a lot, and it was obvious when we finally saw each other again. Absence DID make the heart grow fonder. I think the biggest problem is that her nine-year-old isn’t ready for a new daddy, even though her real daddy was physically violent with her mom and was arrested several times for DV offenses. He’s out of the picture now, with no parental rights, and mom said that when she does get married again, her new husband will have to want to adopt her daughter. That is no problem in my book, but even though the daughter and I get along great, whether laughing or talking serious, the daughter still says mom doesn’t need anyone else because she has her! She’s a kid and doesn’t understand her mom’s need for male companionship and affection. So, I think most of the reason mom wants to go slow is to give the daughter time to accept and trust a new man in their lives. But it can be hard, when you’re a single guy, not to get a bit lonely. Mom doesn’t have as much alone time since daughter is always there. So, it can be hard to hang on, but when I suggested that I just back off altogether mom said (strongly), “NO!” But at the same time she uses the phrase “baby steps” a lot, which says to me… go slow with us… but don’t leave. And I don’t want to leave, so I guess I’m resigned to giving the relationship more time. I just wish I had some advice on how to help mom overcome her fears after we talk and I find out what they are…
Dr. C: Thanks for joining the conversation. It’s a challenge to do “baby steps” when your feelings are so deep and genuine. We wish you well.
Twitter @ psychdaddy
Wanting to be in a relationship isn’t the same thing as being afraid to leave It sure sounds like she is frightened by committing and getting hurt again. Single guy can’t “save” her from this. This is her job. I think the comments about a friendly breakup are spot on. Getting on with life has a way of giving perspective. Maybe the message about the relationship is “not yet” rather than “never”. This relationship would be better off if both are there because they want to be together rather than because one (or both) is afraid to leave.