My young daughter wants to look *sexy* Help!
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Dads
A single dad who frequently stops by sent us a terse email yesterday. This single dad wants to know what to say to his nine-year-old daughter, who told him, “I want to look sexy.” Say what?
Here’s the story: This single dad is raising his third grader — and fifth grade son – solo. Their mom is out of the picture by choice, and this father is doing his best to parent alone. (We understand). So, the warmer weather is now here, and both kids need new spring and summer clothes. Dad had no trouble outfitting his son. But shopping with his daughter was a nightmare.
Dad did a bit of venting (this resonated with us): “Shopping with a tween daughter is exhausting. You can’t imagine how many racks of clothes we looked through. My daughter did not like this … she did not like that. We’re NOT on an unlimited time or money budget.”
So, this single dad finally insisted that his daughter find something in the store that she did like. She immediately pulled a couple pair of (super) short-shorts. And that’s when his daughter said the word “sexy.”
We wish we could offer this single dad fool proof advice on how to handle tween girl clothing angst. We’ve both battled our tween daughters’ pleadings for clothes we felt were not age appropriate. (And not always successfully.)
We both love fashion. And we love to shop. But, the push to make tween girls dress like provocative women on the prowl frustrates us. And these not age appropriate tween fashion trends are everywhere.
This single dad is frankly baffled by tween fashion. And he could use some advice from other parents. He’s also wondering if he missed an opportunity for important conversation when his daughter used the word *sexy*? After all, he does want her to feel free to talk to him about anything.
So, we’re asking you . . .
Can you relate to the tween clothing battles this single dad is facing?
How do you manage the conflict between what your daughter wants to wear — and what you feel is appropriate?
Should this concerned single dad try to find out what *sexy* means to his nine-year-daughter?
Or, should he just move onto the practical details of clothes shopping?
~~~~~~~
Thanks to Momversation for adding some common sense to this topic.
(Photo courtesy of Valcuric)
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
Related posts:
- “I’m hot” isn’t a weather report Like many of our readers, we are both the mothers of daughters. So, we understand firsthand what it means to...
- When Dad talks to his daughter about her period The dads who comment at Singlemommyhood continue to amaze us. You’re so present and genuine. And add so much to...
- My daughter says she’s fat. What do I do? “I need help!” began an email we received recently from the single mom of an eight-year-old. “My daughter was in...
- Has your daughter started dating? You might already know the single mom who wrote to us this week to ask for some advice. Her name...
Follow Singlemommyhood on Twitter
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
So one weekend, I discovered that the kids mother didn’t have any new clothes for the kids (They looked awful) and I told them I was taking to the mall, my girls were 13 and 14 at the time. So we were in the store, and I told them, “pick what ever you want, but you know what I expect, and I have ultimate veto power”
While I was in the middle of this adventure, my girlfriend at the time called and I told her what we were doing, she was shocked and asked if she could hear in on the conversations, so we played it up and was having fun with it when on my 13 year old walked up with a dress. “Nope, find something else,” “BUT DAD! It’s so pretty” “Nope… try again, you know my rules”
It literally took them about three attempts of trying to get dresses that were low cut, up to their mid thighs, and too sheer before they stopped asking.
I didn’t get upset, I didn’t get over dramatic, and mostly I jokingly reminded them why those clothes were terrible, causing my girls to laugh.
I just kept reaffirming what I told them in the beginning, “You know what I expect, does that really fit what I expect?” Making so I made them think about it, and sure enough they stopped asking and started looking for the appropriate dresses.
All I could hear on the phone was sounds, sighs, laughter and compliments. It dawned on me at the time, not only I was I benefiting my kids at the time by reminding them to stay within the appropriate clothing, but my girlfriend thought it was impressive as a father that I was able to manage it with ease.
Figuring out how to handle the clothes while shopping with your girls, keeping your requirements in check, and doing it with a sense of humor, sure does pay off.
Travis´s last blog ..This Thought Brought To You By Pansies
Twitter @ http://iamagrownup.wordpress.com
My 9 year old wants to keep up with fashion. She’s not used the word sexy and most of the things she’s brought to me are perfectly fine. She has some shorts that I won’t allow her to wear outside of the house and I have vetoed some clothes she picked out at Justice.
If my daughter used the word “sexy” I would definitely try to find out exactly what that means to her. I would sit down and discuss why that’s not appropriate for girls her age. However, how do you do that without having to explain that sex is a recreational activity? My daughter currently thinks it’s just for making babies. I’ve not told her otherwise, because I figure she’ll come to me with more questions all in due time. We are very open and she knows she can come to me with anything (at least I hope she does, and I’ve told her). Anyhow…I like the previous commenter and what he did. He laid out some rules and expected his kids to abide by them, no ifs ands or buts. I may do that if they start to get crazy with their clothing choices.
I’m sorry you are struggling with this. It’s scary to realize our girls are getting to the age where this stuff is going through their minds.
KT´s last blog ..it’s like riding a bike
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I’ve commented on this issue many times and it hits me almost every time I take my kids shopping. I have the added issue of having a daughter who doesn’t fit the standard sizes so finding clothes that fit can be challenging. She knows exactly how I feel about shorts and skirts that are too short and society’s (or is it actually the fashion industry) insistance on sexualizing everything. There’s a huge difference between what a grown woman chooses to to wear and a child being dressed to look like an adult. I could really go on a rant because this is a pet peeve of mine. The people at the stores act like I’m crazy for wanting clothes that go to mid thigh or lower instead of micro mini.
Last summer she really wanted a bikini and we compromised with a tankini because the rest of the girls in her class had two piece suits and bottoms with a rash guard type shirt appeased her desire to fit in. I’m sure as she gets older I’ll get push back from what she wants/peer pressure and what I will buy her. My feeling is that as long as I’m making it clear why I don’t like these clothes in addition to directing her to other stuff that’s more appropriate and more flattering hopefully she’ll make good decisions herself when that time comes.
It’s a tough issue but I really think it’s important that all parents stand their ground on this. Too many just don’t care about clothing and the message it can send.
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
The PIT has been picking out her own clothes since she was 11 months old. It rarely matches but whatever….it’s her own little style. As she’s getting older her fashion still rarely ever matches, she’s bit punky brewster-ish, in her own way. She’s a girly girl and loves dresses but somedays she wants to be a ‘tomboy’ so she sports a Twins shirt and pigtails…somedays I have no effing clue what she was thinking when creating an outfit.
The PIT used that word ‘sexy’ once. I told her that if she ever said that again her tongue would fall right out of her mouth. Obviously, she knew I was full of shit so I explained that ‘sexy’ is not a term to be used about 8 year olds. ‘Sexy’ is an adult term…not a kid term. Kids are cute, adorable, stunning, fabulous and maybe even divalicious but never ever sexy.
The only shorts that are too effing short are those damn track shorts. I tried to get her to wear tights under them but apparently that would be ‘so lame mama’ …..fine, but dont push your luck little lady;)
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..One for team #TMI
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Yes, definitely find out what the word “sexy” means to her.
I’ve also told my daughters that “sexy” is meant to draw in adult men. And they don’t want to do that at ages 8 and 5.
To which they both replied, “Ewwwww! Gross!”
And I said, “exactly.”
Ultimate veto power. Yes. We all have that as parents. Use it.
T´s last blog ..All I know
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
When you get older, you can wear make-up like mommy. When your turns comes, you can drive like mommy. When you start working at a real job, you can own a house like mommy does. When you get older, you can wear adult clothes. Right now, it’s your turn to look young and cute….
My daughter gets it. She’s allowed to wear make-up in the house—but must remove it when outside. She’s allowed to wear my high heals–but must remove it when she’s outside. It’s clear—the line is clear.
Goodness, sexy—oh no! I like how one parent mentioned…sexy grownups and cute is for children. I also like another parent saying that sexy draws men to you (ewwww….perfect response!).
avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ sofiabellatween
I would definitely start a conversation about what “sexy” means. Young girls today are bombarded with images-movies, music videos, tv, ads, lyrics of pop songs, the internet etc. Pop culture is sending the message that outward beauty and overt sexuality are what is important. It is imperative that young girls develop a strong sense of self and acquire the skills necessary to be able to sift through the messages and images that are coming at them and to be able decipher their true meaning. Not an easy task for one so young and impressionable. She will need your help, support and guidance along the way. And if that means saying “no” when she wants to buy clothing that is not age appropriate so be it. But be sure to explain why you are not comfortable with her choices. Explain to her that the clothing we wear sends a message to others about how we feel about ourselves and about how we want to be treated. Wearing skimpy clothing is asking for a type of attention that, at the age of 9, she does not fully understand is ill-equipped to handle.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
I agree that it should be talked about. Where is she getting the term “sexy” from, and what does she feel it means? And especially how does sexy look to her?
My girls are only 4 and 5, but as a mother I seen these tween girls and really have to wonder WHY thier parents would let them dress like little adults. And I have lost count of the number of times I’ve thought a girl is older than they actually are, based soley on how they look and how they’re dressed.
And she’s only 9-years-old. She is young enough that dad can pull that, “You follow my rules” card. Set a standard of how you expect them to be dressed, and leave it that. And then set an age, where you allow them to put more input on their clothes.. eventually she’ll reach a age, where dad really wont have a say.
Seriously.. there is no reason for tweens to be wearing form fitting skirts or booty shorts.
Jenni´s last blog ..C + D = ME
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I’m so glad that this topic was brought up. I’ve already experience shopping with my 11 year old daughter, and that was exhausting. But I know there will come a time when she’s visiting me and either wears something I disapprove of or wants to buy something I disapprove of.
I’m enjoying reading the comments, because right now I don’t know how I’d handle the situation and it’s good to think about.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..Same ol’ situation
Twitter @ MomMaven
I have 2 teenage sons but I have worked with the girls of our church for years, teaching classes on purity and modesty. The best resources for educating your daughter on the “Whys” of modesty are found at PureFreedom.org, specifically for tweens is the Secret Keeper Girls skg.com and their free downloadable Truth or Bare fashion test for seeing if the clothes your daughter wants to buy are appropriate or not. The downloads can be found here http://blog.secretkeepergirl.com/?page_id=42. I don’t work for or get kickbacks from Pure Freedom, they just have the best resources IMHO.
Cindy Schultz´s last blog ..California Grill Celebrates 15 Years of Deliciousness
If my daughter used the word “sexy” I would definitely try to find out exactly what that means to her. I would sit down and discuss why that’s not appropriate for girls her age. However, how do you do that without having to explain that sex is a recreational activity? My daughter currently thinks it’s just for making babies. I’ve not told her otherwise, because I figure she’ll come to me with more questions all in due time. We are very open and she knows she can come to me with anything (at least I hope she does, and I’ve told her). Anyhow…I like the previous commenter and what he did. He laid out some rules and expected his kids to abide by them, no ifs ands or buts. I may do that if they start to get crazy with their clothing choices.
+1
Twitter @ That_One_Mom
My daughter and I have this argument at least once a week. She is 9 as well. We have clothes rules here. She knows that short shorts and skimpy shirts are totally off limits and skirts and dresses must come mid-thigh. That certainly doesn’t stop her from pushing the envelope.
I would definitely ask your daughter what “sexy” means. It is important that the two of you are on the same wavelength as far as that goes. My daughter knows that I have the last word on the clothes that she wears and if she tries to be sneaky, her teachers know my standards, too.