When Father’s Day is a parenting crisis
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
Our active and growing Twitter community keeps us instantly up to date on what matters to YOU. And we love that fact! Feel free to Tweet us anytime something is on your mind. So, this recent DM from a single mom really grabbed our attention:
“Father’s Day is fast approaching. What do you suggest a solo parent say when the schools start making gifts/cards for dads?”
We understand. (As solo parents, we’ve both coped with Father’s Day in different ways.) So, we contacted this single mom — who asked to remain anonymous — to ask for more information about her particular parenting situation.
Here’s what she told us:
She has two children with different biological fathers. Her eight-year-old daughter’s father calls about once a month and he sees his daughter once or twice a year. She has never had any real problems with Father’s Day because she knows her dad — and this mom makes an effort to call him on that day so she can talk to him. Her four-year-old son, on the other hand, has never met his father because they broke up when she was pregnant. And he’s made no effort to stay in contact with his son.
This got us emotional. “Father’s Day has never been a part of my son’s life,” she tell us. “Until now. This week, both his preschool and daycare will make Father’s Day gifts. I’m worried that my son is going to start asking about his Dad. And he’ll feel heartbroken when he realizes he has no one to whom he can give his Father’s Day gifts.”
Please offer this single mom some advice:
How should she handle the inevitable Father’s Day gift-making when Dad has chosen to be absent from his child’s life?
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Photo courtesy of Riccoh
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Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Four is a tricky age because there can be a wide variation in maturity from one child to the next. I’m sure he’s aware that other children have a father that lives with them and he doesn’t. It may be time to start talking about choices and the fact that his father wasn’t ready to be a parent but it has nothing to do with the child. Or, it may be enough to just pick a “father figure” to make gifts for and not make a fuss about it. She knows her child best and what he’s able to understand. My advice would be to follow his lead and answer whatever questions he asks honestly but not try to make trauma where there is none.
This might get me stoned on here but whenever I hear someone say they broke up while she was pregnant and the father has never made an effort to be involved, I can’t help wondering if the mother made any effort to allow him to be involved. Maybe it’s time to reach out and just let him know that his son has reached an age where he’s starting to ask questions and give him the chance to step up. A lot can change in four years and maybe he’s realizing now what he’s missing but he doesn’t know how to fix it.
wondermom´s last blog ..Knife to the heart
Twitter @ TXsunDWN
Sometimes you need to look at the alternative Father Figures in you son’s life. Grandpa, god-father, uncle, a good family friend – biology does not make a “Father”. I think the greeting card industry is even getting this. Have you seen the “Like A Father” “Like A Mother” sections. Business found a new market to tap. I would also discuss that two weeks before with your son’s teacher (confrence or email) to let them know your situation.
Twitter @ EATDRINKDIVORCE
Talk to the child with as much honesty and integrity as you can. Truth can be told even to children. Then Mommy has to begin to build a village to give her children a sense of family. Not having a biological Dad around doesn’t have to mean crisis or heart-break. Perhaps their is an Uncle, or Grandfather, or Brother who can stand in that role. Perhaps volunteering to make cards for someone in an Assisted Care facility or retirement community.
Have a conversation with the teacher and suggest perhaps they make cards for the Troops overseas so that all children get to “Adopt a Dad in Service to America” And that can be something the Mom can spearhead.
Rather than see this as a problem, change your mind and cultivate a solution that gives the child a sense of inclusion in this holiday and you get to take some of the drama out of it.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..AN EVENING MEAL PRAYER
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
I think it’s worth talking to both the school and the daycare and ask them to be a bit more inclusive. Surely there are other families who deal with these issues.
My daughter’s daycare doesn’t push either holiday. They have a date in between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day where they celebrate families.
I am a single parent and my daughter is adopted (she knows she is adopted). She is 5 and at first “I” had a hard time with fathers day. Her preschool does make father day and mother days presents. The fathers day presents sometime go to her papa (her grandfather) or to her godfather. Sometimes she doesn’t give them to anyone and I put them away. Even though she is 5 she understands as much as she can at this age that she doesn’t have a father. I have always been honest with her and make sure that there are men in her life so she will always have that man figure around. This year they were making father days gifts early and papa was coming to visit. She wanted him to have what she was making and her teacher let her bring it home so that she could give it too him. Each family is different and each family will handle it differently. In this day in age where there are sometimes mom and dad, or mom and mom or dad and dad or just one parent we all have to adapt.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
If he’s asking questions, I would gently approach the subject. Kind of like a, “You’re dad just wasn’t ready to be a dad” type of conversation. Obviosly because of his age, I wouldn’t go into much more detail.
I also agree with the comment about approaching his school a daycare. Let them know the situation. Then maybe they can include father-figures like Grandpas and Uncles into the gift making process as well. A school and daycares jobs is to cater to every child’s needs, as well as teach them. So I would hope they would sensitive to his situation and feelings.
Jenni´s last blog ..No. I Don’t Want More Babies.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Yes, I agree. Now is when you build that village with healthy father figures (if you haven’t already) so that your son will have someone to give those homemade Father’s Day gifts too.
T´s last blog ..Sexy Sharing
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
There are two things I want to mention:
One, when I was trained to become a teacher at San Francisco State University, I was told not to have “Mother’s Day” or “Father’s Day” per se, but rather have, “Honor your Favorite Woman or Man’s Day” instead. Makes more sense to me and it’s more inclusive.
Second, as a teacher at a school that has community functions such as “Dad’s for Donuts” and “Muffins for Moms”—I fought all school year-long with the PTA to change the name—I’ve had quiet-side battles where the principal has told me several times to quiet down–I refused (my daughter also attends to my school and she has a father who is hardly in the picture)–anyway, we finally came up with a compromise: Muffins for Moms and Gals; Donuts for Dads and Dudes (not perfect, but much less isolating).
This is a topic the mother can quietly approach to the teacher—asking if cards can be encouraged to make for any man they want. This idea may be new—it was for many members of the PTA—and many slowly came around. In the end, a lot of parents thanked me for making them aware. Try it, it might work.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
That’s a hard one. I have three boys with two bio-dads in the picture. One is in and out of their lives, when he’s in he sees all three boys, when he’s out we don’t hear from him for months at a time.
Those times are hard on the boys, especially my older one. I tend to handle holidays that fall during those times by telling them that their dad loves them, but that sometimes he has a hard time making good choices and that when eh can he will be back. Sometimes my older sons will save presents they make for him, other times they give them to other people in their lives or keep them to enjoy themselves.
I think the important thing for me with my boys is to 1) aknowlegde that the situation is different from other situations and 2) that sometimes it can make them feel a little sad.
But . . .
I also share things with my boys that make me a little sad and show them that its ok to have things that make you sad and still be a mostly happy person. So, they might have a few “sad” minutes, but then they bounce off to be little boys.
As parents we set the tone for these things. If we are morose and unhappy, they will be too. If we let them feel what they feel, but don’t insist on defining our relationships or ourselves as victims, they wont either.
alley´s last blog ..Things
Twitter @ KatWilder
First of all, i have to acknowledge what wondermom said; some moms do write the dads out of their kid’s life. Whenever that happens, in whatever way that happens (and I know I pissed off a lot of choice moms lately) the kids lose.
I think the onus is on single moms to approach the teachers first — we all know when Father’s Day is coming up, right? — and tell him or her that this might be a sensitive time for your child because he/she is (adopted, a choice kid, or whatever). Then, perhaps the teacher can, face to face, ask the child if there’s someone he or she would like to make the card for — grandpa? Uncle Bob?
The teacher can also talk to the class about dads and other special men in all of our lives; if we’re trying to destigmatize single parenthood, then it’s our job to get the discussion going.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..My “yes dear” relationship
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Kat: That’s SUCH a good idea about talking to your child’s teacher(s) before any family-oriented holiday. I feel blessed to be raising my child in the Bay Area, where teachers are so open-minded about “different” kinds of families… But I certainly know this is not true everywhere. Thanks for the suggestion to communicate with you child’s teacher.
And if you haven’t yet read the comment from a teacher and single mom, below — @Avigail — go for it!
My daughter’s preschool teacher was so much more sensitive and better at handling the situation than her recent Kindergarten teacher. I politely reminded the K teacher that not only are some children from single parent homes, but one child in particular had lost his mother to cancer, and from the dad I knew that the boy was particularly sensitive about this. She then advised the children that they could make cards for ANY female or male relative(s) who they wished to acknowledge on the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day holidays.
The issue came up again when the children each had to make a collage of their families. I was horrified; how would we fill up an entire poster board with just her and me? We ended up including her grandparents and godfather, and it’s facilitated good conversations about exactly what a family is.
Twitter @ KatWilder
Yikes! I didn’t see that she had said that!
But, I’d hate to have it not be called Mother’s or Father’s Day. We are watering down everything so it’s all so friggin’ PC!
That said, schools in general just don’t “get” even things like divorce, ie. the mom always gets called/e-mailed for things, never the dad (even if they have his number/e-mail), the forms list primary house (uh, my kid has two of them! Both equal!), etc.
But even other parents don’t get it; how many e-vites for birthday parties do we single moms get … and never the dads, even though everyone knows the parents are divorced and the kid lives at two houses? It’s … so … frustrating.
Still, it’s up to us to take charge. No wonder why we’re so tired!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..My “yes dear” relationship
Twitter @ _katarena_
I would say definitely talk to your son’s teacher. You don’t have to give her details, just let her know that “dad” is not in the picture & ask if she would be willing to encourage your son to make a card for a grandpa or uncle.
I’m fortunate that I live in a very small town & J has been at the same daycare for 2 years, his teacher knows our situation & is very understanding. J always does a card for his “papa”, my dad, for Father’s day.
One other suggestion, talk to your son about how all families are different. This is one thing that my son & I talk about regularly. Some homes have a mom & dad, some have 2 moms, some just have a dad, etc. It has really helped and bc J is surrounded by family that loves him he’s never felt like he’s missing anything. I know as he gets older we’ll have to talk about his dad, but at 3.5 this has worked really well for us.
Kate´s last blog ..Thursday Randoms
Twitter @ http://jeanieinparadise.blogspot.com
I think when days like Mothers or Fathers Day comes up, it is an ideal opening for the every family situation is different lessons in life.
The teacher should not be hardline on it being “Mother” or “Father”, especially if these roles are poorly or underfilled in his/her classroom – but I also think when we totally ignore these events, we lose an opportunity for children who come from different family makeups to understand that nuclear is not the only option – and for children (and parents) who come from nuclear to understand that if a child is from a different family makeup, that in no way means they come from a lesser one.
My daughter was blessed – she didn’t have her own father in her life from a very young age – but she did have FOUR excellent uncles – 2 each side -, several family friends and a grandfather who have all had strong roles in her life. Since she was 8, she has also had a stepfather – but she and I still makes sure that ALL of her father figures get acknowledged.
It takes a village – and the village should get their days…
jeanie´s last blog ..Splice Yarn
Twitter @ mominapt10b
I feel every kid deserves to know he/she has a father, even the mom doesn’t want them to. To me, this is the perfect time to integrate/introduce the concept of fathers, if they don’t already know. You cannot deny your child her father if she stays in school. She will befriend others who have their dads and she’ll come home from a sleepover admiring them.. Discussing them.. Observing their relationships with their daughters. I was never married to my child’s father. My daughter learned early on that the conflict I had with her father has been settled within my own consciousness. On school consent forms, “n/a” was marked in the spaces for father’s info. If gifts or events for dad came up, her uncles filled in. Or.. you child could make gifts for her dad and save them for him, or send them to him.. His mother or other relative. It just might make a difference! You never know.
I wouldn’t fret about it. Children don’t get born into the world without a mother AND a father.
Jackie´s last blog ..Standing in the Gap
Twitter @ http://mommytothemonsters.com
I’m a solo mom….My kids are adopted and thus have no father or father figures for that matter….
I am thankful that I have never had to deal with this issue…school is out here by the time Father’s Day comes around, so we don’t have to deal with the school’s making cards/ presents for father’s day…and when they were in daycare full time they were at a very small home daycare and they never really emphasized mother’s or father’s day…
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..Pagan Christianity
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Heather: Thanks for pointing out that Father’s Day can sometimes more challenging for US (as single moms), but perhaps it is not such a big deal for our little kids. Maybe starting with our own sadness and/or disappointment is a good place to start. Thank you!
Twitter @ lindamicciche
I do both jobs. My daughter and I are a team. But I do both mommy and daddy jobs, sometimes she even calls me daddy, as a joke… She’s five. I get momsday….and dad-day.
Linda: Too funny! Actually my children (my “babies” are now grown-up) and I used to celebrate Father’s Day in the very same way. I did both jobs; I got both celebrations. Have a wonderful Father’s Day! You deserve it.