Breaking up when you’re pregnant
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships
We received this upsetting e-mail from a pregnant first-time single mom:
“My boyfriend seemed to share my joy about having a baby. We’d been talking about starting a family for a while now, and he knew that I was trying. My sister has fertility issues, so postponing trying to conceive seemed a foolish gamble.”
“But last night, he told me that he wants to break-up. He was going on about wanting to move to a different part of the country. He didn’t offer any real explanations. I’m devastated — and have no idea what to do next.”
We’re both so sorry for the emotional pain this single mom must be feeling right now. Here’s what Dr. Leah has to say:
Take time to think back on the conversations you had about your fertility concerns. Even though he “enthusiastically participated” in your baby’s conception, there were likely tell-tale signs that this man was not ready to commit to fatherhood.
Of course, there are no guarantees in life. Perhaps your pregnancy stirred up painful feelings in your boyfriend, and he sees fleeing or breaking up as the only way out.
This abandonment probably feels like a sudden death in the family. In a sense, you might feel widowed — but perhaps more unsettled and bewildered, because widows at least know that their partners did not want to abandon them.
Since your boyfriend is offering no real explanation, you’re likely tormenting yourself wondering if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Truthfully, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this break-up.
Yet sou can do something now.
Stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault.
It’s likely that this man would have left at some point. It is better to know now so you have time to plan your life without being shackled to a guy who in his heart has one foot out the door.
The good news is that you are in control of your life now.
Get the support you deserve. Tell your physician or health care provider immediately about the emotional turmoil you feel.
Reach out to friends and family. If you really need to vent, or your emotions are interfering with taking care of your health, counseling is your best choice. “Male bashing” might feel good now, but remember that you’re talking about your baby’s father. Keep what is said to family and friends in bounds.
We’d love to know:
Did you face a break-up during your pregnancy?
Do you have any advice to offer to this distraught single-mom-to-be?
(Photo courtesy of Matt Garland)
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Reading all these comments has made me feel better. I am 9weeks pregnant and the father moved out of town supposedly to make his life better. From what I can tell he is living it up over there. He barely has a full schedule and the money that he does make at his silly job goes directly to himself. To top things off we already have two daughters and now that I think about it I have pretty much been raising them on my own. I’m just glad that I have a family that helps me out. I am thankful for them.
Grace: We’re here to support and comfort each other. Please visit us often. And take good care of you!
I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and 10 months. I discoverd that I am pregnant 3 weeks after we have broken up. I was very hesitant to tell him, but I did and he said that he would be involved. I don’t know if I should keep this from him. He has made a lot of promises to me when we were together and I do not want him to do that to our child. He is very sneaky and manipulative. A week after we broke up, he has a new girlfriend. I don’t know if I want my child around that. He said his girlfriend will leave him when things are confirmed and we could give our relationship a second try, but I don’t know… I am very confused and I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. I am in my last year of college and I want the best for my baby. I still love him very much, but sometimes love is just not enough. I don’t think he will be committed like he said because he has failed me in the past.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@RSNewMomma2B: Welcome to Singlemommyhood, and thank you for your very open comment. We’re wondering if you might get some support right now from your school? Say, a school counselor or support group? You deserve to have some extra support right now, as you make some big decisions. Please stay in touch!
My fiancee an I have been together for 2 years on and off.I am now bout 12 weeks pregnant and he seemed kinda joyful but scared at the same time.he’s been talking about ‘getting away’ for a while and he did yesterday.Woke up me very early in the morning saying that he got a call from a family member and he had to go because someone was in the hospital.I called and texted him throughout the day to ‘see what was going on’.He tells me he’s over there for his family and this and that but when I called him via a private number he was wide awake with a group of friends,partying away.I have a doctors appointment this Friday,he knows,and said I was making a big deal out of him not being there and that he’ll just stay over there since its “just some blood and an ultrasound”.
This is my first child,and I naturally want the best for it,I’ve talked to some ladies at school and they both say he’s just running away because he’s scared but I think there’s more to it.He doesn’t work,says hell never be able to find a job,wants everything to be his way and if I can’t deal with it to just find another guy.I don’t have many gfs to go to so I truly feel alone.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Welcome @glad2bmommy! We send you a big virtual hug right now. We encourage you to reach out and get some support — from your girlfriends, family, or perhaps a support group. Please stay in touch.
I was in a relationship with a man for the past year and half. I was a Mother to his Daughter etc… Several months ago his Mother passed away and then he started changing for the worse. He became very confortational with everyone including me. Then he started accusing me of cheating on him . I spend all my weekends with him and spoke to him constantly on the phone all day so where he got this idea from I don’t know. The ultimate for me was on my birthday he cause a scene in front of my Daughter and Family saying that he thought I was cheating etc…. After that I eneded things with him. He apoligized but I stood my ground. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. First he pushed for me to have a abortion,which I refused. Then He keep saying that he could not be a pt Dad, he needed time to sort things out ,which I gave him. Then I found out he was the one cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend Laura. She was already staying over his house 1 week after we broke up. All the false accusations he had made of me to everyone ,he was guilty of. I was livid and found Laura on Facebook and sent her a email telling her what was going on. She was upset because he had lied to her and never told her about me or the Baby. But she stayed with him anyway. He then started calling me making threats to get me. “why could I not let him be happy with Laura ,he loved her ,never loved me”. Now it’s been more than a month and I have had no contact with him. He even changed his telephone numbers because Laura asked him too. I don’t understand women why would you get involed with a man that lied to you about having a girlfriend and having a new child on the way. Time is slowly healing all the wounds. I plan on contacting him once the Baby is born to do a DNA test and request that he sign away all parental rights.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Bianca: Thank you for sharing your story with us. We hope you’re surrounding yourself with lots of healthy, positive support right now. Please keep in touch with us.
I was in a relationship just shy of 8 years. I am the mother of his two children and very unexpectedly found out we were expecting another despite using protection and birthcontrol. We both were in shock. He started staying out all night and not coming home and picking fights with me more often and eventually wouldn’t even touch me. I am now 26weeks pregnant with our third child and he walked out on us 21days ago. I am so torn inside and some days are better than others. I often find myself crying and just can’t seem to get out of this depression. I have not told very many people other than my sister and my parents who help me very much with our other two children. We had broken up to other times for a about a month each and reconcilied, but that was over 5 years ago. I just feel alone, embarrased, and not in control of my life. I went and saw a lawyer a week ago to weigh my options of custody if I decide I need to go that route. Part of me wants him back so bad, cause we have been through so much and it just tears me up inside to think another woman can have the good side of him after I put in all the hard work. I just feel so lost, part of me wants him to come back and part of me wants to win full custody and never have to deal with or see him again. Because we were never married I would have to place my children through DNA testing and my older two through mediation hearings and I feel they have been through enough already. How do I move on and be at peace with my self, him, and what has happened? He didn’t really offer any explanation when he left, just kept saying that I didn’t love him any more and his feelings had changed for me. That is not the case as much as I wish I didn’t I still love him very much.
Ashley: I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Despite your unplanned pregnancy and all the terrible stress in your life, you are doing an incredible job figuring out your options and trying your best.
You’re a great mom!
So many us can totally relate to the conflicts you feel. You want sole custody and never to see him again. And, then, you feel this incredible connection to him. These “opposite feelings” are completely normal. Feeling out of control, embarrassed, and quite alone are painful, but also perfectly normal for a woman facing a break-up while pregnant.
I do want to let you know that another woman will NOT have “the good side of him” after you’ve “put in all the hard work”. It really does not work that way. He’s got to take himself every where he goes …if you stay together, you’ll get the same guy back. If you break-up, the next woman will get the same guy you know …not a new and improved version.
Please know that you are not alone. If you want to comment again and just vent, please feel free. Please stay in touch with us. We’re rooting for you. And care what happens to you. ((BIG HUG))
I am almost 5 months pregnant and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me over the phone. He is 33 and told me he can date someone who is 20 and that he never wanted me or a baby with me in the first place. I’m now seeing a counsellor dealing with the impact of the verbal abuse on top of the pregnancy. There are so many ups and downs with me wondering how can anybody turn their back on their own child BUT am excited about the power I forgot I had over my own life. I am excited to meet my baby in just 4 months and honestly, I know now which took me a process to get too…… it’s the ex that loses. I am shocked with how many similar stories there are out there and I hope that all of you women out there know that you are very brave to take your own life back and raise your child(ren) on your own. Much love.
teesha: Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. As you can see, you are NOT alone. Grab on to that power you do have over your own life. So happy you’re seeing a counselor. You’re already a terrific mom! Please come by and visit us often. We care about you. ((BIG HUG)) Much love to you, too.
I am 9 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend of two years is now too busy to even pick up my phone call.He is never there for me anymore; he is travelling on all weekends and I cant get in touch to find out how he is doing.Yet he confesses to love me. When I informed him of antenatal clinic, he just ignored and was never concerned.To me this is an indication that he is not interested in me anymore.At the moment, there is no communicatiion for two weeks now.I’m so traumatised; what should I do?
Twitter @ 44andpreggers
At this point you are feeling horrible and alone, but it it BEST that you found out now that he is an irresponsible half-man. Just imagine the kind of father and partner he would be.
TRUST that you will eventually find a good man, but for now focus on your BEAUTIFUL baby and the fact that you are going to be a great mom. There are resources. Find support groups of other moms. BUT whatever you do, do not hang out with a bunch of single moms who are going to sit around and dwell on negative things. If you do that, hate will become like an anchor in your heart. It’s OK to acknowledge that he’s a jerk and that you are hurt. Cry when you feel the urge. But just don’t let it take over.
Make friends with people who will give you the kind of love and support you need… and who will make you laugh on occasion.
from the proud daughter of a single mom!
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@44andpreggers: We really appreciate hearing from adults who were raised by single moms. Thanks!
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Maura…9 weeks and traumatized by your bf of 2 years who “confesses” he loves you. Look, any man can tell you he loves you but the man that actually does love you….won’t have to confess shit. You’ll know because he will prove it to you. Your bf has proven something to you but it’s not love. He’s clearly not man enough to love you…ask yourself if he’s man enough to be a father. At this point…it’s entirely in your hands. You can give him the honor of being a father if you truly want that kind of man in your life forever. Or you can walk the fuck away with your head held high and YOUR baby growing inside you. You’d be surprised at how strong motherhood makes you. Trust your gut. The hurt you feel when he walks in & out is only a shred of the pain a child feels when their father walks in & out of their lives forever. (My dads a come & go kinda guy. We barely speak) You’re not alone. Not even when you’re certain you are. There are good days and they’re are bad…but there isn’t a day of motherhood that I haven’t truly enjoyed, appreciated and thanked God for. You’re better than his bullshit girlie. And there are a lot of us out here willing to listen, offer advise, share stories or help however we can…
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