Breaking up when you’re pregnant
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Featured, Relationships
We received this upsetting e-mail from a pregnant first-time single mom:
“My boyfriend seemed to share my joy about having a baby. We’d been talking about starting a family for a while now, and he knew that I was trying. My sister has fertility issues, so postponing trying to conceive seemed a foolish gamble.”
“But last night, he told me that he wants to break-up. He was going on about wanting to move to a different part of the country. He didn’t offer any real explanations. I’m devastated — and have no idea what to do next.”
We’re both so sorry for the emotional pain this single mom must be feeling right now. Here’s what Dr. Leah has to say:
Take time to think back on the conversations you had about your fertility concerns. Even though he “enthusiastically participated” in your baby’s conception, there were likely tell-tale signs that this man was not ready to commit to fatherhood.
Of course, there are no guarantees in life. Perhaps your pregnancy stirred up painful feelings in your boyfriend, and he sees fleeing or breaking up as the only way out.
This abandonment probably feels like a sudden death in the family. In a sense, you might feel widowed — but perhaps more unsettled and bewildered, because widows at least know that their partners did not want to abandon them.
Since your boyfriend is offering no real explanation, you’re likely tormenting yourself wondering if there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Truthfully, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this break-up.
Yet sou can do something now.
Stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault.
It’s likely that this man would have left at some point. It is better to know now so you have time to plan your life without being shackled to a guy who in his heart has one foot out the door.
The good news is that you are in control of your life now.
Get the support you deserve. Tell your physician or health care provider immediately about the emotional turmoil you feel.
Reach out to friends and family. If you really need to vent, or your emotions are interfering with taking care of your health, counseling is your best choice. “Male bashing” might feel good now, but remember that you’re talking about your baby’s father. Keep what is said to family and friends in bounds.
We’d love to know:
Did you face a break-up during your pregnancy?
Do you have any advice to offer to this distraught single-mom-to-be?
(Photo courtesy of Matt Garland)
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I should have dealt with my breakup while I was pregnant. I caught my husband cheating on me (literally) when I was pregnant… But I was too scared t deal with it. I stayed until after the baby was born, not telling any one what was going on. I didn’t even tell my doctor. That was silly. I needed help and support, and I got none.
This girl needs to do herself a favor and get all the support she can. She needs to feel like she’s not alone and get the confidence to know that she can do this! She is better off without the jerk. A man who will walk out on his pregnant wife or girlfriend will do many other cowardly things. Better to know now.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I too should have left during pregnancy… To the girl, I know it feels like the world is ending, I know that the thought of going into the delivery room alone seems like and insurmountable task, but you CAN do this. Start reaching out to friends and family to your physician, and join single mom’s groups…build your support system. Brace yourself, more disappointment could be in the cards, so many of my ex’s and my mutual friends turned their back on me and it was more devastating than the break up! At least for me. But when you actually have the baby you don’t want false friends around, so its better to know now. Reevaluate your friend criteria, I found many problems with mine and build a network of real support!
Samantha´s last blog ..Progress, not perfection
My now-ex and I had been married for 8 years and already had one child together when I discovered I was pregnant again. When I told him, he basically said he didn’t want anymore kids and that if I chose to continue the pregnancy I’d be raising this one on my own. I should have kicked his arse to the door right then. I didn’t, but I did continue the pregnancy and he pretty much kept his word. Even though we were still together, he had little to do with the pregnancy or either of the kids after that. It took 3 more years to end our marriage. I agree with the others, she’s better off finding out the truth now. It hurts and the hormones probably aren’t helping much, but in the end it’s easier to raise the child by yourself then to try to force the boyfriend to be/do something he’s just not equipped for or willing to do at this point in his life. Rally your support group and concentrate on what you do have – the gift of a beautiful child coming soon. Stay positive and keep focused on the good stuff. I know it’s easier said than done, but grieve and then move on. You’ve got better things to do, like wash your hair, rub vitamin E into your belly and feast on ice cream and pickles.
CJ´s last blog ..Fun and Goals
Wow…I thought I was going to be the only one saying that this might be a blessing in disguise. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I knew that the guy I was dating was not father/husband material. It was a fluke that I got pregnant despite using birth control (antibiotics and it wasn’t as widely known back then). When I told my boyfriend, I gave him the option to walk away. I wish he had. He insisted that he wanted to be a father. I told him up front that I could take care of me and our child financially but I wasn’t going to support him. He would have to get a job. So, he joined the Army. Fast forward…hormones, exhaustion, single working mom with a newborn back at work in 6 weeks…We ended up getting married when I broke down and said “If you have a justice of the peace there on your next leave weekend, I’ll marry you.” I came out of the fog a few months later and knew it was the wrong thing long term.
I tried to make it work. He just wasn’t responsible. He barely made it through his 3 year committment to the military. Then it got worse. I repeated that I wasn’t going to support him that he needed a job and that I didn’t want an adult child to take care of. He eventually left and while things are hard, I think they would have been easier if we had never gotten married and that I had walked away before our daughter was born. He wants to be a father as long as it doesn’t require him to do anything – like get and keep a job, live in a decent neighborhood if he wants her to come visit(not the one with the highest violent crime rate in the city), etc.
Now, I have to deal with her dealing with the fact that her father isn’t a father. Sometimes I think it would have been better if he had never been a part of her life. However, I wanted to believe him when he said he could get his act together. I tried to help him get his act together. But then I was the bitch that nagging at him to get his act together. I even offered support him through school (using his GI Bill) but he couldn’t get it together enough to even find out what program he wanted. So I did try to make it work.
So while it may seem like the end of the world, it isn’t. Odds are, you would have ended up being a single mom anyway because he would have bailed eventually. Even folks who were happily married for years can break up after they have kids. There was a recent study (read about it in Marcus Buckingham’s column) that said that kids are the most stressful thing in a woman’s life. They love them, wouldn’t give them up, but they are the single biggest source of stress. When you add that to normal relationship stress, something has to give and, for most of us, you can’t give up the kids. So focus on doing what you need to do for you and the little one on the way. Your new relationship committment is to that child. Just like all relationships, you aren’t restricted to just one, but this one is your priority.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@C: Thanks for pointing out how important it is to get support early on and to reach out. Many single moms (and I was among them!) have poured all their energy into hoping this man will change, become a partner, step up to the plate… Thanks for the honesty.
@Samantha: Indeed, as you say, you can have some who truly loves you and cares about you in the delivery room, whether it’s a family member or a friend. You can make it work.
@CJ: Here’s to grieving and moving on…
@Chai Girl: thank you for sharing your story. No doubt this will help others in a similar situation.
My Bio (as I call him) and I had known each other for 15 years at the point I got preggers during treatment for ovarian cysts…I was three months preggers when he came to me and said, ‘I just don’t know how to do this’. It was then that I knew in my heart this baby was my wake-up call and my ticket to freedom. Even though it turned out my grass is always greener Ex had a new love interest, I had to grieve and get on with it for my unborn child. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done…but, today I thank my lucky stars I’m not still in that relationship.
What I did…
*Sat down with my parents and sister (my BF) and talked about what I needed to do and asked for help.
*Found a support group asap in my area and went weekly.
*Made an effort to journal about my feelings everyday.
*Found a therapist (suggested by my OBGYN)
It’s not perfect. It’s not great everyday, but today I’m not in a relationship with half of a person who is there for the wrong reasons. Today my biggest challenge is co-parenting with that half person. Be strong and take care of yourself for that little life who needs you!
Deanna Leigh´s last blog ..Where’s your Daddy Sleep?
Twitter @ Kellisue
I was 13wks oregnant when I got home from class (i was a sr in college) when going though the mail…that undoubtedly my husband brought in, I found a note from him, saying “Im going home (home for him was MO, we lived in FL) jobs are better there, Sry” I didn’t know what to do. I called him repeatedly nothing. I tried his mom/sister/brother. They all said he had been planning this for weeks. WEEKS!! So After finally talking to him I was so mad. He said the responsibility of a child was too much. He just got out the Navy and was ready to live his life. When I conceived he was excited, happy, joyful. Anyhow I finished the semester and moved closer to my family in Dec. 07, I lived about 2hrs away. I had great fiends up “at school” but I need to be with my family, I moved out of my apt and in w.my folks… my daughter was born in April 08. I went to MO after I moved out of “our” apt to see the father. He had another woman pregnant! How dare he. It was hard but I leaned on my family and some friends for support. He showed up for the birth against my will, I divorced him shortly after that and he has been absent from her life for over a yr now (not that I am surprised). he moved back to FL and in w.his new girlfriend, not the girl that was preg. in MO this is a new “victim”. It was better that he left while I was pregnant then when she was here. I never knew what it was like to have a partner for the late night feedings, I did all the changes, I bathed her…everything on my own. I think it would have been harder if he would have left me after she arrived b/c then I would have been in a routine and then yanked out of it by his absence. I know it seems hard now. You have extra hormones and want to know why. But it probably best that you let him stay gone & when he comes crawling back to you, say NO; b/c when things got [too] tough for you, you couldnt take off the “belly” and go on hiatus, like he did. That also shows that he could and most likely will flee again during the childs life. He/she will need stability and that is not stable.
GOOD LUCK & Best Wishes!!
Congrats on your pregnancy!!
KS
Kelli Stephenson´s last blog .."Slow Down"
Kelli: Thanks for generously sharing your experiences. So many of you who have traveled this tough road feel that it’s just better when these guys leave . . . “the sooner the better”. You made some brave choices! Furthering your education is always a smart move.
Deanna Leigh: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community! Thank you for your practical advice. Your Ob/Gyn is a wonderful referral source for counseling help. And isn’t it interesting how many of you have commented that you are now grateful NOT to be in a relationship with the “Bio” – love that!
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I broke up with my boyfriend after a year together and within 3 weeks of the break up I discovered I was pregnant. We had used birth control so I was obviously very surprised. When I told him he said, “We are broken up and I want nothing to do with it.”
During my entire pregnancy and beyond he showed his true colors and it turned out he had more of a dark side than I ever imagined. He accused me of trying to trap him to justify his not wanting to be held responsible financially or otherwise and he continued to disparage me to others while pressuring me to abort or adopt.
My daughter is 4 yrs old now and he sees her a few times a year, fights paying child support to the point it costs me thousands in attorney fees just to get it, he lies, manipulates and blames me for his lack of presence in her life.
My daughter and I are so much better off without him. Everything he does is out of spite for not getting his way (me having an abortion)and he could care less about what’s best for my daughter as long as it hurts me. What little involvement he does have is negative but my relationship with my daughter is amazing. She and I have a very close bond and I think it’s partly because I have raised her alone.
Like the others said, we are better off without a man who is cowardly enough to abandon his responsibility to his own child, and I believe, so is the child.
Mindy/Single Mom says´s last blog ..Hot Yoga Hottie
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Hmmmm….I’m not sure how you can call him the “father” if he’s skipping town! I say, rant and rave however much you want right now. Get it out, honey! Let it all out! You’re not actually caring for a newborn yet, and that will be exhausting enough without trying to squash your emotions.
On the practical side, you need to get down on paper what exactly his involvement will be in this child’s life. It might be worth foregoing child support if he relinquishes all parental rights.
I hate that I still have to deal with X in any way, even though it’s few and far between. But his calls simply disrupt our family now. And he doesn’t send money, he doesn’t do anything a real parent should do, and yet he is still “daddy” to the girls. When the girls were younger, I offered him a chance to be let out of his obligations if he would never contact them again. I still wish he’d taken me up on that.
@ April – I have to agree with her. You need to settle the involvement issues sooner rather than later. One issue that will hit you is whether or not to put his name down as the father on the birth certificate. You need to research the laws in your state. My ex was in the Army when she was born and I had a certified letter from JAG saying he was the father. They used that to put his name on the birth certificate. I have a certified copy with his name on it. However, about a year later I got a letter saying that the certified letter from JAG wasn’t good enough and they were taking his name off the birth certificate. When I had to go back to get a copy, sure enough, his name was gone. We were divorced by then so I haven’t pushed it to have him fill out the paperwork. I might now because I’m considering terminating rights.
Wow, this post hits close to home. And I wish I had this thread to read 5 years ago.
I was dumped the day after I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I had also talked about having children someday. In fact, it was mostly him talking about it. We had been together for 3 years, so the break-up, plus the hormones were very overwhelming. I won’t say I handled the situation perfectly at all, but this is what DID work:
- Surround yourself with friends. It’s ok to ask for help. You need that right now.
- Ask your best friend to be there when the baby is born. I had 3 friends with me when I had my daughter. My labor and delivery was actually FUN.
- Don’t worry what other people- strangers and family- think about you. Choose to love your decision to keep the baby. You are VERY strong, even on the hardest days.
- It’s ok to be overwhelmed. Just put one foot in front of the other. That’s all you have to do.
This one is important: Decide what role you want the father to have in the baby’s life. In my case, he wanted nothing to do with her, and he wrote off his rights in a self-drafted contract. My daughter’s birth certificate has my name, and the father section is blank. This was one of the smartest things I did.
And finally- I don’t know about the mother to be in this situation, but I was not ready to be a mom. As it turns out, my daughter was the best gift ever to be in my life. I feel completely blessed and lucky to be in her company each and every day.
Good luck!
Jennifer´s last blog ..I Hope They Serve Passion In H*ll (IHTSPIH)
Jennifer: Labor was fun! I honestly believe you. Women are amazing when we work together – there’s nothing we can’t accomplish.
Chai_Girl and April: These legal issues must get resolved – we agree. Thanks for bringing these dilemmas to our conversation.
Before you can make decisions on name on birth certificate, terminating parental rights, or asking for child support, it’s important to work on your own feelings – not easy while riding the pregnancy hormone roller coaster.
My boyfriend broke things off (passive agressively) with me when I was three months pregnant. To make matters worse, I had just moved my life to be with him and was starting a new job. Now my son is 6 months old and about a month ago he stopped visiting. He has only contributed about $1000 for the duration of my pregnancy and my son’s life (He was making approaching 6 figures and I am an educator). When he did come around after the birth he would endlessly criticize the way I do things with the baby or complain about not being “respected” by my extended family to an almost pathological degree. He is also an agressive driver with suspensions on his record so I would rather he not take the child anywhere (not like he ever thought to purchase a child seat he would demand I switch out mine to his car.) Because I have family help, both financially and in the form of babysitting, we have decided that we are better off without his presence and without his help. I am relieved he no longer comes around and will not seek support just to not have to deal with him. I honestly do not care what people think of this decision – those who will criticize me for not including “Dad” in my son’s life.
cecilia: Welcome to Singlemommyhood! Thanks for sharing your story. If you’ve made the decision not to have “Dad” involved in your child’s life, it’s a good idea to get all the legal issues nailed down. Custody, child support, and parenting time are separate legal issues–unfair as it feels for those of us carrying 100% of the load.
Dear Dr. Leah,
Don’t mean to hijack this post, but I have questions about establishing custody. Unfortunately, he is on the birth certificate which was what I wanted at the time and it was like pulling teeth to get him to sign! I spoke with a lawyer who said that I could file for full custody as a “premptive measure” but that it would serve to put him on the alert to contest. And then there we would be right where I do not want to be – giving him regular “court ordered” opportunities to disrupt, make drama, and portray a model of manhood to my son that I would rather not have to spend my life correcting and counter-balancing.
And PS – thank you for this site!!!!
Twitter @ YOC8040
My marriage ended while I was pregnant. Long story short, he went crazy, tried to kill me, and has been institutionalized since.
I think the phrase “he knew that I was trying” in the initial e-mail is telling. Not “we” were trying… so maybe that was an initial indicator as Dr. Leah mentioned.
If I were you I’d do as PP said- look at your state laws, decide what role you want him to play, decide what you want on the birth certificate, etc. The legal stuff is scary, but get it nailed down now so you’re not freaking out about it in the hospital. If you have questions about the birth certificate you can call the hospital registrar. If you have questions about the significance of how you fill out the birth certificate, you need to talk to a lawyer. It’s worth the investment.
From my experience… if you’re not sure about the role he’ll play, plan as if you’re going to be doing it yourself with no help. Don’t put his name on the certificate, give your child your last name. Don’t live in a idealized world where your ex finds his way and wants to be involved if it may not happen. Take ownership of your child and do the best you can do, and anything after that is gravy.
I hope I don’t sound negative, but it’s a tough road. Our kids are amazing and worth it, but I’m not going to pretend singlemommyhood is an easy road.
It is a worthwhile road though
Cat´s last blog ..Monday morning, rain is falling
Twitter @ MominApt10b
This might get me in trouble, here, but the biggest mistake I made after the break up during my pregnancy was.. that I started going to church. Looking for friends and support there just didn’t pan out. I got tired of hearing how the best children have both parents.
As hurt as you might be, you have to let LOVE do it. Do what? The healing. Apparently, he’s afraid and operating out of fear.. Then.. don’t bash on him, don’t hate on him.. to friends & family. Don’t pacify him either.. Just be forgiving and kind if you can. Cowards tends to run farther and farther away from what they’re scared of. You want your baby to know his/her father. You really do. BECAUSE!!! You loved him once. And, you want your child to have access to his/her father. AND you do want his extended family for your child. Leave that door open. Always. Show your child what love and forgiveness looks like. I have a feeling Daddy will return.. Sooner. Or later. Your child will make the choice. ‘Til Then.. remember to hang out with supportive people, online and in your local community.
I love this quote by Billy Graham… “I’ve read the last page of the Bible. IT’S ALL GOING TO TURN OUT ALL RIGHT.”
JackiesMagic´s last blog ..True Meaning…
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@JackiesMagic: You’re not in any trouble with us! It’s perfect common sense — and so practical — to turn to a church or synagogue when you need some support. Unfortunately, we’ve heard comments like yours before.
We appreciate hearing how you put it: yes, you have left the door open if Dad decides to return someday… In the meantime, you’re putting your child first. Thanks.
wow a biggie, get lots of support and do what’s best for you and you and the baby’s health and try to keep the communication open with the dad, so your child will be able to have a father in his life someday and maybe dad will want to be there for the kid. I wish you the best and take it one day at a time and don’t be hard on your self.
And to Jackiesmagic, the church is there to support, love and not judge the only judge is God himself and there are plenty of churches who do offer unconditional love and support with out judgement so don’t give up on the church being a support system. All the best to the mommies and daddies out there
I feel this singl moms pain so well. I dated a “boy” for about four months after having a seven year relationship fail. I was completly in depression mode when we met. He was almost ten years my junior and giving me the attention I never recieved in high school. I feel for him completly, as he told me he wanted me to have all FOUR of his sons. I always had female problems and wasn’t really intrested in having a baby but of course I got pregnant. Soon after I told him the fairy tale ended and the war began when I decided aganist abortion. To push the knife a little further into my heart he married his ex-girlfriend when I was six months pregnant. After that I made a decision early on that this person was not going to control my happiness or the rest of my life. I had to take complete control and stop blaming myself, I wasn’t the bad person and regardless he is the father of my child. My parents convinced me to have him sign off on his rights and it was a hard but neccessary decision. This girl should not feel bad about feeling bad, but don’t be the victim either and don’t take him back without much consuling.Please read “The Complete Single Mother” It will answer every question you have and give you strength. God Bless
Janelle: I’m humbled that you found The Complete Single Mother a source of information and strength. Thank you.
Seek support from other Single Moms in your area so you don’t feel so alone. Single Mothers by Choice have local chapters. Where most of them have chosen to become pregnant on their own by choice, others have decided to go ahead with a pregnancy without their partners after the fact. You will find much strength in the sheer numbers of these women who are doing it on their own and thriving. Finally, just wait until you hold that little being in your arms and you’ll be amazed at how much strength comes from the love that fills your heart.
My ex left me a couple of weeks after I told him I was pregnant.
For some reason, I wasn’t even surprised. Hquit his job and moved to another country, blocked me from IM and FB, a very childish thing that hurt me deeply. It was as if I was someone that had to be left, runaway from.
It was so humiliating, frustrating, devastating.
He has not once showed the smallest interest in me or my daughter, ever.
Its taken me years to deal with this, to forgive him. But it doesn’t come natural, we have to work on that. I don’t want my kid to have an angry mother with issues, I want to provide a healthy environment for her. I don’t want to store hatred on my own heart.
One day, Ill find myself a good man who will cherish me instead of reject me. And even if I don’t, I still have control over my life and the personal decision to be happy.
I read this once: the person who is unhappy being single will be as unhappy married, because happiness comes not of a mate, but of God.
My boyfriend did the same thing to me. I cried a lot through h epregnancy and made an attempt to reconcile and involve him when the baby was born. he wasnt committed so I cut him off- I wish I had done it sooner- oh well- hormones i guess. Now IO am soooo thankful he gave me my bundle of joy. He is 5 now and i am thinking of having another by myself!
P.S. He is NOT on the birth certificate!- muchbetter this way for me and my child
My girlfriend, 8 months ago told me she was pregnant. I have 2 kids in college. She is 32, I am 60. She is ptsd with a split personality and with hormones racing, she has been a handfull. We separated for 5 1/2 months and I recently moved back in with her. But as of this time it feels like I will only be here to support here when the baby comes Dec.1 and then our relationship will be over. No matter. I will be here for her as a man should be until either a relationship can be worked out or proper living arrangements can be made. The baby needs adults to be in charge and differences can be dealt with later. I do love her but understand life happens and all one can do is be there when it counts. Men, do the right thing and lend a hand. The world is counting on us.
DJ: I got emotional reading your story. We’re all grateful that there are so many fine men like you out there so willing to be counted upon. Please stay in touch with us. You’re a welcome member of our Singlemommyhood community.
I was fortunate enough to find out that my ex-fiance cheated on me 2 months before we got married. I found out because the girl he cheated on me with (who also happened to be an exotic dancer) was pregnant with his child. Of course this doesn’t sound like something someone would be grateful for – but, in hindsight, I truly am. He was an irresponsible, sneaky, awful person. I would have put everything I own to my name on the fact that this man would never hurt me like that. Of course, I would have been penniless, naked and hungry so I’m glad I didn’t. Anyway, needless to say, when I found out about his pregnant stripper mistress I ended our relationship. However, I was already unknowingly a few weeks pregnant at the time. 2 weeks later I realized I was about to be a single mother. I told my ex that I was pregnant, and he broke up with his new “fiance” (and yes, they have since gotten married) in hopes that I would come back to him and we could be a “family”. It would have been much easier, without a doubt, for me to go back to this man. But that was something I couldn’t do, not to myself, and not to my son-to-be. After realizing there was no chance of salvaging our relationship, he abandoned the idea and went back to this other girl once again. As I said previously, they have gotten married and I haven’t spoken to him since then. This girl has two other children by two other men (undoubtedly previous “clients” such as my ex) and he has taken her and her children under his wing and decided to support them financially. He also has a son from a previous marriage, which I never had any problem with. However, I do believe he married this girl because he is in the military and would be forced to pay child support if he wasn’t with her. Maybe I’m wrong and he fell in love with this woman, but I don’t think so… but then again, maybe I’m just jaded. Well here I am now, 28 weeks pregnant, joyfully expecting the arrival of my little boy. I still have not spoken to my ex, nor do I plan to. I do not plan to put his name on my son’s birth certificate, or pursue him for Child Support. I also hope he doesn’t decide to come looking to be a part of my son’s life. I know some people would disagree with this, but 1. He is irresponsible, irrational and a terrible role model for my son; 2. I’m 100% positive (judging by the way he was with his 2 yr old son from his previous marriage) that he will be an in-and-out father, only being there for my son when it’s convenient for him; and 3. This new wife of his is not only an ex-stripper, but also threatened to kill me and my unborn child when he left her in hopes of rekindling our relationship – I don’t ever want my son to be around her. I will do my best to give my son everything and anything he needs or wants, and hope that maybe someday I will find a good man to be a role model to my son. But until then, I will not settle – not even for his bio-father. But sometimes I do wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Well, the phonecalls and emails have stopped, so I believe that I am.
Jessica: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. We wish you well as you await the birth of your baby. You’re making some brave choices. You might want to consider speaking to an attorney so you do legally everything necessary to make sure that you’re able to raise your son without harassment or unwanted entanglements. Please visit us often. And, of course, let us know when your son is born. We’d love to hear all the details.
My pregnancy was planned, but it soon became clear that he was really good at the planning and dreaming and photo ops, and not so good at being supportive, or keeping himself employed, or not drinking.
I ended up splitting with him when my daughter was 2 months old, and I deeply regret waiting that long. My heart goes out to you in your difficult situation, and I hope someday you’ll be saying how glad you are that it all happened when it did!
By the way, if you catch yourself wishing for the father for the delivery, maybe my experience will cheer you up: He was there… sort of… kinda wandered in and out, in 48 hrs gave me a total of ONE nurse-ordered backrub. I had dedicated months to preparing myself for a natural birthing, and he sat there staring at me and asking why I didn’t “just take something”! HA! Basically he just took up space, and stunk up the room with his dirty socks. His presence made my labor More difficult.
What kills me is that she’s got his last name, and will probably always carry some romanticized My Daddy idea in her head.
Good luck to you. I’m sure you will find the strengths you need to create a very happy little family.
Morgan: Welcome! We’re delighted you joined the conversation. It still takes courage to break up when you’ve got a newborn – your story is inspiring. Enjoy your sweet little girl. Please visit us again soon.
I split with my husband in the early stages of my pregnancy due to the abuse and drama inherent in that relationship. I suddenly realised that my child could not grow up in such a household.
It’s been a long and difficult journey but my son is thriving in this single-parent family. I know I made the right decision.
However, it hasn’t been easy on me. I must admit I become overwhelmed often. You must have SUPPORT. I can’t stress it enough. If not family then friends, a therapist, an online community, whatever… It’s a lot for one person to juggle – work, finances, housekeeping, nurturing and all the child-related activities..
Get into the habit of accepting help whenever it is offered. I initially felt I had to do it all on my own, so people perceived me as being self-sufficient and stopped offering. Ask for help. Be precious with your time and energy, as you would with your money. Learn to say “no” to things that you don’t really want or need to do.
Keep nurturing yourself – this is a marathon not a sprint!
It will be ok. Just one day at a time.
BTW: I love Morgan’s comments about Dad at the birth taking up space and stinking the room out with his dirty socks!!
I really grieved during my labour – just cried and cried because that wasn’t the way it was “supposed to be”.
But I had my sister and best friend there and they were WONDERFUL and for that I’m grateful.
solo-mum: Welcome to our singlemommyhood community. And, of course, thanks for sharing your story and terrific advice. Please visit us again soon!
Please help me. I am 5 months pregnant and think I am being told that our marriage is over.
Becky
being a single mother is best for the child…having a man there who doesnt wanna be there is only making matter worse..especially when they already try to bail out so much or already did..and having them around any longer will only burden our heart and soul…the reason why we should let these men go is because if we keep them any longer they will only make it as if our child is a burden to them or a mistake…when we all already know every child is a gift from god…we forgive them for there foolish irresponsible act not because were doing it for them but when we forgive them its something we are doing for oursleves and our baby…but I do believe in karma…what goes around do come around…I know it hurts to be ditched and alone but everything happen for a reason..our baby was given to us for a reason…god will write our love story for beginning to end..he will guide us along the way…although it may seem like these men had gotten away with what they done to us…their mind has not gone far…there will be a time in their life that we run across their mind…times they would sit and wonder what couldv been if they didnt run so cowardly….we all are human and I believe that every human heart is created to become soften sometime…these men I forsure carry regrets and pain along with them when they ran…trouble mind is what they got themsleve into…but for us another door of happiness open up for all single mommy the moment when we decide to keep our precious bundle and take responsibilty for our own action….
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I am 19 attending college and 6 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I broke up before I knew I was pregnant. We both jumped into a relationship. 4 months later he claimed he still thought of his ex girlfriend all the time and didn’t want to be with anyone. Now that I told him I was pregnant he said he wanted to be there for me and wanted to try again. I don’t think this would be very healthy when we broke up,he made it clear he wanted to be out of a relationship. I’m confused. Should I try again with someone who I know only wants to be with me because of a child which is an unhealthy start anyway and should i just compromise my life like that? I already came to terms with being a single mom because everything he’s ever told me was the opposite of what he meant but if he is being for real I think he’s doing it because it’s the right thing not because its where he wants to be… which i feel will escalate into even larger problems. I’m super scared, I have no idea what i want to do, this was never in my plans i wanted a career then marriage and then kids around 27. I don’t even know where to start.
Twitter @ tiredofthepain2
I have been married for 2yrs. When I meet my husband in the beginning we were great as usual. The beginning is always the best. A year later we got married and that is when the problems beginning.
I am not going to say that I didn’t have a part in the problems but I was hurting with many pains and was single living up life before I meet my husband. In the midst of our first year of marriage it was rocky but we got through the problems. So I thought. Now in the beginning of the second year I am 7 months pregnant and through my whole pregnancy I have been crying, trying to get my husband to tell me what the problem is that we are not getting along, and many other things. I have in no way been happy in my pregnancy, being this is my first child. I have tried to make it work between us with us going to couple counseling, trying for him to talk to me (lack of communication),and many more things.
The way how he is right now is that he is here only for his child and not even for me as his wife also. I have asked him and also the counselor has asked him if he wants to be alone and he wouldn’t answer. Then a couple of weeks ago in one of our conversations that I always start, I asked him the question again and this time he answered with a yes that he needs some time to himself, and I need some times to myself so that we both can get ourselves together. I think that it is a bunch of bs (excuse my language) and that he doesn’t want to be with me but don’t want to be the one to say that he wants to leave. He has said in many words that he would be fine with just him and his kids( previous relationship). I don’t know what to do because due to me being on bedrest from since I was 24 weeks and now 30 weeks, we have been on one income and we had to move in with my mother and younger brother.
That was not a great idea in my book but I have no where else to go. Before we did have to move with my mother due to our financial situation I asked him why is he moving with me if he wants space to get himself together and he gave me the answer that he is not going to leave me in my time of need. I told him that you have left me in my time of need since I have been pregnant and what makes this any different. I only think that he is here with me because he hs nowhere to go and no transporttion of his own. Which is not my fault on either one. I want him t oleave me alone so bad but he won’t go. He just have me going up and down like a roller coaster with emotions. One minute he is great and loving and the next minute he seems as though he don’t want to be bothered which makes me think why am I here. when I ask him why he is still keeping me around he keeps saying because you are my wife and we are married but I don’t feel either way when I am with him.
What should I do? i have no one to talk to about this that haven’t turned there back on me or thrown it in my face. I can’t even talk to my mother about it because she says nothing at all and acts as though this is going to blow over and we are going to be all right. Someone please help me before I go insane with this situation.
Lex: The most important thing right now is to concentrate on the health and safety of the baby and YOU. Pregnant, mandated bed rest, financial strain, a partner who’s not really communicating, living with your mother …all this stress would challenge any one! We’re glad you found us. We’re a community forged in friendship. Visit us anytime …we care what happens to you.
Twitter @ tiredofthepain2
Hi Dr. Leah,
Thanks for the response. I am trying very hard to concentrate on the health and safety for my baby and for me but it just seems so hard because of all the emotional hormones that i am going through. I broke down yesterday and cried for hours because it just seems that life is coming down on me all at once and i don’t have a strong support system when it comes to my own husband. He is being so selfish right now that I cannot stand talking, seeing, or even sleeping next to him. If the table were turn though I would put everything aside and make sure that this special moment would be very special and do what i need to do to make sure i am helping myself also. This is where I am different from him. I am the caring and will give you my last even if I don’t have anything.
Twitter @ singlemomma_cc
I was about 26 weeks into my pregnancy when I discovered my husbands nasty affair with a glass pipe. We had talked about having kids, we had been together for 7 years before I got pregnant….I was so sure he was on the same page as me. I was devistated when I realized we werent. I felt alone and ashamed. Its a horrible feeling knowing that you’re bringing a life into this world all alone. Believe me I know that feeling. I also know that even on the darkest days….Im not alone….neither are you. I know this hurts like nothing you’ve ever felt before but I assure you that you are strong enough to push through the hard times….after all….you’re a mom now
Keep your head up hon!
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..If only….
Lex: Singlemomma_CC offered you some wonderful advice and encouragement. Very generous of her. And she’s SO right! You’re a mom now and you CAN do whatever needs to get done. Please visit us often. We care what happens to you …keep us posted!
Twitter @ motherappeaser
My husband and I split when I was five months pregnant. Incredibly painful and I’ve blogged a fair bit about how to get over it. Let your love for your child keep you going. Put them at the centre of everything you do. Surround yourself with a great support network who can give you the love and care that you need. Don’t be too proud. Accept offers of help and ask for them too when you’re finding it tough. You need to keep in good shape both mentally and physically. Being a parent is demanding, being a single parent is extra hard but there’s lots of us out there doing it and you will survive.
Mother Appeaser´s last blog ..Mother Appeaser – new home of Organised Chaos blog
Twitter @ http://www.singlemamanyc.com
I’ve been a single mama since I was 10 and a half weeks along. I was the one who chose to break off my engagement, but trust me, he didn’t leave me any other option. Let me tell you this: it feels painful now, maybe excrutiatingly so. You are embarrassed, utterly disappointed and frightened half out of your mind. I know. But – you WILL be alright. You will be MORE than alright. You will feel strong and empowered and authentic, because nothing saps your energy like living a lie does. Seek support in the people who love you, trust that you CAN do this on your own, and find strength in knowing your little one trusted you enough to choose YOU as his/her parent. And remember that we are all here for you.
Single Mama NYC: Thanks you …you said it perfectly! Yes…we are all here for each other.
Twitter @ http://www.themommymemoirs.com
i was never with my daughter’s father. in fact, i think that because we were never together contributes to why we get along so well.
single mothers are born every day. no it’s not the ideal situation but it’s not the worst situation one could be in by far. you wanted a family and a child, and now you’re getting one. sometimes the things that we want don’t always come in the packaging we want them in.
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I went thru this exact situation, not once, but twice with my girls dad. He left both times and rhe second baby was his idea! It was devastating, especially the second time, with a 3 year old who didn’t understand why daddy wasn’t coming home. My heart aches for this mom. I would not have made it without my AMAZING friends, family, and my counselor. I went to counseling my whole pregnancy and it really helped. My midwives were also WONDERFUL! They helped me make a plan for handling him attending the birth. I also had a close friend (also a Doula…lucky me!) as my support person for labor. My support system is amazing and that made me strong enough to say no when he tried to come back again. I was able to recognize his real (selfish) reasons for wanting to come back. My advice is make a good strong support system and file for child support as soon as baby is born! Good luck and hugs from another single mommy!
Twitter @ tiredofthepain2
singlemomma_cc: Thank you very much for the advise and best of wishes also with your situation. It is sad what us women have to do and men just can walk away and be free.