Is this single mom a Father’s Day drama queen?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
Our blogger pal Jackie has been out of the loop lately. Her 16-year-old daughter — who’s an honors/AP student — was recently diagnosed with intractable migraines. Of course, the emotional and financial strain has been enormous. To make matters even more challenging, Dad has chosen to be an absent parent. He evades child support by living outside the US. He sends money occasionally, when he wants to.
Here’s more of what Jackie told us: Her daughter’s migraines have sparked a sudden and intense interest in photography. Her daughter had an inexpensive digital camera, but she wanted an expensive camera, which, frankly, was not in Jackie’s budget. So, her daughter scoured around and found the exact camera she wanted — on sale. And then she promptly emailed the link to her father. He sent half the cost of the camera, and Jackie made up the difference later with her tax refund.
A few days ago, her daughter began to drop hints about getting Dad something for Father’s Day. At first, Jackie did not pay much attention. Finally, her daughter persistently tried to get Jackie into a conversation about what she should buy for her dad for Father’s Day.
Our hearts went out to Jackie when we read what happened: “All I could do was cry right then and there on the spot,” she said. Jackie sobbed to her daughter that she was giving more thought to her Dad on Father’s Day — than she did for her on Mother’s Day. Her daughter retorted that she was a drama queen. That accusation really hurt Jackie’s feelings. Finally, she told her daughter that she should write to her dad, if she wanted to know what he wanted for Father’s Day.
Jackie told us that she has always encouraged her daughter to write to her father. And she never discouraged her from trying to form a bond with him. It just hurts that she’s chosen now to reach out. Dad has ignored so many requests to help with the ever mounting medical bills and other expenses, but he chose to send several hundred dollars for a camera. Jackie had even suggested to him during this migraine ordeal that he might send his daughter flowers or a greeting card. And he never responded.
Jackie is still upset and she’s sorting out her feelings. Her ex has never been a father to their daughter. Now her daughter wants to send him a Father’s Day gift. Maybe her daughter simply senses an opportunity — and this whole gift thing is about getting more money from Dad.
We’d love to hear YOUR take on this situation:
Did Jackie overreact in this situation? Was she a drama queen?
What do you suspect are her daughter’s true motives in sending Dad a Father’s Day gift?
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(Photo courtesy of Serendigity)
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Twitter @ http://pigeonsandplatypi.blogspot.com
Wow, that is tough. But I probably wouldn’t have brought the whole “you weren’t excited about Mother’s Day” into it. It seems like a good opportunity to emphasize the idea that making a gift or a card would be just as meaningful, if not more, than buying one. Since the dad lives elsewhere, maybe making a photo journal of one day in her life (with her new camera) would be a good gift. I would try to keep as much of the “your dad is a deadbeat” drama out of it, no matter how true that may be. It’s understandable that her daughter wants to get Dad a Father’s Day gift, but that doesn’t mean a lot of money has to be spent.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
I think Mom is taking this a little too personally. And in a way, I feel she is discouraging her daughter’s relationship with her father.. her reaction may also make it to where her daughter shuts the door on the subject. How will Mom feel if her daughter starts having a relationship with her dad, and she’s never told about it?
Mom has to remember: Her own problems with the father is NOT her daughter’s problem. She needs to let her daughter attempt to form a bond with her dad, as she sees fit. Her daughter is 16, and therefore old enough to do that. It is Mom’s job to just be there when she’s needed. Not give her two cents about what her daughter is doing.
My ex is a total deadbeat. He picks partying and drugs over his kids. In the last six months I’ve gotten a whole $300 in child support. Yet I STILL went and got him a Father’s Day card, for my two kids to give him. They are spending the weekend with him and his parents, and I knew they would be upset if they didn’t have something to hand him. It’s my job as their mom to handle their emotional needs. As for a gift, his parents can take care of that, if it’s really an issue.. for me, getting the card for him was even difficult, because I personally feel he doesn’t deserve it. But this isn’t about my feelings, it’s about their’s.
If ANYTHING Mom can tell the daughter she’s okay with chipping in for a Father’s Day card, but a gift is the daughter’s responsibility to handle. Once again, her daughter is a teenager, and if she wants to form a bond with dad, that’s her choice. And she’s at the age that she can financially support some of her own choices.
Jenni´s last blog ..Butterfly Effect
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I think she was being a bit of a drama queen, I suspect what happened was that a lot of repressed stress found an outlet, but unfortunately we moms can take things out on the wrong kid.
Morally, a child’s relationship with their parent should not be tied to that parent’s payment of support. Yes, the man is an asshat, yes he’s avoided support and doesn’t want to help with medical issues. But he’s also her father and he also made an attempt to build a relationship with her through the camera.
I would allow her to contact the dad. I would encourage her to send him a gift (maybe pictures taken with the camera?) that SHE made or purchased. I would also remind her that it is HER child’s choice to build a relationship and form a bond, not hers.
alley´s last blog ..Long Weekend
Twitter @ solomother
Poor Jackie! Been there, wanted to do that. Unfortunately, Jackie got hit at a very vulnerable point by a child who can’t understand the other side of the story, not yet. All Jackie’s daughter knows is that she has a dad, and she has a mom, and she wants both of them. Doesn’t matter that the rest of the world might know he’s not a responsible father…
Chalk Jackie’s reaction up to an honest, overwhelmed mistake. It’s so hard to bite your tongue and be the bigger person in a broken relationship, but it has to be done. Jackie’s daughter will either learn on her own what kind of father she has, or she might turn him around and change him for the better. It’s not for Jackie to say anything negative about her ex. I can’t tell my son that his father hasn’t paid a dime in child support in over two years. I can’t tell him why I can’t provide him with the same luxuries his classmates enjoy. And I cry bitterly — in the shower, in the dark, after the kid is asleep — that this is what it’s come to, but I suck it up and bite my tongue.
Perhaps, when Jackie’s feelings aren’t so hurt, she can sit down and discuss the situation calmly with her daughter. But it’s a slippery slope: her daughter could feel guilty that her migraines have caused a financial strain for her mother.
As for Father’s Day, if her daughter brings it up again, Jackie can quietly say, “he’s your father, honey, and I’m sure anything you choose to do for him for Father’s Day will be perfect.”
I’ve got some friends into alternate medicines and they do miracles for me. If they have any recommendations for the migraines, I’ll be sure to pop back and share them.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Jackie!!! I was at our group last night. Missed you! I’m sorry that your daughter is still not feeling better.
I would try to remember that teenagers and young adults live life purely from their own egos. Which means, its all about them. Your daughter is a wonderful daughter who is trying to establish some sort of connection with her absent father. Unfortunately, that may mean she may take you for granted. You, who has always been there. You, who has taken her to the emergency room and stayed up nights trying to make her feel better. Unfortunately, some efforts aren’t appreciated until later.
The only thing I would suggest is, like other commenters, allow her to establish this relationship with her father, outside of your disappointment with him. She needs to learn on her own what sort of dad he may or may not be.
Do YOUR best.
Love her through it.
Love yourself through it too.
((hugs))
T´s last blog ..Reunion: the second night
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Ah yes, the deadbeat-dad-as-hero thing. But at 16 why is the mom even invovled in Father’s Day at all? She should let her daughter figure it out all on her own – including any expense involved.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Single Parent Pick Up
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
While I certainly can understand where the other commenters are coming from, I don’t think we’re giving Jackie enough credit here. I don’t think she wants to be a drama queen, but I think she needs help with the “how” of it all. It’s all well and good to say that she should be the one to have never-ending patience, to always do the right thing, but it can be maddening when you know the other parent isn’t and seems to reap all the benefits of the loving relationship without doing the actual work of parenting. The answers may seem simple, but the actual execution is a lot harder. Jackie, I totally understand this struggle. I don’t have magic, easy answers, either, but I can tell you what has helped me most of all, and that is to reach out, to be honest with myself about knowing what I cannot handle alone. For a couple of years, that meant weekly therapy sessions. That meant making an appointment for me to have one hour to myself once a week, and for the first few months, that involved a LOT of crying, and sure, feeling sorry for myself! But then I was all cried out, and the sessions were about how to become a better parent. Eventually, I didn’t need those sessions anymore, but that didn’t mean I didn’t struggle from time to time. That’s when I reach out to my friends that have been there for me every step of the way. That listen to me rant and bitch and moan, and then remind me how far I’ve come.
It’s never going to be fair. That’s the most sucky part of all. You’ll hear plenty of platitudes, some of them you’ll feel from time to time, and some of them will remain empty and may even make you more outraged at the inequity of the situation. But the outrage will not prevail. Eventually, it’ll just be woven into the fabric of your being, and all we can hope is that makes us more compassionate human beings. Nothing will make it right, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t thrive in spite of it.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up of Theatre Weekend
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
What I see is a girl who was trying to ask her mom what to get for her Dad. I don’t know how Mother’s Day went, but I’m sure she would not ask her Mom about it, hence the feeling that she didn’t get much attention, when all the prep was going on in her mind rather than out in the open.
The thing that bothers me a little is all the references to money, and child support (financially speaking). Her father apparently jumped at the chance to pay half of the camera (unless there is more to this problem), and she was told to ask him for it. Yes, CS bothers her Mother, so it feels like money has emotions attached to it.
Well the mom got what she asked for, she asked, he gave, she thought of Father’s Day, and now she is pondering what to give him. Of course she will have to accept the fact that her daughter has a father. One that she may not like, and see any emotion to him as a negative emotion to her. But, she needs to put that emotion away, and love her daughter and help her, rather than attempt to make her daughter feel guilty for wanting to do something for her Father.
She needs to focus on a “business” relationship with the father, and leave any emotion out of it. Whatever the daughter chooses to do she should support, and leave the frustrations to private moments.
But as a Dad, I would of paid for the whole camera if I was financially able to do so. And, I would of loved for my daughter to want to do something for me for Father’s Day.
Travis´s last blog ..It’s Amazing It Makes My Heart Sing
Twitter @ _katarena_
Wow, this is a tough situation and I don’t think anyone should judge Jackie for her little meltdown. We all have them & unfortunately hers happened in front of her daughter. I do think we need to remember that Jackie’s daughter is 16. She’s not a child who needs to have her mother purchase a Father’s Day card for her. And her mom has always encouraged her to keep in touch with her dad. Perhaps Jackie could suggest that her daughter put together a scrapbook or picture album for her dad using the pictures she’s been taking with her new camera.
I think that Jackie might want to sit her daughter down and talk. Maybe explain the feelings behind her reaction as well as having very real talk about finances. I’m not suggesting that she make her daughter feel responsible for the medical bills or any struggles. Just help her to understand the value of a dollar and that her mom works really hard to give her the best she can. It doesn’t do any good to point fingers or blame the father for a lack of finances. If that’s truly the type of person that he is then unfortunately her daughter will figure that out on her own one day.
Kate´s last blog ..I used to be much muchier too.
Twitter @ mominapt10b
Wow! I appreciate all the feedback. And this is where I’m at.
The checkbook dad created the relationship or lack thereof. He chose to leave the country before the baby was born.. Because I didn’t want to get married. He was in and out of our daughter’s life when she was a toddler.. Only in the U.S. unannounced.. and I’d take her to DFW on his way back to the U.K. Then I said NO MORE! He came to her 6th birthday party only because he was in the U.S. on business. Brought a video camera. She never saw him again until the spring after September 11th. Two years later. Never again since then.
He told me he was leaving the country because he didn’t want a judge telling him what to and when to do it. I am just now at the tail end of a petition for child support. Last month she and I were subjected to a DNA test. By the way.. he moved back to the U.S. Unannounced. I found out he owns a mansion in the NE by Googling his name. Call the TX Atty General and demanded they reopen our petition for child support.
I have every right to be ticked off at him, but I am not bitter. Mad as hell like any good mother would be.. at the idea of NOT just no real love but NO real support. And yes.. I get to define what that should look like.
Thanks to the one or two commenters who saw this as a well deserved moment in the span of 16 years where I could have a melt down. And yes.. she did admit later that she wanted to give him a gift to get more money out of him.. To give to me. Seeing how he doesn’t respond when I ask for it. I encouraged her to never treat him or any man that way.
I raised a good kid. But She’s 16. I WAS hurt that she chose to use that “drama queen” line on me. It was meant to hurt my feelings. She wasn’t asking me for money for a gift for her dad, she has her own PT job for that. I was annoyed that she was going on and on about giving him a gift for Father’s Day. She only remembered it was Mother’s Day that Sunday. I don’t like that she refers to him as “dad.” Oh well. Because he doesn’t behave like a dad. He doesn’t deserve any accolades for sending three hundred bucks for a six hundred dollar camera!!! When he doesn’t even provide health insurance for her. Don’t tell me I don’t have the right to vent! I’ve been nurturing, praying, paying and just being mom AND dad for the past going on seventeen years! I’m ready to exhale!
I’m the best baby’s mama he’ll ever have. Cause I didn’t destroy his property.. or leave nasty messages in his voice mail box… Or email his defense contractor boss.. who pays him a 7 figure salary!!! YEP it is about money. HE made it about money!!! I don’t see any children on this planet living for FREE!!!! And I’m the one with breast milk! Tears. Hugs. Heart. Soul. Love. The word “Mom” means something in our household. I’m not mad at you Travis.. You focus on money.. Maybe it’s an issue for you?? I hope your baby girl does show up for you.. I’m sure you’re a Man of Honor when it comes to her!
T!! I love you and I miss you guys!! I always want to be there on Mondays. I guess I need a reminder call around 6pm. Ask Dave for my email or phone number! I want lil’ girl to come back with me next time. You would be so proud of her! She’s grown…like I have. Inside and out!
(((((((Hugs))))))) to everyone who took the time to respond! I am blessed and I do understand every point of view! Thanks Singlemommyhood.com! You Rock, too!!
Jackie´s last blog ..Keep us in perfect peace
Twitter @ tiiajoneslove
This is such a difficult situation, and I empathize. Jackie, I think if that’s the only time you’ve lost it in sixteen years, you ought to be sainted. And, furthermore, if that’s the only time your daughter has played the “Drama Queen” card, she must be a pretty good kid (as you admit yourself). Mine has called me that at least five times (and she’s the queen of Drama Queens!).
I think it is so difficult when you have an absentee and deadbeat father (believe me, I know) because your daughter wants/needs that relationship so desperately. Despite all the bike riding lessons, solo trips to the doctor, nights up with croup, and frustrating homework sessions that she knows you did all by yourself, she’s still a little girl who idolizes her dad. When it’s all said and done, though, I truly believe that your daughter will figure her father out; and she’ll do it all by herself.
In the meantime, one thing that my lawyer told me that was useful (imagine a lawyer being useful!) is to separate money issues with my ex from relationship/visitation issues. He said those two things are always completely different in the court’s eyes and have no bearing on one another. I try to remember that always when I talk to Leah.
Good luck and ease up on yourself! Kids are so forgiving of us when we communicate honestly with them–even when we sob our hearts out because they are breaking. Oh and Happy Father’s Day–we deserve it!!
Tiia Jones´s last blog ..The Sticky Spot
Twitter @ mominapt10b
Thank you, Tiia! You hit the nail on the head with that one! I KNOW my daughter desperately wants/needs a relationship with her father!! His absence hurts and I see it. Feel it.. for her. Sometimes there is nothing I can do about it. Not even her uncles and male cousins can fill the void. Thank you for saying that!! This is exactly why believe all moms should step back and move in the direction of the highest good for the children. Maybe it doesn’t sound like I’ve done that.. but it’s what I attempt to do every single day for the past seventeen years. If Singlemommyhood.com editors don’t delete this out.. I’ll shamelessly plug a series I’m writing this Father’s Day month.. called “Fatherless Days.” My most recent post was about “Men of Honor.” Awesome single mommies… Let’s just teach only love! -Blessings!!
Jackie´s last blog ..Keep us in perfect peace
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Go Jackie!
I just want to say I think the whole Father’s Day situation was a bit unclear – for me anyway. I thought your daughter was looking to you for assistance and I thought you should just leave it to her. Still do. Why would you want or need to be involved in Father’s Day for a man who isn’t one or is only when it suits him?
As for the rest, I SO get how it feels to be the ONLY parent, as well as the ONLY advocate for your child and their right to support. And I get how frustrating it is to then have your child be so grateful for the rare crumbs the deadbeat throws their way – in lieu of any REAL support (that he will spend thousands to avoid paying) – and while taking for granted all that you do. And I know what it feels like to have your teen dismiss your feelings by calling you a name because you got too real for a minute – it’s not a life they want to aknowledge exists. I also know that those momments, both for ourselves and our children, are usually temporary. It’s also only one of the many consequenses of having a child with a deadbeat. We have to be strong all the time but we’re also human and sometimes the BS gets to us. So what?
Btw, my readers know I’m all for the occasional vent or rant so no judgements there. I hope now that the deadbeat is back you can get him to contribute financially. Although from my experience I wont hold my breath. Good luck.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Single Parent Pick Up
Twitter @ sincemydivorce
My two cents … Jackie is upset that Dad didn’t turn out to be the Dad she wanted him to be but he is still Dad. It’s up to daughter and Dad to define their relationship and Jackie needs to trust that her relationship with her daughter is solid and not threatened by the recent connection with Dad. I’m learning that kids show their appreciation in different ways – even saying they’d rather you take them to the doctors should be taken as a compliment. As frustrating as it is, kudos to Jackie that her daughter even talked to her about Father’s Day. That speaks volumes about the relationship she and her daughter share.
Mandy´s last blog ..Divorced but still married says the Catholic church