Are you facing an “empty nest”?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Teresa Coates first impressed us a few years ago with her online stories about traveling through Vietnam — as a single mom — with her two kids.
Teresa had wanted to see the world for as long as she can remember, so in 2006, she sold most of her belongings and headed to Vietnams, where she and children spent two months volunteering at orphanages in Tam Ky before moving north to Hanoi.
Recently, Teresa reached out to us because her son is ready to spread his wings and see the world. As Teresa tells us, “I’m in a sort of shock.” Here’s why:
Teresa became a single mom in 1999, when her daughter was two and her son was seven. “At the time, I thought I’d be single for a couple years, magically find some guy who would fall madly in love with me (and vice versa!), then we’d raise my kids together…Of course, now that I’m eleven years away from that first hopeful foray into life as a solo mom, I realize that Iam going to be doing this alone. But not forever.”
Well, her son turned 18 recently. (“He’s a good person,” Teresa says. “He’s grown into quite a charismatic young adult.”) And he’s going to graduate from high school this year. He might go to the community college in their neighborhood, but he’s also thinking about traveling (to Thailand!), or perhaps moving in with his aunt in Los Angeles.
“It has been a surprisingly difficult transition for me,” Teresa confesses. “When I think about the reality of it, the thought of him not being just in the other room or down the hall from me makes me terribly sad. Things with the now-teen daughter are dramatic and tense; his calm nature has kept me sane on many occasions.”
“But this isn’t about me and my emotional needs,” she admits. “Okay, well, it sort of is. I realize that I’ve depended on my kids for validating my life, making it seem worthwhile and as I see them grow toward adulthood I wonder just how I’ll manage without them. It is scary and lonely to think about.”
Here’s where you come in: “I’d like to know how other single parents deal with an emptying nest,” Teresa says.
She’s wondering: Do other parents who have kids leaving home also feel a strange mix of excitement and fear?
Do you have any tips for her to cope as graduation date approaches?
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Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Boy can I relate to this! Especially when you’ve been a solo mom (or nearly), and it’s been heads-down, get it down parenting, and whatever work you could get to keep a roof over your head.
You look up, finally, and 10 years (or more) are gone, your children are no longer children, and even if you are by nature independent, the sense of loss and disorientation is staggering. I wouldn’t have thought it. It’s a bit like processing a layoff, with no other prospects that will ever be quite as harrowing, or as sweet.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Giving Shape to Invisibility
Twitter @ EmsMomme
Anxious to hear the answers people give you! Emily is a freshman and whenever someone brings up college I talk about where “we” are going to go (as in I am moving with her!) LOL I am only partially teasing. I never thought I would still live in my hometown but I stayed here so Em would have a stable childhood…and am now anxious to try living in a different place.
Teresa is incredibly brave. Change is scary but she will rely on the strength that experience has given her and discover the next exciting chapter.
Twitter @ lovebug1433twitter.com
Hello, my name is Nicole and I am a single mother of one daughter, who’s 10. Until recently, I have always had my family around, but things have changed and there’s a lot of tension. I don’t want any part of their conflict, and I don’t want my child around this. So, it’s just the two of us, and I’m scared. I have no one to turn to but myself. In the meantime, I want to do more in my life — and for my daughter — like continue my education.
Hi!
I read this entry from the Single Mom’s Network and although I’m not to this stage of my daughter’s development…I can still relate with own feelings of separation and independence we’re experiencing now and can ONLY image and hold compassion for what you must be enduring….I’ve included a link that I thought I would offer that I wrote with her newfound independence and my thoughts of…..I hope it offers some peace of mind, or at the very least healing in your heart….with love, Leslie Hopkins Scottsdale, AZ
http://inbetweenmoms.blogspot.com/2009/10/introducing-our-new-tween-blog.html
Twitter @ teresa_coates
@BigLittleWolf has it nailed… it really is all the years of being in the solo parenting trenches that blinded me to the fast-approaching shift in my life. Suddenly now it seems much to soon to be reality.
I’d never wanted to be alone, in parenting or in life. The Fates had other plans.
Thanks for the kind words and I think as I struggle toward being independent, it’s good to remember that I’m definitely not the first or the last to experience this loss of footing.
Teresa´s last blog ..And Baby Makes Three
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
The looming empty nest feels like layoff of exponential magnitude. I hope you’ll let us know how you’re managing it.
@Teresa – Maybe we should get together for a virtual drink.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..To Be Or Not To Be- Choosing Your Child By Gender
@Terri: We really get what you’re saying, re:”….whenever someone brings up college I talk about where ‘we’ are going to go (as in I am moving with her!).” We’d love to hear how your daughter’s plans evolve. She’ll be a college freshman before you know it.
I can really relate to Teresa’s situation. It’s sooo not easy to be facing an empty nest as a single mom. My youngest is 18 and while she hasn’t yet finished high school, the separation process began over a year ago. I have probably been grieving for some time, without completely realizing it. I am in the void, that empty space between life as a full-time nurturer and a completely new life that has yet to come into fruition. The tension that often happens between teen moms and daughters as part of the separation process definitely makes it more painful. I have been feeling the feelings when they come up, and make sure I plan enough social and community activities so I don’t feel too lonely.
I know that letting go of the old and moving into the new happens in stages. I am doing my best to remember that friends can provide the hugs and connection that I’m missing with my daughter now. I am so with you other moms going through it. Hang in there … new life awaits!
Betsy ´s last blog ..Comfort for the Soul Message of the Day
@Betsy: Indeed, here’s to great friends during a tough transition. Please stay in touch with us after your daughter graduates, and let us know how it’s going.
Twitter @ Kropie
My daughter is leaving in a year and my son, who is 14, will still be home. I gave up my leadership position to spend more time with them and now what I built at work is declining, but I made the right choice, regardless of the grief I feel at the decline my work, However I am not doing too good emotionally. I don’t know how I will cope without my daughter here. I don’t ever want her to know because I want her to go away to college. Next will be my son, he’s a handful but I cannot imagine being without him. I’m having a really hard time.
Mary: We hear you. You want your kids to gain their independence, but it’s so hard because you’ll miss them so much. We’re glad you stopped by. Stay in touch, OK?