When your toddler says the D word
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Many of you grapple with how to answer questions about an absent dad. We’ve discussed various approaches, such as compiling a Daddy Book. And you’ve generously shared what secrets you keep (or not) from your kids about an absent parent. Frankly, however, we’ve never discussed how to respond when toddlers — who are raised by solo or choice moms — start the “daddy” conversation.
Here’s what a solo mom recently shared with us:
“I dated a guy for three months, and right after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. We tried to make it work, but the second break-up went on forever,” she confided.
They both recognized that going separate ways was the right choice. But things got ugly after that. Both of them hired attorneys. When their daughter was three months old, her ex issued an an ultimatum. He wanted full custody — or “nothing.” And she gladly agreed to “nothing” (the terms of their agreement are confidential), but this mom and her daughter have not seen him since this agreement was signed.
You can guess what’s happening now. This toddler is starting to call other kids’ fathers “daddy.” Her mom says deals with this in a matter-of-fact way. She gently says, “That’s Matthew’s daddy.” And she points out that her daughter has a “Papa,” who is her ever present father and her little girl’s grandfather.
But, she realizes that she these simple explanations will not satisfy her daughter for too long. This mom does not want to keep the “Daddy” topic a secret – or an issue that she always evade. It doesn’t seem healthy that people try hard not to say the “D word” in her child’s presence, and that books featuring dads are strenuously avoided.
Of course, explanations must be age appropriate. Not surprisingly, it’s tough to know how to start a conversation about Dad – given the circumstances – in a way that’s meaningful to a toddler. But, this mom hopes that these first conversations will form a foundation of trust and open communication with her daughter.
So, this is what this solo mom would like to know:
How should she respond to her daughter’s first use of the D word?
Is her matter-of-fact approach the only sensible choice?
Or, should this mom say more to her toddler about her dad?
If so, how should this first “daddy” conversation begin?
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Photo via Flickr: Cranial Hiccups
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Twitter @ mightbeatranny
so, i was actually talking about this yesterday with a friend. a child could say they “don’t have”, a sister, a brother, a grandma, an uncle, etc. so many kids come from non-traditional families. why does the “dad” thing have to be a big thing. this is not an argument for or against 2 parent families, or dads. just wondering, if when a child is SO young, how does it matter. kids only know what we tell them as toddlers. so how does the dad thing become big?
Twitter @ jeciwall
Oooh, this situation sucks but was inevitable for the solo mom. I suggest to start with a good book like “Do I have a Daddy” or “The Family Book”. Try to explain to her the dynamics of her family, but in age appropriate language. She doesn’t need to know that he signed away his rights and didn’t want to compromise with you. Emphasize the positive presence of her Papa or any other father figures in her life. She’ll learn soon enough who is there for her and who’s not.
My child does this as well. She is 2. At first I was embarrassed but I’m not now. All her little friends call them ‘dad’ she doesn’t know that ‘dad’ means any more then Paul. You know. She does see her ‘dad’once in a while. Not too often, his choice not mine.
Twitter @ prodigalmomma
It’s always going to be tricky; I’m raising my (now 4yr old) in the family home with support from my parents. She calls my dad ‘Papa’ and though she’s now at an age to understand he isn’t ‘daddy’ he fulfills that place in our home.
She has asked about her daddy, I’ve always been honest (in an age-appropriate way) and said “well daddy was very unkind to mummy, so now we live as a family with Grandma & Papa”. I try not to hide things from her, while at the same time bearing in mind that she doesn’t need a full disclosure at this stage.
I would recommend let their questioning lead the way in this, you’ll know (in various situations/questions) when your own chuild has received a satisfactory (for the moment) answer from you.
It can be hard though – I worry about the day she’s old enough to need a fuller conversation, but I take these situations 1 conversation at a time.
Also… Does your daughter have another family member like an uncle or your dad or someone else who might do the ‘dad activities’ with her? I don’t believe that biology is the last word when it comes to parenting – family is so much broader than that!
Good luck, keep smiling – I know it’s a tough one xxx
I have been here, done this and continue to evolve my process on a regular basis. I would tell this mom to take a deep breath and step back for a moment.
First, I am a firm believer in not making the word Dad/Daddy taboo. At the same time I have never proactively had a conversation about the fact that our family doesn’t have a Dad. I did make a conscious effort to talk about families. How they are born in love and that we define our family and who is a part of it – for us that not only includes extended family but close friends as well. I always tried to reinforce what we have, rather than the concept that someone was missing. We talk about the different make ups of extended family – my sister’s family is a traditional one, my brother’s a family of divorce, a cousin who lives with his grandparents. All families look different, but all families share the one common thing – they are born out of love.
I also make a concerted effort to only answer the question I’ve been asked. More often than not I have found young children are asking specific, logisitical questions when asking about daddy. Even when it’s been friends of my daughters asking why we don’t have a dad. I answer very specifically and don’t provide more information than is being asked of me. I take my cues from my daughter. If she asks more questions I continue to expand my answer.
I have also chosen to differentiate the term dad and father – understanding that during the toddler and early elementary years my child won’t make the distinction. Point being, as she has ask/said ‘everyone has a daddy except me’ I could easily say – that’s not true, point to others we know who don’t have dads but more importantly say – we have dad’s who love you very much your grandfather, uncles, etc (and I would also name male family friends who are consistent and prominent in our lives.) What we don’t have is a dad who lives with us. I do this because I want to reinforce that dad’s are a great thing, that they are people who love and care for you. We just happen to be a family that doesn’t have one. My logic behind this is so later on when she’s older, I can still have the opening to discuss that everyone has a father, but not everyone gets a dad in their lives.
However you chose to talk about this I believe it is vitally important that you are consistent and comfortable with how you talk about it. Children know when we as parents are being genuine and when we are uncomfortable. It’s not always easy to leave your emotions out of the picture and I won’t lie, my heart breaks a little whenever my daughter talks about not having a dad of her own. But I believe by talking about families in a larger context proactively it has counteracted the number of questions I have gotten as she’s grown older and more aware.
Twitter @ tsquest
There are some great comments here. I do agree that we put so much pressure on certain words when, to toddlers, they mean nothing at all. If the word “Dad” is a bad word, which it could very well end up being in this case, the child will begin to associate that word with shame. These days, yes, it is difficult to be a single parent but it is happening and it done EVERY DAY by thousands of people. Be proud of the great life you’re providing your child. You’re handling it great to explain that other dads are “Matthew’s daddy”, etc. I’d also explain, when the question arises, why the child’s father is not involved (age appropriately, of course) and with as much dignity and truth as you can muster. There is no shame in being a wonderful parent to your child. Own it! And remind her that sometimes even grown ups make sad choices but they have nothing to do with her.
Twitter @ http://www.hobomom.com
Wow. I am so appreciative of all your thoughtful comments. Jessica, thank you for the book recommendations. I have been searching for a good read on this topic. Great advice. I relate a lot to Prodigalmama because my child does have a sturdy male figure – her Papa – who gives her so much attention and love. But I see my daughter craving more from men and being drawn to men and I hurt for her. I’m trying not to get stuck in the hurt, but it’s difficult. I still find myself skipping over books that include fathers in the plot, and I know that’s ridiculous. I do. But when she says “daddy” it has an emotional impact on us both. And I can admit to you all that sometimes it’s easier to skim over the issue altogether.
At her very young age, I don’t want to focus on what she doesn’t have, and as many of you recommended, I try to focus on what she DOES have. As you said, VAMom, not all families look the same, and that is reassuring. But I don’t want to ignore the subject or hide anything from her. So the questions I still have are – when she calls other people “daddy,” what would you say? When she asks “Where is my daddy?” what is appropriate to tell an almost three-year-old? I’m all for honesty and want to build our relationship on trust, but I don’t want to give her more than she should or can deal with right now or in the next few years.
Thanks again to everyone who commented. This is really helping and I’m comforted to be in a community of such smart and caring women.
Twitter @ http://www.hobomom.com
Also, Tsquest, thank you – your comment made me stand up straighter. I appreciate you.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
My daughter did exactly the same thing! It was challenging, but I just pointed out that that wasn’t her dad and moved on. As your child grows up, you’ll be able to have those age-appropriate conversations that lead to understanding. I agree with T: kids don’t place importance on something unless we do, and for them, it sometimes doesn’t mean anything. Take a deep breath and know all is well.
Twitter @ http://singlemamamusing.blogspot.com
I know these conversations are coming with my son and I appreciate the conversation and advice.
So far seeing his dad once a month is all he’s ever known and he hasn’t asked me any questions about it yet. When talk with his little buddies turns to “my daddy…” this and that, my son just says his dad’s at work.
I’m not sure where he got this from but it seems to make sense for him right now.
When the time does come, I hope to be open, honest and always reassuring that we are his wonderful loving little family.
Katie you asked: “when she calls other people “daddy,” what would you say? When she asks “Where is my daddy?” what is appropriate to tell an almost three-year-old? I’m all for honesty and want to build our relationship on trust, but I don’t want to give her more than she should or can deal with right now or in the next few years.”
I think these answers go hand in hand. When I talked about being consistent in your response I think this is an example where that plays out. On the rare occassion my daughter called other people ‘daddy’ I did correct her by saying, that’s right, that’s Sarah’s Daddy. If she followed up with where’s my daddy, I would simply say, we don’t have a daddy in our family. From the time my daughter could talk to now she has never pushed me/asked me beyond those explanations. She is very matter of fact when others ask her about it. And over the years we have expanded to talking about how she has dad’s who love her like her Papa and uncles, etc. I drew a clear line in the sand for myself about dads vs. fathers with the understanding that early on that distinction would not matter, but that as my daughter emotionally matured I will need to address who her father is and why he is not a part of our lives. It was a way of taking it in palatable pieces — for both of us and to be honest without giving her more information than she could handle.
Again, I think it is so important to be consistent, comfortable and concise when addressing this issue at a young age. I work really hard to leave my emotions out of the mix.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
As I try to put myself in your shoes, all I can come up with is.
Daddy is gone and he isn’t coming back. When she asks why he went away I’d say something like he decided to live somewhere else. Honest and will likely appease a toddler for a few years. As she gets older you can be more specific.
When she calls other men ‘daddy’, correction is the best policy.
As a father of two, I’m sorry the boy (her father) handled it the way he did.
I really like VA mom’s suggestion, particularly pointing at her that there are other dads who love her. Remember that she is only three years old and children at that age don’t need complicated answers. Personally, I was raised by a single mother and when I was little and I used to ask “where’s my daddy” my mom would say that there are different kinds of families some have a mom and dad, others have two moms, others have two dads, other have one mom and one kid, etc., and ours was a mom-kid famly. Like VA mom says you should point out that she has a Papa that loves her in the same way a daddy does. With regard to calling daddy to other kid’s dads, yes you should tell her, no that Sarah’s daddy, you have a Papa. As to her being draw to men, I think I used to be the same. My advice is don’t get overstressed because of that, because if you do, she may sense something is not right with her situation and you don’t want that. Also, don’t avoid books that have fathers or that stuff because with that what you are doing is creating an environment of “mistery” around the dad issue, and she is going to feel like there is something wrong in her family that needs to be hidden and belive me, that is not what you want. Just let her spend time with her Papa if that is what she wants or with her uncles, or if she wants to play with the other kid’s that just let her. Reinforce her about all the men in her life that love her. Again remember, she is only 3 and the way she sees things are way simpler as how the adults view it. I agree that over the time you need to tell her the difference between a father and a dad and someday you will have to tell her what happened with her father (which probably won’t be until about 10), but right now she is too little and she doesn’t have the full understanding for that kind of detailed conversation.