Online dating. Is your kid in the picture? Or not?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Single Parents
Have you ever seen single parents who post their kids’ photos on their online dating profiles?
We have.
Recently, Dr. Leah wrote about the truly startling pictures she’d seen on eHarmony.
We deliberately did not mention posting your photos with kid(s) — because this is a whole different subject.
After chatting with other single parents here, we’ve discovered that many of you have passionate opinions about posting pictures of your kid(s) on dating sites.
As a parent, you know what’s best. But here’s how your thoughts seem to break down:
It’s best to be cautious. While we, as single parents, post our own pictures online, we do not include photos of our kids. This seems like a blatant invitation to… (choking on this word – so frightening!). Unfortunately, pedophiles do spend their wasted lives in front of the computer screen, looking for victims. So, obviously, we never post pictures of our kid(s).
Let’s get to the point, but with boundaries. We are single parents who want to show others — through photos — that we’re a “package deal.” Why waste time? We might choose photos of our kids, without showing their faces up close. We want to screen out people who have no interest in family. So, we might include faraway snapshots of us that clearly illustrate the fact that our kids are #1. Our profile also highlights shared family activities as “favorites.”
My kids show the best of me, so why not show them off? Our kids represent the very best of who we are. What a better way to show who we area than to share our “big kid moments,” like the first day of school, graduation, or winning the trophy? That’s why we include close up photos taken on vacation with captions like, “At the Grand Canyon – we had a great time!” The take-away message is, “This is my world and welcome to it.”
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In short, single parents who post photos of their kids seem to do so as a “screening device.”
Parents who do not post photos of their kids are maintaining privacy — and being very cautious.
Did we cover every point of view? Did we miss something?
We’d love to know: Is your kid in the picture… or not?
If you’re dating online, do you post your kids in your profile?
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I don’t and won’t post pics of my kids on my dating profile. If my kids were over 18, i’d think about it..but honestly the pics on the profile are just to show who I am physically and we all know that attraction starts with the visual when it comes to online dating.
I think online dating sucks as a way to meet someone for a committed relationship. As Malcolm Gladwell makes the point in “Blink”, chemistry is felt in person, not articulated in checkboxes and online prose. I’ve blogged on that topic plenty.
But if you must do the online dating thing – perhaps because you don’t have other effective means of meeting singles at your same life stage – then whether you post your kids picture or not is entirely up to you. Some bloggers post kid pics all the time. I don’t, mainly to respect my kids’ privacy. But it’s an individual choice.
As a man, if I see a woman’s online dating profile, I’d rather see pictures of her, meet her and get to know her as a person, THEN choose to meet her kids. I don’t want to see pics of her kids up front. It presents too big of a package to swallow. I know she has kids – and I have kids – but I don’t want to picture a Brady Bunch family from the get-go. You have to work towards that.
dadshouse: The “Brady Bunch fantasy” . . . we’ve all indulge in one form or another, but starting off with that picture in mind . . . you’re right. Not so good.
Besides the convenience of “at home shopping”, online dating definitely lets someone back to the dating scene after a long (and, perhaps, traumatic) hiatus to focus on what qualities—besides sex appeal–he or she really wants. Of course, people lie; they also lie in person to your face. For those willing to be introspective, there are “ah-ha moments” as you scroll through, which can guide your “live” search.
It really doesn’t hurt to look.
Of course I’m going to say good things about meeting people online, but then I’ve had “almost” all pleasant experiences. Even the the “bad” ones weren’t really “bad” (well, except for one nut *L*). My screening process has worked very well for me.
However, I never put a picture that shows any of my children. Not even my grown daughter. Nor do I show any of my friends. I did allow my dog in a shot *L*, but she didn’t mind.
It’s enough to show myself. If I want someone to see children then that will come much later.
M: Screening process that has worked well? We’d all love to hear more.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Yes, I’m interested in the screening process too. And I agree with dadshouse that photos of your kids should come later in the process, if nothing else as a procaution. You should still be upfront about having kids, of course.
I would neither post nor send pics of my kids online. Motherhood is transitory, though it may not feel that way when your child is young. As a divorced single mom, I’m hoping to find a man who wants ME. My third child has one foot out the door, his older sisters are grown women, and the baby is 11. The time will come for a guy to meet my 6th grader, but not anytime soon.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Thanks so much for your great comment Judith! Dr. Leah often reminds me of this fact: kids do grow up!
Re: screening process, I have my “top 10″ questions which I attempt to ask casually, but they do cover my deal breakers.
For example, “Are you legally divorced, or separated?” and “What do you like to do on the weekends?” (Coach your kid’s soccer time…or get high?)
I’d love to know what “M’s screening process is, too!
Screening is actually pretty easy. Don’t get a hurry. Most people who down play “online dating” have either been in a hurry, or think that you can only find out about someone “face to face”, so they meet amost immediately. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but you’re likely to have more unfavorable experiences that way. It’s only slightly better than just hanging out at a bar or club.
Go over what they write in their profile, not just their picture. Is there enough there that you’re interested in. Are there any show stoppers? Does what they wrote interest you? Keep in mind that not everyone writes a true description of themselves or has picture that shows what they really look like.
So if the profile review really has you interested send an email. Find out if, after reviewing your profile, they have an interest in you. Exchange some emails to learn a little more about them and see if you are both still interested. If the interest is still there, either offer to phone them, or provide you number so they can phone you (I always give the lady the option, and only provide my cell number).
Actually speaking allows you to hear their voice. People provide insights when they talk and it can be picked up on. It’s just like body language can tell you things when you’re with someone. I use phone conversations to determine when/if I finally do want to meet this person, and if they want to meet me.
Of course I’m covering this from the position of the first contact coming from me, but the process is the same if they contact me first.
When I meet I try to keep it very casual, comfortable and friendly. Even it becomes obvious that, for whatever reason, it’s not a good match you’re in a friendly, casual situation it will feel less uncomfortable. If the chemistry isn’t there, it isn’t there, but that doesn’t mean the meeting has to be uncomfortable, unpleasant or unenjoyable.
I don’t have unrealistic expectations with regard to “online dating”. I know that it’s likely that only about 10% of the ladies I actually meet will result in a second date. Whether there turn out not to be what I want, or I’m not what they want (or both *L*), I accept that about 90% will be a first and only date. I don’t let that discourage me.
And you never know who might turn out to be a real jewel. The young lady I’m seeing I would have never thought I’d go out with, let alone end up with, but her profile made me laugh (in a very good way *S*) even with the one “show stopper” in her profile (may need to rethink my show stoppers I guess *L*) I sent her an email…., but that’s a different story.
Anyway, that’s how I screen. For me it’s worked very well. Didn’t go into my questions or show stoppers, because everyone will have there own idea of what’s important to them. Rachel has the general idea in her comment.
Meeting the families is another chapter, but I agree that relationships have to reach a certain point before that happens.
Rachel, is there a divorce other than “legally”? *S* I should have invested in one of those.
Pardon the length, and any typos.
I don’t even like posting pictures of myself online for every wacko to see. Haha seriously though I have pictures online of my daughter but I keep them for personal family and friends for the most part. However I know I’m over protective.
I don’t post pictures of my kids on dating websites and to be honest I would be put off by a guys profile if they did post pictures of their kids.I find it a little creepy – I also am guarded about talking about my kids in the initial dating period. I am protective of my kids, there is no guarantee a guy will ever get to meet my kids – I did a fair bit of dating last year and only 2 guys met my children – and the 2nd of those only just snuck in before New Year.
I just completed my second round of on-line dating at eharmony. The first time, I did not post my kids’ pictures. But this time around I did. The guy that I dated for the past year never made up his mind about whether or not he was into family life. I don’t want that to happen again. In fact, I won’t even look at guys who respond with “maybe” to the “wants kids” question. I can’t accomodate someone who is unsure about whether or not they want kids. I certainly don’t want to attract anyone who doesn’t dream of having a family.
I have done it both ways, with and without the kids pics. I can say that in addition to wanting to find the love of my life, I am always thinking about the social experiment that online dating is on the side.
I ended up dating a guy for a year that I met on eHarmony who answered the question as to whether or not he wanted to have kids with “Maybe.” I took things slow and didn’t bring the kids into the relationship. But I eventually discovered that falling in love with me didn’t make him any more ready to accept my kids.
After breaking up, I went for a second round on eHarmony and did post a picture of my son and I. It’s a great, fun picture. NOt to mention one of the ONLY recent pictures I have of myself. I can’t accomodate someone who does not want kids and being unsure is not good enough. The people I date have to have a strong desire towards family life. None of this luke warm crap.
P.S. Don’t expect my opinions to be without contradiction – because it does kind of creep me out when men put pictures of their kids up.
Kadie, you need to keep in mind that for many men (myself included) “wants kids” means “do we want to ’sire’ more children”. We don’t want to have more children, but don’t mind children that are already there. I enjoy doing “family” things with “my single mother” and her child. We’re even hoping to do a combined family vacation this year with hers and mine.
But neither of us post our children.