Any advice for a “good guy”?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Tips & Advice
We recently received a touching e-mail from a “good guy” who is obviously smitten:
“I am so glad to find your web site! That’s because I’ve fallen in love with a single mom and I could really use your advice.
I should tell up front: I’m 24 and she’s 36.
I actually met her seven-year-old son first while he was walking the family dog. Our dogs sniffed each other, and then his mom introduced herself.
One conversation led to another and his mom and I started dating. Soon, we were seeing each other exclusively. Her son and I get along very well. I am growing to love him, too.
She has told me that she likes how honest and open I am. I find her strength, beauty, and grace so compelling. Our physical relationship is truly ‘love making.’ (Hookups and booty calls are nothing in comparison!)
Here’s where I need some help:
When I have try to talk about ‘our future,’ she becomes tense. She brushes me off. She doesn’t want to talk about any ‘next steps.’
Obviously, she needs time to sort things out. But I’m wondering what I should do now?”
Dr. Leah, aka The Sanity Fairy, replies:
Without knowing more about this single mom’s background it’s hard to know what this “good guy” should do.
If she’s not ready to open up, no pushing or prodding will change that.
I’d be curious to know:
Is there an “ex factor” that lurks?
Perhaps, this relationship progressed too quickly for this single mom? Is she scared?
Does meeting this “good guy” — while walking the dog with her kid in the park — just feel too good to be true?
Maybe she’s concerned about “the math”? Is she thinking that he was 16 when she got pregnant? Is she hating the thought she might be viewed as a “cougar”?
Do any of these possibilities resonate with you?
Let’s all put our heads together and come up with some wise advice for this “good guy”! Thanks!
A dog led them to each other…
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Not being a single mom (a given since I’m male), I’m not really qualified to comment on what a woman might be thinking.
I can say that in the case of “my” single mom, I have found best to let her set the pace for when she feels comfortable to do or talk about these subjects. In the course of time she moved things forward at the pace that was right for her. The trick for men is to be patient. Every women moves at her own pace.
If it’s “right” it will get there eventually.
Single parents have much to take into account and in their own way. Many are cautious. And justified in being so.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks so much “M”! Very thoughtful and honest comment about single moms.
Do you moms agree?
I’m still new to being a single mom, but I think there are a lot of factors to consider as a single mom dating. Suddenly, the relationship is not just about the two of you, there are her children and possibly her ex as well. No matter how much she’s “over” him, if he’s still in the picture, then he has an impact on everything she does.
I know that in my situation, I worry about my children getting attached to someone else who might leave them.
I worry about my children being confused by the presence of a new man in my life. And as much as my kids adore my boyfriend, they still have times when they are jealous of him.
I worry about my kids saying something to my ex that he will take out of context and try to use against me to say that I’m not being a good mother to them.
I worry about getting my own heart broken again.
I worry about breaking the heart of the “good guy” in my life.
I worry that he doesn’t really understand what he’s getting into. I have very little help with my children but most of the time they are with me. It’s VERY difficult for us to have grownup time alone. For the past several months, he’s been fine with that but I worry that he’ll eventually get frustrated with the situation. He’s also great with my kids but he gets to go home at the end of the night. I worry that he doesn’t really understand what it’s like to have them 24×7.
Also, I’m at a place in my life where a lot of things are changing. I have no idea what my future holds. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what I want my future to hold. So I have a hard time committing to someone else when I’m changing and growing so much myself right now.
This one is hard to put into words, but I have enough “pressure” in my life just taking care of myself and my kids. When my boyfriend tells me that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what, it’s sweet and it’s flattering but it’s also scary. I mean, being the best thing that ever happened to someone is a lot to live up to, you know? That’s a lot of pressure!
The only advice I can give you is to take things at her pace. Enjoy the time you have with her, but don’t push her to move faster than she is willing. Also, don’t be surprised if her boundaries change from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I’m the one driving this relationship and really wanting/needing to know that it’s serious, then something happens (either in my life or in my head!) and suddenly I feel like I need to pull back and regroup and figure out what I’m doing. Bless his heart, my boyfriend is a saint and has stuck by me through all of it but I know it can’t be easy for him!
Hang in there and good luck.
WonderMom: You raise so many excellent points. As you correctly point out, there are so many different things can tug at the hearts and minds of single moms when they are dating.
I find it interesting that I’ve always met a single mom’s children before she’s met mine (if she ever gets to meet mine). Wonder why that is? Maybe I just take too long about *L*.
Hello, Although I sympathize with you on your emotional feelings with this woman, I can tell you from experience that age difference can and will make a difference. Taking responsibility is required here. You are not realistic, ( I apologize for being so blunt ). This age difference is not only detrimental to you and this woman but too those kids. I know that people say that age is not a bearer, but it really is. If you were 34 and she was 44, then maybe not, but 24 and 36 is quite a difference maturity wise. Your feelings also may be due to something other than true love. Search yourself deeply to see if you are possibly enamoured with older woman or possibly this woman strikes a nerve with you about some other fettish., Love and committment are strong actions and they require alot of maturity. That is not to say you are not mature., I am sure that you are., but age differences can surface later in the relationship and cause problems andother can get hurt., and in this case where there is children, it is more wise to leave that one alone. The only way to survive this if there is any chance, and you will pursue this anyway, would be to keep the kids out of it and date this woman for at least a year if not two, if you both find that you can handle all that it takes to make it a LTC, then you will know in that time and the kids wont get hurt if you decide not too go further.
Good Luck.
Jane: Very thoughtful. Problems related to age differences can be subtle, as you rightly point out.
As a single mom I can say that it is very hard to complete the necessary process from being divorced to wanting to couple-up again. I am 2-1/2 yrs out of my marriage, and I was the one who left. Only now am I able to make decisions without having to internally consider my ex’s sensibilities. I’m surely not the only one who needed all that time after 18 yrs of marriage.
And while I date much younger men (28 to my 51), they are only for fun. A serious and long term relationship with someone outside of your age range can be challenging under the best of circumstances.
Whatever you do, don’t push.
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
Oh my. A 12 year age difference is huge, no matter which sex is older. A friend of my mother’s is married to a man over ten years older, and while she is still spry and active at almost 70, her husband has Alzheimer’s. I dated a single father ten years my junior but the gaps were too great for me to deal with, gaps in knowledge, experience, hell, even MUSIC and cultural references were annoying. I’m guessing she’s worried about long term futures with a man so much younger than she is.
The age difference is a lot. My last girlfriend was much younger than me. Our sex was like “making love” – very connected, intimate, intense, loving. But, we were at different life stages. She wants to have kids 10 years from now, and I already have teens. We ended up breaking things off.
A few months later, we reconnected as lovers. Why not just stay together? The life stage thing – we were simply at very different places in life.
As a psychiatrist this is something I’m seeing more of in my practice. In my opinion the defining problem here ‘good guy’ is the age difference not her child. She’s thinking when she’s 50 you’re 38. She’s wondering what her friends and family will say, what the other soccer mom’s will talk about behind her back and so on.
I’m not saying this can’t work, but in this case actions speak louder than words. If she doesn’t want to discuss the future, there’s a reason for that.
So your choices are simple. Either a) enjoy every day and let the pace sort itself out or b) push the issue and risk hearing what you don’t want to hear.
Time solves most situations such as this. Don’t be in a hurry to define the future. Eventually the answer will be very clear for both of you.