Beware of the “marriage museum”
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Sex, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
Rachel and I have spent the weekend de-cluttering — on both coasts.
While Rachel was sorting through outgrown kid clothes – along with items from the deep end of her closet — I’ve tossed the last keepsakes of a defunct relationship. How can it take thirty minutes to throw out three pieces of paper? Did I have to reread everything twelve times?
Can you all can relate?
Yes, we’re both trying to organize our living spaces to create the lives we imagine.
So, this question really got our attention:
Q: “We needed to move very quickly into a much smaller home after my ex decided that the kids and I did not fit into his “enlightened cosmic plan.”
He got his life plan, and I got two school-aged kids, along with a mountain of unlabeled moving boxes. Of course, his life plan does not include regular child support, so I’ve stepped up things big time at work.
On the plus side, I’ve met someone and would like to invite him over without apologizing for the chaos.
Maybe the best solution is to rent a storage locker and put all the boxes into the storage locker until I can deal with them?”
~~~
The Sanity Fairy is happy to respond:
In short, storage lockers are really “marriage museums.”
What does this mean? Well, items from your marriage — which you thought were “too good” to toss, like the wedding registry stemware, or meaningful keepsakes from your wedding day — all end up “at the museum.”
This comes with a price, of course, not to mention the typically inconvenient trek from your home.
The actual financial cost of maintaining a “marriage museum” is huge. As you know, it’s about more than money: the emotional cost here far greater than the cost of the items themselves.
Here’s the real question: if you and your children really needed whatever these boxes contain, you would have already dug through them for the stuff, right?
Moreover, paying “museum costs” is not going to help spice up your love life.
Likely, it has been a while since your droopy and dingy lingerie wardrobe got an update or you treated yourself to a mani/pedi. Think of your de-cluttering efforts as a way to finance those extras. Of course, you also want to feel proud and confident when you welcome this potential love interest into your home.
Men will not mind a few (or many) neatly stacked boxes awaiting attention. A home crammed with stuff that vibrates with anxiety, however, will make most men squirm. (Right, guys?)
Do you agree?
Is any major decluttering happening at your house? What are you getting rid of? Do share.
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
Related posts:
- Are you sleeping on “their” sheets? Has this ever happened to any of you? You’ve had another fun, fabulous date — filled with great conversation,...
- Beware. Facebook owns photos of you, your kids, and more If you haven’t yet heard, Facebook recently changed its terms of service (TOS) — and we’re not the only...
- What happened to your wedding album? We know that all of you are working hard to create the lives you deserve. For many of you, that...
- When a no show parent break promises We receive a lot of e-mails from you about “no show parents.” Here’s the most recent: “My ex-husband got all...
Follow Singlemommyhood on Twitter
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
HHmmm? What to do with all the momentos of love?
Cards…notes…keepsakes. He left and took none of it…LOL! I have it all. Do I purger it…toss it…repurpose? I like re-purpose. Cut up those cards and use in decorating my vision board and prayer board…LOL! or letting the kids have them for scrap booking. It’s time to let it all go.
The timing here is uncanny. I have spent the weekend in a way that bares a bit of similarity.
I am downsizing and the question becomes what to do with the missing person’s belongings. I am moving from three bedrooms (1500 square feet) into two bedrooms (1000 square feet).
The missing person is my daughter and she left them behind when she passed away at the age of 11. I don’t know what to do with all the things from the pretty purple bedroom, I really don’t. It feels dishonoring to her to put them in a box in the garage.
Oh my…I go back and forth in my mind wondering if I can really do this. I know I must and I realize intellectually they are just things. It is these things that represent the connection we have. Each time I lose a piece of that, I feel one bit farther removed and I don’t like it!
I do not intend to compare our scenarios as there isn’t one. I only intend to identify with the anguish that comes along with the actions. That is universal.
Loss and change…very tough.
Won: My thoughts are with you. I hope you have support as you face this most difficult and anguishing task.
I. am. just. not. ready. SIGH.
I posted about this not too long ago. When Ex and I split, I tried to be nice and took just what the kids and I needed and left the rest until we sorted out who got what. Big mistake. Ex took pretty much everything of any monetary value and left the rest of the “junk” that accumulates in a house over the years. Nine months after we separated, the bank was finally ready to foreclose on the house and I was left to clear out everything we wanted. I tried to stay detached and not think about what I was doing…quick and painless…like ripping off a bandaid. I gave a lot of stuff to the neighbors and threw a lot of it away. What I thought was worth keeping got stuffed in boxes and bags and brought to the apartment. Now that I’m trying to sift through those boxes and bags, I find myself throwing away or giving away even more. There are some things that I still don’t know what to do with…the wedding photos, my bouquet, the wine glasses from the reception, the invitations, all the cards from the shower, etc. I just can’t make myself throw those things away but I don’t really know what to do with them either. I’m sure that someday my boys will want the photos…or my grandchildren…or someone…I never throw away photos of anything! But the wedding memorabilia? No one is going to want that but it just seems wrong to throw it out. Right now there is one box of “us” stuff…I guess I can deal with that. I’m sure someday I’ll be able to throw most of it away and then I’ll laugh that I saved it at all but I’m just not there yet. I am learning to fight my packrat tendencies though. I’m planning a trip in the next couple of weeks to take all the baby stuff that is too valuable to just give to goodwill (is that wrong of me?) to a girlfriend who is expecting a baby and in a tight spot financially. All the kids’ outgrown clothes have either gone to goodwill or to a neighbor that has a little boy smaller than mine. And I’m fighting the urge to save every little souvenir of childhood. I keep a few of their drawings and crafts from preschool, but not every little thing. I’m almost 33 and my mom has BOXES of every little thing I ever made or drew or wrote since I was born. She’s trying to declutter now and wants me to come get those things. Honestly, I could care less about them! I’m not going to do that to my boys…I promise I’m not…
I guess I should be thankful. I got the children and she took boxes of things she thought I’d be upset to lose…like our wedding photos, her wedding dress (although our daughter did actually want that), all our wedding gifts and other assorted items that I was happy to see go
. I even through in some things that were given to me by members of her family 
I’ve never had the heart to thank her and give it away that I was happy to be parted with the reminders. (If I ever did that she’d likely try to bring it back).
threw in. It’s late, the mind is fading fast.
A group of us went camping after a friends divorce and we made a bond fire as we inventoried and burned all the reminders his ex left. It was a truck load of stuff.
I love the tip that if something is hard to give away but you know you want to, take a few pictures of the said item. Write the story of it on the back of the picture. It takes far less space to keep a picture then it does the item.
If you ever are in the situation do what I did. Take a LITTLE box and fill with the stuff you think you want to keep. Then leave the other stuff at the ex’s so he has to throw it away. Its easier then doing it yourself… I kept these items for my daughter… My ex before THE ex all I have is one lonely picture not even of him but of the flowers he gave me. If I had a do over I would have taken/kept a single picture.
I do have a storage room of my own crap I pay for that I need to go through…
did see someone mention a vision board…yes i did….yes i did…
….here is another option for everyone….Vision Map Videos….check them out….enjoy!!!…single mom hood…can be the best until the next mr right comes along….
darlene
http://visionmapvideo.blogspot.com/
My ex had all the boxes full of stuff in her garage. Every now and then she’d send one over to my house. This has been going on for nine years of divorce! Just last year, she sent a box with some of my silverware in it. WTF?
Wedding albums surely get mentioned often! That’s really my only marriage museum item. Could not part with those pictures of my family and all my friends.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences.
Twitter @ TheMooksMum
When we split, I was happy to let my packrat ex take the majority of the “stuff”. Even now, 18 months after moving out of the house, I still stumble across items we acquired as a couple and if I’m not using it, then it gets donated or freecycled or sold on Craigslist.
There’s something so very awesome about looking around my apartment and knowing that everything in it is mine. I didn’t have to compromise my idea of decor (so very shabby chic) and I’m glad I’m not sleeping on the bed our daughter was conceived in.
But I will confess that, in the back of my closet, is the shadow box I made with tokens from our wedding. I’m saving that for our daughter, along with my engagement ring and wedding band.
Did anyone see Gary Unmarried last night? It touched on this topic…including what *not* to do with naked photos!