Does your kid sleep with you?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Tips & Advice
Wonder Mom recently posted about a recent success: her little boys stayed in their own beds for the whole night!
Here’s what really caught our attention from her post:
“Lately, both of them wind up in my bed most nights — and it’s getting a little old.”
~~~
You are not alone when you struggle with this parenting dilemma. Pediatricians and psychologists listen to parents’ worries about kids coming into their beds all the time.
As parents, we’re constantly besieged by dueling authorities on seemingly every topic. We understand that kids sharing your bed is an issue. However, the challenge here is very different than, say, the pacifier debate or the vaccine controversy.
That’s because kids sharing your bed is an emotionally charged topic on a gut level.
First of all, just to be clear, we’re not talking about co-sleeping, a philosophical choice not unlike home schooling. In this case, “the family bed” is an evening routine.
As kids get older, especially, most parents do not opt for a “family bed.” We’re all familiar with opening one eye and seeing a little face staring at us, begging to come into your bed. We’ve all let a feverish child share our bed so both of us get some rest. We’ve likely all succumbed to the pleading to sleep in our bed “as a treat.”Of course, when kids are on “stress overload” they often ask to sleep with us.
If these kid behaviors are all so “normal,”why do we feel so torn when the kids want to sleep with us?
Just starters, sleeping with your child often results in an uninterrupted night’s sleep. Also, many of us feel shadowy cultural taboos about bed sharing. Should we “just say no” or does our kid really need that extra measure of comfort? Are we not doing enough to make our kids feel safe and secure during the day?
In short, when kids ask to sleep with us, it’s way more complicated than when they haunt us for more screen time or another snack. We worry that we might be doing some kind of emotional damage if we relent or if we insist they stay in their own bed. We feel guilty and conflicted no matter what decision we make.
Here’s the real truth: no one should make the rules at your house except you.
This perspective has been comforting and helpful to many parents, so we’re passing it along.
When your kid pleads to share your bed, ask yourself whose emotional needs you’re going to meet. If you welcome the comfort of another human in your bed — or feel relieved not to spend the night alone — please take a step back and understand that this kid request likely reflects an attempt to meet your emotional needs. This is way too much emotional responsibility for any youngster.
If you sense, however, that your kid needs just that extra bit of cuddling or attention — because of his/her temperament or a something that happened during the day — then, of course, it’s your kid who’s emotionally stressed out.
What’s your perspective on this parenting dilemma?
Do you have any sensible suggestions for parents struggling with this bed time quandary?
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Dr. Leah, Thank you for this wonderful article and I love your advice! Ever since you mentioned this to me, I’ve been anxiously awaiting this post but I was a little nervous too. I have to admit, I’m pleasantly surprised!
As for my take on the sleeping situation, I’ve always said that you have to do what works for your family and not worry about what anyone else thinks. If something is not working, though, you need to change it.
Thanks again!
P.S. Three nights in a row in their own beds the entire night!
Wondermom’s last blog post..Reality sets in all around…
Wonder Mom: Hurrah! Let’s hope this “winning streak” continues.
I’m a mother, first and foremost, and when it comes to this parenting dilemma, believe me, I’ve got plenty of real life experience.
Never let my son sleep in my bed. It was a choice when he was born. Never wanted him to come between my ex and myself. From what I’ve heard once you cross that boundary it’s really hard to get them out again.
Mike’s last blog post..Damn You To Hell!!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Teaching our children to be comfortable in their own beds starts as soon as they’re born. While infants they have to learn to comfort themselves and it’s a process they learn with our help. Same goes for when they are out of the crib and in a bed of their own. Just because they can physically get up and join us in our beds doesn’t mean they should. Sure there’s the excpetion like when they are sick, but as a rule we all have our own beds.
My daughter comes in for a “snuggle” every morning when she wakes up. If that’s too early, like 2am, I tell her it’s still “sleepy time” and she has to go back to bed. She does and then when it is morning I welcome her into my bed for our morning snuggle.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Four Blind Dates in Five Weeks
Due to the age of my children I don’t have this problem anymore. However, when they were young it was a common item. My solution was very simple. I did not want my children to get use to coming to my bed for any of the variety of reasons that would draw them to me. I did want to meet the need they had for being with me. So most of the time I went to their room and shared part of their bed.
Not to say that there weren’t some times that I let them come to bed with me, but that was the exception rather than the norm. As a result my children were quite content to be in their room.
After all, it was me they needed, not my bed. And after they were back to sleep I usually went back to my bed.
I think this is very different for men. My kids have crawled into my bed just a couple of times and usually when they were sick. They wanted to be closer to me in the mornings for a few months after we first had a new home but then they went back to their own beds and actually let me sleep in each day.
I dated a woman who from my perspective allowed her son to sleep in her bed most nights as much because it made her feel better as it did him. It caused a few problems.
No, my 16 year old daughter does not sleep with me. But thank your for asking. (smile… I know this post is meant for parents with younger kids)
I think it’s healthy for kids to sleep on their own. And there’s nothing wrong with cuddling up with dad or mom for a bit in the morning.
OK, I gotta speak up for the cosleepers here. Before my children were born, I was adamantly opposed to cosleeping for many of the same reasons mentioned by other commenters. Then Squirt was born and I realized I didn’t know quite as much as I thought I did. He nursed every hour around the clock. No amount of stuffing or starving would stretch out those feedings…it was just the way he was. He was a few months old before I finally gave in and let him sleep in my bed and suddenly realized that all three of us (Squirt, Ex, and me) were happier and slept better that way. It worked for us. And it didn’t come between Ex and me…I was still nursing and cosleeping when Pork Chop was conceived on the floor in the office. If anything, it might have helped our sex lives because we had to be a little more creative. “Everyone” expected me to kick Squirt out of our bed when the baby was born but I refused. We were perfectly comfortable with the family bed concept…our experience had been so great and we had seen both sides. Well, Pork Chop was born and his personality and temperament were so different from his brother! He didn’t nurse to sleep…he ate what he wanted and then wanted to be swaddled with his paci and put in his own space. I tried and tried to get him to sleep with us but he refused. In a bassinet beside the bed he’d sleep 12 or 13 hours…in my bed, he’d fuss and fidget all night long. He loved to be held or carried in a sling all day but at bedtime he wanted his own space. So, I just rolled with it. When he was a couple of months old, I put him in a crib in his own room…his older brother still slept with us full time. It seemed a little strange but we did what worked for everyone. Honestly, I still have no problem cosleeping with Squirt and wish that I could make it work until he was ready to give it up. It is easier for me if he starts the night in his own bed but I have no problem at all with him joining me when he wakes up in the middle of the night (usually about 2 minutes after I turn everything off and go to bed myself!) He’s such a busy child during the day (and sometimes frustrating!) so I enjoy that time when he’s completely calm and so sweet and innocent. I also love waking up to a slobbery kiss good morning and a smile…it just works for us. The problem that I have now is that Pork Chop is almost 3 and wants to do everything his brother does. If he wakes up in the middle of the night and realizes that Brother is not in his bed, then Pork Chop gets jealous and wants to sleep with me too…but he still doesn’t sleep well with someone close to him. So you can imagine with the three of us in a full bed, he’s miserable and none of us sleep. If he could sleep peacefully in the same bed as someone else, I would probably invest in a king sized bed and all three of us would sleep together. If he would continue to sleep all night like he always has and not get jealous of his brother, I’d be happy to sleep with just the older one even though it seems strange. But for now, I have to find something that works for all three of us which is why I’m “encouraging” them to stay in their beds all night. I’m still not forcing the issue though…they both seem to be open to making this transition right now so I’m working with them. If I were getting any fair amount of resistance, I would look for an alternate solution…it has to work for everyone, not just for me or for one kid.
And my mother frequently tells me that I “created” sleep issues with Squirt and I learned my lesson with Pork Chop and did better with him. WRONG!! Squirt was the way he is from day 1…I didn’t create anything. I just allowed him to be himself and worked within his comfort zone. I tried hard to get Pork Chop to sleep with me but he was different from day 1 and I had to learn to work within his comfort zone too.
There’s nothing wrong with cosleeping if it works for everyone involved. There’s nothing wrong with not cosleeping if it doesn’t work for you. You have to figure out what works for EVERYONE in your family and go with that. I just hate when I hear the judgment and assumptions on both sides.
Wondermom’s last blog post..I need to hear from divorcees
I’m a firm believer of sleeping in their own bed. Although Dirt Bike Boy co-sleeps with mom when he’s at her house. I’ve always been frustrated and never agreed with her allowing this. I agree with Dadshouse.. They should sleep on their own.
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M: The kids need to be with you not in your bed …important observation. Thanks so much for adding your perspective and experience.
Just passing this information along …For years, most pediatricians have gently (or vigorously) urged parents to let their infants sleep in a crib, a bassinet, or, indeed, almost anywhere but the parent’s bed. Parents—especially in the last few years—have pushed back against doctors, arguing that it is both natural and beneficial for babies to co-sleep with parents.
There are new research data available to support what most pediatricians and health care providers have been saying all along: There is substantial risk in infant-parent bed sharing, and parents should be aware of this risk before bringing babies to bed to sleep with them. For our pregnant readers or brand new moms(and dads) – If you are considering co-sleeping with your newborn, please discuss it first with your pediatrician or health care provider.
Can’t say I was following any advice from our pediatrician. I just know that children develope habits as they grow. I wanted mine to know that they would always have access to me and I would be there for them, but my room was not their room. They could go to their room for privacy and my room was for my privacy. If they needed me I would come to them. It’s worked at extremely well for all of us.
Co-sleeping was a no-brainer for me when my son was born. My first post separation relationship, though, got me thinking about the ahem, practicalities of it…plus that ex-boyfriend was really critical of co-sleeping (and my other parenting ideas) which is part of why he is an EX!
Now my son (3) goes to sleep in his own bed, and usually crawls back in my bed by 3 am. Half the time I don’t notice. And I really don’t mind.
The only time it might get awkward is if I were to be in another relationship where someone was “sleeping over” on a more regular basis. I have faith that soon he will sleep through the night in his own bed, and am not too worried about it.
Mama Dharma’s last blog post..Creative Emergence
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
So true Mike! Once the kid is in your bed… it’s a challenge to get him/her out. I’m speaking from personal experience here!
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I can’t go to sleep with the girls in my bed, so they go to sleep in their room, but inevitably either one or both of them will end up in my bed and that’s fine with me.
April’s last blog post..X Chronicles continued