Are you a married mom who feels like a single mom?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships, Tips & Advice
“I feel like I’m a single mom, although I’m married,” a mother recently emailed us.
She is not the first married mom to come to Singlemommyhood to confess that she, too, feels like a single mom (FLASM). Can you relate to this dilemma?
“My husband and I both work full-time jobs and then he decided after our first child was born that he wanted to start a business,” she explains about her husband of 12 years. “Now I am raising two kids pretty much by myself. I still work full-time and he is working full-time — and part-time — in his workshop. I feel like I have no control over my life or kids.”
Although her husband is at home every night, she says that he’s not really there mentally or emotionally.” He never plays with the kids only jumps in to discipline. I feel like my kids think, ‘Daddy is always upset with me’ because when he is in the house, they fight for his attention and he fights them for mine.”
“I’d like to think we can work this out, but I don’t know if I have the energy anymore. I just want to only have to worry about myself and the kids. I have already detached myself from him emotionally… Do you have any suggestions?”
~~~
Yes, we do! Here’s what our Sanity Fairy says:
It’s tempting to look at this married mom’s situation and conclude that her circumstances may be relatively enviable. At least she gets financial support. Their marriage is simply vacant –rather than abusive or filled with anger and fighting. And she’s got somebody to back her up when the kids get rowdy, right?
But I don’t agree.
This married mom feels no control over her life — and that’s scary. Feeling detached emotionally is a painful feeling, especially when you’re ostensibly sharing your life “til death do us part.”
And how about love? It appears to be missing from her relationship, which is rather tragic and telling, don’t you think?
We’re curious: How do you feel about this married mom’s situation?
We also can’t help but wonder at Singlemommyhood: Who might shoulder the greater burden here? Would it be a single mom — or the married mom who copes without the emotional support of her spouse?
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While I was never married, I lived with my son’s father for a year of my son’s life. While I wouldn’t want to push my choices on another mother in a dilemma, and while it does in fact sound like there might be something in her relationship worth saving, my experience was that the single mom unattached burden was different (not harder or easier) and better than when my ex and I lived together.
I don’t think we every really have control of our lives, things happen and we can’t do much about it. However, if you take the example of wanting another baby. The burden of wanting another child when you are completely single is easier to bare I think. You know what your current resources are, you know you might have to do some waiting or some work to get there, but there is no one there to blame, to have your hopes stomped on by. While if you are in a vacant relationship, you can’t really work towards these things, realize your resources and move on…
The problem with feeling like a single mom when you are not technically single is that you are doing all the work, and someone else is sitting right there that could and should be helping you. There is nothing more defeating than to have to nag for help. Or to feel completely alone all the time next to the person that should be there beside you working for the betterment of your family.
Leaving my relationship to become single meant I had so much more available to me. I had more resources from the government available to me. My family and friends were more willing to step in and help when I was struggling–it was no longer messing in my relationship, but helping me in a time of need. I feel stronger, I’m not as mad all of the time, and yes I have a bit more work than before, but none of the emotional work involved in being in a bad relationship. And that for me has made all the difference.
Samantha´s last blog ..Another Budget Jewel
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
This situation was very similar to my marriage. My husband is a Chef, and a self-proclaimed workaholic. For the first 3 years of our marriage – I FLASM. I was 19 with a baby, and very isolated because I chose to be a SAHM. He then took another job with fewer hours and I began getting out more – school full time, trained for a few races, I was FREE! But then, he got really isolated and began to feel like a single parent!
Finding the right balance is hard, it’s one of the most difficult aspects in my relationship – especially with children. The only way to battle it is to COMMUNICATE, which, yes, can be difficult if both people aren’t on the same page. So it takes honesty, time, lots of conflict (Not a bad thing!), and self-reflection to figure out if you’re in the right place (this is why I started my blog). For us, it also took a “blow up in your face” moment to realize we needed to make changes. Sometimes I still feel very lonely, but I’m trying to work on the right balance between being together and time apart.
Personally, I don’t like looking at parenting situations as more difficult for single or married parents. I read so many diverse blogs because I like to see many different perspectives on parenting and relationships – I just think it’s all hard, especially when you go through an emotionally trying time.
StudentMama´s last blog ..How much is too much?
I have a hard time with this a lot of times when married moms say this but it sounds like in this case it is really true.
I wish her the best of luck.
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
I am an ex-single mom…meaning that I am divorce but now in an amazing relationship and I have to share that I feel much more supported now then I ever was during the marriage. I was always the one taking care of the kids and having a father that is emotionally unavailable is hard on everybody. Not to say that ending the relationship is the answer I can now see how things could have played out differently. I believe things can be done about his lack of involvement. I feel like sometimes being reminded of what we have is a hard but worthwhile lesson. Using techniques to create some space between him and you might just do the trick. I am not suggesting to leave just be involved and excited in something that is not “with him” it makes us feel better and feeling better does make us look more attractive. I hope this helps and good luck!
Manon´s last blog ..Is it true can you really get your ex boyfriend back?
I think what she is experiencing is very similar to what a single mom experiences, with slight differences. Instead of having to deal with the emotional issues of seeing and working with someone you don’t really want to deal with, you have to deal with emotionally supporting someone who isn’t there for you and is causing more issues in the family by competing with the kids.
What I do tell my married friends with kids is to be thankful that you have someone there so you can take a shower and not have to worry about coming out of the shower to hear the baby screaming and wondering how long they have been awake. Or to make that quick run to the store at the last minute.
I FLASM even when I was married because my ex was military. He was deployed for 75% of our marriage. He couldn’t adjust to the fact that our daughter was a priority. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do without the responsibilities of parenthood. He would compete with our daughter for my attention and resources. Now, he pretends that she is a priority by spending all afternoon watching cartoons when it isn’t about her, that’s what he does even when she isn’t around.
So, while it is tough, I think she should start setting some boundaries. He needs to take responsibility for the kids at least one night a week. Set aside one night a week for the two of them…he closes the workshop early and she gets the kids to bed early. Otherwise, the writing is on the wall.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think many marriages are like this. More than we realize. If this FLASM thinks living on her own (separation & divorce) will be easier, she needs to think again, and think carefully.
Her exhaustion and frustration are clear and understandable. I’m sure her husband has frustrations of his own. There may still be a salvageable marriage, or renewal of something better. Or, things may go the way of many marriages. To dissolution.
Clearly, we as readers have none of the particular details, including which state this mom lives in. And the law varies greatly by state. No mother should assume she will get support or alimony or anything else to assure her children of what they need. In some instances, women who have worked full-time outside the home while bearing the greater burden of parenting are penalized financially for that work history. And “doing it all” on your own and managing custody and visitation issues as well as the emotional drama to the children is another set of pressures that can be both emotionally and professionally costly.
My suggestion would be to seek counsel for herself – emotional, legal, financial, and familial if that’s available. Prepare for the worst.
Living without love and without a sense of control is one thing; it’s pretty awful. I know. But there are things that are worse, if she doesn’t pave the way with information enough to ensure financial and logistical support, whichever way things turn out.
Never assume. Not about your partner. Not about the court system.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Women walking away
I was a FLASM, now I’m divorced. For me, it’s easier now than it ever was then. I no longer stay up at night wondering where he is, who he’s with, whether he’s driving drunk, writing checks his ass can’t check…you get the picture. Not being in her shoes, I can’t say which would be easier for her, but for me, its easier (less stressful) without him, plus I no longer have unrealistic expectations about him or our relationship. As far as the financial aspect goes, he has court ordered child support that he hasn’t paid since the divorce almost 2 years ago and I still say it’s easier without him. I’d rather be a little stressed about money than a lot stressed about him.
CJ´s last blog ..BLOGAWOL
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
Oh gods, yes. I was a single mom from the moment I went into labor. I remember finally just telling my husband to get some sleep, because he just wasn’t THERE for me as the labor progressed. He didn’t make an effort to bond with the baby, and I tried to explain to him he was missing out, but he said infants are boring blobs.
As our son grew, the ex grew more distant, challenging, inappropriate. When he was around, he liked to push our toddler until he cried. I don’t think that’s how loving fathers are supposed to act. I was a maid, a servant, a laundress, a cook, a nanny, and a sex slave whenever I could bring myself to let him touch me–how on earth could I have sex with a man who wasn’t there? It was hell. I know we’re all better off without him.
Solomother´s last blog ..Do you know what your kids are reading?
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
LOL I meant to say we’re all better off now. Geez. Hostile, much? Sorry. It was a bad bad time. He’s happier now, the kid is amazing, and I am no longer cutting off large portions of my psyche to survive the relationship. A win win situation all around.
Solomother´s last blog ..Do you know what your kids are reading?
This really touched me, as I feel that my mom feels the same way! She is married, but does so much, and usually it goes unnoticed. I need to start thanking her more often, but as a 20 year old male, I’m pretty secretive about my emotions (however, I’m not going to go down that route of most males–I’m opening up!).
I heart and support goes out to all mothers like the one in the story. Feeling as if you have no control of your life, the home, or your kids. I can only want to relate, to offer my sympathy. But I can’t fully comprehend how it must feel to be in this situation, but I can tell you that it hurts to be unappreciated at times.
Thank you again for another great post! I love this blog because it seriously makes you think.
Amy, from Sept. 13 I am in a very similar situation and I feel your pain, sadness, lonliness and basic hopelessness about the future with the husband. Tonight is the first night I started searching for others in the same situation and now I realize I am a FLASM and probably will be for the rest of my life. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone, but awful that there are so many of us out there and we don’t know what our options are. Or do we and we don’t want to admit it?
As of late I have devised a plan. It has been tough, but I just keep focusing on my goal. I have gone back to school for a higher degree so someday I might make more $ than him and maybe have the guts to leave or at least be able to live the life I want to without having to use his $ and feel guilty about it. I get a lot of, “Who pays the mortgage” comments. My hubby has also maybe given 5 baths in 30 months and averages 2 diapers a week, and that’s on a good week. Gross part is that when we are around family or friends, he acts like superdad and will say, “oh honey, let me do that for you.” It’s total BS…
I have also been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist. I was so worn down after my son’s birth and lack of help from dad and family I needed to get physically and emotionally healthy. Both Dr.’s have said that if pretending to be a single mom helps, then do it. By being a FLASM, I can focus on the task at hand and not get wrapped up in how angry and sad I am. When I am stronger emotionally and physically I will stand up for myself. (hopefully)
I have a neighbor who is also a FLASM and we started a baby-sitter swap plan. I baby-sit one night and she and her husband go out. I just walk to her place and read or work or sleep and can feel “guiltless” because I am baby-sitting. MY husband also feels ok since our son is usually in bed and I am “nearby” so to speak.
She is returning the favor soon and she plans of resting b/c she has a 5 year old and a 2 year old and is expecting a 3rd and can never get a nap. This way we are kind of getting a night off from our own life and the other can go do something with the husband, which might not hurt.
Anyway, these are just some thought I have and I feel better tonight knowing I am not alone. Sleep well FLASM sisters and stay strong, and stay together!