When is it okay to have sex in your own house?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
Let’s face it, we all reach this point eventually:
After pouring everything you have into your children and your career — along with the casserole dish you just scrubbed and the kitchen floor you just mopped (again) — you miss YOU.
Yes, you are finally starting to believe that you deserve to have a social life apart from your five-year-old’s tea parties and soirees. You can’t remember the last time you flirted — certainly not with the other parents at the soccer field, or the latest PTA event.
How did American Idol and The Bachelor become such integral parts of your life?
You miss having a man in your life, and, frankly, you miss sex.
But when you recently tried to share these feelings — okay, it was to your mother — she was appalled.
You’ve scoured the self-help books, listened to Dr. Phil, and overheard various cautionary tales at Mommy and Me.
It’s hard to ignore their loud and clear message: dating with children is complicated and fraught with risk.
You totally get the Golden Rule: keep private life separate from your children’s lives. Yes, of course.
You’ve been through a lot, however, and you’ve changed. These changes are (mostly) good. You’re getting more confident, and at the end of the day, you’re learned that only you can make the “rules” in your life.
No doubt, you know your own children better than anyone else. You understand what their life experiences have been. You intuitively know their reactions to transition and change.
You’ve got your eye on someone and he’s looking back. Someone wants to fix you up. You’re invited to an event which sounds “very promising.” You’ve gone on a couple of dates and the chemistry is compelling.
You feel alive for the first time in what seems forever.
But, you’re a responsible mom and you’re all about planning ahead.
Certain realities must be faced: 24/7 responsibilities, no extra cash for babysitting, or, perhaps, you’d just like to have sex in your own bed.
You want to feel comfortable as a mom that you are doing the right thing, but you also want to nurture the woman you feel inside.
So, now what?
First, there’s no way you’re going to chat with your mother on this topic again. And it’s a bit personal for Mommy and Me.
You need some help figuring out the BIG question.
So, please tell us: When is is okay to have sex in your own house?
We thank Abby Carter at Alchemy of Loss for her inspiration on this one.
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Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Okay, so I’ll say it. I keep lots of batteries in the house. And I always need more. That’s my usual way.
I have had sex in my house with the children asleep in the other room, but it’s been a long time. Usually, it’s been with someone that the girls know – a friends with benefits kind of situation. But that friend moved (!) so my sex life has been mostly limited to either solo activities – or when I’m on a cruise ship.
April’s last blog post..Education Rant March 2009
Yes, it is absolutely ok to have sex in your own house. With the children in the house. What is the issue? Sex is what got you the child (in my case a few more
).
Adults having sex in the privacy of a room (doesn’t have to be the bed room, does it?) doesn’t seem to turn our children into nut cases. If it did most of must be nut cases. I know my parents had sex when I was in the house (and sometimes with each other:)), but that’s a different story).
I’m not saying go out to a bar, get drunk and let the first guy that hits on you, (or girl that looks acceptable if you male), go home with you for a wild night on the floor. But there have been times when I’ve met someone and it felt right, or special, or whatever you want to call it. Ok, maybe I waited until the second or third date to make sure. But if the children are asleep, and dad and his lady friend are feeling passionated, then I’m all for two consenting doing what feels right for them.
I’ve even had sex while the children were awake outside, or playing in their rooms. Just didn’t announce “hey kids, dad’s going to be having sex so don’t bother me”.
My children know that dad is a sexual man. They just think I’m too old to still be that way (can’t wait until they’re my age).
I think it’s like how much sex is enough. Who know’s. It’s a personal choice. I would say to try to keep it to a minimum unless the kids have met the person.
What’s on my mind is that your kids will be older one day and want the same rights that you have in the house.
Mike’s last blog post..The New Math
I’m still trying to address this right over at babycenter.com.
People just can’t seem to get over it. I swear everyone thinks that single moms bring home the next random guy they meet, have unprotected sex with him infront of the kids, which eventually leads to child abuse, and the kid ending up as a “future stripper.”
Isn’t there a sane way to do this? Are we not sensible, intelligent adults? Apparently not, because we went and had a child out of wedlock.
I say YES, it IS okay to have sex in your own house! Its obviously more complicated for single parents, but we can do it without harming the souls of our children.
I think I’m all commented out today. I’ve only tried defending this on 4 different websites. I’m exhausted.
Hanna’s last blog post..Solution & update
Twitter @ honoree
I’m going to say that they probably SHOULD be asleep ~ whether you’re single or not! What’s the difference between the married folks having sex with their kids in the house and the single folks? I think its about creativity (making sure they are oblivious) and timing (after they are asleep, at school or on a playdate). Let’s face it ~ sex does a body good and a happy mom means a happy kid.
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
I love both Hanna and Honoree’s answers. They said it all. I have done it and would do it again. When my kid’s asleep, my door is locked, etc., I see no issue. I’m an adult. I know how to kick a man out of my bed at 2 a.m. well before my son wakes up. I’ve also slept at a guy’s house with my son in the guest room (he was a long-term boyfriend, but still…). I’m a happy sexy mom and I don’t see an issue.
PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Crap on a cracker and no sleep
Thank you for making me the inspiration for your post. I think it must have been my comment on dadshouseblog.com that got this one rolling. I was surprised to learn there, that the common wisdom among single parents is to not have sex in the house when the kids are there. My point, was that if I did that (given my widow status, then I would likely never have sex). I am so relieved to read here that there is an alternative wisdom.
God knows I spent a childhood with a rather, um, let’s just say “vocal” parent, so perhaps my view is a little skewed. The good news is that I didn’t grow up to be a stripper. Well, not in public anyway…
Abby Carter’s last blog post..The Happy Project
I am with Hanna and Honoree as well! What’s the big deal?
Do I bring strange men home? Absolutely not! But what’s the difference between the sex I had with my ex-husband (while my son was asleep) and the sex I have with my boyfriend (while my son is asleep)?
The only difference seems to be my “Single Mom” status, as if that means I am no longer a responsible, sexual, consenting adult.
Juggle Jane’s last blog post..So Hard
M: I love your common sense down to earth comments.
Hanna: Thanks for your heroic comment posting. Many single moms were married when their children were conceived, but “dead beat” dads are rampant and usually absent both emotionally and financially. So, these divorced moms have essentially the same issues as moms who never married. Out of wedlock has a certain Victorian sound, don’t you think? How about single moms by choice or chance?
Abby: Thanks again for your inspiration. Glad to know you have discovered that there is NOT a common wisdom that single parents avoid sex in their own homes.
We’re committed at singlemommyhood to help everyone make the right choices for their own individual lives. No judgments, criticism, and, definitely, no rules.
Honoree: Kids should be asleep? Yes, of course.
Q: When is it okay to have sex in your own house?
Some common answers come to mind:
1.) When you own the home free & clear. (Work out the math on that one, and decide which country we’d invade first…)
2.) With the kids asleep, drugged or otherwise restrained. In a different room, and hopefully a different floor.
3.) When it’s late & quiet enough and to go deep enough into the basement so no one hears.
4.) When you can do it outdoors in the comfortable car with the good seats, (covered, ‘natch) in the detached garage or carport. In a pinch, behind the house & away from street traffic. (HT: KW!)
5.) Why when the kids are all raised & out of the home of course!
6.) Whenever dad’s/mom’s away for longer than 30 min.
7.) At least once a year/season, whether we need it or not!
8.) At the end of the accounting period, but generally not when school’s in session.
9.) Only when on vacation or sabbatical.
10.) Only when the kids are away.
11.) Only when we can herd all the dogs/cats and animals away from the area in question.
12.) As long as we have enough batteries/electric.
13.) Never us, we’re married!
14.) When enough of the supplies have been gathered. Ropes, pulleys, belay gear…
15.) With the right doc’s proper opinion & those ’special pills’.
16.) When the bag, bowels bladder are empty, and the chair out of the way.
17.) When the moon & stars are in perfect alignment and a Democrat’s in the WH.
18.) Not quite ever too safe living in several ‘Southern’ states. (See ‘Bowers v Hardwick’).
19.) Don’t have ‘own house’, and hence must use others & motels.
20.) As long as the TV a’int playing anything silly or too stupid.
Again just some thoughts. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
VJ’s last blog post..I’ve entered my Dad in a photo contest
I’m newly divorced, but I’ve already started wondering about this. I guess I’d initially try to schedule my dates for evenings when my child is with her dad; however, if that doesn’t coincide with one of my special nights (that I’d so love to have one of these days!), I agree that there isn’t anything wrong w/it if the little one is asleep and unaware of what’s going on. Ultimately, it is what works for each family. So far, though, I’m still trying to even fathom what a date would feel like!
Lara’s last blog post..What Works: Energy and Love
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Whenever I freakin feel like it! (keeping in mind everything that was in your post, of course)
MindyMom’s last blog post..Conflict
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Wow, Juggle Jane, I love how you put this: “The only difference seems to be my “Single Mom” status, as if that means I am no longer a responsible, sexual, consenting adult.”
You are all breaking stereotypes today like crazy. Thanks.
I get the feeling you’re all referring to kids under the age of 10 — little kids. Hit the real tween (10-12) or teen (13-18) years and you have kids who stay up later than you – and are quite in tune to things. It’s completely different than putting kids to bed at 8 or 9 or even 10 and having the rest of the night on your own with someone. It’s more difficult to date with older kids imo, so you all with little kids should really pack it in while you can!
Amy Sue Nathan’s last blog post..How does the economy effect dating?
Oh and to answer the direct question when is it ok to have sex in your own house?
When the teenagers are not home and can’t pull into the garage and suddenly *be home.*
Amy Sue Nathan’s last blog post..How does the economy effect dating?
Amy, you make an excellent point and are correct about the joys of having older children around. It can still be managed though. Mine ranged from 13 to 6 when I became a single dad. Takes some planning (and jumping on the chance when suddenly they are staying at friends and visiting family all on the same day or night). Of course it’s interesting when you’ve been at her house, or a hotel and return home about 5 am (before your’s or her’s wake up). After they get up your 18 year old questions you about “what time did you get home? You weren’t home at 2 this morning.”
At least I don’t get the “you’re too old to be doing that” lecture anymore.
As for those who worry about a negative impact on the children. Can’t say about all children. None of mine think they can bring their boy/girl friend over for sex. My 20 year old is a virgin who is waiting until married. I guess that’s still ok, or is that now viewed as a bad thing by those who think a parent being sexual will mess up the children?
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
M: I do think you need to be a bit more spontaneous when you have older kids. Their plans are always changing at the last minute . . .
Your daughter’s personal choice is just that …personal. We’re all about respecting the personal choices of everyone at singlemommyhood.
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..When is it okay to have sex in your own house?
Wow, was this timely. TNG (the new guy) is coming over tonight, and while we won’t be having sex, we may be engaging in similar activities, and the little one is home and in bed. This is because 2 different babysitters backed out at the last minute on our original plans to go to a movie, so I’ve been looking for validation re: my decision to have him come over after hours — thanks, everyone!!
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
For me personally I am not having sex in my house while my children are sleeping. That’s it. There is no negotiating that. I am no prude…I can swing from the chandeliers with the best of them.
I am what’s between the world and my children. They only know their father sleeping in my room, in my bed. I want the distance. I want the separation of mommy and sex goddess. I am very conscious of the message that I send to them about choices and decisions.
Not trying to take the moral high ground. I just know what I gotta do for my kids. can pack an overnight bag in a NY minute. I can make arrangements for weekend care. I can even make plans during the week. But NO ONE IS SLEEPING OVER while my children are home!
Lovebabz’s last blog post..NINA SIMONE…FEELING GOOD
“None of mine think they can bring their boy/girl friend over for sex. My 20 year old is a virgin who is waiting until married. I guess that’s still ok,”
What you say wreaks of hypocrisy. My mother did that – having sex in the living room with her boyfriend when she THOUGHT I was sleeping (and coming at 2AM would wake me up just in time to hear the festivities) and then would not even allow me to date! She even freaked out if a boy called the house asking for me. She literally, word-for-word said, “Men, they all have a d-ck and are just looking to stick it somewhere. Keep your skirt down, your panties up and your legs closed.” Then I would get to hear her and her boyfriend have sex in the living room which grossed me out so much that it dampened my own evolving libido for at least a couple days afterwards. I asked why she could have boyfriends and have sex and I couldn’t even entertain a guy’s interest – at 16, an otherwise appropriate age to date and her answer was “I’m the adult and you’re the child.”
What if your 20 year old virgin was just so put off by sex by perhaps hearing your partners moan during the act that he/she ended up somewhat sexually maladjusted never having a decent sexual relationship until well into his or her 30s or perhaps later? It may sound appealing to you now for your kids to stay virgins until their late 20s or 30s but you may not be so happy when they are pushing 40 and are near virgins, with maybe 3 honest to goodness sex partners for no more than a couple of months at a time at most, no real boyfriends or girlfriends, never really falling in love and no relationships on the horizon.
Funny, some 20 years after that whole speech of keep your skirt down, etc., my mother now asks me why I don’t have a boyfriend.
It is my opinion and I am no psychologist, that for people to develop a healthy sexuality, they have to believe they have discovered it themselves. This is why people are grossed out by people much older than them having sex. If you have to visualize people at lest 20 years older than you having sex all the time you might be more likely to think sex is gross. You have to believe that it is illicit and exiting. Anything your parents do and enjoy regularly is never going to be illicit and exciting.
So please, as someone who lived through the kid’s end of this as a 9 year old, a 12 year old and a 16-18 years old, PLEASE refrain from overt sexuality (including making out and serious tongue kissing – EEWWW) in front of your kids, especially if they are teens. Just imagine your maybe 70 or 80 year old parents doing that in your earshot or in front of you next time you are tempted. EEWWWWW.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Treifalicious — in no way are we encouraging single parents to show affection in front of their kids. We’re encouraging the opposite, actually. Ideally, carry out all of your romance when your kids are not home. But you are an adult. If you do have someone over, we encourage you to be affectionate behind closed doors, without making any noise…. Of course, it’s your choice in the end. You’re the parent. You know best.