Jason Mesnick on The Bachelor. Does he really represent dating single dads?

Comments

1. Tracey says:

   January 14, 2009 at 9:09 am

   I have found that many single dads my age (early forties) have kids who are teenagers or older. They don’t really know what to make of a woman like me who is their age, but has a preschooler. Some just are not interested in “starting all over again” as they say, with parenting a young child. And because I am a single mom by choice, with no dad in the picture, they feel pressure that they will be the only father figure. I see it as a positive, in that I have no ex drama, but then again, I don’t have any shared custody. My daughter is with me all the time.
2. Jim H. says:

   January 14, 2009 at 9:20 am

   This is going to be long.

   It depends. I’ve only dated one woman with a boy. I’ve got two boys at home.

   I’m on Match.com, and when I see a woman who talks about her boy in terms like “He’ll always be #1″, or “He’s the most important thing in my world”, I tend to shy away from them. They’ve already got the “hero” thing going on – their boy is their prince, the hero of their world. As a man, I can’t compete with that. So why should I? Why should I try to get into a relationship where I will always be #2?
   I know this from experience. I adopted my wife’s son when he was three. He just started college this year. When he was a teen at home, my wife always took his side, he could do no wrong, she hated it when I argued with him, etc., etc. It was a big part of her leaving. Not his fault, he was only being a teen. But HE was her hero, not me. He’s a good kid, and I love him very much. I don’t mind him being #1, but why couldn’t I have been #1, too? Love doesn’t have to choose. My other boys are also adopted, and neither hold that #1 position, either.
   I wonder if it’s different when the mom has a daughter? I could almost see that there might even be competetive feelings between mom and daughter as the girl grows up.
3. Tracey says:

   January 14, 2009 at 10:08 am

   Hmm. Jim, it sounds to me like the problem comes when any one the paties involved – man, woman or child – sees the man and the child occupying the same role in the family. I have a daughter, not a son, but I can’t see myself expecting her or a potential mate to occupy the same place in my heart, life or priorities. It is not a competition. They would both be important to me in different ways.
4. Jim says:

   January 14, 2009 at 10:23 am

   No.

   In fact, single moms are one up in my book. Single moms know how to work hard, don’t shy away from challenges and usually have a low tolerance for BS and drama. They aren’t still living in the la la land of teen fantasies. They know how to give their all for the betterment of others. And at the end of the day, they are as equally tired as I am. So I don’t get grief when I collapse!

   Also, most single moms have highly developed radar for people’s characters, so I feel like they are quicker to pick up on who I am sooner and this helps the relationship move along a little easier.

   I never understood the “my kids-her kids” distinction either. Kids are kids, and they all basically need the same things to thrive.
5. Amy Sue Nathan says:

   January 14, 2009 at 10:27 am

   I corresponded with a man via JDate a few years ago who was right up front. He’d sleep with me, but he wouldn’t date me. He did not DATE single moms. He had 2 daughters and when he wasn’t with them, he did not want to be with anyone else’s children or have his date’s focus on anyone but him.

   I never met him, obviously.

   I dated a man for a while whose kids were much younger than mine, and we were really not at the same place in our lives. I adore kids, and the thought of having step-kids doesn’t scare me, but when I realized his daughter would start kindergarten when my son started college, it was one of the things that made me wonder if it was right. It’s not the reason we stopped dating, but I can relate to not wanting to do it all again. At this point, with two teenagers, I don’t need babysitters, nor do I need to introduce my kids to someone over ice-cream. I’m not looking for a father-figure for my children – and some men do want that.

   Again, it’s all a matching game.

   I think that Jason Melnick can want whatever and whomever he wants. It’s our business because it’s on tv, but if he wants someone who can focus on him and Ty and maybe making new babies? That’s his prerogative. It sucks, but it’s his choice.
6. drleah says:

   January 14, 2009 at 11:03 am

   So many thoughtful and from the heart comments. Thank you.

   Amy Sue: The “stages” question is tough. Been there and done that— Getting “very involved” with someone who was rightly concerned about worries/responsibilities I’d left behind years ago. Or, in some cases, never had.

   Checking your kids’ MySpace page? Never did it because, honestly, when my “babies” were teen-agers, there was no such thing.

   Not so anxious to learn that new parenting skill.
7. dadshouse says:

   January 14, 2009 at 11:48 am

   To answer the question posed in the title of this post: no.
8. jim H. says:

   January 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

   I guess I didn’t answer your actual question:

   “Do single dads deliberately avoid single moms in order to keep the focus on their own kids?”

   And the answer, for me, is “No, that’s not the reason I’d avoid a single mom”. My reason to avoid a single mom is in my other response above.
9. Solo-Dad says:

   January 14, 2009 at 4:29 pm

   I don’t watch any reality programming so I can’t comment on that.
   As a single dad, my first priority is my son. I don’t mix my dating life with my family life. Period.
   That said, at my age (51) a woman withOUT kids is suspect. I’m kidding, but for me, a woman with a child(ren) is a more interesting woman: She’s empathetic, supportive, nurturing…exactly what I look for in a woman.
10. M says:

    January 14, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I only date single moms. The childless women I’d dated had a terrible time understanding that sometimes plans had to changed because a child was sick or something else came up. They had not real concept of what it meant to have the parenting job. They also don’t quite have a real grasp of what it means to become part of an already existing family unit.

    Single moms understand all these things. For me, if the lady doesn’t have, or hasn’t had children, then I’m really not interested. The single mom I’m with has one young child, and I’m thrilled with them both.

    I don’t watch the show, but if he’s keeping his children at least 1/2 the year, then he could be in for a very rude awakening (for the children’s sake I hope not).
11. M says:

    January 14, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    no real concept (I can spell. Just can’t type *L*)
12. ~Monica says:

    January 24, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    I’ve been watching the show but my take on it was that he just didn’t feel a connection with those women and that it didn’t have anything to do with whether or not they were single moms.
13. Carrie says:

    February 2, 2009 at 11:55 am

    As a formerly widowed woman with no kids I think there are two sides to this story. When I met my current husband he was divorced a few years with a 13 year old son who lived w/his mother.

    His ex-wife left my now-husband for a younger man she met in a bar. It broke my husband’s heart. Even worse, his son was very bitter about being taken away from living with his dad by his mom who needed the child support to get by. He was allowed to see his dad every weekend and 1-2x a week at night.

    I showed up a few years after the divorce but the son made my life a living hell from day one. I tried very very hard to get along with him and tried to cut him so much slack because he was a child. We even did couples and family counseling to try and overcome the bitterness his son had and directed towards me.

    He blamed me for preventing his parents from reuniting even though his mom remarried shortly after the divorce.

    Respecting his relationship with his mother I tried to treat my husband’s son as a friend and not a replacement for his mom but he (and his mother who often badmouthed me to her son) did lots of things to try and break up the budding romance.

    As a result I refused to marry my husband for many years until his son was completely grown up and off at college.

    We get along OK now, after many years, but are not close due to how he behaved during those early years.

    After my experiences with my husband, his son and ex-wife I would never date another man with young kids, whether he had custody or not.

    It was very hard and I was in love with my husband so I really hung in there for him and for us. It was very painful and I thought long and hard about leaving at times.

    I don’t think its just men who don’t want to date single moms. I think women feel the same way, at least many I talked to during my struggles with my now-stepson.

    With regard to Jason, if he doesn’t feel a connection with a woman, regardless if she is a single mom or not, it would be disaster for him to try and keep her just because she is a single mom and he is a single dad.

    What if the kids don’t like either new partner or each other? All kinds of new drama to handle.

    My heart goes out to everyone in all types of challenging love and parenting relationship.

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