The ideal step-parent?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Parents
But we must admit that we did click on the Facebook photos of Hailey Glassman, Jon’s 22-year-old girlfriend, below:
And we watched as the blogosphere ignited to attack Hailey Glassman as a terrible role model and an unfit prospective step-mother.
Sure, it’s obvious: 22-year-old Hailey is not ready to be a role model for the eight Gosselin kids. And we’re not very interested in the conversation about a publicity-seeking separated dad dating a much younger woman.
But here’s what does intrigue us:
We’ve been talking about the idea that “stepparents” today are being vetted as role models. We know many of have remarried. Or, maybe you’re a step-parent yourself? Perhaps, your own kids have a step-parent in their lives?
Not long ago, you rarely heard the word “step-parent” without hearing the word “wicked” in front of it.
Or with the word “monster” in front it.
These just sound wrong to us. So, when we heard Oprah refer to a step-parent as a “bonus” parent, it just felt right.
We’re proud to go on the record ending this hurtful name-calling.
Yes, it’s “bonus parent” from now on @Singlemommyhood! Which leave us wondering:
Should bonus parents really be role models — or is this just media hype?
What qualities does the ideal bonus parent possess?
In other words, is there an essential “non-negotiable” trait that every successful bonus parent should share?
Personal stories welcome!
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Twitter @ http://runningleap.wordpress.com
I think one trait that is VERY important is knowing where boundaries lie with your step-children. I recently wrote about his on my blog because my boyfriend has a daughter. And his daughter has a mom who loves her very much. I wrote that because I know what it feels like to have another woman in a parental role for my own children, I am aware of how careful I’d want to be not to over-step boundaries.
No matter what, even I were to marry my b/f one day, I know that I will never be their daughter’s mother, and I would never expect to have as close a relationship.
Of course a step-parent should be loving toward their step-kids, and they *should* be a good role model, IMO… but they should also know where their influence needs to end, especially if the kids have two active and loving parents in the picture.
My post about this: http://runningleap.wordpress.com/2009/07/05/my-4th-of-july-weekend/
C’s last blog post..My Man Cub is a Monkey
Bonus parent, I like that. My son actually thinks of his step mother this way, as an extra parent that other kids don’t have. He’s pleased with having her in his ‘collection’ of people who love him.
Should step parents be role models? I’m lucky in that my son’s step mother is a very good role model. She supports his father in maintaining the rules, healthy eating and play habits, homework schedules, etc while he is in their home. I think that is the most important quality of a step parent, that they be a positive influence in a child’s parent’s life, to help them, and support them in the challenges of part time parenting.
debra’s last blog post..All of these things are just like the others
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
In some cases the step parent is anything but a “bonus”, like say in the case of a woman who called herself your best friend and then lied about you to your husband in order to sleep with him and break up you marriage. A woman who has done nothing but act selfishly and without regard to what’s best for the kids and then pretends to care about them.
Snow white may be a fairy tale but there really are wicked stepmothers in real life who are just as evil and malicious. Sad, but true.
No matter what issues you have with a more *normal* step-parent, remember it could be WAY worse so be thankful they at least try to do whats right.
MindyMom’s last blog post..What Lies Beyond Date #1
@MindyMom That’s a painful story. Ouch! Wicked, evil, malicious ….all of the above.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Step-parents or “bonus parents” in my experience are a really blessing. As both a child of remarried parents and a parent who is married with blended kids, I think I can appreciate this concept from many different angles.
My parents re-married well. I was blessed to have both a step-mom and step-dads that cared and loved me very much. Although I DIDN’T accept them in the beginning, as a grown adult with children, words cannot express how I love them very much now.
For starters, we need a new paradigm about the love a child can receive. Our society conditions us to think that only a healthy two-parent nuclear family can provide all the love, direction, and role modeling necessary to produce healthy, wealthy, and wise children. Children, mind you, that hopefully grow-up to be well adjusted and successful adults. The truth is, successful adults come from single parent, grandparent raised, blended, and co-parenting families and there is NO perfect parenting world—anywhere. The reality of love is it can come from multiple sources and be effective. Growing up with four parents was more difficult and challenging than most, but have more people in my lives that cared for me dearly provided me great security knowing I was loved.
The real underlining problem with step-parents has little to do with the kids, and everything to do with the biological parents. Can you put the past behind you and allow your kids to love another? Can you look past your personal hurts and realize this new adult may be a good thing for your children? Can you share parenting ideas with someone new? As a step-parent, can you enter a difficult and thankless role? Can you parent fairly without showing judgment? Can you accept your step-children as your own?
Finally, there needs to be rules and guidelines established from the beginning with the bonus parent. What roles of parenting will only be reserved for the biological parents? (I think discipline should be one of them.) What parenting decision will be discussed with your spouse vs. what will be discussed with the Ex? What lines of communications will be address by whom? (I think the biological parent should talk with the biological parent, if possible.) What is the hierarchy of priorities for decisions? (I think spouse, kids, ex—in that order. All major decision should be run by your spouse first.)
Bonus parenting can add a new dimension of parenting, but like in foster care, it can be lots of work with the appreciation coming years later. Let’s hear it for the steps! Here, here.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad’s last blog post..Get a School/PTA Volunteer Job. Tip #141
I really, truly deeply despise the term “bonus parent.”
I don’t mind “bonus kid” instead of stepchild. In that situation, the logic tracks–the kid is the “bonus” you get when you marry someone with children.
I do not, however, accept that the inverse is true–that the “parent” is the “bonus” you get when your parent remarries.
In order for it to be a bonus, you have to be gaining something in addition to the bonus. What, exactly, are the children gaining?
Even a situation where the stepparent is the greatest thing to ever happen to the family, the primary gain is STILL to the adults involved. Mom’s gain of a spouse does NOT translate into a “bonus dad” for the kids, imo.
There’s really absolutely nothing wrong with the designation “step.” It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think if there’s really nothing wrong with being a stepparent (and I don’t think there is) then there should be nothing wrong with identifying a stepparent as what they are.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
As much as this one woman I know and her husband love each other, their marriage has taught me to never get married again. Seriously. Even with the best of intentions, the step/bonus parent will never know or understand what it was like when you gave birth to these beings. In the scenario mentioned above, they were both previously married with kids of their own. They both love their step-children, but it is not the Brady Bunch. And when they disagree on how to parent, it drives a wedge between them in a dangerous way. This woman has been left to feel (more than once – and often) like she has to choose between her son and her husband. Her husband is NOT a bad person, I want to make that clear, and he does love his step-children very much, and vice versa. But he’s not their father. And never will be. And everyone knows it. Now everyone’s just holding their breath, waiting for the oldest to turn 18. I don’t ever want to feel like that.
April’s last blog post..Waiting for Monday…
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Lou: It’s really great to hear your feelings on this one, and I’m so curious if others out there agree.
I grew up with a step-father, so I can hear where you’re coming from. What we’re saying is that perhaps it’s time for us to look at step-parents as a “bonus” in kids’ lives — NOT just a bonus for the parent who’s remarrying.
You ask a great question: “What, exactly, are the children gaining?”
We’re curious to hear others’ thoughts on this.
Twitter @ martinimom
My son’s step-mother is NOT a bonus. She proudly proclaimed her dislike for children before she and my ex got married, and it shows. She would be much happier if my son wasn’t around; views him as an inconvenience at best and a total pain in her ass at the worst. When she and my ex bought a house, they specifically selected one with separate areas for my son and his “bonus” parent. His bedroom and bath are downstairs, and he steers clear of the upstairs because he knows she’d rather he not be there.
My own step-mother treated me like a servant and even called me Cinderella when my dad wasn’t around to hear it.
On the other hand, I had two wonderful pseudo step-parents (no marriages, but very long-term, live-in relationships) who truly were a bonus to my young life. Similarly, my son LOVES my boy friend (and vice versa);my son already calls him his “second best dad.”
So I think “bonus” parent is something a step-parent can earn, and something every blended family should be lucky enough to have, but not a title that is granted simply through a marriage.
That said, an ideal quality for a stepparent/bonus parent? Genuine interest in and love for the child(ren) involved. That’s certainly not the *only* quality, but without it is there really anywhere to go?
I don’t think so. (Though, clearly, my ex would disagree.)
Martini Mom’s last blog post..My kid’s in love with an older man
I have a few thoughts on the subject. My son lives with his mom and her new boyfriend and I definitley dont see him as a bonus, but I do see the importants of changing the retoric inregards to Bonus parents in general. Certain situations aside – including my own- If we approach step parents as a bonus and keep that perspective in mind it will provide us with the type of fondation needed to create the most productive coparenting relationship possible with our former significant others. This of course should be our goal. Any one who is involved in the lives of our kids, will have a dramatic effect, positive or negative on them. Therefore it is in our best intrests to be as positive about them as possible, and the language we use in reference to them is a gigantic first step.
As far as the J&K + 8 pic goes… I think on the list of parenting misteps they have taken this one is somewhere in the middle but makes for the best sound bites on TV and sells the most papers so its being turned into a much bigger deal then its warrented.
UnDeadBeat Dad’s last blog post..Mommies Wine – When kids say something, we need to think about it before getting too upset
My step-dad is a great guy but I’m ever so happy that my Mom chose to not have us ever live with him and married him after my sister and I were out of the house. He’s not a bad person at all, just not my dad, even if my dad isn’t around. I’ve seen the influence bad step-parents have on my step-brothers.
I believe step-parents are great assets but they aren’t meant to be the role model at all.
I’ve just read all of the previous posts and I am continually amazed at all of the different perspectives I hear and read about step parents. There truly is no 1 universal perspective, and that is one of the things that makes life interesting. It is also 1 of the things that makes my job so interesting.
It’s difficult to decide about what to speak first, so I will just start with using the term “bonus” parent vs. “step” parent. I agree with Lou in that there is nothing wrong with the term “step” parent. I would like to see society change its negative connotation associated with “step” to a more positive one. Yet, I don’t think we should change the wording. My vision is that society will gain a better understanding, and a wider acceptance, of step families, which would facilitate brightening the connotation.
As you can see by the varied comments, some step parents are still viewed as evil while many others are not. One major contributing factor in this viewpoint is whether the step parent is perceived by the kids to be a core reason for their parents’ break-up. Children often have feelings of guilt, anger, & resentment, among other things, regardless of the reason for their parents’ break-up. If they perceive the step parent as the cause of the break-up, they gain a target for their emotions. They will then project their emotions toward the step parent even if the step parent has done nothing wrong. In fact, in this scenario, the step parent could have the best of intentions and do everything the books tell them to do, but to no avail. What makes this situation sadder is that the step parent usually is NOT the reason for the break-up in the first place. The step just happened to come along and intermingle into the family in such a way as to give that impression. Sometimes, though, the step parent was the result of a marital affair. IMO, even infidelity is the symptom of a different marital problem (but that is a different blog post altogether). Again, that wouldn’t make the step parent the cause of separation.
On the other hand, if the step parent is not perceived as the cause of separation, families do not necessarily adjust easily into a healthy step family. They are just not perceived as “evil” in this scenario.
I agree with Fred Campos (FullCustodyDad) in that the biological parents play a vital role in how well the adjustment phase to the step parent goes. Indeed, the parents need to earnestly work at becoming aware of their own emotions and actively shed their emotional baggage. This must be done both subconsciously and consciously.
Additionally, most biological parents (both custodial and non-custodial) unknowingly contribute to how the kids view the step parent. Biological parents can be easily torn between blood (biological bond) and marriage. I.e. they are caught in the middle of wanting to make their children happy (blood) and their spouse. This is difficult at best in many households. April’s decision to never marry is common and 1 I’d like to see change. It is possible to become a healthy step family, but it takes time and effort. Sometimes, it also takes professional guidance.
Now to answer the question about a step parent being a role model. Yes, I think step parents can be role models. This is easier in some situations than others, though. It depends on the how soon after the divorce the step was introduced to the kids, as well as in what manner. It also depends on the kids’ relationship with the non-custodial parent and how the non-custodial parent views the new union. He/she can have a deleterious effect on the step parent becoming a role model, if desired. The best thing a step parent can do is try to treat the step kids with the same level of respect they would their own kids – or nephews, nieces, cousins if he/she has no kids. Be fair and consistent with discipline. Do nice things for them. Tell them when they do something good or something you like about them. Always look for bonding moments.
First, just try to be a reliable adult figure in their life and nothing more. In the beginning, the kids don’t want or expect anything more. If you follow the advice above, you will gradually turn into a role model, and then an appreciated role model. With a lot more time, you will become a the step parent that is like a 2nd parent. This is assuming, though, that everybody else in the family such as your spouse and the kids’ other biological parent are not subconsciously doing things to sabotage this. Of course, there are other reasons that step kids may not ever consider their step parent to be a role model, but there are too many to mention here.
I hope this wasn’t too long or detailed. Moreover, I hope it was informative and valuable.
I have a very unique perspective on this topic. First of all, I am the step-parent (for the record I don’t like ‘bonus’ but can’t put my finger on why). Not only that, I am the custodial step-parent. Try that on for size. Not very many of us step-moms that have primary custody of their step-kids. How does biological mom react to that? Not well. She does her fair share of sabotaging my attempts at bonding and parenting with her daughter. I don’t see any need for that. I do not try to take the place of her mom. She can love all of us and no matter where she is there is someone to miss. She has a mom that she visits certain weekends. I am however in charge of homework, school functions, swim lessons, birthday parties, fashion and everything else a 10 year old’s life includes. We have a relationship that is built on facts…here we are together and this is how we’ll make our family work. I think a critical attitude of a role-model step-parent(because every parent is a role-model whether they want to admit it or not) is that they put the needs of the step-kids first. She needs to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she can depend on me. If those needs are transportation or conversation or homework help or playing a game; they need to be met with your 100%. Period. Kids know the truth way more than they are willing to admit. Sure it’s fun to live with no boundaries, but it’s secure to live at home with us! I’ll take that anyday. I am thankful that I am allowed to help provide that for her! Is it easy? NO. Is it exhausting? YES. Is it rewarding? Sometimes yes, mostly no; but when my head hits the pillow each night, I know I did my very best for her every minute she was with me. I do the exact same for our biological son! Doesn’t every child deserve that?
I agree with Lou! “Bonus Parents” my ass!
I acquired step parents when i was 9, as each of my parents remarried that year.
I hardly considered either my stepmom or stepdad a parent, much less a bonus parent. Neither is or was a bad person or role model, but I just never grew close to either of them.
While I’m grateful to stepmom for making my father happy in life, I can’t really attribute any sort of parental role to her. Stepdad is deceased, but he was never a parent either.
My stepmom always publicly claimed me and my brother as her own kids – which pissed me off and I can’t imagine how much it must have pissed off my mom!!!! Stepmom still does that to this day – on her Facebook the other day I noticed she told a friend that her oldest (me) is 30! wtf!
I just have to give props to my mom here, because she never once spoke ill of my dad or stepmom when i was growing up. She let me discover for myself what a flake my stepmom is! heh.
I honestly don’t think i could handle it if my child ever had a stepmom!!!! I can’t see how I’d deal.
Alicia’s last blog post..Mind If I Sit Here????
I’m not a big supporter of politically-correct language but I do like the ring of ‘bonus’ parent for some reason. I have a good relationship with my son’s step-mother and used to feel uncomfortable introducing her as his step-mother due to all of the negative connotations associated with it. I finally settled on introducing her as his ‘other mother’ a few years ago and it works for us
Wowmomma’s last blog post..Guild Leadership Series: Introduction
Lou says “In order for it to be a bonus, you have to be gaining something in addition to the bonus. What, exactly, are the children gaining?”
I’m remarrying in September. And my children are gaining something. Since their father left us literally overnight, they have a huge, gaping, hole where a male presence used to be. Now, they have someone who helps with soccer, teaches the chess club at school, wipes their nose, wakes up with them at night when they are scared. Just saying – - if you look at the numbers, lots of parents bail out. Every situation is different but in many cases the children very much ARE gaining something. And I know many families who make it work with four co-parents, and the children love all of them. It’s freaking hard work! It’s not luck, or fortune. It’s saying “these kids come first, and I’m not getting embroiled in bullshit with these other people at the expense of my kid’s sanity”.
Also – - this from Fred:
“The real underlining problem with step-parents has little to do with the kids, and everything to do with the biological parents” … is the real salient issue. We as biological parents don’t want to hear this piece because it means the hard work is ours – still, and more of it. Look at all the bitterness and whining on this subject above! It’s amazing to me with attitudes like this from biological parents and the “problem” is almost always painted as the “step/bonus parent” the “kid” or the “ex”.
What’s YOUR responsibility then, if all those other people need to change??
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
I absolutely think stepparents should be role models. Anyone I allow into my children’s lives is a role model. Certainly there have to be boundaries, but if I don’t want this person influencing my children I won’t allow them into their lives. That doesn’t mean that every man I ever date will be stepparent material, but if he’s going to be around my kids he will be. For that matter, if I’m going to sleep with him he better be father material. BTDT and not going there again!
As for the wording, I don’t think it really matters what you call it as much as the feelings behind the words. I have a cousin who married a woman several years older than him. In fact, there’s the same age difference between him and his wife as between him and her oldest daughter. She has two children from her first marriage and they have two together. In their case, I can honestly say that he does not treat the stepkids any different from his bio kids. They DO NOT use the term step or half siblings. They are a family, plain and simple. All four kids call him by a nickname, not dad, but he is their parent, no questions asked. He has a decent relationship with the bio dad (as good as could be expected) and there are boundaries and mutual respect between them…he doesn’t try to replace their father in any way, but in his house, he makes rules and enforces them and he treats the step chidlren exactly like his own children. If I ever decide to remarry, that’s the kind of relationship I hope for. I can’t imagine introducing a step-parent into the family and then tying their hands and saying they can’t parent or discipline or whatever. Maybe that’s naive, but I guess we’ll see.
I can understand why a parent would feel hurt or threatened by a step-parent introducing the children as theirs. I would certainly not be happy if Ex’s girlfriend was calling my kids her own, but I also see the other side of it. Making a distinction between “my kids” and “his kids” keeps that wedge in the forefront of everyone’s mind. The stepmother who calls the stepkids her own is probably just trying to express her love for the children and help to unite the family. If it bothers anyone, then she shouldn’t do it, but if she doesn’t know that it bothers anyone, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that her intentions are good.
Wondermom’s last blog post..I’m really trying
OK, I think this is totally personal and depends on who that actual bonus/step parent is! I really don’t care what you want to call it but I’d like to think that IF I was to remarry, that person will love my child as if it was their own (it does happen you know!). Therefore my child is getting MORE love, not less. So I guess I’m leaning to ‘bonus’ then?
Nicola’s last blog post..Happy birthday to me !
Wowmomma: The “other mother” is very sweet. Thanks!
What a can of worms…long story short, kids are like sponges. Why risk placing them in an environment that less than optimal especially where a parenting role is the gig?
Regardless of Step- or Bonus-, people are people. And some people don’t make good parents regardless of the label we apply.
Solo-Dad’s last blog post..No More Mr. Fat Guy
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
If you are a single parent and the person you are with *isn’t* a role model for your kids, why are you marrying them? Shouldn’t you both want to be role models for your kids? In my case, I think Mr. V brings a lot to Pumpkinhead that his Daddy can’t and vice versa. Pumpkinhead’s Dad is very funny and childlike. Mr. V is more adult/responsible but really good at playing with Pumpkinhead while maintaining appropriate control. I think both male figures offer Pumpkinhead a lot and Mr. V is definitely a bonus!
PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Not Myself
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Such a good question, PT Law Mom!
“If you are a single parent and the person you are with *isn’t* a role model for your kids, why are you marrying him/her?”
Thank you!
I am not a step-parent, I am not a bonus-parent, I am the children’s “K” Whenever we are in a situations of “Oh, is that your mom or step mom?” we laugh and reply with “That is my “K”. I have been apart of this interesting family for 5 years now. I live with 2 awesome kids (8 year old boy and 10 year old girl) and their dad, the children are with us every week and every other weekend. We are both disciplinarians to the degree of homework, chores and assistance. They both know that if there is anything they need, I will support them. Sick, forget something or having a hard time at school.
I will not say I am a bonus to them, because as much as I know they know I am there for both of them, their mother is always the bonus for them. She has them every other weekend and does not discipline or punish. In our home, there are a lot of mixed roles. Role models are important but I will not over compensate for what their mother lacks. Mother lives at her mothers and is a recovering addict and she has tried very hard to get as far as she has. I am grateful but she still has parental issues and even after 10 years of being a mother, she has to deal with her postpartum depression. Being a parent to her is hard and we try to support her but she will always do her own thing, even if it isn’t for the best interests of the children.
I am not a bonus or a step, I am just whatever the kids needs me to be that day but I am capable of doing that. It is hard and confusing to me more than anyone but as long as the kids know, Dad + K + kids = consistency, I don’t care what role I play in their lives. There is love and respect. I never came into the picture to replace anyone and as far as I am concerned, they do have a mother whom they love till no ends, and regardless of her struggles, that is all that matters. A parent is a parent but it is family that really matter. I am family.
JustMe: So glad to welcome you to Singlemommyhood. Whatever the kids need me to be …Wow! Without question, these are very lucky kids. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective.