Why do single moms date married men?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Sex, Tips & Advice
“I’m amazed at how many of my single mom friends date married men.”
A perplexed single mom told us this recently.
“I’m far from being a prude,” she went on. “But I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to date a married man?”
To be honest, we’re also amazed by how many of our friends get involved with married guys, too. Why?
So, the researchers in us got curious. What is it about married men and single moms? In no way are we advocating being in a relationship with a married man. But we’ve reached out to single moms to get answers. They tell us:
Married men are “convenient.”
It’s is easy to fit these men in between work and parenting. Scheduling time to see each other is tricky. “Scheduling appointments” to see each other sometimes fits right in with the hectic life of a single mom.
The sex is usually fabulous. After all, these guys have plenty of experience. Since they can’t offer much companionship or loyalty, they go all out trying to please in the bedroom.
Mentoring is a bonus perk. Affairs with married men typically begin in the workplace or on business trips. Many single moms have told us that their married lovers are also wonderful mentors, who are interested and supportive of their ambitions and goals.
Married men are always on their best behavior when they are with you. They try to stay clear of career woes, and financial stress, and battles with their ex. They try to look good, smell good — and usually spare no expense to show you a good time.
Still is it is all romance and fantasy? Is it really an escape from a single mom’s responsibility-filled daily life?
Of course, there are never any judgments @ Singlemommyhood. We believe that only you should make the rules in your own life.
Still, we’re wondering:
How great are the convenience and “perks” when you date a married man?
Or, is dating a married guy the certain path to heart break and unforeseen complications?
Personal stories welcome!
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The sad thing about dating a married man is when (and he will, most of the time) choose his wife over you and will kick you to the curb. In my case, my husband had an emotional affair with an out-of-town colleague. Granted, we were having problems in the relationship but when I found out, he told her to stop calling/emailing. She didn’t get the message and eventually my husband and I had to be quite forceful in telling her where to get off. She was left embarrassed, alone and cast out. Was it her fault alone? No..he was actually more at fault. And yes, it took us a while to get our relationship back to where it was. But at the end of the day, she was the one who felt used and ashamed. He too went through fire (believe me!) but at least he had something to work at/for. She just had a “don’t call me anymore” to hold on to. Why would you do that to yourself??
GreenEyes: Emotional affairs can be so powerful. Thanks for sharing this deeply personal story with us. No doubt, a single woman will make a better “relationship” choice after considering such an affair from your perspective and experience.
I am so glad I found you wonderful site. I have been divorced now for going on a year now and it has been the best year of my life. Although I work several jobs to support my two kids, I am very grateful as I feel like I can support my kids without asking help from anyone.
My huge dilemma right now is that although I know it is so so wrong, I have started a relationship with a married man. I have been trying to figure out why I am doing this as I know in my heart it can be damaging to his wife whom I don’t even know. I only see him when my kids are with their Dad and I have no intention of every introducing them to him. I also know that I have no intention of asking this man to leave his wife as I feel like I am only in this relationship for the physically satisfaction and nothing more. He knows this and I know this. My kids and my work are my priority and I feel like this is just a perfect understanding as there are no strings attached. I have lived my whole life in believing in God and doing the right thing and now I feel like I should renounce my belief in God as I am being a hypocrite….With my group of girlfriends I am known as the one who always has everything under control and I always do the right things. I have even helped a few of my gals themselves go thru messy divorces with men who cheated on them and now I am doing this. I cannot even share this relationship with any of with my girlfriends in fear that they will judge me. I know I need to end this now but for the first time in my life I am not sure I want to yet. This is all so confusing especially when there is no one to talk to.
I’ve been reading these comments, can only relate the experience of my childhood, and hope to shed some insight of a different perspective.
My parents divorced when I was 2 — and my sister was 6 years old. Both parents were young and they married each other to “escape” emotionally abusive households. My father’s father was an alcoholic. He married the woman he got pregnant…
Their relationship was loveless, at best- violent and tumultuous, at worst. My mother’s parents also married due to pregnancy (this was in an age when it was socially and morally unacceptable for an unwed mother). As a result, my mother’s father habitually engaged in extramarital affairs, while her mother turned a blind eye, as long as she was materially compensated.
Thus my parents started out with warped views of marriage, commitment, trust, self-esteem & compromised values, as they had lived with so many “secrets”. When my parents’ marriage deteriorated, no surprise, it was due to a mutual lack of respect (both mutual & self), as well as not having any problem-solving skills, for everything was “swept under the rug.” Issues were not brought into focus or dealt with. My dad had an affair (which resulted in a marriage of nearly 40 years that has basically alienated my sister me) — and my mother, who has been involved with the same married man for 40 years!
Both situations have been destructive, as my sister andI had to first live with the stigma of a “broken home” (which was rare in those days) and the “secrets” involving my mother’s on-going affair. In her eyes, my mother believes she has not sacrificed her children (or HIS) in any way (as she says his wife has known all about it) — they say the kids have npt lacked for anything. What a delusion!
What a self-serving lie, they have been using to justify this. I know 2 of this man’s children have been frantically overcompensating in their own marriages the third has a total lack of responsibility. My own childhood was based on secrets, lies and attempts to cover-up andmake a pretty picture out of an otherwise neglectful, shaming experience. I could never trust, feel confident with relationships of ANY kind, form lasting ties, commit to goals or tell the truth about anything. I sought out physically and/or emotionally abusive or neglectful relationship partners & repeated much of my parents’ narcissistic behavior.
I carried this into my own marriage, which was disastrous, for both my husband and me. It took thirteen years (after the dissolution of my marriage) of painfully hard work, to recover my self-esteem, appropriate values, follow through on commitments & honesty (with about myself and others).
This was my choice, after a failed suicide attempt. I decided to turn my life around 180 degrees and take responsibility for my own actions, and help others, through my own experience. It is still work, as I have to always keep my focus in tact and not succumb to old, familiar patterns of destructive behavior. My sister has not been successful, at all, in this regard. After 2 failed marriages (no children, thank God), twenty years of being an alcoholic, and no ability to have or take responsibility for anything in her life, she is constantly in crisis (as is the youngest son of my mother’s “boyfriend”). She is bitter, resentful, extremely manipulative (especially to my mother, concurrently “guilting”; degrading or passive, or approving; to serve her needs). They are terribly co-dependent, and they believe each other’s success/failures, joy/sorrow results from and is contingent upon the other.
The only saving grace I had, was to run as fast and far away from them, at a young age. Yet even that didn’t help me escape some of the bi-products of a dysfunctional situation. Though I never used drugs or alcohol, I found myself in the role of “caretaker” of men with “problems”. It was a hard fought battle to overcome this desire to please, nurture, and finally take care of myself. I guess my point is, that if you feel, as parents, that your lives, decisions, and values regarding affairs with married partners or as married partners do not have any impact on or consequences for your children, you are fooling yourself. It is a “trickle down” effect… One with lasting and long-reaching aftermaths. Please carefully evaluate your behavior honestly & think beyond the moment.
I wanted to add as a postscript, that I’m not using my parents’ or anything else as an excuse, for my own shortcomings/failures. Nor am I blaming anyone for my own choices. What I do know is that my parents did teach me by example, regardless of how “hidden” or contrived their actions were believed to be. To assume we didn’t understand (because we were too young) or that they were not cheating US in any way, is a blatant disregard of how significantly a parent is perceived by the children. Distortion of the facts or diminishing the impact on the children, only gives way to complications for those children, later in life. I am thankful that I was able to reunite with my husband, despite my prior “bad acts”, but again, it took much hard work to change my learned behavior. It is something I would not wish any child to be exposed to, and luckily did not have children of my own (as I’m sure, they would have reaped the effects of the negative baggage I carried). Again, be honest with yourself, & what your kids will learn from your actions.
I would think the obvious draw would be that it would seem actually safer to date a married man, emotionally. You don’t have to stick your neck out there and fall in love, and you can have a sexual, affectionate relationship that you can schedule, without expecting it to lead to anything more permanent. Also, I could understand the single mom wanting to have something for herself, wanting to be a little selfish after the tribulations of a divorce. I can certainly understand it, without condoning it nor judging it.
Twitter @ _katarena_
I absolutely can not understand why a single mom would want to have an affair with a married man. If you want a tryst, go for it. There are tons of emotionally unavailable guys out there. Trust me, I’ve met (and dated some of) them. If you are looking for a no-strings-attached, fits my schedule fling I guarantee you that’s all you need to say. You’ll have a slew of men at your doorstep in no time.
Most of the single moms that I know have been through hell and back. Many of us were cheated on and I simply can’t imagine being the source of that hurt for anyone else. I apologize if you think I’m being judgmental (I admit I am far from perfect) but the subject of cheating just hits too close to home for me.
Kate´s last blog ..On Keeping My Head Above Water
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com/
No, just no. I think some things should hold a stigma and one of those is cheating. As a single mom that’s really not a message we need to be sending. I’m all for having my own life but I would be ashamed of myself if I ever taught my daughter that cheating was acceptable.
I know what its like to see men/women come and go as a child. There was never cheating involved (that I know of) but there was plenty of cheap and easy sex. I can’t understand a person who would willingly inflict that upon their child- it will affect every relationship they have in the future. Children are perceptive. You’d be surprised at what they might pick up on, even if you’re not flaunting it or introducing him.
I would urge women in this situation to stop and really search themselves to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing- and I don’t mean give reasons like the ones above. Just ask why him, why now, what has lead me to make this choice? Try to figure out the driving urge behind it.
That was the only way I was ever able to break my string of bad taste in men. I’m proud to say that its one thing I -won’t- be passing on to my daughter.
GM´s last blog ..WIP Wednesday
GM: We’re very appreciative that you took the time to share your thoughts about dating married men. “Knowing” from a child’s perspective is a powerful and painful experience. Thank you again for sharing so candidly with us.
@ Puzzled Mama
Let me start off by saying that I in no way look down on you, I feel sorry for you. And that is a sincere statement meant only to prelude my comment.
Why on earth would you denounce your faith in God over a man who cheats on his wife? Why would you give up a perfect love for an imperfect one? No matter what excuse he’s giving for cheating, how could it ever be good enough for you?
How do you know that the woman he’s married to isn’t giving it her all while he slinks away to bed with you? You don’t. How do you know that this man doesn’t plan on leaving his family for you (even though he says he’s not)? You don’t. These are some VERY important questions to think about before you continue this RELATIONSHIP. Not “appointments”. When you have sex with someone (especially on a regular time-contingent basis), you are becoming emotionally involved with that person whether you’re up to admitting that or not.
I am a very young, married mother who has struggled for the past 4 years because of infidelity. To hear and read so many women say that they can “see” why a single mother would WANT an affair with a married man makes me sick! How would you women feel if you one day discovered your husband was cheating! This all goes back to the principle we were all taught in kindergarten: “Treat others as you wish to be treated”. I honestly don’t see how anyone could ever consider this! What’s the point of marriage if everyone has a “free pass”!? To willfully accept sex (or in some cases go CHASING after it) from a married man is one of the most selfish things you could ever do.
LU: Please know that we’re deeply sorry for the challenges you face in your marriage. We applaud you for chiming in so bravely. Please know that we wish you well.
Twitter @ thelovepr
I have personally been in a relationship with a married man and I’ve gone through the same phases like most of you writing here do now. And because he left his wife and child for me and not by coincidence, but because I worked towards this goal, I want to share my story with you, all the women dating a married guy – you can read it on my blog.
Good luck
The love PR: Voices of experience are always welcome here. Thanks for joining the conversation.
All I can say is if you’re thinking about getting involved with a married man, don’t do it!!!! I have been involved with a married man for over a year and I’ve fallen in love with him. He tells me he loves me also but I don’t believe anything he tells me because if he loved me then he’d be with me. I do not pressure him to leave his wife. He talks to me about his marriage issues and I listen. I never thought my feelings would get involved. Supposedly he fell in love with me first. The first time he said it I was shocked. About a month later I was saying it back. This man does everything for me and my children. He has a wonderful sense of humor and I never stay mad at him. There’s been so many times when I want to leave him but I always get pulled back in. I don’t know his wife but he makes her out to be a monster but for all I know she could be the sweetest woman in the world. Now, I’m always lonely and disappointed. I want more time with him but it’s impossible. I think she knows he is cheating because lately she goes everywhere he goes which makes it hard for him to see me. He can’t even run to the store without her. He always makes promises to come over but most of the time he doesn’t show, especially on the weekends. I basically see him through the week when she’s working. He also works so it’s really hard to get any time with him. So I say, save yourself the heartache. Don’t think feelings will not get involved because after being intimate with a person for so long, it happens. You will always be lonely and disappointed. I don’t dare date other men because I love him so much. I always turn down any advances from other guys. Crazy, huh. I’m wasting my beautiful years with a relationship that’s headed nowhere and in the end I’ll be the one with the broken heart. And on top of that everyday I have to deal with the guilt of what I’m doing. I won’t even show my face in church anymore because I feel like a complete hypocrite. I know what I’m doing is wrong but my heart won’t let me stop seeing this man!! Uuuuugh!!
To GreenEyes: How do you live with the fact that your husband betrayed you, lied, and cheated on you with a woman from work…then you had to do the dirty work and tell her to leave? I couldn’t even put up with one instance of the beginning of an affair and I kicked him OUT. “He had something to work for/at” was very disturbing to read. It sounds like you took the position of “superior” over the woman at work – like he ‘chose’ you and not her. The reality is, he cheated and he will probably be more careful next time…and he knows you’ll take him back so what is there to work at. I would refrain from bashing the woman and claiming victory because you were the one who was betrayed. That woman knew he was married. You were in the dark.
I’m sorry this happened to you and I think the better advice is that *nobody* should ever date a married man (or woman)…single mother or not. It’s just truly lacks character and it’s a selfish decision to hurt yourself and someone else right from the start.
Hi, Puzzled Mama I really enjoyed reading your story, I would like to know how things have been going on lately as this was posted a while ago
you see Im going through a very similar issue and would like to have someone to talk to about it. if your there still go ahead and comment back thanks!
My mom and dad were married for several years and divorced when I was about 4 years old. My mom married my dad to escape her overbearing parents. After my parents divorced, my mom reconnected with an old friend from college. She has
been dating this man for over 25 years. I did not warm up to this man until a few years ago for two reasons. One: my mom actively kept he and I pretty separate because she did not want me getting close to him. Two: my own father turned his back on me when he and my mom divorced. I grew up with him or any other real father figure in my life, and I am still paying the price for that.
I only found out that my mom’s boyfriend was married because I finally started asking questions about their relationship last year. I asked my mom, “Hey mom, why don’t you and (married man) ever hang out at his place? I don’t want to cram your style by being home when he comes over.” My mom said, “Don’t worry about that. You’re not cramming my style.”
I got to thinking… If I only got to see my boyfriend once a week, I would want to be alone with him, even if we are just hanging out watching TV, you know? After thinking about this for a few weeks, I did some online research and discovered that this man is married.
So, I first asked him about it. He admitted that he is married and that he and his wife are separated. They have chosen to stay married because they did not want to subject their sons to divorce. That, and they have been busy accumulating a fortune between his work as an attorney and engineer and her work as a registered nurse. They own several properties, including a mansion in an exclusive community. They sent both of their sons to the best schools, including Harvard. This man, who says he loves my mom and I, has been taking care of his family, while letting the woman he “really loves” struggle on her own for more than 25 years now.
I next talked to my mom about what I had learned. She admitted that she never planned on telling me. She said that she has not been completely OK with this over the years. (I say that she had been OK enough with it to tolerate this for as long as she has.)
For some background history on my mom: she was essentially “selected” out of several kids that my grandparents bore to be my grandparents caretaker throughout their lives. It started when my mom was in elementary school. When my grandparents needed a babysitter while they went to work, they made my mom stay home from school to take care of her siblings. In the third grade alone, my mom accumulated about 40 days of absences. She lost those school days because my grandparents needed her to babysit. This kind of crap continued in my family until my mom escaped by marrying my dad.
Now, in their old age, my mom holds down a full time job. She also moved into my grandparents’ home to be their caretaker almost two years ago. Only recently was my grandmother, who has advanced Alzheimer’s, admitted into a nursing home. My mom has continued to be the caretaker to my grandparents in our family. It’s a role that I know she loves (because she has been programmed to do it for so long) and hates/resents.
So, dating a married man has fit into her life perfectly. She gets the companionship when she needs it and is available for it. Her married boyfriend gets to have his cake and eat it, too.
It makes me sick that my mom has tolerated this substandard relationship for as long as she has. I have conveyed this to both my mom and her boyfriend. I refuse to have any contact with him. My relationship with my mom, which was a bit rocky to begin with, has gone to shit.
The way I see it is that my mom deserves better. And, though I know she thought that she did all that she could to keep this secret from me and any of its effects, this revelation has deeply affected me. I feel cheated by mom because she had chances to be with other men that would be there for her and for me as a father figure. Instead, she chose to be with a man based on the continued expectation that she would be at my grandparents’ beck and call until they die.
So, to those women, especially single mothers who think that dating a married man would be ideal, convenient, and whatever other bogus reason you come up with, you are so wrong.
Married men need to make a choice: stay with your wife because “it’s cheaper to keep her” or whatever other reason you come up with. Or man up, get a divorce and pay the alimony and child support. But don’t think that you can have both a wife and a mistress. If you think that you’re entitled to have it all, I hope that this arrangement you have blows up in your face.
I had a relationship with a married man while my divorce was being finalized. It was an emotional affair for the both of us. We were married to people we no longer loved and mistreated us both. So we leaned on each other. Initially i wanted nothing physical to do with him, but he pursued and pursued hard. I gave in. We both fell in love with the idea of us but it was just an escape from the drama in our own destroyed marriages. He made promises and so did I. Unfortunately he didn’t keep his while I kept mine. To me he was my safe place to land. Everything I was looking for in that person I wanted forever with. Unbeknownst to me, I was being used. We both finalized our divorces and continued to see each other. From beginning to end it was over 3 yrs of off and on dating, engagement back to dating only to have him leave me in the end. But the realization was that I was his “in between” girl. Boost his confidence, ego and self esteem to make him all better for the next girl. But funny thing is that when he decided to break up that last and final time. I didn’t hurt at all. (Btw we’re both in the military now). I understand he’s remarried to a local prostitute he met and “fell in love” with while stationed in the pacific region, he’s unhappy and has been disowned by family and distanced from friends in the way we ended. But enough back story. You fall for that illusion of safety when it’s a married guy. You think they have it all together. They’re more attentive, passionate and caring. But I’ve re-evaluated my relationships with men in the last 8 months since our break up, if he’s married, in any way shape or form, I run. I run far away as fast as I can.
Twitter @ http://singlemomscircus.wordpress.com/
I’ll be honest. I don’t get it. There are single men out there who are looking for a no strings attached arrangement and could provide the same benefits to a single mom as they are giving as excuses to date a married man.
No matter the feelings involved, there is morality to this situation that transcends religion. These men belong to someone else. This is another woman’s husband. Many of us here have been wives. Many of us have been wives who were cheated on. Engaging in any behavior that is hurtful to another person is wrong. As relayed in other posts, these relationships are hurtful to children on both sides of it as well as the wives.
We are supposed to be role models for our children. Our children already are missing out in many ways by being raised in a single parent house hold where they are not learning about healthy adult relationships. Think about what messages this sends our children. Some have said that they would never involve the children or tell their children but children are perceptive and these things always seem to come to light.
I know the attention feels good. There are other ways to get this attention and your needs met without hurting others and yourself. I have had “friends” who were single but only looking for occasional companionship and physical gratification.
I’m sorry Dr. Leah. I know I have gotten on my moral high horse and my post is laced with judgement, but this is something I feel very strongly about. I’m far from perfect. I do however feel that as women we need to stick together. We have a responsibility to our married cohorts to NOT engage in these relationships.
Since becoming a single mom 3 years ago after 10 years of marriage, I’ve been on a journey of self discovery. I’ve worked hard to strengthen my moral compass as I’ve been faced with the most difficult situations of my life and tried to ensure to not repeat mistakes of my past. I want the relationships that I engage in to healthy. I hope to eventually provide a role model of a healthy relationship and/or marriage for my children. I want to do everything in my power to raise my boys to happy, healthy, successful adults in every area of life. The fact they’re being raised by a single mom already is one mark against them and then their father is less than stellar. I want them to get married, have healthy relationships and children. I can only accomplish this by being the best me I can be. We, as single moms have to work harder than others to help our children to also become the best they can be.