Why do single moms date married men?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Sex, Tips & Advice
“I’m amazed at how many of my single mom friends date married men.”
A perplexed single mom told us this recently.
“I’m far from being a prude,” she went on. “But I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to date a married man?”
To be honest, we’re also amazed by how many of our friends get involved with married guys, too. Why?
So, the researchers in us got curious. What is it about married men and single moms? In no way are we advocating being in a relationship with a married man. But we’ve reached out to single moms to get answers. They tell us:
Married men are “convenient.”
It’s is easy to fit these men in between work and parenting. Scheduling time to see each other is tricky. “Scheduling appointments” to see each other sometimes fits right in with the hectic life of a single mom.
The sex is usually fabulous. After all, these guys have plenty of experience. Since they can’t offer much companionship or loyalty, they go all out trying to please in the bedroom.
Mentoring is a bonus perk. Affairs with married men typically begin in the workplace or on business trips. Many single moms have told us that their married lovers are also wonderful mentors, who are interested and supportive of their ambitions and goals.
Married men are always on their best behavior when they are with you. They try to stay clear of career woes, and financial stress, and battles with their ex. They try to look good, smell good — and usually spare no expense to show you a good time.
Still is it is all romance and fantasy? Is it really an escape from a single mom’s responsibility-filled daily life?
Of course, there are never any judgments @ Singlemommyhood. We believe that only you should make the rules in your own life.
Still, we’re wondering:
How great are the convenience and “perks” when you date a married man?
Or, is dating a married guy the certain path to heart break and unforeseen complications?
Personal stories welcome!
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It may be more “convenient” in general for Single Mom’s but I think it’s important to remember that this married man, although already destroying is family, is married, may possibly have children, and we shouldn’t contribute to that sort of destruction at all. It’s about keeping your self respect.
I don’t mean to sound mean, this is my opinion on why women date married men, but I think it’s not about the conveniences but more so about lack of self esteem. A belief for some reason that they can’t find a single man or aren’t worthy of something better. I think if you were to dig deep, beyond the convenience reasons, you’d find that those are the reasons women do it.
So women need to remember that you deserve better, someone who is willing to make a long term commitment, or at least isn’t such a jerk to cheat on his own wife.
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Whoa! Pamala. I totally disagree with your opinion. You are assuming that having an affair is going to destroy a marriage or that the wife isn’t aware of what is going on.
I am very liberal. I know that my beliefs are hard for some people to understand, but human beings are not historically monogamous (one partner for the rest of their entire life). History is full of “mistresses” who have made an impact on our lives. Our society seems to condone serial monogamy but completely looks down on polyamory or open relationships. It wasn’t until post WWII that it became “unfashionable” to have a mistress.
Sex is not love and love is not sex…ask the wife of a man who can no longer have sex who still stays with him for decades (or vice versa). It is possible to separate the two. After so many years, a couple settles into complacency and eventually start looking for ways other than sex to stay close. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. I think that is a major part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate since WWII.
I do date married men. However, the wives of the men are fully aware of who I am and what we are doing. They CONDONE it. They realize that the chemistry of sexual attraction is different from the comfortable relationship they have as a husband and wife. They have children together and a life together. I don’t want to intrude on that and I wouldn’t.
He and I can get together without the baggage of kids, bills, etc. I don’t have to worry that he is going to want to get serious, move in, or ask me to do his laundry. I can send him home at the end of the day.
Plus, from what they tell me, it makes their sex life better, not worse. I have no intention of trying to steal him away from her. On the contrary, the occasional times we talk about issues they are having, I try to help him see things from her point of view…which seems to help. I have a vested interest in their relationship being successful. I’ve gotten involved a couple of times with a married man to find out that he was looking for someone else to move on to and I made sure I was not it. If I think there are major issues in a marriage, then I’m not going there.
However, on both of those occasions, the talk of leaving his wife started early. I wasn’t the reason he was leaving. I was just an excuse that he was hoping would make it easier. I wouldn’t allow that.
I also don’t believe that you only have to be in love with one person at at time. That is so limiting. You can be in love, and in a committed relationship, with more than one person as long as everyone knows the rules and is fine with it. If you want more information, just a search on polyamory.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
You say tomato…so if a married guy is cheating on his wife, you are ok with it as long as she knows?
How does that conversation go after he buys you that drink at the local gin joint?
And I feel it is amusing that you only date married guys who don;t have “Issues” in their marriage. If they are to the point of cheating and taking a mistress–there are already plenty of issues.
Sure there are lifestylers and scenarios where a partner can no longer have sex; but I have to think they are in the minority.
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Like I said, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I don’t seem to have a problem finding like-minded folks.
Most of the married couples I’ve been “involved” with have long marriages (15-20+ years) so they must know something the rest of us don’t.
The key is honesty. It isn’t cheating if everyone knows what is going on.
The concept that these decisions are made thoughtfully and logically is a fallacy. You do something and then you rationalize why it is the right thing to do. Humans use logic extremely infrequently.
I wouldn’t do it. Not going to judge anyone, but I’m looking to simplify my life, not make it more complicated.
Well, taken from the perspective of a child of divorce I definitely think cheating is wrong. My dad cheated on my mom and I literally saw her break down with my own two eyes. Being from a broken home is awful and has had a major negative effect in my life.
Sorry, can’t condone this one little bit. If you don’t want to think about the wife, then at least think twice about the poor, INNOCENT children that are involved.
If people want to have lots of sex with lots of different people then that is okay – JUST DON’T GET MARRIED!!!
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I’ve cheated, I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve been the other woman. The cheating on and being the other woman were two things I never would’ve thought myself capable of, and they were both terrible experiences for me. So I have to say I’m a little surprised. It never occurred to me that women would *choose* to be with a married man. I know plenty of women like myself who’ve “slipped” and became involved with a married man, but none who sought it out.
On the other hand, I know plenty of married couples who have open relationships to one degree or another, and they’re happy. (And these couples have all been together for 10 – 20 years, so they’re doing something right.) More power to them, in my opinion. It wouldn’t work for me, but who am I to decide what’s going to work for anyone else? And I’m totally with chai_girl on this one: “It isn’t cheating if everyone knows what is going on.”
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I also want to add that the idea of any woman being 100% aware that her husband is cheating and 100% okay with it is exceedingly RARE.
I don’t think you are being honest if you say nothing is wrong with sleeping with a married man. I do believe all humans are capeable of being sexually attracted to more than one person, however I believe in self control and the sacred bond of marriage. I believe one of the reasons we have so many sexually transmitted diseases going around is because of situations like these. If your kids see you with multiple partners then why can’t they. Also someone said mistresses were fashionable at one time, well so was slavery it doesn’t mean it’s right.
A lot of times single mom’s end up dating married men, cuz trust me… married men are the only ones to hit on them. Single men run like the wind once they find out you have kids… don’t wanna be “daddy”, don’t want responsibility for someone else’s kid, feel uncomfortable when the kid gets attached. Or, you let them “in” and the minute the kids get used to him, he’s out… hurting you of course, but also hurting the kids.
So if she’s lonely, and this guy hits on her and happens to be married, she’ll go for it cuz he understands her obligations, her love for her children. He knows to be discreet, because HE knows he doesn’t want the kids attached to him. So it ends up working to everyone’s advantage.
I personally made a vow not to date married men–anymore. Cuz I’ve been cheated on, I’ve cheated and it just sucks all round. Plus, I don’t need the drama. I want my own relationship. But that pretty much ends up meaning I’m single… cuz single men don’t stick around. Especially if you have kids passed 4 or 5 years old and begin to need some work.
I’m amazed at how many married men hit on me… it pisses me off actually. Cuz they’re only looking for respite and comfort, and not the long haul.
But that’s just me…
Twitter @ MsV1959
I’ll take “unforseen complications” for $100. Anyone who doesn’t get this, hasn’t walked that path.
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I think it depends on the woman and her situation. I can see how a single mom could get involved with a married man that she works with. She spends alot of time with him… some how she admires his and how different he is from her ex. And she could possibly have limited interaction with men. And we all know that most sex happens out of a level of comfort and closeness.
But if the married man isn’t get his needs met at home.. he’ll find it else where.
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I don’t think it is “unforseen complications”. Everyone knows what the possible outcomes are…whether is with or without consent of the spouse. I can tell you that I’ve been with many men who are either married or in a committed relationship with the full knowledge of their significant others. When one relationship ended, I had to endure a phone call from the wife asking me to take him back and wanting to know why I broke up with (talk about an awkward situation!). Another time, after a one-night stand with a married man…his wife came up and thanked me. She had a 3-month old and just wasn’t in the mood for sex but understood he just wanted sex…he wasn’t looking for love.
Any time I’ve dated a single guy, there comes a point where he just doesn’t get it and wants more attention than I can give him. He doesn’t get that sometimes I’m so tired by the time I get home and deal with my daughter, homework, chores, etc. that I’m just ready to crawl into bed. I don’t need his laundry adding to my chore list.
I still date single men, but I don’t not date married men. Again, there are rules. I just had a conversation with an old friend via IM the other day (for whoever was interested). I knew he was married from his FaceBook status:
Him: We should get together for coffee sometime soon!
Me: That sounds great!
Him: Btw, just set expectations, my wife and I have an open relationship.
Me: Well, I’m not promising anything but if it looks like we are going in that direction, I’ll need confirmation directly from her.
Him: Not a problem.
If the time comes, I’ll just say “hey, so and so says y’all have an open relationship. Is it cool with you?” and she will either be shocked or say no problem.
Like I said, it isn’t for everyone. Saying VD is because of this is being naive because VD has been around since before Ancient Greece. I’m a history geek. This is the most puritanical period of European history ever. It is awareness that has changed.
I’m sorry that so many of you have been cheated on. However, that indicates to me that there was a lack of honesty and communication even before the cheating. If you are monogamous, that is fine. I’m not putting you down for that or going to criticize your choice. However, it sounds like you thought you were monogamous and your exes weren’t so monogamous. That is a major clash in value systems.
I don’t want to start a flame war or anything…but I hope I’ve at least put the thought out there that it isn’t all “cheating” or “negative”. There are alternatives to serial monogamy that result in multiple breakups instead of a constant relationship with a few branches off of it.
Twitter @ singledadlife
Sure seems like a lot of convincing going on here. If you can put your head on the pillow at night and your conscience is clear, well that is what make the world go round. I think I have just come to realize how traditional and conservative I am.
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Ok, so not fair. So the married dude is not only taking his wife but some hot single mom out of the dating pool. Grrrr…
We have had this discussion numerous times within my ministry. There is no standard reason why single mom’s or single dad’s date married men/women. Most of the time it just happens or the person is in a vulnerable state and seeks comfort with the wrong person. Some people are happy with the choice to date a married partner and others are fine with their decision. The one thing that we who do not practice the married partner method have to remember is to not bash the person but gently remind them of the vows the married couple has taken.
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Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Barry: we applaud you for being traditional. We get it. We are not advocating that women should be with married men (no way!)… but we do see it happening around us, and wanted to bring this issue to the table.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Chai_Girl: Thank you for your honesty. We appreciate you coming out and telling us about your experiences.
I would not date a married man (even one in an open relationship) just because I know myself well enough to know that I couldn’t handle it. I do think there’s a big difference between people who practice polyamory/open relationships/whatever and people who cheat. I have never been able to understand why someone would get involved with someone who is cheating. Sure, sometimes things just get out of hand…I once dated a guy who forgot to mention that he was married, but as soon as I found out, I called the whole thing off. I guess for me, it’s the whole golden rule thing. If I expect my partner to be faithful to me, then I’m going to be faithful to him, and I’m not going be “the other woman” to someone else’s husband. I don’t blame the woman who slept with my husband…she didn’t owe me anything, he did. He made the choice to cheat on me…she was just the tool he used to do it. Still, I don’t want to be with the kind of man who would make that choice.
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Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I didn’t read every comment, but IMHO, this single mom is not interested in a relationship. And no, it’s not because I don’t deserve one. Well, actually, yes, it is, because I have no desire to have to nurture another human being, thanks. I deserve better. I deserve good sex, and I deserve to go to sleep by myself. I deserve to raise my children the way I want to raise them, without the interference of someone who could never love them the way I do.
I think we don’t make it easy for women to stand up and say, I WANT to be single. So women end up having affairs with married men for the safety of the lack of commitment.
I do not sleep with married men, but like chai girl, I don’t believe that monogamy is a requirement for a marriage. Enjoy, honey!
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I 100% agree with BearMaiden…I am recently divorced….and the straw that broke the camel’s back in my marriage was attention I started getting from an ex (from highschool) now married. He and I started an extremely intense sexual relationship, however, I am now emotionally attached, actually in love, with him.He will not allow himself to expand on his feelings for me because he does not want to break up his marriage and has 2 young children, as do I. So, the outcome of this story is my heartache…is it really worth it?? Is there not a single Dad out there for me?! I can only hope!!
Here is an interesting take, but I am the child of the single mom dating the married man. I have known since I was six. I also probably know more about his life and family then his kids do. I know his wife knows, she just chose to stay, and my mom and him are very off and on. I understand that he treats her well and gives her the vacations she needs and helps her worry less, but it is still hell and the worst situation imaginable for everyone involved. I get in trouble for lying to my mom, but every day she asks me to lie for her. I wish it would just end already, but it never will, and I know that. It may stop for 3 months or a year, but it will never end. They always go back to each other, and I will never understand that. Why would any one choose to be in that situation?
Everything that I’ve read about women who allow themselves to be used by married men are basically the same…each claiming that they aren’t really looking for a real love interest because they are too busy with this or that.
Oh and especially the ones that use their love for their children as a reason for commenting adultery. Yes that’s exactly what you’re doing, also lets not leave out fornicating, so there you’re commenting 2 sins, not to mention the lying and sneaking around, your whole existence is counterfeit.
Why not just admit that there is something very wrong going on in your life and that you really need help?
My question is if a person can’t be monogamous and he or she feeling the desire to cheat then why get married in the first place?
**Sorry misspelled the word committing.
These types of subjects really get under my skin. And no I’m not a jilted housewife, neither am I a bible bumper, preaching morally. I am however a respectful responsible single mother who has struggled long and hard to raise my child on my own.
I try to teach my kids about such things as honesty and being responsible, I would love to see/hear what you women are teaching your kids, when you can’t be truthful to yourselves.
Lady J: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. We appreciate your thoughtful comments on this often painful and difficult subject. Please visit us again soon.
All of the above is silly. The reason is simple; married men are SUPERIOR to single men. They have shown they are capable of raising a family, providing for kids and a wife, fulfilling responsibilities from maintaining the nest to lovemaking and keeping a job that earns a lot of money. It’s simply animal instinct for a few alpha males to have harems of females, and produce all the children for the next generation. Sadly, humans are part of this evolution and it can’t be helped. Women should be proud that they made it into an alpha male’s brood, and it’s the single MALES that are the troubled ones.
Hi one and all, new to the site, it looks great.
I am a single mom being ardently pursued by a very successful, hot married man and am having all kinds of mixed feelings. I haven’t been with someone (emotionally or sexually) in a long time and he and I have been sharing thoughts and fantasies online (met on a dating site) for a while. He quite frankly is %100 more intelligent, attractive and romantic than any of the dozens of other single men I correspond with. Here is the dilemma, no one else comes close to his appeal and he says that he starting to fall in love with me and I with him. He claims he doesn’t believe in hurting his children with divorce (I feel that way too, but my ex-husband was mentally ill and abusive). I am so attracted but terrified of getting hurt or hurting anyone else.
Anyone been there? What happened please?
I must say that since I am going through the divorce stage I am finding married men hitting on me.
Sadly the first was a long time co-worker that I had felt sparks with, but prior to my husband bailing was just innocent flirting to me. You feel secure when you know both parties are committed.
However, when I was hit with a low blow and lost all self-respect and self-esteem he came a knocking and I answered.
I always said I would never do such a thing especially since I have been the cheated twice now apparently.
At first it seemed to give me some comfort and validation and a sense of revenge on my disappearing act of a husband.
However, over a short period of time I started to realize that it wasn’t helping it was actually hurting my already damaged state of mind. I was actually engaging in this activity as a way to punish myself because I must deserve to be walked out on.
Basically, once I came to my realization whether accurate or not I now say no. Even though he doesn’t seem to understand no.
That is just my recent experience and I thought I would share.
Paula: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. Thank you for adding your personal perspective to our conversation. This kind of relationship can be quite damaging to our sense of self. Congrats to you for recognizing the danger to you and moving forward. Please visit us again soon.
I just wanted to give my input… I have three children and was married for 10 years. Unfortunately my marriage did not work out and we ended up getting a divorce. The reason my marriage did not work out was because we were really young when we got married and we just grew apart as we got older. It has been 10 years since my marriage broke up and I have never been happier. I was in a relationship with one married man about a year after I divorced. It was great!!! We were together for six years and it got better each and every year. Unfortunately he had a business opportunity in another state and he ended up moving. With in six months of him moving his wife filed for divorce because she was not happy.. Come to find out I was the glue that held their marriage together. Some women do neglect their husbands (and visa versa) and since I was keeping him happy she did not have to and she was fine with that. They had 5 kids and apparently fell out of love long before I came along. Some people stay in a marriage because they have kids and it is the right thing to do so they think. People get married young and grow apart and still stay married. They did not divorce because he cheated. They divorced because they were not in love anymore and it had nothing to do with the affair because she was never aware of it. Now as it stands I am seeing another married man and I love it. I have three beautiful kids that need me there full time. Being a mistress allows me to be a full time mom, full time employee, and allows me to feel like a woman a few times a month with very little strings attached. I DO NOT believe in bringing guys home around the kids. I do not believe in going out to bars and clubs and leaving the kids at home because it does take a toll on the children. I think that to many single moms get caught up in the single life and they eventually get there ego stroked and they start neglecting their kids. I was a child who’s mom brought home a few different guys and always went out. It made me sad. As far as I am concerned as long as you keep your eyes open and know your emotional boundaries and you don’t cause harm to his family there is nothing wrong with it. I am not the one cheating it is him. So what ever karma is involved it wont come back to me because I am the single one who is just trying to be a fantastic mom and a satisfied woman at the same time.
I do think that it is in bad taste to have a affair with a married man because as the other woman you are telling him that it is fine to disrespect a woman. No self-respecting woman would ever have a reason to propagate that behavior. How does it feel when he gets that message and disrespects you?
But I will say that most married men know how to treat a woman, and the single ones don’t even know where to start.
Susan: Thanks for joining the conversation.
Oh, Catherine (and some others here)… you poor simpleton. You really believe you were the glue to hold their marriage together? You believe after 5 kids, “the wife” just wasn’t happy? (Could it have been because her hubby was giving so much sexual attention to someone else, you think?!) Whose version of the story are you listening to, sweetheart? You actually have no idea what the whole picture was- you (and some others here) were simply staring at that one tree in front of your face. Apparently, you’re doing it again now. Don’t worry, karma knows, even if you don’t. You ladies hanging with the married men can’t see the forest. Ironically, you need to open your minds to reality. And, by the way, think of the children involved- his and hers, and yours. Sheesh.
Earth to women: Thanks for joining our conversation.
Earth Woman- Yes I do believe I was the glue that held the marriage together.
I believe the wife was not happy after the first kid. There are some cases where the person in question is just a miserable person all together. As far as knowing the whole picture I am very confident that I do. I would never make any type of judgment on anyone based off of one side of the story im not an idiot. Could it be that her husband was giving me so much sexual attention because she wasn’t given him ANY sexual attention.
Where do women or men think that its okay to neglect one another. Your supposed to love and cherish one another and when one party is not doing that why should the other one suffer. Its called selfishness. That is the reality of life. When you enter into a marriage it is to live your life as one. If one of the parties fails to do that what the hell do they think is going to happen. Heres another reality check for you….
If you do not satisfy your husband sexually and emotionally he will cheat… hands down he will…. So as far as I am concerned my mind is open to reality because I am not living in this little disillusioned world where I think that the world revolves around my wants and needs only…. Infact I know the reality of life that it takes two people to give it 100% to make it work…. My personal opinion is not to condone cheating by any means.
As far as I am concerned when you have an issue with your spouse you should communicate that to them. If they decide to not try to meet you halfway or at the very least consider your feelings then its time to move on. Thats what i did. I have NEVER cheated on anyone nor have I been cheated on. I refuse to live in an unhappy situation. Life is to short to be unhappy. As far as the children involved they have nothing to do with it. I am not out to break up the family. I am not trying to pull him away from his family. And if they ever found out it would have had to come from the parents. If the parents involve the kids that’s on them. It has nothing to do with me. My kids are kept out of it completely its not like he comes over for dinner or BBQS. As a woman I know how to separate my family, work, and my lover. As far as karma goes your right it always knows… Just like when you have a spouse that does not care about anyone else but themselves and is neglectful is most likely going to end up old and alone. Because karma knows…..
Catherine, it seems like you are just trying to make yourself feel better. Sure, you may think you were holding his family together as long as you have, but given what you have written you seem to be a very selfish person so it is no surprise that you would have such a skewed vision. So you like to date married men, and you think you have no influece on breaking up their relationship? Did you not think for a second that you may be destroying his marriage by giving him no strings attached sex why would he look for sex from his wife, makes sense that they would be intimate with a much lower frequency, and that in itself can contribute to a marriage being destroyed.. All you get from this relationship is no string attached sex but the flipside is that you are coming between a married couple.. dont you have a conscience? Your reason that single guys get too attached, well not if you make your intentions clear from when you meet him. Maybe its the thrill of stealing another womans man that gets you off.
chai-girl.. relating divorce rates in america because men don’t have many mistresses anymore…..? Sure the divorce rates in the US are very high, infact its shockingly high especially for 2nd or 3rd marriages where its something like 75% and 90% respectively. You might want to take a look at the world outside the USA and you will realise that there is a huge gap in divorce rates. So why is that? the rest of the world are medieval are they? You need to come up with a better conclusion. And its a wonder why even greater percentages of males in the US are starting to marry foreign women. I mean half the people here have no sense of morality.
I’m a single mother and i draw the line having any relationship with a married or attached man. The guy wins in the end while the wife and mistress are both cheated. In effect what example is it to the children of all involved? For boys it teaches them it’s ok to use women/single mothers as sex objects and betray your wife while it teaches young girls it is ok to to be treated like fodder by men. I don’t buy any justification for cheating or being used as a cheap prostitute aka single mother. Also it’s so wrong to paint all single mothers with the same brush. Most of us are too exhausted to even masturbate let alone think about having “actual” sex with anyone.
It’s the cheater who is the low life in the end but to knowingly seek married men, only an idiot would even go there and even worst brag about it. Get some self respect ladies.
Suze: Welcome to singlemommyhood. Thanks for adding to our conversation. Lots of readers agreed with your perspective on dating married/attached men.
Melinda: run away. All married men give potential mistresses the same line.
I’ve been in both boats: cheated on, and the Other Woman. I also have friends with open relationships to varying degrees and it does work for them, and I won’t judge; however I find the original post to be pretty clearly *not* talking about open relationships, and if chai_girl really finds honesty to be the key then she will realize taht this is not what is happening in most of these situations and her comments do not apply.
Being cheated on–the actual cheating, not-with-honesty kind–is devastating.
As to why I was ever teh Other Woman, especially when I knew what it does to a marriage, having been in that position: it’s true, it’s the old canard, self-esteem. I thought I was such a failure at relationships that I shouldn’t even try to be with one person who only wanted to be with me, because I could only fuck it up. Once my head started to clear, I put an end to it–too little too late, I know.
The married man I was seeing actually did tell his wife about me while we were together, and contrary to the expectations of some present, this did not make it better. It made it much, much worse, as she essentially broke down. It was devastating to her–even with honesty! Surprisingly, honesty without choice is crap.
My advice to anyone contemplating a relationship with a married man:
HE IS LYING TO YOU. If you think he can lie to his wife every day about you wihle somehow remaining totally honest with you, you are deluding yourself. Every pretty story he tells you about why you are together, and how much he loves you, and what is wrong with his marriage, is a LIE. Don’t fall for it. He is someone who can brutally hurt and betray the person he promised to love forever above all others. If he can do that to her, he can do that to you.
Maeve´s last blog ..The Year of the Better Mother is so far more like the Year of the Status Quo Mother Plus Tweaks
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
Maeve, you hit the nail on the head with that last paragraph. If a person can lie continuously to the person they are supposed to be partners with through thick and thin until the end of time, that person can’t be trusted in anything. It’s that simple. Delude yourself if you wish, but unless a “cheater” goes through some life altering psychic change for the better, his lying will continue in all aspects of life, especially with his mistress. It baffles me how that can’t be as plain as the nose on anyone’s face.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..Do I Say Something?
Twitter @ http://www.askthesingleparent.com
Wow, what a relevant topic. I was the first to divorce in my group of friends. A few followed suit, but most of my new friends are divorced. I suppose birds of a feather…
I am far less judgmental of affairs as I was pre-divorce. While I DO NOT condone affairs in any way I, unfortunately, think I might understand them more and more. In my experience I’ve learned that men are too afriad to hurt their wives with words of goodbye because they are cowardice. The men are not happy in their relationships but not yet ready to leave altogether because there is so much red tape and they ultimately do not want to hurt the woman’s feelings. However, since they (men) have already left the relationship both emotionally and physically they justify the affair. Then there are my women friends who sleep with married men because the sex is on fire, completely uninhibited, dirty, sexy and feel way more loved. I also know my women friends know the men will never fully be theres and in that case, the woman can’t be left.
I’ve also learned that divorced peeps no longer view relationships as seriously as they view marriage. I’ve had men hit on me who have girlfriends. It is not my style to perpetuate anything however both of my divorced female friends say, “Hey, go for it, it’s not like they are married”
Cheating is ugly it’s hurtful but I do see it from both sides now. I do understand how it can happen, fast and easily. I also understand the power of the vajayjay and it truly is the woman who is always in control. I say if you’re interested in an unavailable man, for real, and he’s interested in you, let him know you’ll be there when he cleans up his house! And this from a woman whose husband not only had an affair, but whose husband then lived with said woman for 6 consecutive years up until a few months ago. And, I now have a valid reason for loathing the woman as her leaving my ex-husband has had a terribly adverse affect on my child!
Always,
Daniella
Daniella´s last blog ..Single Parenting | Belonging
Twitter @ tashsparkles
I typically love reading the comments on this site, but I have to say I’m saddened to read these. Why are you all being so judgmental? I thought this was a judgment-free zone? It’s hard enough being a single mom, but when you’re also confronted with equally hard situations, it’s nice to have a place to come for answers and advice.
With that said, I’ll answer the original question. I used to “date” married men. Why? Mostly because they’re easier…you don’t get most of the drama you usually get with single men. Did I seek married men? No. The first one didn’t tell me he was married until I was well into the relationship. At that point I really didn’t care about his marital status because I was happy. When it was time to move on, I’d had such a positive experience I decided I wouldn’t automatically nix a man because of his marital status.
However, now that I’m a single mom, I have no intention of dating single men. Strange huh? Now I’m looking for something steady and real. I’m looking for a family for my son. A married man can’t do that for me. If I’m not able to find that, I could see myself landing in the land of married men again (we’re talking 5, 10 years down the line when I won’t have time for a relationship).
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
WOW I love this conversation.
I’ve cheated, been the other woman AND I’ve been cheated on. Not fun. Too much drama and hurt and confusion.
However, I do know many who have wonderfully happy and satisfying open relationships. I do believe it is possible and isn’t cheating. I am intrigued by polyamory but there has to be deep honesty, communication and trust for it to work. There should be deep honesty, communication and trust in a monogamous relationship too. Unfortunately, that isn’t often the case… hence the reason people cheat.
Regarding the question of why do single moms date married men: you hit the nail on the head. Lots of perks. And most single parents have been hurt in past relationships and would prefer to keep up a wall or mask than be vulnerable, intimate and risk being hurt again – especially at the risk of their child being hurt too.
Hey, to each their own…. it would all work if we could just be honest about things…
T´s last blog ..Things I’ve learned about Men
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Thanks to Natasha for her comment too. I think that some single moms date married men as sort of a practice of what a real relationship could be like. They begin to feel human again, desired, female, empowered, free… it helps them to remember who they were before they became single mothers.
I am certainly not condoning cheating but I can see the attraction.
Then eventually, they’ll feel comfortable about getting out there and trying again. Building a family again.
T´s last blog ..Things I’ve learned about Men
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Natasha: Thank you so much for your thoughtful honesty. It goes a long way here. We appreciate your comment so much.
My friends mother is involved with a married man with 4 kids. She has 3 of her own and the mans wife knows but feels guilty for her kids sake because their all so young. My friend has no idea that her mom is doing this and i feel awful for not telling her but its not my place. The lady who is doing this is tearing this family apart and i mean she knows shes doing this and she doesn’t care all she wants is more money and a better life but i feel awful for this mans kids they just had another baby about a year ago before she found out he was cheating and hes going to be living in a broken home because of his father. I just learned all of this today for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, What am i supposed to do?
problem with all you women is that you seem to generalize alot on men. So you dont date single men in general? I think you all lack a set of standards, aswell as compassion. But hey, who am i to judge? Im against the whole idea of cheating… not just the person who is married but you yourself. Women who are fine with sleeping around with married men are doing their part to destroy a family. In my mind its disgusting that as a human you ignore the possible consequences of your actions regardless of if you get caught. i hate this idea that if we dont get caught then no one gets hurt, just shows what type of person you are and its no wonder that your marriage failed. Im not stressing on women alone here, but men who do this aswell. If i were single and a married woman came on to me i would turn her away, i wouldnt be able to get over HER infidelity and how she can live herself LYING to the face of the person theyre married to, because if they do that its clear that there is no love in the relationship. And to completely ignore single men.. it seems you as women just dont want a relationship and want sex to fill up that urge you have. Thats so sad, but its understandable considering american society, or more generally western society as a whole. When you really think down to it, very selfish nature.