Grieving an absent parent?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Moms, Tips & Advice
“My son hasn’t seen or heard from his father in more than three years,” begins an email we recently received from a single mom.
“I’ve always told my seven year old son that his dad moved away and I didn’t know where he went,” this moms goes on. “Truthfully, I knew that he moved in with his girlfriend with whom he had two daughters.
So, I found out last night — quite accidentally — that they just had a baby boy. Clearly, he has plans to have any sort of relationship with our son. I started crying.”
“My son heard me and hugged me. I blurted out that his dad probably won’t be in his life — and his father has a new family.”
Now, this mother is wondering if she did the right thing by being so bluntly honest with her son. She explains: “I just can’t stand the thought of my son waiting for his dad to call — when obviously his dad has moved on. Both of us are heartbroken.”
She wants to know: What can I say now to help my son get through this terrible loss?
~~~
Here’s what Dr. Leah, our Sanity Fairy™ suggests:
Don’t waste any more energy second-guessing yourself. Unfortunately, there are no “magic words” to soothe this kind of loss.
Do make sure that you emphasize to your son that his father’s decision to abandon him has nothing to do with him being unlovable or inadequate. His father left for his own reasons, which even he may not fully understand.
Rituals and ceremonies commemorate transitions in life, such as marriage and death. Consider organizing a ceremony to give your child an opportunity to speak about his loss. Invite selected friends and family, if appropriate.
Give your son an opportunity to give a little speech about his father—kind of a eulogy for the living. You can also talk about your good memories of his father. You can set aside photos and other mementos in a special place. Light candles and prepare special refreshments. Like an old-fashioned wake, there will be tears and laughter.
Most importantly, others will acknowledge and mourn your son’s loss. This is critical for both of you. Wish Dad well as you light the candles. And tell your son that it’s time for both of you to move on with your lives, too.
We’d love to know:
Have you coped with a similar situation?
What advice can you offer to this single mom?
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Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I have found myself wondering over the years if a totally absent parent was preferable to one who was emotionally absent, only occasionally available, and his word, unreliable when he would appear.
In some ways, it’s so much more difficult to deal with than a clean break. You are left with a series of ifs, maybes, disappointments, manipulation – a sort of abandonment that is no less stark than what you describe here, but more insidious. The child is a puppet; the emotional strings are pulled by an irresponsible or narcissistic puppeteer.
I have no answer; only the often heart-wrenching reality of a lifetime of damage control.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Loneliness. NOT a dirty word.
Never say never. It could be that having a son will create a shift in this guy’s heart of stone.
Not sure being that blunt is appropriate, but as I have some experience with an Ex who’s checked-out more often than checked-into her son’s life, there is nothing like honesty coming from the parent who is there every day. It may be like ripping a scab off, but the healing begins immediately after.
Cover this little boy in love. I’m sure you do already. But he needs it now more than ever.
I’m also hoping there is a solid male presence in his life. If his cretin-father never shifts, at least your son will have the positive experience of a sensitive, caring, and responsible male role-model to guide him.
Solo-Dad´s last blog ..Solo-Dog
I agree, sometimes I think a clean break would be better than the manipulation tactics of some parents. If his Dad’s been absent for 3 years already, he had to know something was up. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. It may be that “airing” the truth will make it easier for him to deal with than the constant wondering when/if Daddy will show back up. Break-ups suck and it’s 10 times worse when a parent doesn’t have the maturity to put the kids first. As Solo-Dad says, shower him with love. However, DON’T let the guilt turn you into a spoiler. There’s a difference between love and guilt and I see too many parents (including myself) make mistakes based on guilt that will come back to haunt you in the end. Be honest with him, answer his questions as best you can, make sure he knows you’re available for questions, but don’t pressure him too much. He’ll handle it at his own pace and in his own way. Kids amaze me with the way their minds work. Be there, be honest, be ready for anything, but make sure you aren’t the one ripping off scabs when he’s already way into the healing process. Kids are often much more resilient than us adults. They’re often more likely to accept what IS without over-analyzing the why’s. He’ll take his cues from you mom, if you make a big fuss over it, so will he. If you accept what is and move on with honesty and integrity, so will he.
CJ´s last blog ..Random Sunday Thoughts
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
My son’s father has never ever had any contact with my 13 year old son. My son has asked questions regarding his father and I have told him that his daddy was not ready to be a daddy (which is partially true- even thought daddy was 10 years older than me), but that I was really ready to be a mommy and that I wanted to be a mommy so bad I could be both mommy & daddy.
My son seemed content with this. It has been years since I told my son this, since he is now 13, but he knows that it what happened. He also knows my ex now has a wife and a daughter. I tell my son that when he is older he can contact his father on his own. Whether that will be when he is 15 or 16 or 18, I am not sure. We have mutual friends, so I have contact information for him. I do not want to be in the middle of it, mainly out of fear of rejection for my son is the reason I want to wait until he can really handle rejection (can anyone really “handle” rejection- but at least understand that is a possibility). I have never said anything bad about my ex to my son- in fact I let my son glorify the image of his father. For example my ex is a welder- when i tried to describe this to my son, who was 5 at the time, I broke it down and told him that he helps build boats. My son in turn was very proud to tell his friends that his father builds boats. He did not feel left out when kids were talking about their dads.
It has to be really difficult for the child to have had the father there for some time, before disappearing. I would tell your son that his father wasn’t ready to be his dad like he needed and deserved and that you have enough love to be both mom & dad to him. Don’t get upset when talking to him- he will take a cue from emotions. One thing I never wanted is my son to be scared to talk to me about his father, thinking that he would make me upset or mad that he asked anything. Situation is a little different since my son is 13, but make sure you keep communicating with you son and tell him it is okay if he has questions and that you will answer as best you can. I didn’t want my son to think that it he asked questions or expressed disappointment that he father was not around that it would hurt me. Boys (girls’ too) protect their moms and if they think you will be upset at the very mention of the father, they will not come to you and in turn may develop a wrong idea of what happened and may think it is their fault. Always let them know that they can talk to you about anything and that you will be as honest (only as appropriate for their age) as you can.
Good luck !! It will get better- I promise !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Single Mom Paying Off Debt: thank you for the right on advice from a mom who has been “in the trenches” for a while now. Yes, I’ve said the same thing: “your daddy was not ready to be a daddy… and I wanted to be a mommy so badly. I could be both mommy & daddy.”
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@CJ: It IS amazing how kids model our own behavior, isn’t it?
Thank you for this:
“If you accept what is and move on with honesty and integrity, so will he.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here…is it possible that it is more of a loss to you than it is to your son? He doesn’t really know what he is losing out on (a potential relationship with his father). He doesn’t know really what he is missing but you have this image of what his relationship with his father ~should~ be. Your son has nothing to compare it to. He sees what his friends have, but the thing I’ve noticed is that there really is no such thing as a normal relationship these days. All relationships are complicated with special factors.
I do think that it is important that you are honest with your son, though. My ex did disappear and I had no idea how to contact him. It caused issues with my daughter because she thought I was just preventing him from contacting her. After months of this, I finally got on the phone with her father’s parents and let her hear them refuse to tell me how to contact him. Then the anger subsided and we were able to talk about it. I didn’t like having to do that but the resentment and anger that had built up because she thought I was lying was worse than the truth, in my opinion.
However, I also had to deal with my own feelings of anger and betrayal on her behalf. I was angry that he was doing this to his daughter. I was resentful of the fact that he could just move on with his life without looking back. It was only after I’d dealt with that I was able to help my daughter deal with it.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
My whole thing in telling my son this was that I did not want him to resent his father. I hope that one day they will have a relationship. I do not want my son to be an adult, form a relationship with his father and think that I told him negative things about his father so that he would not have a relationship with his father and then resent me in the process. I chose to take the high road for my child’s sake. My son will know what all I did for him and he will know that his father was not there helping- but in the process I never let my son be in the middle (even though there is no relationship there- there might be one day). Not to mention, my son is half of my and half of his father. I do not want him thinking that perhaps if I hate his father (which I don’t) then maybe I don’t love him as much since he is half of his dad. It is not a position I chose for us, but I try to do the best I can for his all around well-being. I believe my son will be a better man for how I handled it and how I continue to handle it, even when the tough questions arise. With my son being 13 years old, he has different questions wanting to know where he got certain traits from – such as “was my dad a good student”, “did my dad have a temper” and “did my dad play football”. These are questions that I am happy to answer. I am thankful that my son does not have any hesitation in asking me questions about his father. At this age, it has really moved from “why” his dad is not around to “what about this or than” regarding how his dad was when he was younger.
On a side note, I have a facebook account and on a whim I looked him up. His account was not set to private. His sister posted a ton of pictures of her brother, my son’s father, from when he was younger. I was able to pull these pictures and save them for my son for when he is older. It is really uncanny to see the similarities between the two. I knew my son was the spitting image of my ex, but seeing pictures of my ex at the same age of my son, I was blown away !!! I had never seen most of these pictures and obviously I did not have copies of any of his pictures from when my ex was younger. I was thrilled to be able to have these for my son and will give to him once I think it is appropriate. Just another puzzle piece for my son – he will be able to see himself in these younger pictures of his father.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Perhaps coming from a kid who was in a similar situation will help you. My father had no contact with me. As a child I hoped and hoped and eventually he did come around, but that wasn’t a good thing. I knew only bad things about him and what I got to know was also a complete disappointment. Now as an adult, I can honestly say that I do not and did not need him, and I’m okay with that. I’ve made peace with him not having been in my life. I realize now that I was better off without him. Yes, it’s hard for your little boy now, but it WILL get easier as he gets older and he will thank you for always being there for him even more.