My ex-wife is moving away. Advice?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Tips & Advice
We’re always so honored to hear from fathers at Singlemommyhood! Recently one of our longtime readers, Steve, reached out to us.
This single dad of twins is hoping that you might offer some advice. Here’s why:
“My ex is taking a job in another state so she can live with her parents and get back on her feet after financial troubles,” says this divorced dad.
“This means that I will go from being a co-parent to being a full-time single parent. She’ll probably visit one or two weekends a month — and I’m really worried about how my kids will handle the changes.”
Steve just found out that his ex is leaving town on October 15 — soon! She has also let him know that she wants their kids to be with her every holiday. “Obviously, that’s not acceptable to me,” he says.
For the record, Steve says that he has been covering their kids’ expenses — and more — since the divorce. His ex’s financial troubles have been in the work for a long time.
“For the past two years, I’ve been working extra side gigs to cover childcare and other expenses,” he adds.
“My eight-year-old twins aren’t going to understand the changes that are about to take place — and I’m very worried about making this transition as smooth as possible for them.”
Moreover, Steve’s long term girlfriend is stressed out, too. “It’s already causing some turmoil in my relationship with her.”
We bet that all of you know more about this!
Does his situation resonate with any of you?
How should this Dad prepare his kids for the changes ahead?
(Photo courtesy of Osbock)
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I’m living this life right now, except we don’t have the more acute financial issues.
My son’s mother moved from the Bay Area to Portland Oregon of a new job and I became the full time Dad until last month when he moved up there (for strictly school reasons). I now see him every other weekend and school holidays. It was the reverse when I had him full time. We negotiate Thansgiving and Winter Break on a year by year basis. We also split airfare 50/50.
The most interesting and important thing is that although my ex and I don’t particularly get along, we are VERY focused on the well being of our son and work well together as a team in that regard. What’s best for the kid is always the first question we ask.
I’m not comfortable posting some of the information Steve could use (or rather his kids could use) out in the open but please tell Steve to contact me. Its okay if you give him my email address.
Moreover they are still co-parents, just not sharing the same amount of physical time with the kids.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thank you @Kari: done!
@Eric: thanks so much. How is your son doing with the transitions? So, do you fly up to Portland every other weekend? Wow.
Ugh, I’d be heartbroken if this occurred to me. It’s one of my biggest fears that she’ll one day move away. I have no advice to offer, but I feel for you Steve. Keep us updated on what happens.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
All I can say is I WISH my ex would leave the state! As long as the kids were to stay with me I would celebrate the move.
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to give up my kids every holiday either and you shouldn’t have to.
This can be worked out and as long as you sty positive about it your kids will too.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama
I can’t really offer any guidance, as my own experience is different, but it seems to me, that Steve’s focus is in the right place, which in turn will mean the transition WILL be as smooth as possible for the twins. Good luck.
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Eric,
this is really a tough situation. While I cannot speak for your state, in Texas this is almost always NOT allowed. In fact, most legal orders that I have seen, have what is called a “domicile restriction” that prevents this from happening without your consent.
While I am NEVER a fan of taking legal action without exhausting all possibilities, I have seen emergency hearing done inside of a week.
Sadly it may be time to call an attorney.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..The Power of an Apology
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I think it would be very helpful for the whole family, mom, dad, girlfriend and kids to try to do a couple of emergency sessions with a therapist to help them work out their feelings as a coherent family. Then maybe the kids and Dad can continue for a while to help cope with the changes.
To Steve, it doesn’t sound like your ex is doing her part, and when she moves it will be even less, almost guaranteed. File for custody and support, she has to pay, she has to be reasonable about a visitation schedule. She has to cover the costs of the kids travel to wherever she goes. You have rights and so do your kids, don’t let your ex shirk her responsibilities to either of you.
Rachel – You can provide my email address if someone wants to ask more detailed questions regarding my situation.
On one hand, my son has difficulty with transitions, so he only visits the other parent every other weekend (except school and public holidays). On the other hand, the kid is a pro at navigating airports and living a full life (with 2 families and pets) at each home.
My ex and I are true coparents. I have been up in Portland 4 times this year and it was all related to what educational choices we would make for him. My fiance also came up twice as she has a unique take on my son and both he and my ex trust her judgement.
My only Texas experience was advice from a family friend named Florence Kusnetz in Houston. She’s now retired, but had made quite a name for herself in the areas of familiy mediation and her former “Court Watch” group and their advocacy regarding certain Family Court judges.
The only language in our MSA was notification in case a spouse moved. Florence thought that language was totally inadequate but both the lawyers in our case just shrugged. When my ex did tell me she was moving, my attorny offered to draw up some language, but we opted to just try to work it out, which we did.
The only real issues that come up are airfare costs, household inconsistencies, messages that one of us doesn’t get from the school, and how Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are split equally. There has also never been an issue with me taking my son to Nevada and Iowa to visit my fiance’s and my families respectively. However, I always give notice.
I agree with the others that you need to make sure that any verbal agreements are in writing and go through the courts. If it is uncontested, it shouldn’t cost too much money. You can find generic forms on the internet and, at least here, there is a lawyer on hand to act as mediator and for advice.
Even if she is out of state, she won’t get the kids every holiday. That is unreasonable. You can alternate Christmas and Thanksgivings every year.
In theory, she is responsible for expenses for whatever she needs to do to take custody of the kids when it is her time. However, I’ve footed the bill several times because I felt it was in the best interest of my daughter.
As for helping the kids to deal with it, I agree with a therapy session or two. It is important that she continue to stay in contact with them and they can contact her. Make sure her phone number is on speed dial and the kids know how to use it (this can be a blessing and a curse).
You didn’t mention how the grandparents felt about this. They may be able to help with the holidays and maintaining contact as well.
My ex moved 3 states away before the divorce was final, for similar reasons. He gets my son for every other holiday, but doesn’t always follow through because the traveling expenses are HIS responsibility (bc he is the one who moved). He also technically has one weekend a month, but has NEVER taken advantage of this. He calls about once a week. The court didn’t say a word about him moving, but if I want to move with my child, that’s a different story bc I am the custodial parent. I have both legal and physical custody.
Therapy is a good idea, and notify the appropriate people at your children’s school. It all depends on their relationship with your ex. In my case, my son was afraid of my ex, and agitated by his unpredictability, so it’s been largely good for us to have his dad out of the picture for the most part (sad, I know). He still has a relationship with him, and looks forward to spending time with him, but it’s not as intense a relationship.
What’s your custody arrangement? You will probably have to file an amended parenting/custody agreement with the court, so the two of you will have to agree on anything before it’s set in stone. For the record, she’s nuts for wanting every holiday. That’s not even rational. If you don’t have sole physical custody, I’d go for it.
Thanks to everyone who contributes so much to the conversation in our singlemommyhood community. Verbal agreements …from what attorneys tell me …not such a good idea. Things, circumstances, attitudes, and behaviors can change so unpredictably. You do want your kids protected.
Does anyone have any suggestions about what they wish they had done differently when they worked with an attorney? Something you wished you’d put in an agreement or, may-be, something you wished you had left out?
Something I had put into my agreement was that my ex had to have her own bed and a separate room for my daughter to stay in when she visited. He was financially unreliable and often spent time crashing on people’s couches because he couldn’t afford a place to live. I didn’t want my daughter to be crashing on people’s couches with him. It sounds like he might want to include that in his agreement.
The thing to remember, too, is that anything you put in there, you need to be prepared for the other person to blow it off. It is also in my decree that my ex has to notify the court and me of where he is living and contact information. He doesn’t agree with that. There have been several times when he showed up to take her and didn’t want to tell me where he was taking her. His response was “I’m her father and it doesn’t matter where I take her when she is in my custody.” I had to have the decree handy to point out that, yes, he was legally required to tell me. So be prepared to stand your ground for whatever clauses you put in there.
But unfortunately, Chai girl, unless you are ready to take someone back to court, it doesn’t hold much water. Courts care about who gets what and who gets the kids. They don’t care about the small stuff, and won’t enforce it unless you head back to court.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
Thank you all very much for your comments. We’re working out a schedule and provided she follows through with it the kids will see her nearly every other weekend. She leaves next Thursday. Given the financial situation we’re in (long story and way too personal) I am not in a position to pay anything toward travel expenses either way.
I am doing everything I can to make this transition as smooth as possible for everyone. I know it will just be one day at a time and we’ll all get through it. I’m meeting with their teachers next week. All of our schedules are in writing. We do have joint custody for both legal and physical. I’m looking into that as well at least for the physical component of it.
Thank you Rachel and Dr. Leah for putting the question out there. My kids mean the world to me.
Hi! I have agreed for my ex to move out of state to get back on her feet emotionally and fincially. In the agreement is that we split the cost of the children’s travel expenses. She is now refusing to get a job and is also refusing to pay half of the expenses. Her suggestion is for me to fly up tto see the kids so she doesnt have to spend any money. Am I able to purchase the children’s tickets and then get the court to order her to pay me back for half? I want to be apart of my childrens life! I am a fulltime student and cant afford much more than the plane rides and the child support. I live in florida…
Thanks so much!