Are you and your ex spending the holiday together?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Single Dads
Thanks to all of you who have been writing to us about your holiday plans. It’s clear that you’re doing your best to keep your stress level down.
And many of you are looking forward to your family celebrations and a bit of down time. Some of you have written to share how you’re grappling with some thorny parenting dilemmas — like this one single mom and single dad who’ve been chatting with us about a similar situation. The interesting thing is: they have totally opposite points of view.
Because neither of us have faced this parenting choice — we both have sole custody of our kids — we’re hoping that you can chime in. Likely, many of you have faced this situation, and therefore know far more than we do about this delicate dilemma.
So, here’s what we heard:
“It sucks not to spend Christmas Day with my kids,” says this recently divorced single dad with a tiny baby and a five-year-old.
“I know we worked out the parenting time schedule with alternating holidays, blah, blah with all the legal rigmarole. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just don’t want to miss out on anything. My ex, however, doesn’t see things the same way.”
“That’s why I’m planning to ask my ex (again):” Why can’t we both enjoy the holidays with the kids?
He explains: “Wouldn’t a bit of compromise and cooperation show our kids the true spirit of the season?”
On the other side of the spectrum, there’s a single mom with a nine-year old son who sees things much differently.
She told us: “I get pressure from my ex every year because he wants to trash our parenting time schedule in order to spend the holiday together. But my son is used to ‘two holidays.’ And we both try to make our respective time as happy for him as we can.”
And, year after year, she tries to explain to her ex that: spending Christmas Day — or any part of the holiday together — just sends kids the wrong message.
If kids see you celebrating together, they get false hope that you’ll work it out and get back together.
These are obviously two very different perspectives.
Both these parents want the best for their kids. And their vision of what’s “best” is very different.
So, we’d love to know your views on this parenting choice.
We’re wondering:
Is it selfish to want to spend the entire holiday with your kids?
Do kids get false reconciliation hopes leading only to further disappointment?
Or, is spending the holidays together a great way to show them the true spirit of the season?
This post was inspired by formerlyaprildawn
(Photos courtesy of Robert Sinclaire and Sheree OBrien Photography)
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The plan that my ex and I have worked out is that I’m having our girls with me on Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning; then around mid-day, they’re going with him.
I’ve extended the invitation to him to spend some time with us on Christmas eve, otherwise he’ll be spending the evening alone. He’s still considering the invitation. I don’t think my girls have any false expectations about us getting back together, and I do think that they would love having the whole family together for at least a little time over the holidays. *I* personally don’t want to spend any time with him if I can help it, but for the sake of my children, I will do it…because the holidays are about family, and putting others first, right?
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..The Holidays are Coming…
Twitter @ Wallacewriter
Whether your kids have unrealistic expectations or not depends on what messages you send the rest of the time.
You don’t have to go to a resort with your former spouse or partner, but we’ve been told (my ex and I) that spending times together on such occasions shows your kids you can get along. And that’s a good thing.
Of course, how you behave when you are together is also crucial.
Twitter @ http://pigeonsandplatypi.blogspot.com
It’s a tricky thing. As a child of divorced parents, I got used to having two holidays and it would have been way more stressful to have both of my parents in the same room than it would have to have two holidays. Sure, it would be nice if everyone could have a big happy holiday together–but is that realistic? I can put aside some of my personal feelings to make sure my son doesn’t have to hold on to the baggage I carry about my ex, but I’m not Superwoman and I can’t make that baggage go away. Also, it does make it seem very “one big happy family!” to me and that is kind of fake. I guess it depends on the two individuals. That said, I did invite my ex’s parents over for Christmas dinner at my house. I’m not heartless–they’re driving five hours to see their grandson and spending Christmas at a hotel. Having them over for dinner is the least I can do. Luckily they will spend most of their time with my son at the ex’s house.
Allison´s last blog ..
Twitter @ thordora
It’s still new for us, but since their father and I didn’t spend oodles of time together before, mine are thrilled if we do at all. So we make the effort for family time still, making the point that families do include parents who can’t live together.
However, thus far it’s been mostly amicable, if not occasionally irritating. Things driffted apart awhile ago, which has made this easier. And he’s committed to his kids, so it helps. I lost my mother young-so I want us both there.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks @Momma Sunshine and @Elizabeth for pointing out that it is important for your kids to see you getting along — and that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hoping for reconciliation.
I really think it depends on the parents and the children. I have an aunt and uncle that are divorced but they’re still friends and they get together with my cousins and their families for Christmas. My parents attend the same family birthday parties with their spouses and there isn’t much drama.
My brother and sister and I used to spend the morning at my mom’s and the afternoon at my dad’s on Christmas day until we decided to start celebrating with him on a different day. Up until this year my kids’ mom and I split it up so that one of us got Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning and the other got from noon on. It had its hiccups but it worked out pretty well. Now that she moved to another state that’s not really an option so the kids will be flying to see her the day after Christmas and sadly next year I won’t see them until after the actual holiday. I’m sure it will be hard but I get to see them the rest of the year and we have a lot of traditions together.
As for spending the day together, I don’t see a problem with it. I just don’t enjoy her company enough to make it worth doing especially on my favorite holiday. Maybe someday things will be different.
You shouldn’t spend time with your ex because it send the wrong message? Avoiding your ex is the “right” message? Obviously, it depends on the situation, but I couldn’t disagree more.
We moved out to California 10 years ago, and I have no family in the area. (My ex has one sister in the area.) My choices are spend the holiday with my ex and the kids, or spend it alone. I’ve spent every holiday over the last 5 years with them. I have made the effort to get along with her and be as forgiving and generous as possible. It’s extra work, but it is worth it.
No, my kids aren’t confused by the message – they are smart and mature enough to understand it.
Twitter @ jonestony
I’m happy with the settlement — she gets them Christmas Eve (which I’ll spend quietly with my parents), and I get them on Christmas morning at 9am. I would think it’s unfair if she had them till mid-afternoon on Christmas.
And the kids are excited because Santa comes to both houses!
Tony Jones´s last blog ..By: Kristin T. (@kt_writes)
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Phil: It’s great to hear from you! Indeed, as you say, with older kids you can definitely explain relationships to them — and clearly, they get it. When it comes to, say, a toddler, perhaps it can be a bit confusing? Good for you for being so open and forgiving.
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
It would be tough for my Ex and I to spend a significant amount of time together on the holidays. We divided them up on alternating years but for Christmas, we gave one person Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. We did put on a contingency if that the one who has our daughter on Christmas Day travels out of town for the holiday, the get her fromthe 23rd – the 26th. I never planned on using it because I believe a child should wake up in their own bed on Christmas day, even if they have two beds in two separate houses. Ex has decided that she on her years she will take my daughter away because she wants the entire holiday. Ex has not family to speak of so she’ll be taking my daughter to a friend’s place just to get the time. I think that’s selfish and not in the spirit of co-parenting. This year, my daughter is 3 so the “timing” of it is a bit lost on her. She and I will celebrate on the 26th and 27th when she gets back but I’m not happy about this one. In future years, we’ll see how it goes.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..Have Yourself a Lonely Christmas…
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Just the idea of spending the holiday with my ex is…hilarious! It would definitely make some awesome reality show watching though; me, my ex, and his wife – my ex best friend. Oh, I can see it now. The gift exchange would include a new legal motion of some sort followed by an accusation of something all tied up with a pretty bow…
Yeah, a holiday with him will NEVER happen. Luckily we have it worked out where I get the kids every year for Christmas Eve and Christmas and he always gets T-Giving, which is his family’s high holiday. Last year – right after filing yet another costly and malicious legal motion – was the first time he EVER (in 7 yrs) exercised his parenting time from 1-3pm on Christams Eve. Go figure. Divorce with my ex is the *gift* that keeps on giving.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Men, Women, Attraction & Chemistry
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
My ex and I alternate years with our girls for Thanksgiving, and then we spend Christmas Eve (at my house or his) and all or most of Christmas Day all together (at my house or his, and then his parents’). Last year this time, his then-girlfriend came with him to my house on Christmas Eve and Christmas. They are married now, and I’ll be at their house this year.
Deesha´s last blog ..“Co-Parenting Matters” Book Giveaway: Tell Us Why Divorce Sucks!
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I think whatever works for families, works. There’s no right or wrong. My ex and I spent our first divorced Christmas together. Neither of us was used to “sharing” yet, and it was just less traumatic for everyone involved. Since then, we haven’t spent any holidays all together (unless our son’s birthday counts)… but not because we think it would be wrong to do so. It just works out better to get to all the various family functions if we split our time. But we spend plenty of time together at events: soccer parties, birthday parties, etc. My son was a toddler when we split up, and I don’t think our son was ever confused about us getting back together.
I absolutely agree that children seeing their divorced parents getting along is a good thing. While we don’t spend Christmas together, I always get a small gift for my ex. I think it’s a gesture of kindness that’s good for our son to see (and it doesn’t hurt to help my ex and I remember to be friendly).
As a child of divorced parents, I spent only two Christmases with both of them. Both were after I’d grown and moved into my own place and could host Christmas dinner myself and invite them both. Thankfully, they always got along well and enjoyed each other’s company. Those two Christmases are, to this day, my absolute favorites.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Letting go
Twitter @ mskat
Ha! My ex-husband and I haven’t been able to spend more than 30 minutes in the same room together in 16 years, spend an entire holiday day together??
Hahahahahaha!
Kat´s last blog ..Video games, kitty food, and front teeth.
I have offered my “ex” (not official yet) the following, but don’t know if he’ll take it as his anger toward me overshadows what is in the children’s best interest. He had them Thanksgiving from Wed night thru Sun night, on Christmas Eve & Christmas day until 10am the kids would be at home & Christmas Day at 10am he takes them to his house for the remainder of the weekend. Then New Year’s the kids and I go out of state for a late Christmas with Grandma & Papa. Since he has 2 1/2 weekends a month, he’s trying to argue that he gets EVERY holiday & well, basically, “screw you.” Unfortunately, denying the children the opportunity to be with extended family doesn’t make his radar as being a jerk. He’d originally agreed but now, out of spite toward me, is trying to rescind the agreement. It breaks my heart to watch these children being used as pawns in some vendetta against me. They are so excited to see Papa & Grandma as well as aunts, uncles, cousins, and great-grandparents..have made gifts and plans. It’s just sad. But what can I do??? Pray that he’ll see what is good for them…that’s about all at this point.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
Depends on the parents. My parents spent every Hanukah together—birthdays—some Thanksgiving–they had a decent and respectable relationship. I never once hoped that they would get back together–in fact, I loved having both parents together where we would laugh together.
However, on the other hand, I would NEVER want to celebrate a holiday with my ex—we have no relationship whatsoever. It would be too tense, not an enjoyable way to spend the holiday. In fact, he texted me, yes, texted me asking what our daughter would want for Christmast (she’s going to his side of the family for Christmas). But come on, he could have called me—but he won’t even call, ever!
So, it depends on the current relationship the parents have. And, most children appreciate it when their parents can get along and be in the same room to celebrate.
Avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ laurenmli
I don’t believe there is a clear-cut answer here. It really depends on the situation. Every divorce is different. Kids are ages vary, the reasons for the split vary, the family traditions vary, etc.
My ex and I are much like Deesha and her ex. We are fortunate in that we actually like and respect one another. We can laugh together, share stories of our days, etc. So we celebrate special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.) together when it works for our schedules, and we don’t when it doesn’t.
Our son, now four, was a couple months shy of two when we split. He only knows life with divorced parents. My ex and I are both in committed relationships and like each other’s significant others. I am certain that our son has no expectation of reconciliation, nor will there ever be, because he doesn’t know life with us together.
While I don’t experience it first hand, as the girlfriend of a man whose relationship with his ex is the COMPLETE opposite, I am witness to how stressful the holidays can be for ex-couples like this. These two could not spend an hour in a room together, much less an entire holiday. And because his boys are teenagers whose parents were married until two years ago, I could see where doing so could instill false hope for them.
For ex-couples like this, it is natural that coming to an agreement on what will be best for the children is difficult — as the mere fact that they are divorced is likely evidence of their tendency to disagree. Whatever is decided, open, honest and consistent communication with the children in an age-appropriate context is key to shaping their perceptions.
Lauren´s last blog ..Mars vs. Venus: What Women Want… Rather, What I Want
Avigail74: *Deep breath* Texting about what your child wants for Christmas – definitely a new low. And it sounds like you and Kat are in the same situation with your ex’s and holidays – never going to happen!
Sarah: Kids as pawns . . .so sad. We’re keeping a good thought that things get sorted out for your kids’ sake.
My daughter’s dad and I split the holiday with Christmas Eve with one and Christmas Day for the other. We do live in a reasonable distance that this is do-able for both families and not too much on our daughter.
Here’s what I think. Kids with unmarried parents (and there are milliions of them) survive the holidays so much better than we do. If you stress out, freak out or otherwise panic your kids will pick up on that and they will start to feel pressure around the holidays every year. This is their childhood, you already had your childhood. Grow up, suck it up and make sure they enjoy it, every year. They already got a raw deal on their parents not being together. Don’t let your selfishness get in the way.
Having 2 homes, 2 sets of traditions is not necessarily a bad thing. They can take what they like from one home and incorporate that into their lives when they are older and leave behind the traditions they did not enjoy. Two homes, two holidays, twice the love and joy for them….or at least it should be if the adults pull their selfish heads out of their own butts. Whatever it takes to make their holiday a happy one, just do it.
I don’t think there can be any one right answer. It all depends on your relationship and what kind of divorce you have/had. In our situation, there is no way in hell I’d spend the holidays with my ex, even though we treat each other respectfully. We can get along, which is important, but I don’t think showing your kids you get along necessitates spending time together. Personally, one of the reasons I left him was because of how he treated (rather ignored and rejected) our son, and I think my spending time with the ex might even validate those attitudes in my son’s mind. I have my life, he has his, and my son gets to have double holidays. It’s not utopia, but it works for us.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I think the case where I said it might send false expectations was specifically about Jon and Kate. Spending the first Xmas together, with their kids as young as they are, could most definitely send the wrong message to their kids that things might work out. Does anyone remember that This American Life episode where the 8-yr-old girl just didn’t want to accept reality, and all she wanted was her parents back together? For the first year, I’d say, children should get used to spending time with each parent independent of the other.
After that, then I agree with the commenters that say it depends on the situation. If the exes can be cordial and respectful, then it’s probably okay. I remember inviting my X over to decorate the tree with us, and he completely ignored the kids and just tried to work on getting back together with me. Needless to say, it wasn’t a very happy memory for any of us.
There are so many variables, but in the end, if both parents can keep the child/ren’s best interest at heart, then they’ll find what works for them.
April´s last blog ..Another education post
Twitter @ PamalaLauren
I think it really depends on the people, but that it’s also important for people to put their children first and “suck it up” for them. My ex spent Thanksgiving with us here, had dinner like usual, and I made my family suck it up for my daughter because she doesn’t care what’s happening just that her family is together. Same will happen for Christmas. I don’t think he’ll be here Christmas morning, I haven’t talked to him about it yet, but for dinner, he will be for sure. I’m sure once I invite him over for Christmas morning he’ll be here as well. I just don’t see how my child should suffer because we don’t happen to be married anymore.
Pamala´s last blog ..When Social Networking Goes Bad…
Pamala:Thanks for joining our conversation. I bet the meal is scrumptious . . .and we agree! Sometimes the adults just have to suck it up for the sake of the kids.
Twitter @ http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/HowToBeAHappySingleMother.html
I think striking a balance is ideal. Some time all together, and some time on your own with your child (or children), means that everyone can hopefully have a little of what they want. However, the time spent with your ex must be amicable otherwise it’s better not to bother. It is dreadful for children to feel tensions and feuds, especially on days which should be filled with love and joy.
My ex and I are spending Boxing Day together with our daughter (and my family) and also taking our daughter away for 3 days. On Christmas Day itself, however, my ex is taking our daughter down to his mum’s for the day, so I have decided to volunteer at a drop-in centre for kids with dysfunctional parents. By helping others far less fortunate than myself and keeping very busy I am sure to miss my daughter less, and turn this tricky time of year into a really positive experience.
Orit Sutton
How To Be A Happy Single Mother: An Inspirational Guide to Parenting Alone
While things are nice between the ex and I currently, we do seperate christmas’s with our own extended families. This year he had our daughter all day christmas eve then returned her to me for the night, I dropped her back to him at 8.30am Christmas day and picked her up at 3pm. That worked for us as my parents are divorced so Christmas Eve was dinner with my dad and nan and Christmas day dinner was with my mum and my sisters plus their families. My ex’s family was doing brunch/lunch on Christmas day so it all tied in well. But its not the brief chat/drop off it normally is, I stayed for an hour with them Christmas morning to take some photos for them & stuff. And the ex came around for a little while on boxing day to play with our daughter & the presents she got here.
It was our daughter’s 2nd Christmas so we are still trying to make things as easy and fair for everyone. But it went really well – hopefully it will be smooth sailing from now on.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
I get the opportunity to work with lots of co-parents and this issue comes up a lot. Most of which, myself included, don’t get along with the Ex well enough to do mutually anything. Soo… I teach parents to change their concept of the actual “day” being special and make it an actual “week” instead. If we train our children that their birthday week is special, that Thanksgiving week is special and Christmas week is special, then what is wrong with having a birthday party 3 days before your birthday or Christmas on the 27th?
I have seen this really work for kids and GREATLY frees up co-parenting problems. Yes, co-parenting children may celebrate two birthdays and two Christmases but it is a whole lot less stress, and with parents that cannot be in the same room together, it sometime is the only way it works.
The secret is changing children’s expectations. Seven years into the program, my kids love week long celebrations. Try it!
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Be the Better Parent – My Story!