Where’s my mommy?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Dads, Tips & Advice
We’ve talked often at Singlemommyhood about answering the “dad questions.” And we’ve both struggled with these issues with our own kids.
And we know that many of you deal with “other parent” issues, particularly around the holidays.
So, when a single dad told us about a recent experience with his daughter, we realized *GULP* that we had never discussed the painful dilemma of the absent mom. (Of course, we got emotional.)
Here’s what this single dad shared with us:
He has sole custody of his almost four-year-old daughter. Her mom is a drug addict. And she hasn’t been heard from since shortly after this little girl was born.
This dad juggles it all — and we know you can all relate to this one:
The publicly funded day care center she attends honors all the winter holidays: Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas.
“So, here I am,” he told us, “sitting on this tiny chair in a room full of moms. All of us are intently decorating Hanukkah cookies with our kids. Suddenly my daughter is pulling at my sleeve with that ‘right now’ look on her face, which usually means a fast trip to the nearest bathroom.”
“Instead, she whispers in my ear: ‘Where’s my mommy?’ “
Of course, his little girl had asked this question before. And she’d seemingly been content with his explanation that her mother loves her “but is too sick to take care of her right now.”
He also comforted his daughter by reciting in a funny sing song way a whole list of people who love her. (Fortunately, this dad has a supportive family and lots of close friends.) This time, however, it just seemed different.
His little girl had reached a new stage. Platitudes, vague explanations and reassurances were soon not going to be enough. And the truth about her mother is another uncertain issue. She could be dead or, just as likely, suddenly appear on his door step. If she did reappear, she would probably not stay long, but surely long enough for his little girl to feel loss when she inevitably left again.
This dad struggles to chose the best path to take with his child.
Should he tell the truth and answer the ‘Where’s my mommy question?’ simply by saying “I don’t know”?
Or, is it time for him to lay the groundwork to tackle the real life issues about his daughter’s mom?
If so, how should this “missing mommy” conversation with his daughter begin?
(Photo courtesy of Bethisrael1 via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
I think that telling the hard truth at 4 years old is too early. Telling his daughter that her mommy is “sick” seems to be the correct way of handling things right now. I have a 4 year old and looking at him I would think he is way too young to understand all the dirty details of why his dad is really gone. I don’t think anyone should brush off their kids when they are asking the tough questions about an abset parent but there is definatly a time line for telling the hard core truth and 4 is just too young.
Jolene´s last blog ..My own demons
Twitter @ singlemomma_cc
This dad is a rockstar. He’s handled it well and maintained his strength for his daughter. We all know that gut twisting pain we get when our babys ask us the tough questions….
My daughters 7 now and I still stand by the “he’s doing his thing & we’re doing ours” bit and so far thats still covering me for the most part…Ill tell her someday…..just not today~
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..4 long hours…
Twitter @ http://rosiescribble.typepad.com
It needs to be handled carefully of course. I think she should be given a small piece of information so she does not get too frustrated because no-one will answer her questions, but given that she is so young, any reply would need to be carefully thought through and built-on later.
Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Watch out Tiger Woods
Thanks @Rosie Scribble. That’s the heart of this dilemma. She’s so young, but what this dad choses to say will be the foundation of what he tells his daughter about Mom later on. So, you’re right . . . it’s got to be carefully thought out.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
He needs to be honest. Realistically, he will be the ONE parent this child looks up to and relies upon for the rest of her life.
That is not to say he needs to say “yo mamma is a crack head”; but I think he needs to set the expectation that she is sick and hopefully at some point when she is better, she can be a part of our lives again.
It tells a 4 year old that mom is sick (not a lie) and that she is not coming back in the near future and that IF she does, that dad is willing to make her a part of their lives again. Not saying get married or anything, but she is the mother of his kid and by default she is in their lives.
As she grows older, offer more information. Say at 7 clue her into the whole drug issue, etc.
John W. Frenaye´s last blog ..Bohemian Rhapsody By The Muppets
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
While she is only four what you say will be remembered forever. I am firm believe in telling my kids the truth, all time, in almost every situation. Now saying that, you don’t have to give every details or imply vindictiveness. Keep your feelings out of it but don’t build up the missing parent.
In this situation, I would agree with what he is already saying, “Mommy is sick, and she is trying to get help.” Which will probably lead to a follow up question, “When will she be home?” To which I would tell the truth, “I don’t know.” “Will mommy ever come home?” “I don’t know honey, I don’t know.”
As a custodian dad who deals with absence, missing, good and bad parents in my occupation, I always tell parents–don’t romance the missing or bad parent. Stick to the basic facts and end with YOUR love for your kids. Your love is the only thing YOU have control over and can truthfully convey.
Recently, I have been asked by my 10 YO daughter… “Why is mommy not picking me up this weekend?” My answer, “Well my dear, I don’t know. I’ll see if I can call her and reminder her, but if she doesn’t show tonight, it will give you an opportunity to see some of the things we do when you are gone.”
“Is my mommy going to jail?” My answer, “I don’t know. What makes you ask that?” … “Well perhaps your mother has made some choices in her life that have not always been the best. You don’t have to worry about that, just know that I love you very much.”
You are on the right track, stick to truth and repeat your love for her. Your doing great–don’t over think this!
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Discussion Session II
These are all great recommendations. My kids were 3 when we split and I definitely told them less when they were younger. I still only tell them what they need to know and what they can understand. I’ve said it before but the important thing I try to remember is that I’m not responsible for their relationship with their mom. That is between her and them only. I tell them all the time if they have a problem they should ask her about it because I can’t answer for her. Of course it’s different because they still see her frequently and she has her own version of reality with its own answers. In many of these cases the kids only get one side of the story so honesty has to be mixed in with compassion to some degree. I firmly believe that every child has the right to love both of their parents no matter how flawed they might be.
Twitter @ laurenmli
I agree with John in that you do need to address the future and the possibility of the mother’s return. I also think it is important not to instill false hope. Perhaps something along the lines of “she is sick, and hopefully at some point when she is better, she can be a part of our lives again. But we don’t know if or when that will be. For now, we have each other and you know you can count on me to always be here.”
While my son sees his father and me regularly, one thing we do when he is missing the parent he is not with is offer to do something nice for that parent. It helps him feel connected even though we are not present. I don’t know if this is appropriate in a situation where the other parent is never present, as I have no experience in this, but it’s something to consider.
My ex and I say, “It’s okay to miss your mom/dad. Why don’t we draw him/her a picture?” You could do this and then “send” the pictures to your daughter’s mom. This might help her feel more connected. Or maybe the goal is to help sever the ties?
Lauren´s last blog ..Divorce Guilt, Overcome
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
That question breaks my heart. I echo what SingleMomma_CC said: this Daddy is a rock star. His daughter will be so much better off with the way he’s handling things.
My daughter just turned 3 and is just waking up to the fact that she is different than other kids. She and I spent time with my parents and sister (and her hubby and 3 kids) during Thanksgiving and my little one latched on to the idea of “Family.” She gets it now. As soon as she went to her mother’s after that weekend, she started asking for Daddy to come over, and asking who her family is. That’s a really tough question to answer because she now has begun to want us to spend time together. Given the nature of our divorce, not possible.
Our situation is very different from this Dad’s experience but I have to be careful just that same in my answer. Mommy is intermitent with her attention and lays my daughter off on baby sitters regularly during her time to which my daughter has responded “I cry.” Kills me. Trying to explain to a toddler that Mommy loves you (even if she isn’t with you as much as you would like) is a tough one. I hope she gets it. Makes me sad though. At her age, very few kids she knows are in her situation. That will change as she gets older. I can only hope that it doesn’t affect the way she feels about herself.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..On the Band Wagon
Twitter @ http://www.nosinglemamadrama.wordpress.com
I think, for me, it would be the same as answering the question for a boy about his father.
I think being as honest as you can, keeping in mind age appropriateness, of course. She doesn’t need to know–nor would she understand–the why of it, but he can tell her at least her mother’s physical location.
It’s up to him whether he wants to say stuff like “mommy loves you.” etc.
Ms. No Single Mama Drama´s last blog ..$20 & Less Christmas Gifts for Kids Ages 9-12
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s mother. I think you can get more detailed at 7 or 8 (my daughter is 8 and it’s incredible to me what she is able to process about her father). I think whenever this question comes up, you should tell her you are always going to take care of her and so are your family members. My daughter has this recurring fear that something will happen to me and I wish I started the reassuring earlier than I did. The problem with leaving it at “Your mom is sick” is that kids hear about people being “sick” all the time…so when you get a cold and you say “I’m sick” you don’t want her to think you may disappear too. I don’t have a good answer for you on how to fix that – I just speak from experience. Maybe choosing another word besides “sick” would be a good idea though. You want her to know her mom is in a different category.
Good luck…I know you are doing great because you are proactively thinking about this stuff!
Swati
Swati´s last blog ..How I Changed My Attitude About Exercise and Eating Healthy
I have faced almost this exact situation – I have full custody and there has been no contact at all with mom for almost a year now. My daughter will be seven this January. The advice my daughter’s therapist gave me was to give some version of the truth but avoid unnecessary adult detail. I stuck with “Your mom is sick” as long as I could. After a few months, more detail was demanded. I improvised the following – “It’s an adult kind of sickness, from adult things like coffee and cigarettes – when adults have too much of things like that it makes them sick. She loves you but she’s in the hospital now and she can’t see you or talk to you while she’s there. I don’t know exactly how long she will be in the hospital, but it will be for a long time.” Which was accepted as a real explanation – her anxiety gradually lessened after that conversation. If they think you are hiding something they will look for a way to blame themselves. I will wait for cues from my daughter as to when is the right age for a more real explanation, but I would guess it will be a few years yet.
Solo Dad: Thank you so much for joining the conversation and sharing your personal experience. Adding detail/explanation is essential. And 7 years old is typically “the age” when kids need additional information to make sense out of their situation. You did a great job. We know it was a tough conversation.
Twitter @ http://raisingchildraisingself.blogspot.com/
Awww this just makes me want to cry!
Sophia´s last blog ..Hypnobirthing or Traditional Childbirth Classes?