It’s Christmas break and I haven’t met his kids
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids
A single mom we’re privileged to know shared this dilemma with us:
“I’m upset because my boyfriend hasn’t introduced me to his kids.”
Our single mom friend filled us in on the details by email: “I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a terrible relationship with his ex.”
For the record, he has three teenage boys, while her kids are “still in the Santa Claus phase.”
So, when her BF’s ex is manipulative and uses the kids against him, they know what’s going on: “They’re struggling to maintain a relationship with each other because she makes the kids feel guilty when they want to see their dad.”
She added: “My boyfriend is afraid of his ex because she continues to interfere with his relationship with his kids. ”
Here’s the current situation: they’ve been dating for almost two years (Wow!), and her boyfriend has promised (again) to introduce her to his kids this weekend.
But she has a feeling that he might might not follow through since he fears repercussions from his ex.
Of course, Dr. Leah and I buzzed back and forth about this situation.
We see two distinct dilemmas:
Our single mom friend is *involved* with a man who is still significantly controlled by his ex.
We wonder why the boyfriend has not mentioned his girlfriend in casual conversation with his boys during the last two years.
Is our single mom friend absolutely sure she knows the full story of their break up? His ex’s emotions seem pretty raw given that they’ve been broken up for more than two years.
If his ex is interfering in his relationship with his kids, what is he doing about it? Is there a court order in place? What advice has his attorney offered? Is counseling a possibility? Or, is he simply hoping his ex will calm down at some point?
Secondly, our single mom friend has incorporated her boyfriend into every aspect of her family life. This means that she has also taken the time — and hard work — to gain the approval and cooperation of her supportive ex.
It just seems a bit unfair and rather lopsided. Do you agree?
We see two possible options. Or maybe three?
The first option is just to keep things status quo. That means no contact between his kids and our single mom friend.
Or, the boyfriend could simply introduce the kids to our single mom friend (as promised) and deal with the fallout.
Lastly, maybe the adults should work this out without the kids. What if the boyfriend arranged to introduce his girlfriend to his ex? And then the girlfriend could appeal to her as a mom for cooperation to benefit everyone?
We’d love to know your thoughts!
What advice would you offer this single mom who’s tired of not being a full part of her boyfriend’s life?
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(Photo courtesy of stheisen via Flickr)
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Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
It sounds like there’s more going on here than meets the eye. The adults need to discuss their relationship.
Caveats: It’s holiday time. The expectations and mixed emotions run high. It may not be the best time to drop news on kids that may in some way bother them. On the other hand, perhaps they’d be happy for their dad. Just one more reason for the adults to figure it out first. The “friend” may see the relationship as more long term than the gentleman does, which could be a reason for his reluctance to introduce her more deeply into his life. After two years, better to know that, if it’s the case.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Yes, no, and finding balance
Give the guy a break. Everybody deals with things differently. If there are other related problems, then yes, it needs to be handled. If this is the only major problem after 2 years, I say let it go.
Not everyone is going to follow your rules. If he meets the kids less than 180 days, he’s rushing it and wants you to raise his kids. If it is more than 180 days, he has commitment issues. (Yes, I was criticized for meeting the GF’s kids after 2 months, and it has worked out fine.)
Sure, discuss it, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I disagree with Phil completely. There needs to be a simultaneous opening up of a relationship to feel good and equal in a relationship, with or without kids. Inviting someone into your family is a huge deal. If you do that and they don’t reciprocate, how can you feel anything but terrible?
My ex had a mother who was going to hate me because I’m white and christian-ish (she is black and muslim). So the ex was all in my family and I was never in his. We even had our son together and I didn’t know his family. It is the WORST. It makes you feel unworthy.
Its your boyfriend’s responsibiiity to get you involved in his life in the least disruptive way. He needs to assess the situation and decide if you should meet the ex first or just the kids. BUt if this is important to you and he loves you, he should bring you into his family regardless of his ex.
Samantha´s last blog ..Almost Done and Snow!
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
Ouch! I’ve had that happen before–a boyfriend I had one time, loved being with my family, felt so at home with them, loved hanging out with my daughter—but no, he couldn’t let me watch his son’s soccer game, wouldn’t let me come to his parties (he plays soccer himself and they were all his soccer buddies). We even went on trips together–he met my ex—and my ex’s first wife and child—but no, he couldn’t let me be in his life. Talk about unbalanced. Talk about unfair. Talk about pain.
Something is very wrong with this single mom’s dilemma–especially after two years of dating! Ouch!
Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
Wow this ex wife has a lot of power being GIVEN to her by her kids and her ex. Sounds to me like they “fear” her wrath. They need to act like men and “man up” already. He’s not married to her anymore, his kids are teenagers which means they have a lot of say legally and emotionally in their relationship with their father. They are continuing to GIVE this woman her power and control. Enough is enough.
The girlfriend has been understanding, she has exercised appropriate patience and boundaries. Now it’s decision time. You teach people how to treat you. She’s teaching him that she will accept a lot of B.S from his ex wife giving the ex wife additional power. She’s an adult of free will. She needs to either be willing to accept personality flaw in her boyfriend or she needs to move on. What happens if they if they want to get married? Is he going to have a nervous breakdown about the ex wife? What about another baby or a move to a new home? When does it end? I believe it ended when the marriage ended and he hasn’t caught on to that yet.
The kids need to know their dad is a normal healthy adult male and he’s got a life outside of his job and his family. A life that he finds some happiness in. He needs to demonstrate individuality and a sense of independence from their mother. He’s modeling sad pathetic behavior to these kids.
Twitter @ swatibharteey
It’s really important for her boyfriend to teach his sons what a healthy relationship looks like. He is their role model. If he is uncomfortable, maybe the 2 of them could see a therapist a couple of times to practice how the intros take place and what he should say. I think the teenage boys really need to see how a man should treat a woman – and this woman does deserves to be given respect after 2 years. The boys also need to understand that they shouldn’t let their mom run their lives into adulthood. I agree with the comment above though that emotions run high at Christmas and another time may be better. They should work together to see if it is better for her to meet the ex first – or maybe just the boys? If things were normal, that would be a nice way to approach it – but if not, just focus on the boys and answering their questions.
Good luck!!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Adopt a Single Mom Family for the Holidays
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I agree that the holidays is not the right time to deal with this issue.
I also agree the guy needs to “man up”.
Is he ashamed of his relationship? His girlfriend?
If not, he really has no other reason to keep it a secret after so long. I think a casual introduction to the kids the next time they are over (after the holidays) is definitely in order.
And as far as having a difficult, controlling and vindictive ex? Yeah, I have that times 2 and I’d never give them the power to negatively impact an otherwise good relationship.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Crumb-Babies, Christmas & Creepiness
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I think two years is more than enough time to work up to introducing the kids to the new girlfriend. Obviously this guy is still having significant issues with his ex that need to be worked through, otherwise its going to significantly damage his current relationship.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Merry Christmas!
Twitter @ j_nay
Boyfriend needs to grow up and handle his business with the ex. How will he ever be able to move on with his life if is ex is allowed to continue holding a neuse around his neck. New girlfriend need to look at this situation and access carefully before getting more deeply involved with this guy. This doesn’t seem like a complete story. Is girlfriend sure that more is not going on between boyfriend and his ex? Girlfriend, be careful with this one … and don’t be surprised if your relationship doesn’t end up being all you thought it to be.
j.nay´s last blog ..Emails/messages/blogs/twitters …..