How to survive a dry spell
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Tips & Advice
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But the new design aside, let’s get back to what this site is really about: you. We’re sure that many of you understand this one. We sure do.
We recently heard from the single mom of two teenagers about what she refers to as her latest “dry spell.”
Her dating life has been up and (mostly) down since her divorce a few years ago.
Things didn’t work out with her last boyfriend after she found out that he’d been seeing someone else behind her back. She hasn’t had sex for a few months now. Wait a second, it has been more like six months. Or longer.
“I feel affection-starved,” she says. Her online dating efforts have fizzled. And no one is offering to fix her up.
And the batteries on her “buzzy” toy are running out. Yeah, you get it. Besides that, “Buzzy” is supposed to be a toy — not a way of life.
So, now what?…
Unfortunately, her friends haven’t exactly been empathetic. And they’re also giving lots of conflicting advice.
Her “crafty” girlfriend, for instance, tells her that getting more creative (as in hot glue crafts) is the best way to cope with a stalled sex life. This single mom doesn’t think gluing trinkets to pine cones is going to do it for her.
Another posse member is a gym rat who works out constantly. Our single mom envies her friend’s rock hard body. But feels like all that treadmill time is just her girl friend’s way of running away from her loneliness. On the other hand, maybe more physical activity could help scratch that dry spell itch?
Her BFF told her straight out that she needs to get out there. This friend is heavy into the bar scene. Sports bars do not intimidate her. She’s happy to make this single mom friend her “wing man.” This friend urges her to get a “F-buddy” or enjoy a one night stand. These options feel like a bit much. Or maybe this is just what she needs?
We all know more about this dilemma than we like to admit.
Is the answer filling her time with craft projects? Or getting serious at the gym?
Maybe she does need to get out there a bit past her comfort zone?
We’d love to know . . . What’s your strategy when a dry spell drags you down?
(Photo courtesy of Starbucks via Flickr)
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She definitely needs a ‘buddy.’ Unless she really wants another boyfriend, then it’s a terrible idea because she’s likely to confuse one for the other and nothing will end a friends with benefits relationship quicker than the lady falling for the man. -sigh-
Or she can take up reading erotica.
Or occupy her mind with pine cones and hot glue.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I agree with Teresa. Keep BOB (Battery operated boyfriend) for now. Get out more. Try to get out once a month with a friend or two for some drinks. Just plan to go out and have fun with your girlfriends. If you meet someone great. If not, you had a good time with friends.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Um, chocolate?
Just kidding. Get out there and get busy enjoying your life sans a man.
And if you happen to have a FWB candidate while waiting for Mr. Right then go for it!
Life is too short to not be gettin’ some!
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..My Man & Vodka
I had a long stretch about 2 years ago. I was complaining to a friend that either the men come in spades at random or there is nothing. When there is a lot of men around I refer to it as “man-a-thon”. My friend encouraged me to start my own Man-a-Thon instead of waiting for it to spontaneously occur again. So I did. I started by letting ALL my friends, family and co-workers know I was OPEN for business! I asked out guys on FB that had friended me, but I had never met. I flirted relentlessly. I made NO secret of my “man-a-thon” and I let everyone know that I wanted to date furiously all summer while my daughter was with her dad. Men love competition and they certainly love a challenge. I wasn’t having sex with any of them….that was the “prize” for winning after all.
I went on breakfast dates, coffee dates, happy hour dates (sometimes running to two before the happy hour ended), dinner dates, and after dinner dates. I created a spreadsheet that my company (all male except for me) ran on the flat screen with our daily sales numbers. The guys I worked with cheered me on and waited for the daily spreadsheet update.
After about 10 days I was exhausted. There were 33 men on my spreadsheet. I narrowed it down to 3 fairly quickly. I am still friends with most of these guys. I didn’t get a boyfriend out of it, but I had so much fun and people still stop me on the street from time to time and say “Hey your that Man-a-Thon girl!”
It brought me a lot of confidence and it was more entertaining than BOB or crafting!
I say we make our own luck. Get out there and stir it up!
I’ve been feeling a bit like the single mom in your post. The problem is, who has TIME to “get out there?” Everyone says, “take a class” or “join a gym”. I don’t know about you guys, but most of my days are long, and I’m crashing by 9. I did take a class, but the men in it were all over 50, and I HATE working out, so the gym is out. Online dating services were a bust for me, although I’m still on OK Cupid because I think it’s the most authentic one I’ve found so far, but still haven’t gotten a date from it. I’m not really looking for anyone right now (No TIME, right?), but I can tell you that BOB shouldn’t be a way of life and he just IS right now… : (
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Anna: thanks for the very honest — and real — comment. We get it. Here’s to BOB for now!
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
After my last break up (horribly, horribly disappointing, but glad to have found the big dark fault line before tying the knot!) I turned right back around and got on the dating sites. Not because I was trying to replace what I had lost, but because I knew that if I didn’t, I’d be in a tailspin for a long time. The mother of all dry spells, you could call it.
I have had some FANTASTIC adventures with perfectly lovely gentlemen who find me funny, charming, and good company.
The promise that I made myself before the first date was this: no decisions about relationships for at least four months.
Do you know, I have more self-awareness and self-confidence since I made myself that promise?
My self-imposed dry spell has been great for me. I am valued. And I’m having so much fun.
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
Hi:
I think everyone goes through dry spells and you are not alone (almost 2 years once for me!). There is way more to life than just the “mate” part of it so I’d do some activites that you’ve always wanted to try.
I painted – it was so relaxing for me and I loved it. I didn’t fall in love with the teacher or a classmate or anything like that; but I had ME time. Painting led to journaling – and then writing which makes me so happy. And I took cooking classes and spent more time with friends. All of that added up to me being happier and not “looking” with such intensity. Then, I decided to FINALLY try online dating – and it actually worked.
Focus on what makes you really happy inside (which no one else can give you).
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..When Your Kids Question Who You Date
I love the man-a-thon idea! Don’t think I could go quite that far, though. The thing that I’ve found that works the best for me is joining an organization that I’m interested in. I do historical re-creation and that automatically puts me in touch with a lot of folks who already have similar interests to mine. I’m not sitting around looking for someone but it keeps me busy and it keeps me “out there”. I still have dry spells, but with over 75k members worldwide, I just keep going to events and someday I’ll meet someone but I’m having fun in the meantime.
Depending on your interests and the ages of the kids, volunteering is a great way to expand your horizons and keep busy. If you love art, volunteering as a docent at a museum would be a great way to stay busy and meet lots of people. Austin has a lot of festivals that require lots of volunteers so that is a good way to stay busy. Habitat for Humanity has lots of opportunities from hospitality to swinging a hammer. Any type of activity that allows you to interact with folks is a winner in my book! I have friends who do cross-country endurance rides on their horses on the weekends
My issue with taking classes or going to the gym are that they are solitary activities. Yes, you are in a class with them but most of the class time is spent listening to the teacher and not interacting with the other students. Same with the gym. I don’t want to get chatted up while I’m all sweaty and trying to shave 10 seconds off my mile! And the girls who do come in looking to meet someone can be spotted a mile off.
Thanks, Rachel, for writing this awesome post! May I confess that I’m the dry spell single mom who wrote to Rachel — or maybe one of the many who wrote?! It feels odd to hear all of your posts and not write back in appreciation. I feel like I’m standing outside the door to the party peering in …
Thanks for the moral support. I’ve been divorced 3 years (4 years separated) and with an almost 1 year dry spell, I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one. This is definitely foreign territory. I did have a *magical moment* over the summer with an adorable man 20 years younger than me (I was away on business half way across the country). Thank goodness for the sweet memory!
I’m not sure I can do the FWB arrangement, only because intimacy for me includes a heart connection. On the other hand, if my FWB guy was very cute and had a big heart … oh, that sounds like a real boyfriend!
Like Anna, said, BOB shouldn’t be a way of life. I keep affirming that real connection with affection is right around the corner, while not clinging to the idea that I need it to be happy. (I don’t, I just need it to be touched!) My daughter is 17 … 17-year-old daughters mostly hug their moms when they’re in the mood and want the car keys. Fortunately, I do walk a lot. And dancing is my absolute saving grace.
I agree that getting out more is needed. This must be a call to go out of my comfort zone.
I’m going out dancing Friday night. Thanks to you all!
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
So glad that you chimed in @Betsy! We’re loving all the responses so far…. and be sure to tell us about dancing on Friday! Have fun!
Twitter @ honeyandlance
Well. You could try the Law of Attraction. I’m not really into that, but after reading a bunch of stuff on Steve Pavlina’s blog, I tried a bit of his techniques and it seemed to work. Or it was coincidental. But I got a new job and great new girlfriend out of it.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
We believe in the Law of Attraction big time! YEAH to your new girlfriend!
No Betsy, You are not the only one!
I’m 25 and i’m fast approaching the 2 and ahalf year mark of NOTHING! I was 2mths pregnant the last time with my daughters dad. Depressing! It’d be nice just to have a buffer in there so the last memory is not with him. I swear I live in “The city of no decent, single men”!
But also…when do you have any time even if someone did actually appear? Also I’m still breastfeeding at night which isn’t the most sexy thing! So its still BOB for me too…altho I’ve over that now too. Lucky its summer down here so I can take my cold showers. Hang in there.