Do you tell your kids the truth?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Whenever we hear about a parent who’s doing it all solo — without an ex in the picture — we get it. Both of our exes split town, and we’ve raised our kids alone since they were in diapers. Are you one of these parents, too?
So, when we recently read Formerly April Dawn’s poignant post at L.A. Moms about her ex landing in jail, we empathized. The first time her ex landed in jail, she writes, it was days before her daughters’ birthdays (they’re six days apart, and they were turning seven and four).
She wondered: Would she lie to her girls, or tell them the truth?
“After mulling it over, talking to friends, family and my own therapist (and wishing that someone had written a parenting book on the subject!),” she writes, “I opted for the truth.”
We’ve all had to face some hard truths in our lives, but when it comes to our kids, this can be so painful, can’t it? At Singlemommyhood, you’ve shared so honestly with us about when you told your kids you were getting divorced. You’ve told us how what you explained to your kids when the “other parent” broke promises.
April has chosen to be completely honest with her girls. This has us wondering:
How have you handled telling (or not) your kids painful truth about the “other parent”?
Have you opted for “truth” or have you felt that “truth” was too much for your kids to hear?
We’d feel honored to hear your story!
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(Photo courtesy of abardwell via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://jeanieinparadise.blogspot.com
My ex died as a result of a mental illness – my daughter got told very basic facts (that he had died) but not the method – well, not by me anyway, as I felt she was too young to deal with some facts that even adults have trouble handling.
Unfortunately, she had an uncle (father’s side) who didn’t agree with me and decided to tell her and my nephew the unvarnished truth.
My daughter was not hurt by the fact I hadn’t told her, but not being able to control all avenues of information meant that her knowledge was a surprise for me and something I had to deal with “on the fly”.
Each situation is different, obviously, but when there is some contact from “the other side” you have to know what is being said elsewhere.
jeanie´s last blog ..Two weeks and a day…
jeanie: Thanks for sharing a difficult and painful parenting experience. Needing to respond “on the fly” to such a HUGE issue must have been a terrible challenge. You handled it well – you’re a terrific mom!
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
My kids have asked questions. And typically I refer to her choices as being poor decisions, talked about root problems like insecurity, fear and doubt and how it can control people.
I’ve never really gone into details. There isn’t a need, but I have been honest about her choices and how it affect me.
Being honest should be there, as long as it constructive and respectful. The truth can be spoken without adding anything extra to the damage which they have already created.
Travis´s last blog ..Love Is Something That’s For Sure
Wow, this is timely for me! I literally just had to go face this. About 5 days prior to Christmas, my ex husband landed himself in jail. Vehicular charges and petty theft. My children are 4 and 9 now, they were infant and 5 when he left us after relapsing into drug addiction. My mantra has always been: keep it honest, keep it simple, keep it age appropriate. But here they were – waiting up at night, giggling in bed for Santa, so excited for Christmas. This was the first Christmas I agreed to bring them to my ex’s mom so the children could see him on Christmas eve. The past few years I practiced some avoidance of this by going out of town for Christmas.
I talked beforehand to my daughter’s Feeling Doctor (aka therapist). I told her I was ashamed to say it, but actually seriously considering a lie this time. What is the harm in saying “Daddy had to work out of town, he’s sorry but we’ll celebrate Christmas with him later in January”. Cowardly, I know, but I felt so weary of it and so personally filled with dread at hurting them again. I almost couldn’t bear it. She said she understood, and thought it was a legitimate option under the circumstances with Christmas looming. But … she also reminded me that I am my kids’ rock. And my daughter in particular struggles very much with trust. What if I opted for “Daddy’s working out of town” and someone spilled it? What if he called from the jail? Do I just build one untruth on the other? I couldn’t lie to them.
I told them very matter of fact and worked hard to keep my own emotions neutral. Act. As. If. I practiced beforehand and our conversation went smoothly. My daughter had a very stoic reaction for the first time – no drama, no tears. I felt almost wistful for the hysteria. I said Daddy is in jail and we will not see him this Christmas. He did something illegal. It was not violent, but adults have rules about driving licenses, and registration, and paperwork, and taking something that doesn’t belong to you even if it is small. Jail is a type of “Grown Up Time Out”. It is not prison, but it is also not fun – it is a punishment. No, it is not like on TV with dark bars in front and dogs with keys. I read on the topic, and anticipated some of the questions: Would he be lonely? Was it a dark or scary place? Would he have food, or be cold? Can we speak with him or visit him? I told them that ironically, county jail looks much like a school cafeteria with little rooms around it and that the worst part would be he cannot leave for a month, maybe two. But they can speak to him on the phone. No, we will not be visiting because he will be out in a few weeks.
In a perverse twist, my former mother in law insisted we still come on Christmas Eve, and please could I bring my new husband. So, he and I celebrated with my ex’s family by ourselves on Christmas Eve, with my kids. It was awkward but actually nice. After all, these people were my family for many, many years. I had an interesting talk with my kids about how our life is very nice these days. We feel sad about Daddy, but it’s not like a few years ago when Daddy’s up & down determined ours. Today our life is stable and we have our own things to look forward to, we’re detached and it feels good.
Twitter @ mskat
I used to lie about their father to my sons when they were little, but once they got old enough to handle the truth, it was not only easier, but the best thing that I ever did.
For holidays like Christmas or their birthdays, he would of course, forget and not send them anything at all, so I would go out and buy them presents and sign the gift tags and cards “Love Daddy” so they wouldn’t feel hurt or think that daddy didn’t love them.
But once they got old enough to know and handle the truth, I stopped doing that and when they asked, I told them the truth.
I told them that he didn’t send anything and that he never had, that I did so they wouldn’t feel bad about it.
Once they learned the truth and they talked to him a few months later, they asked him about it.
As he always has said to them about anything that costs money or even about just being their dad, he said to them again, “Your mom is telling the truth, I never sent you any presents or cards for your birthdays or Christmas because I needed the money for my band. I’m sorry that I’m such a shitty father, but my band is really important to me, someday I hope that you will understand that.”
They asked why he just never picked up the phone and called them, said happy birthday or Merry Christmas, said I love you, said anything, they would have liked that too.
He said that he was too busy playing with his hand and he forgot.
Once my sons heard these truths from him, our relationship improved.
For a long, long time, they blamed me for taking them away from their father, for not letting him see them, they finally understood that moving far away from him was my way or protecting them from being hurt any further.
Even when we lived just 8 blocks away from him and he had court ordered visitation, he canceled the visits or just never even bothered to show up or call.
I would say to tell the truth to your kids but only when you know that they are old enough to know and handle it.
They may be kids, but kids are able to deal with some of the hard truths of life, and then you won’t have to lie and come up with all kinds of excuses for the ex’s mistakes in their own life.
Kat´s last blog ..Good memories.
I’m dealing with this now since my kids’ mom moved in with her parents a few months ago and is trying to recover from financial difficulties that had a serious impact on my financial situation as I’ve had to pick up the pieces over the past couple of years to take care of things that she doesn’t. Her vision of life as we know it is quite a bit different than how almost everyone else sees it including our kids. They know she isn’t pulling her weight and my son is not only upset about it but he’s been calling her on it and she feels as though I’m turning them against her.
I have had to work a lot of extra hours just to keep my head above water and continue providing everything for them and I also remain committed to doing everything I can for them when it comes to homework, cooking, managing the house, etc. It’s exhausting but I’m giving all I have to make it work and they are benefiting with better grades and more stability.
Now I just have to find a way to balance reality with their need to have a relationship with their mother who does love them but is extremely self-centered and selfish. My friends and family already think I’m too nice to her and too forgiving. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that for kids their perception is their reality and adult rationalizations don’t cut it for them. They view the world through actions, follow-through or lack of, and consistency.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’ve been a 95% solo parent. It would’ve been easier had I been a 100% solo parent. The 5% has been – and continues to be – problematic, on all fronts.
Now that my kids are older (teens), they know a good deal. But some things they will never know. We opt for loving and protecting in ways that we see fit. And when we do try to reveal critical pieces of information – hopefully we do so calmly, and judiciously. The days I look at myself in the mirror and disrespect the woman who looks back are those days when I’ve let anger override better judgment.
It’s human, I know, but it’s hard to see kids hurt. And when we are the ones who hurt them with our words – whatever the reason – it’s hard to forget that feeling, those faces, and the resentment that is bound to occur.
Truth is always somewhat a matter of perception. And I’ve tried to allow for that. I hope I have. I hope I have been factual and fair. But I will never know if I have disclosed too much, or not enough.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Okay Parents – Use your words!
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I may not have personal experience with having “the other parent” in jail—but he is a compulsive liar. To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent. I refuse, just refuse to protect other parent. I have never covered for him nor have I told her the whole truth. I will say things like, “Well, your dad doesn’t call because he feels that he’s too busy to doing other things…” I may even gently remind her that she may or may not get a gift from him and not to be surprised if it doesn’t come. If I say, “Oh, your daddy loves you….he’s just busy…” That’s lying to the child and protecting him. That’s also telling my child that it’s acceptable behavior on his part. I believe in telling the child the behavior may be inappropriate without talking badly about the other parent and I also don’t believe it’s our responsibility to protect the parent or the child in that sense.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@ Amy: thanks for pointing out that fine line when it comes to being honest with your child: “To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent.”
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
My job as their Mother is to protect them first. 3 years ago I went to federal prison. I spent 29 days. My then husband and I made the decision NOT to tell the children the “truth” We felt it would cause too much stress and worry them. We talked with their pediatrician and our minister and friends. It was the right thing to do. Teling them this at their young ages without a point of reference about what prison is and what this means would have given them information they could not handle. There will come a time that they will be told. Now all my children are adopted and we have talked about that openly. But we do not talk about the circumstances of how they ended up in foster care. They are not old enough to put into context abuse, neglect, abandonment. You can’t put children in a position to process information that they don’t have a reference for. We must explore our motivations for telling children “truth” about a parent, or a situation. I think you can tell a child a version of a story that will allow them to love a parent and still understand why that parent isn’t there for their birthday, or Christmas. Shaming a parent in the eyes of child does not serve the child if that child is too young to really understand what is being shared. I think anything over 13-14 you can tell a child some truth.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY
Twitter @ beresourceful
As I’ve gotten older, I see my daughter’s father in a much different light. As a young single mom, I took everything that he did or did or did not do as a direct reflection of how much he loved his daughter. Now that I’m older, I realize that was not the case. Regretfully, I’m sure I said things around her that were based on perception. Today, anytime she feels like taking his actions personally, I give her a better way to look at the situation. Shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Tyra and the 6 o’clock news have good examples of adult children that were given large doses of “truth” before they could handle it. I’ve met a multitude of people that knew more about their parents and past, at an early age, than they were able to handle.
We have to analyze our motives behind whatever “truth” we share and, if possible, wait for some of the emotion to wear off so that we are actually telling the truth and not how we perceive the situation to be. When it comes to telling kids the truth, I think we should give them the information they need and cushion the information they want.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
@ lovebabz & Sabrina: If you read the whole post over at LA Moms, you’ll see that when he did call on their bdays and caller id showed “LA Prison,” I knew I’d done the right thing. My oldest was old enough to read that and ask me what it meant.
I agree with the commenters who mentioned that you can only tell as much truth as they can handle. The first time around, I explained that he’d taken money that wasn’t his. A couple of years later is when I told them about his drug addiction. And this year, both of my daughters have stated that they understand that his problems are his alone, and have nothing to do with them.
I used to worry a lot that when my oldest daughter was on her own, her dad would end up living on her couch and sponge off of her. I no longer worry about that. I think she is learning how to both love her dad, and accept who he is. And my youngest daughter has already learned how to do that because she doesn’t have any memory of him ever living with us.
It’s a long, hard road, and they still have a long way to go, but I’m content with where we are.
April´s last blog ..Ranting about homework
Twitter @ Zoeyjane
I always tell my daughter the truth, regardless of the subject matter. It might be a pared-down version, but it’s always the truth. For example, I won’t tell her that her dad didn’t come for a visit because he’s hung over because he’s an alcoholic and started drinking around 13, so as to cope with his parents’ divorce; I would say that her dad could come because he had gone out with his friends the night before, drank too much and now felt too sick to come.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On division
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
While I have no personal experience in this department, if it were to happen, I would opt to tell my children the truth. They deserve it. It’s not my job to protect my ex anymore (as harsh as that sounds) and if he were to break the law, then he would have to answer to his children to that, as well as to society, in my opinion.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Having Faith
Rachel Sarah says:
January 6, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@ Amy: thanks for pointing out that fine line when it comes to being honest with your child: “To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent.”
I don’t agree with this. I’m not into enabling, but I think this above is a very “ex-centric” point of view – as if your choices are determined by what effect they may have on an ex partner. My choices are determined by my children, and myself, and what’s best for us. I try to detach from whether it is or isn’t “protecting” or “not protecting” or “good” or “not good” for him. The underlying assumption with that mindset is your actions have any effect at all on the ex. What does my ex care for my protection? Protection from what?
While personally I have always opted for truth, a lie or omission is protecting the child, regardless of any effect on the other parent. I think the real crux of the issue is: Can you protect children from this? (no, probably not) and is it developmentally appropriate to shelter them from some of it, at a younger age – and how.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Gregpeckfan: Thanks for clarifying that this is not a black and white issue. We are very appreciative that you’ve written down what you think.
There are so many factors to think about, as you point out (your own story, your children’s stories, their ages…) And most importantly, thanks for reminding us that you, as the parent, do know what’s best.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I tell my sons facts, as in “sometimes your dad has trouble making good choices” and “dad didn’t email me about this weekend, so we will have to wait and see” I don’t tell him his father is selfish, which the man is, or that his father is abusive, a chronic liar, and refuses to pay his bills or childsupport, which are the reasons he doesn’t have a driver’s license or a decent place to live, but our son is 11 and is figuring these things out on his own.
I also have never refused to allow the boys to see their dad when he wanted to see them. I want my children to have a loving relationship with their dad, even if he isn’t perfect.
My son’s father left me when I told him that I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with either of us, and only saw my son a handful of times when we happened to run into him in our small town. Last year, he and a new girlfriend had a baby. The baby passed away at nine weeks old weighing less than it did at birth due to malnutrition. My son’s father and the girlfriend are both in jail right now for child neglect. My best friend’s boyfriend is my son’s uncle on his father’s side, and told my son that his daddy was “locked up” and “wears orange everyday.” My son is three and a half. So I had to have a talk with him. I told him that his daddy did something he shouldn’t have, and that jail was like a very long time-out for grown-ups. He seemed alright with this, but really… I don’t know how to handle this when he gets older. He already tells me that he “wants a daddy,” and now he knows that he has one, but he’s not here. I don’t know how he’s going to feel growing up with just a mom, but I do know that I hope and pray for the strength to NEVER lie to him.
I have 3 daughers, 7 year old twins and a 5 year old. I am honest with them about their father. He is an alcoholic. Two of them saw him (to some degree) physically attack me and break my nose 4 years ago. They still remember the blood, police and black eyes that I carried for two weeks. He has been in and out of their lives since then. At first I would say that Daddy was working etc. But after much thought and prayer I decided that it was worse for them to grow up not knowing that he was an alcoholic and in the future feel like I deceived them too. I simply said that Daddy is sick. He is an alcoholic. Which I described as something like an allergy to alcohol. It makes him make bad decisions. They have witnessed him drunk on visitations (which I have since stopped). I have explained that he needs to go to a doctor for help because he is sick. They can understand that concept. But still don’t quite understand why he doesn’t go to the doctor if he is sick. I tried my best to explain that part of being sick is that he doesn’t think he’s sick. It is so hard to try to put things in terms kids will understand. It is such a struggle to know what to say and how to say it. I just do what I think is the most honest with out giving lots of details. I feel for all of you that have to deal with telling your children about any of the difficult situations talked about here.
Rebecca: Thanks so much for telling your story. You’re a terrific mom …that’s the perfect way to explain to young kids alcoholism as a disease…We’re sorry for the physical and emotional pain you and your kids have suffered.