What’s best for my kids?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
We respect everyone’s privacy at Singlemommyhood. So, when we got this terse note from a single mom blogger — asking for help, but also requesting anonymity — we understood.
Although she writes about her private life on her blog, she keeps certain details to herself. But, right now, this mom is now facing some critical decisions. And she’s asking for your advice.
Here’s the situation:
This mom is separated from her husband and they have two young kids. Her ex has history of drug and alcohol abuse. He seemed to have these issues under control for several years. But little by little, he lost his sobriety to his dual addiction.
When she begged him to get help, he promised (0ver and over) that he would. He swore that he’d come to his senses. And she vowed to stand by him. She has kept that promise — until about nine months ago.
That’s because he started drinking again — and taking painkillers — when she was at work. Even worse, he was supposed to be watching the kids while he was using.
“I was at wits end,” she explains. “He was supposed to watch the kids while I was at work, but he couldn’t even stay sober enough.”
At first, she was in denial and took all the booze out of the house thinking that this would stop his binge drinking. But he just went out and bought more alcohol. Then, he started to sneak painkillers. He works nights, and he was drinking on the job, too. She found out that he was taking naps in the car, so that he was sober enough to drive home.
Understandably, she finally delivered the ultimatum: “Get sober or get out.”
Right now, her ex has a severe drug problem. Forget child support. He’s combative and hostile. Leaving the kids in his care is simply not an option.
Her ex decided that leaving was the better option. And now? This single mom is making a huge move.
“I plan to relocate cross country back to my hometown. My mom is going to move in with me. And I’ll have lots of extended family nearby for support.”
As part of this move, this single mom is getting her legal affairs in order. She’s filing for sole custody. (Right now they have nothing in writing.)
Here’s the issue that’s putting this single mom into a serious quandary:
Her ex has told her that he is more than willing to walk away from his kids. He has offered to terminate his parental rights if she agrees not to seek child support.
Some of her family and trusted friends are urging her to accept his offer. Others think she’s letting him off too easy. Still, others believe “terminating” her children’s father from his kids’ lives is a big mistake.
This single mom is confused and uncertain.
What option is in her kids’ best interests?
If you have ever considered terminating your ex’s parental rights, please do share.
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Photo provided by John Lombardo
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I won sole custody in my divorce because my ex had similar issues and knew better than to fight me…but he never requested to give up his parental rights! I think that’s a shame and this man is lower than low. It could be, however, that it’s just his state of mind at present, and down the road if/when he gets it together, he may change his mind.
I wouldn’t agree to it, mostly because how do you explain that conscious decision to your children? That daddy didn’t love you and didn’t want to be bothered?? I’d rather have sole custody and get on with my life, yet leave the rest to fate and see what happens rather than shut the door for good now and possibly make a big mistake should circumstances change later.
I also would not let him off the hook with child support. It’s his responsibility, and the kids deserve it. When my ex wasn’t seeing our daughter much I still let her know that daddy was sending money for her, which let her at least feel loved and cared for even though he wasn’t physically there. And depending on your financial situation, who couldn’t use extra funds? Use it as needed or save it for their future. It’s their right…
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
It may sound harsh but the truth is some parents just shouldn’t have any parental rights. There are some cases in which it is not at all in the child’s best interests. I dont know about this particular case but any man who is willing to give up his parental rights in order to not be held financially responsible for them is not a good father. And I dont believe for a minute he is offering this for the benefit of his children, just himself.
Hindsight being 20/20 I wish I had asked DBD to sign away his rights in lieu of recieving child support. For someone who doesn’t want to pay support at all, getting it can be a nightmare as well as very costly. DBD can withhold support all he wants and play his vindictive games yet I must give him full access to our daughter whenever he wishes (which thankfully, is not all that often). The law allows people like him to abuse it to avoid paying support for 9 months (or more)causing serious financial damage, but if I were to deny that man ONE visit the law would intervene on his behalf in a heartbeat. It’s SO not worth it.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Happy Easter!
Twitter @ elizabethfclark
I would give anything if my youngest daughter’s father would terminate his parental rights. He won’t do it though, because he knows that is his only control card in this situation. He wanted me to have an abortion when I told him I was pregnant. I obviously refused and he has been on a mission ever since to make our lives a living hell.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Wow, first let me say that I absolutely agree that she needs to get away from him and that moving to where there is family support is an excellent idea.
Now, about the dad. He isn’t thinking clearly now. He is fighting a terrible disease and I can only guess how much self loathing he is feeling now. I’m not saying you should start a poor ex club, I am pointing out that his desicion making capability is broken for now, but may not always me.
Here’s what I recommend, take it, leave it, its your business. Go ahead and get him to sign legal documentation that gives you sole custodial authoirity over the kids. But don’t let him sever parental rights. He may sober up and want to be in his kids lives at some point and while you and I may think he’s blown that chance, the kids deserve the right to close that door completely. If you want to let him off the hook for child support, for now, I understand that too. But be warned. I don’t know your financial situation, but if you need to apply for food stamps or state child care subsidies, that state will want his information and will pursue child support on the kids behalf. And I don’t think they recognize severed rights as an excuse to get out of that particular responsibility.
In the end, you know your and his situation better than we do. It’s a painful choice, but its yours to make.
alley´s last blog ..Grown up Easter Eggs
Twitter @ thecodegirl
I’m not sure which state you live in, but I know in my state (Iowa) it’s VERY difficult to terminate a parent’s rights. No matter how screwed up the parent, judges just don’t want to remove a parent from a child; basically legally bastardizing a child. But they will definitely limit visitation of a parent that puts their child’s safety at risk.
I’m with Legal Editor Mom, just go for sole custody. You can set it up so that your ex basically has NO visitation rights, or only supervised visitation. Then move to be closer to your family, and move on with your life.
I also wouldn’t let him off with no child support, but wouldn’t exactly count him to pay any either, in his current state of mind. I mean, you could set it up to be some token amount in order to set precedence for the future. In my experiences the courts won’t even LET you set it to $0.00, in Iowa there is a formula for child support and the courts pretty much default to that amount.
I don’t envy the place that you are in right now, but it sounds like you are making healthy and safe choices for you and your children. Stay strong, and take care of yourself. Good Luck!
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Getting full rights will be a time and money saver in the long run especially with a cross country move. I would expect this from an addict in his place. If he gets help and gets sober his outlook will probably change that he will want contact with the kids again. At this time in the game she isn’t going to be able to get anything like child support from him. Take what she can get and things in the future will play out as things mature.
Mike´s last blog ..Peeping into My Life
Twitter @ lisasworld1
Although we think this may be the best opiton due to the continuous viscious cycle–these children need their father and his support. He may not be able to carry on a productive relationship-but he needs to finacially support them and when he is sober again needs to maintatin a bit of a relationship with him. Finally let the children choose as adults as to weather or not they want to continue a relationship with him. He procreated these children he must live with the finacial responsibility– I deal with a “dead beat dad” and he is psychologically disturbed- but He must take resposibilty and not be given an out!! the children will bounce back!
Twitter @ addsarah
This is a great question. I would strongly recommend she consult with a lawyer, who can explain to her the legal situation she is in. Remember that custody is different from “parental rights” and there are different legal implications.
I applaud this mom for looking to do what is best for her and her kids. It is painful to be in a relationship where a person you care for is destroying himself. It’s painful to raise kids when the other parent doesn’t want to be involved. Mom needs lots of support, and to do what is best for her and her children.
sarah´s last blog ..Flight Plan to prep for dinner party
Twitter @ theslynch
first–severing parental rights does NOT mean severing financial responsibility. that varies by state. i can tell you that in my situation, my son’s father could sever parental rights any time he wanted to–but it would not change his legal financial responsibility to provide child support. in fact, in my case, the only way to sever my son’s father’s financial obligation is if my son was legally adopted by someone else. period.
if you wanted to play dirty, you could offer your ex the option to sever rights and then continue to seek child support…although i’m not sure how the court would look at that. and, i wouldn’t suggest it.
my feeling on this is that you MUST be careful about taking your children out of state. in my case, there was no issue because my son’s father and i were never married and my son’s father did not seek paternity. so, he had no legal right when we moved out of state. however, in your case, the court could look unfavorably at the fact that you moved them out of state–unless custody is already settled.
my advice–get a lawyer and ask that your ex pay your legal fees. it’s possible. talk to your lawyer about how to make that work. you’ll need all of the money you can get in order to make the move and get your kids settled. DBD won’t need it–from what i can tell–he’s happy living in his car.
my other piece of advice is–stop talking to your ex. it’s not your job to help him–it’s your job to make sure your kids are safe and happy and that you have your sanity. he is not your friend! make sure that you ONLY correspond with your ex in writing. do not take his phone calls or texts. your responses to him should be as LIMITED as possible. keep every email or letter he writes. let him say something dumb that you can use against him in court.
sound dirty? when it comes to your kids you’ve got two options–act nice and be stupid or act cold and be smart. remember, your ex is a grown man and can take care of yourself regardless of his addictions. your kids are children and are depending on you to keep their best interests in mind at all times.
let the legal system figure it out–and if your ex becomes irate–tell him: it’s not personal. it’s just business. because frankly–it IS. this is not about your feelings about the guy–this is about the day-to-day living of your children.
in terms of the child support–that’s not your money, baby. that’s your kids’ money. if you think that your kids are not entitled to the support–then drop it. but, if you do–then you pursue that ex like a mad dog on a bone. the way i see it–if you don’t provide for them–then who the heck will???
Twitter @ DeeshaPhilyaw
As others have said, she can certainly go for sole custody without terminating his rights. But I certainly wouldn’t advise her to agree to his request that she not seek child support. Down the line, everyone’s circumstances may change, and this leaves the door open for healing while also protecting the kids.
Deesha´s last blog ..“One Co-Parenting Mama’s Marriage 2.0″: Check out Deesha’s Latest at “The Faster Times”
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
My X is also a drug addict, and I left him with two girls, too, so this post brings back a lot of memories! I certainly agree that petitioning for sole legal custody is the only way to go. I sleep a lot better at night, knowing that no one can try to overturn my decisions for the girls. As for terminating parental rights, I offered the same thing to my X at one point. I really wish he’d taken it. In my X’s case, he will never change, he will never get better. He is almost 50, and he’s in jail again. I’m losing sleep currently because he might get out next week, and I know the girls will want to see him (it’s been nearly 2 years since they’ve seen him last), and I know it will be hard for them. I’ve been on this roller coaster for 7 years. He’ll call, he’ll see them a few times (under my supervision, or someone else’s), and then he’ll go back to the drugs and that lifestyle, he’ll disappear, my girls will worry, and they’ll actually feel relief when he’s locked up again, but also miss him. They have learned over the years that loving him doesn’t mean accepting everything about him. Frankly, they’re more emotionally mature than many adults I know, but that doesn’t make it okay. (Oh, and although he was ordered to pay child support, he never has. And most likely, never will.) I’m wondering what he’ll be like when he gets out and how much he’ll want to be involved. But the girls’ lives are so much better when he’s not around. My oldest in particular has a hard time not getting consumed by thoughts of her father whenever there’s a chance he might be back in their lives.
Having said all that, the reason that they do see him on occasion, the reason that we continue to go through this, is because I cannot be the one to keep them from their dad. That will just make them distrustful of me, and they absolutely need to know that they can trust at least one of their parents. So I deal with it because he was not willing to terminate his parental rights. But to this day, I wish he had.
Yes, anything can change. And one day, this mom’s ex might stay sober, and it will be time to re-think everything. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him having to do the work to earn the right to call himself a father. And this mom will not be in the position I am because if he requests it, she can honestly tell the children that it was his decision; that he knew he could not live up to the responsibility and was at least gracious enough to admit it, to allow them to be free of the constant wondering. This is not to say that terminating his rights will mean they will never hope for their dad. Of course they will. But it will be better than getting phone calls for a couple of weeks and then Dad dropping off the face of the Earth and then showing up again, only to disappear again (either behind bars or not).
Yes, if I could stop ONE child from going through what my children go through, I would say RUN to get that paperwork signed. Grieve, but move on, free of the constant heartache.
April´s last blog ..Drama, drama, drama
Twitter @ notthecar
Sole custody is all she needs to do. So frequently i see women who say i’ll just walk away or men who beg for parental rights to be terminated. its becasue they don’t want to pay child support! She think’s he’s doing her a favor but that’s exactly what terminating rights does, absolves you of child support and custody not just one. If you get his rights terminated and 10 years down the line he gets clean she’s completely lost any ability to ever recieve child support. Its much easier with his past addiction to go for sole custody and walk away. He will still be forced to pay. child support and visitation are not mutually exclusive. Don’t let anyone bargain one to get the other.
She also has to understand even if she wants it and the husband wants it a judge can still say know. I am firends with someone who this happened to. The judge said he would get better sooner or later which its better now but still not great.
Think of it this way if by some terrible stroke of luck her ex gets clean and holds down a successful job but she ends up on welfare and she gets his rights terminated, he will never have to give her or his children a dime legally.
@April, thanks again for sharing your own personal — and sometimes challenging — experiences with your own ex and your daughters. Hearing your story is very helpful for others: your openness means a lot.
Thank you @Stephanie and @Steph for pointing out that laws do differ from state to state, so it’s important to educate yourself when it comes to parenting rights and the law where you live.
Twitter @ theslynch
Sure Rachel! Look, we’re all in this together–all of the single parents. It’s so frustrating to figure it all out–especially because few single mothers PLAN to be single mothers (or fathers). Which means we usually have limited funds to acquire legal counsel in order to make sure we get what our children are due and get what we need. We really need a Suzie Orman of single parenting:-) If you know of one–point me in her direction:-)
Twitter @ http://www.askthesingleparent.com
If any of you have read my blog you will know that I have 100% legal and physical custody of my daughter due to my ex-husband’s alcoholism. However, I never for one second thought to keep my daughter away from her father, especially if he wanted to be one; my concern was for our child’s safety. And thus it was his choice to participate in her life or not. He cleaned up and has been sober for 4 years. He has become the best father he can be.
Furthermore, at this time, my ex has fallen on hard emotional and financial times. We argue more due to his irrational behavior. And even on a few occasions he’s threatened to leave the state. I believe he’s looking for my permission to go. I won’t give it. Again, it’s not my choice to make. That would be giving him the easy way out.
I urge the Mother to listen to her instincts and to remember that nothing is forever…I also urge the mother to ask herself, “Is child support more important than her childrens emotional well being? I”m pretty sure she’ll say no and thus her decision made. She will not be letting the father off easy as it was his choice to give up, period.
We and the mother’s friends and family should understand that as long as he’s using he’s already given up his parental rights. Does it really matter if he signs a piece of paper stipulating that fact, I think not.
Always,
Daniella
Daniella´s last blog ..Single Parenting | Belonging
I agree fully with Daniella. I am in a bit of a similar situation. Son’s father is an alcoholic/drug user, but has been sober for 4 years. I have sole custody. He has supervised visitation. My son has a positive, yet limited relationship with his dad. If he were to start using again, I have the authority to cut off visitation to protect my child. That said, I do not stand in the way of their relationship. In fact I go out of my way to facilitate it. My son deserves that.
Keep in mind that it is the children who have the right to be supported by and have a relationship with their parents. Not the other way around.
Twitter @ _katarena_
First of all, to this mother, I’m sorry that you are going through a situation like this. It’s a very tough decision to make & one that I know you aren’t making lightly. I don’t want to advise one way or another but I would like to share my story & hopefully you will find it helpful.
My son’s “father” and I were never married. I tried for years to get him to be a part of J’s life. I would drive 4 hours, pay for a hotel room & take J to visit. The only times his dad would come down were when his friends happened to be visiting the Coast & he’d stop in for a short visit. He’s racked up so many DWIs that I have no idea how he has managed to stay out of jail. He lives a life that is completely selfish & shows absolutely no interest in my son. His occasional “drunk dials” were always about me & him, and how he missed me. Never called J, never tried to get better. He’s currently living with friends (at age 30) working in bars because it suits his lifestyle. It breaks my heart that he takes no interest in my son, but J honestly isn’t bothered by the situation. Last summer I went to court to take sole custody of J & Nick signed his rights over, no questions asked. He’s still required to pay the back child support that he owes but I have seen little of that and I’ve done this on my own since I was 3 months pregnant so the lack of money doesn’t bother me.
My main reasons for doing this were to ensure that if something were to happen to my son that he would be placed in the care of someone of my choosing. It scared me to think that if something were to happen to me that J would be placed in the care of someone who couldn’t even care for himself. I certainly wouldn’t want my parent’s (who are also his Godparents) to have to battle it out in court. And I especially wouldn’t want J placed in foster care while this was going on. I feel like I made the best decision possible for J and for me. Of course we always want to put our children’s happiness first but we also have to think about their future happiness. I know that for a while J didn’t understand why he didn’t have a dad, but he has so much family that adores him that he has adjusted just fine. Even at three and a half. The other day one of his friends from daycare asked him why he didn’t have a dad and J explained to her that every family is different and that our family was a Mommy & a Joshie and that we are happy that way.
It sounds like this woman has a fabulous family as a support system and I encourage her to lean on them. And remember the legal aspects of this are to make sure that your children are always well taken care of. If J’s father straightens up & takes an interest, I will wait until J is old enough to decide if he wants him to be a part of his life & I will help him to foster that relationship the best that I can.
To the writer of this problem, please feel free to email me if you want to chat or have any questions about the process. I wish I’d had someone who understood what I was going through. It’s not easy, even when it’s what’s best. If you need anything please contact me at katarenasmusings at gmail dot com
Best of luck to you.
Kate´s last blog ..Jumping in: about giving "us" a chance and seeing where it leads.
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
I terminated my ex husbands rights 4 years ago. It was the best $10,000 I ever spent in my life. I have never, even for a second doubted that I made the right choice. Not only was he a drug addicted he-whore with an extensive gangsta rap sheet. When we divorced..he left the state (thinking I couldn’t divorce him if he didnt sign the papers…silly man) and I relocated to a new city because my ‘husband’ had slept with most of the women in the town we lived. And if he didn’t bone em he was smoking meth with em. About a year and a half after we divorced he called me out of the blue…tells me hes in deep shit with some gang and he needs to cut all ties with me & the PIT. It was a miracle! I thought it would be simple…he wants this…lets do it! I called an attorney who was a dick. Then I called a different attorney and she agreed to take my case and informed me that this wasnt going to be easy. She was right. Apparently, just because you are a convicted felon, drug addict, whore who tried to kill your wife and once even kidnapped the dog does NOT mean that you should stay away from children-even your own. Apparently–some people INSIST that ‘dad’ be involved. Well guess what…if you’re too fucking high to care for your child adequately then get the fuck out. If my daycare provider were high I’d have her arrested. Why is that not an option for ‘dads’? Just because he donated his DNA does not mean its in the childs best intrest he donate his addictions and abuse to his child. Theres more to being a “dad” than sperm. Legally, I have proof of that now:)
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..It’s different this year…..
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com/2010/04/05/chapter-9final-in-the-book-of-meth/
this is the post about my trip to court….good times
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..It’s different this year…..
Twitter @ Zoeyjane
I also have sole custody – my ex agreed to it out of court on the basis that we share guardianship (life-altering decisions) and file our agreement out of court. I think he knew that he’d have to provide a lot of evidence to disprove my claims that he was an active alcoholic pothead with anxiety and depression issues. And he would need a lawyer to do so, which he couldn’t afford.
Nonetheless, we came to an agreement which gave me sole custody, as well as provided him with scheduled daytime visits on the weekend, gave a sobriety requirement for his visits and specified what support would be paid, when.
Because he’s broken the sobriety requirement so many times, and his visits with our daughter were starting to take on a “stare at the clock until it’s drinking time” facet, during which he’d sometimes completely ignore her requests for attention due to his own anxiety or sober depression, I have recently discontinued the visits. This is not particularly legal, as legal aide informed me, but given the documentation I have of his drinking, it’s unlikely that a judge would frown too much at me.
My point in relating this is to say: I don’t have the ability to terminate parental rights (nor would I want to), because as her father, he should and will always have a right to see her, as long as it’s what’s healthy for her. The dad in this post may get sober and regret his life thus far, and not want to miss another second with his children. He may find employment and be able to pay child support (as he should – it’s the kid’s money, not the mom’s). You never know what might happen.
But, in addition to sole custody, it might be a good idea for the mother to obtain ‘permission’ in writing from the dad to move. Just so that all of the bases are covered.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On this week in (my) history
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Take it and RUN before he changes his mind! My ex won’t admit to anything and I cannot prove his addictions in court…and he refuses to disappear. So I am left with making sure my 8 year old knows what to do “if”…seriously – take it and GO. The money is.not.worth.it.
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Complete Walt Disney World 2010: The Definitive Disney Handbook by Julie and Mike Neal (Book Review)
Twitter @ andthedamnkids
There’s been a lot of talk about not giving up child support because that would be letting him off easy. Is child support supposed to be a punishment to the father? Paying child support does not equal love of a child. And you can have it court ordered all you want, that doesn’t mean you will get it. Child support should never, ever be counted on. That was the one piece of advice I gave a friend when she was thinking about leaving her husband. She didn’t take my advice. She was sure he wouldn’t leave his $100k a year job so she got an apartment that she would not be able to afford on her salary alone. Guess what, he quit his job and moved to Georgia. She hasn’t seen a dime in about a year now. She has been fighting and fighting in court but nothing comes of it. Her attorney was supposed to have her fees paid by the father. Well, if he’s can’t pay child support, how will he pay an attorney?? If they can’t force him to pay child support, how will they force him to pay an attorney?? She just had to pay $4k to the attorney.
Terminating his rights doesn’t mean she has to keep him away from his children forever. If he gets himself cleaned up, she can then let him in on her terms. She’s knows what is best for her kids and she can do what is best for them in the future. Terminating his rights can always be undone but not terminating them leaves him the option to come and go as he pleases.
Semi-Hippie Solo Mama´s last blog ..To date or not to date….that is no longer the question
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
From my POV, how easy is this for her?! She would well benefit from his offer. And this is for now. Believe it or not, sometimes people change. And it is with that in mind, that she maintain her integrity, and actions with her child, in moving forward. Child support and being a parent do not equate. I did a move similar to what this mother is choosing. I made the offer of giving up parental rights, with support still intact. He, however, choose not to pay. Fast forward now 15 years, and he is slowly starting to ebb back into the kids lives. And I am okay with that. When it comes down to it, spewing bitterness and legalities? Kids don’t care, nor should they. Not in the day to day, slice of life of kids. Either the parent is around or not, and with the intact parent’s support, they adjust. A stable, comfortable, healthy environment is what works, and has quietly been proven time and time again. Kids grow up into adults. Giving our kids the ability to decide how to feel about the parent who is not around, when they are emotionally able to, is a choice that is never regretted.
She is making a good choice for herself, and should take his offer, it is a wise move for her. He is being clear, open and honest, and she knows where she will stand. She is a fortunate woman. The money will come, and while it is a sad situation, it is the best for all concerned.
Jane´s last blog ..Easter
My husband has sole custody, with his exgf having 6 hour day visits twice a month. She also has dual addictions, and has recently relasped. We have spent so much money trying to protect the kids from her addictions. Even with her limited access to the kids she’s still managed to subject the kids to alcohol addiction, resulting in my one stepkid sipping vodka from her glass (he thought he it was water).
Hard decision. Wishing her the best !
Twitter @ sincemydivorce
I would definitely seek sole custody but I wouldn’t be so sure about giving up the child support. One lady I interviewed for my blog finally took her ex to court for back child support because it was money owed to her children and it would help them in college.
I also think this is a legal question – even if you agree to waive child support it may not be legally binding. And then that would get complicated moving across country.
Aside from legal I would consider agreeing to waive it for the next x years – it would give you the chance to a fresh start and he might be in a completely different position in a few years time.
Mandy´s last blog ..Free to be your authentic self after divorce
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I couldn’t get this post out of my mind, and had to write my own on the subject. It should be my last blog below, but just in case: http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2010/04/sideways-world-of-our-own.html
April´s last blog ..A Sideways world of our own
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
Idk maybe it’s just me and my attitude but am I the only who thinks coming back into the childs life 8 or 9 yrs down the road a problem? I get that ppl change and I support anyone who has the strength to do so…..however, before I terminated mr meth’s rights I thought “ok cc…but what IF he does clean up someday?” 2 problems with that….first, I knew in my heart he was never coming back from this addiction and second, if he did clean up in oh idk 9 yrs….did I really want him prancing back into my childs life? The child Ive been busting my ass to raise…ON MY OWN and NOW when you’re ready to be a dad you can?! I dont fuckin think so. I didnt get the option to be a mom when I was ready too. I had a LIFE growing inside me. I’ve been a mother since day fucking one.
I gave mr meth more than plenty of opportunites to clean up. He CHOSE not too. He chose his drugs over his wife & child. You’d have to do a hell of a lot more than pay me child support and clean up….after he made the choice-for the drugs….I made my choice–for my child.
It’s one choice in my life I’ve never doubted was right.
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..It’s different this year…..
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
As a Parent we must do what is in the best interest of the child(ren). Terminating parental rights may just be a ploy and an attempt to emotionally blackmail you as you think you are overwhelmed and desperate. Keep a cool head. Hire the best attorney you can. Take care of your legal affairs. Do not allow him or anyone to pull you out of your grace. You are strong, wise and smart. Your children need a mother who can advocate the best course of action for all of you. Your husband has a problem. He is not the the first person , and will not be the last person who has succumbed to the demons of drugs and alcohol…. Pray for him, but keep your children safe.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..THE NEXT TOP SPIRITUAL AUTHOR: ME…VOTE FOR ME!
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
He has chosen to abandon his family and have his rights taken away from him.
In all the heartache, he is walking away. And is willing to give it up to save a few bucks a month. He is done. So far gone, it’s not even funny how far gone he is. Very sad to hear.
This is hard, but think of it this way. If and when you decide to find the man who will love you and your kids. You will have a great moment, when he decides he wants to adopt them. It will be little effort, and will be good.
Very tough all around. But others are wanting to keep a door open that even he does not want… You are listening to your friends and family. When the actual person who gets to make the decision has clearly stated what he wants…
No kids… if … no child support.
Unless you want or need his money, with the agreement that he gets to see the kids, he has clearly said, he is done.
I’m sorry.
Travis´s last blog ..Insomniacs Parental Guide To A Cheaters Mea Culpa
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Hello fellow single parents,
I am the single mom in this post. And I really appreciate everything that has been said, and everyone’s input. It’s been extremely helpful, although a bit overwhelming.
SO, I went against my usual grain, and wrote a blog about my decision. I have given my ex the last chance to decide what he wants. I am offering the out of terminating his parental rights, or I am applying for sole legal custody.
http://dearestme-singlemom.blogspot.com/2010/04/custody-on-horizon.html
Again, thank you so much. =)
Jenni´s last blog ..Custody On The Horizon
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Their father has decided that he does not want to terminate his rights. So I am going to attempt to file for sole legal custody – this way I can make all major decisions, including visitation, without his approval. I have also informed him that I will be asking the state of Virginia to pursue further action, as far as getting child support.
Jenni´s last blog ..Custody On The Horizon
Twitter @ http://katwilder.com/
Danielle is right.
Money really isn’t the only issue here; no matter what he says and does, he is the father of their kids.
How do the kids feel about it?
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Wow. and wow.
Jenni, kudos to you for writing about this.
As far as PEOPLE CHANGING: everyone “Choose” the person who is their kid’s other parent. Whether any decided actively to get pregnant or not, when you have sex with someone, there is that possibility, and as adults you are responsible. Clearly, you changed, with your the choice you made with your kids other parent. While many have the “what was I thinking” syndrome going on, relating to the “other” parent, realize this can also occur with the other inactive parent. So, the way there is a change within us and how we feel today, it can and often does occur within the other parent. Maybe not on your timetable, nor to make your life any easier, but it often happens. Therefore, those who claim they don’t want anything to do with their kids lives, will often change their minds, in years to come.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent walking into a kid’s life years down the road. It is up to the child, how they are going to react; it has nothing to do with us, or how we behaved or what we did to raise our child. We have no right to think for our children years down the road. How we treat our ex, should be between the adults. And our kids should remain in a safe, healthy, stable environment. That is our job as custodial parents. As far as asking a young child, whether they want to see their other parent or not, I don’t believe that is healthy for the child. I do believe, however, that the door should be left open, legally or not, and that the other parent should not be trashed. Addicts will or will not become clean, but, in the off chance that they do, which most eventually do, how you talk and treat this other parent is going to dictate your child’s emotional makeup. Not only with the other parent, but with future relationships. And that is learned by the custodial parent. Not the courts, not the non custodial parent, not the extended family.
What most don’t realize is, the ex is an ex for a reason. Be grateful for the person who left, because if they didn’t, your life would be a worse hell than what you are living now. And keep the drama where it belongs, with the grownups.
There will come a day, in the future, where your kid/s will look to you, and want to know their story, and how they came to be, and what happened. The courts and the lawyers will not be there…how will you tell the story? S/he done me wrong, and that dictated the rest of your life, or, there was a moment in time, when all was right with the world, you came to be, and then things changed, life happened and we moved on, with your best interest at heart.
Think about it.
Jane´s last blog ..Easter
Jenni, I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping communication open with your ex. In a perfect scenario the girls would grow up having a healthy and loving relationship with their father. And, maybe some day that will be their reality. But, addictions are tough to overcome, and relapses are extremely common. There isn’t a cure for drug/alcohol addictions, so do everything in your power to protect your girls from their father’s addictions.
My husbands exgf subjected her kids to her dual addictions and her numerous boyfriends that were wanted felons, she had drug parties when the kids were with her, slept with different men when the children were with her and she even gave the kids alcohol when they were very young. The kids witnessing this unhealthy and inappropriate behavior was not in the children’s best interests. Drug addicts and alcoholics don’t make good choices for themselves, and they certainly shouldn’t be trusted to make good decisions for their children.
Try to support the girls having a relationship with their father, and keep them safe. Keeping them safe is the most important priority.
Sometimes in extreme cases, it’s best for all contact to be removed, or extremely limited. When the kids reach the age of majority they can seek out the other parent, and decide for themselves if they want to have any kind of relationship with the other parent.
In our situation, the mother refused to submit to random drug testing to have contact with the kids. The Judge ordered mom to submit to random drug testing for year, and mother refused to do so. The mom opted out of the kids lives for three years. After three years of her choosing to not see the children, I petitioned to adopt the kids, since I have been raising the kids since they were babies (they’re multiples). Me petiontioning to adopt the kids prompted the mom to finally submit to random drug testing.
The kids were extremely angry their mother opted out of seeing them for three years, and angry she decided to come back into their lives, when they had enjoyed living a drama-free life for three years. We took them to lots of counseling sessions to help them process their anger at their mom. It was a nightmare for them and us.
There are still lots of issues with mom acting inappropriate around the kid (mooning the kids, relapsing again, hitting her boyfriend infront of them, etcetcetc).
Unfortunately one size does not fit all.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Kat: My kids miss having their dad around. They haven’t seen him since the beginning of March [his decision, not mine]. But while they miss him, since he has been MIA, you can see that they feel more secure.
While going to a museum one day, my oldest blantantly said, “I hope Daddy isn’t there. I don’t want him to ruin our day.” This is from a 5-year-old.
My 5-year-old has also said things like, “Daddy isn’t nice to Mommy, and he takes all our money.” 1.) No, he’s not nice to me. While I’m civil to him, he is very hostile towards me, because I don’t cave into his wants and pity parties. 2.) I think “taking all our money” has to do with the fact, that because I don’t get support from him, I never have any money to indulge in extra things.. they get a lot of, “Mommy doesn’t have money for that today,” when they ask for things.
While they miss their dad, I feel that both of my girls, realize how toxic he is to our lives.
Jenni´s last blog ..Custody On The Horizon
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
And I would like to just make one thing clear: I am not trying to remove him from their lives.
When my ex is well, he is an amazing father.
When my ex isn’t well, his kids are not his top priority. The drugs and partying wherever he can, are his top priority. And when I talk about drugs, I’m not just talking about painkillers. I’m talking about cocaine, e-pills, shrooms, and whatever else he can get his hands on. Which is why I am taking this so seriously.
When he is not well, his visits with our girls consist of them going to a house, where he rents a ROOM. They are confined to that room and the kitchen. They have slept over a handful of times, and it’s the same story every time, “Daddy fell asleep before we did.” So they basically watch TV and put themselves to bed. They are 4 and 5 years old!
What I want as of now, is for him to not be involved in their lives. Because they are not a priority, and he is not a fun dad to be around. He is not a SAFE dad to be around.
When/IF my ex gets well, he can be involved in his children’s lives again. When they have a well father, that makes them a priority in his life, then I will gladly let him back in with open arms.. and pray that he wont disappoint them again.
Jenni´s last blog ..Custody On The Horizon
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
You know what Jenni…..GOOD for you! While we would all like our sperm donors to be fathers, the fact remains that some addictions are just too unsafe to be around. There is NOTHING wrong with walking away (I fucking ran) from something/someone who is clearly so toxic even your children pick up it. Its a kick in the teeth to hear your babies say things like “daddys never nice to mommy”….Im so sorry…I KNOW that fuckin hurts…
You gave your ex the option. It’s his call now. If he blows it….too fucking bad. If/when he sobers up he can take YOU back to court and fight for his kids.
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..It’s different this year…..
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
The ex has decided to fight for joint custody.. to the point, that he threatening to cause complications in my plans to move to California. Apparently his mother flipped the bill for a consult with a lawyer this past weekend.
http://dearestme-singlemom.blogspot.com/2010/04/his-decision.html
Jenni´s last blog ..His Decision
Twitter @ DeeshaPhilyaw
Hi, Jenni…I read your blog, and I’m glad you’re not daunted by this turn of events. Also, as you probably know, paying for a consult (usually free or 1 hour at the lawyer’s rate) is very different from paying the retainer, maintaining the minimum trust balance, and paying for ongoing services. He (and his mother) may not realize how much money and time they’re signing up for by pursuing this; as more time passes, his claim of sobriety will be tested. Not that anyone wishes for him to fall off the wagon, but your children deserve no less than careful (not hasty) consideration of his well-being.
Deesha´s last blog ..Hey, Co-Parents! Wanna Whoop Some Ash?
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Good morning, Jenni. Just in case, there ends up being good legal counsel, be careful of what you blog. Lawyers even use social networking sites these days.
My first recommendation is to get some outside counseling. If finances are an issue, you can find low cost good counseling, that work on a sliding scale. You need to keep your head stable, and deal with the facts of now, not the potential.
I would continue with your plans, since he is in early recovery. Once he is sober and clean for one year, and testing proves out, then let him know you will revisit custody arrangements. Your kids are young, you can afford the time. However, the life of an addict is tenuous at best, and they are slippery manipulators.
This is not about you, or him, it is about the mental, emotional and physical health of your very young children. It is your job, to provide a safe and stable loving environment. After a year, you can work out court appt’d visits, that he will have to share cost with.
Take your time, breathe, baby steps, move forward, and know you can do this.
He will be in their lives, it is just a question of when.
You have the power of many minds, hearts and souls behind you.
Use it.
Jane´s last blog ..Do you parent your friends?
Twitter @ http://voluntaryterminationofparentalrights.blogspot.com/
Going through this is a complete nightmare.