What role will this dad play in his baby’s life?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Dads, Tips & Advice
We’re wondering how many of you became single parents when your kids were infants?
Or even before your baby was born?
Rachel at Single Mom Seeking is one of these “early” single moms. How about you?
We do know that many of you can relate to the dilemma this 25-year-old mom-to-be shared with us this week.
When she and her boyfriend conceived their child, they imagined a life together. Forever. In the meantime, he lost his job and started to flip out. One day, he says that he can’t wait to be a father. The next, he’s talking about taking off for Thailand “to find myself.” In the meantime, she has moved back in with her parents.
Now, she’s eight months pregnant — and understandably confused, disappointed, and hurt by his wavering attitude toward fatherhood.
What role will her child’s father play in their baby’s life?
If only she could know this ahead of time before their baby arrives. It’s not like she hasn’t tried to sit down with him and talk. But he keeps stalling and saying, “We’ll figure this all out when the time comes.”
Her parents have encouraged her NOT to push any talk about marriage on him. Still, if there’s any way that they might have a good partnership — for their child — she’s open to cooperative co-parenting.
She has read at Singlemommyhood how legal and emotional issues can complicate your life. After hearing that in all states, the biological father’s rights are the same — whether or not you are married — she says, “Clearly, I have a lot of homework to do.”
For starters, she’s thinking about talking to a lawyer. Her parents have even offered to paying for a legal consultation. She wants the father’s role defined before the baby is born. But how?
If the father says that he doesn’t want to be involved, she’d rather find this out NOW — and get a custody and parenting time agreement signed. There are also child support and health insurance issues to resolve.
Of course, she has heard stories about fathers who have disappeared and then shown up years later – usually after becoming jealous of a new relationship or finding that life away hasn’t worked out for the best — and then demand custody.
Here’s what this pregnant single-mom-to be is trying to figure out:
Should she insist that role of the baby’s father be spelled out NOW?
What actions should she take NOW as her first steps toward responsible singlemommyhood?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one.
(Photo courtesy of danalogan photography via Flickr)
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Twitter @ Kellisue
I don’t comment often. But when I do I like to think it is read and taken to heart. DO WHAT YOU NEED NOW. LEGALLY. I am having a similar problem but my daughter is 20 mons old & my exhusband walked out on me when I was 13wks pregnant when he lost his job and showed back up the day she was born. He was around 3 or 4 times till she was 8 mons old & hasn’t seen her since. Now he is trying to show back up, When I know he will disappear again. GET A LAWYER. GET IT IN WRITING. DO IT BEFORE YOUR BABY IS BORN. SAVE YOURSELF & YOUR BABY THE HEARTACHE NOW. Your b/f sounds a lot like my exhusband, who wanted a baby so bad and then hightailed it one day while I was at work, 13wks along. You don’t need the stress with a new baby. If your parents are offering to help pay for the legal council take their help. Im fighting my exnow, I got into grad school in a different state and he is trying to keep me in state even though he hasn’t seen MY daughter in over a yr. My daughter thinks my fiancee who has been in her life since she was 4 mons is daddy and I think that irks my exhusband but still, like I said, GET IT IN BLACK & WHITE. Feel free to email me if you would like to talk- come to myblog for my email address.
Kelli S.´s last blog .."Christmas Crazies"
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
The thing is…even if it is “defined” – it may not happen that way. Attempting to define relationships is very difficult, because people will continue to act however they want. Defining this relationship may or may not fix anything. I can see seeking legal definition of the father’s relationship with the child for your own legal protection, but if you have unrealistic expectations that it will “make someone be a good dad” or prevent him from going to Thailand to find himself – then you will just drive yourself crazy.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Twitter @ YOC8040
My marriage ended when I was 4mos pregnant with my ex’s role in doubt due to the fact that he had a mental breakdown. The bad news- legally, there is absolutely nothing you can do until the baby is born. It could be different in your state I guess, but in my state the baby is not a person and is therefore not governed by family court or any agreement until it exists. Anything signed prior to the birth won’t hold up. My lawyer said he wouldn’t put anything in writing as a policy, since an invalid agreement is worse than no agreement.
Two ways you can go- if you want the father to have a role- if he’s relatively safe and stable and you wouldn’t worry about leaving your baby with him for a weekend- have the baby, put his name on the birth certificate, then work on child support and visitation through an attorney. If he’s not stable- if his recent breakdown is indicative of deeper mental ills for example- don’t put his name on the birth certificate. Keep your child safe.
I’m definitely not saying you should obstruct a relationship if your ex is safe and able to participate as a father- your child will need his or her dad and you’ll want the support. But because mine went insane in a very literal way (he was committed twice for over 4 months by probate court judges), I just wanted to put it out there.
Cat´s last blog ..Friday Fragments
Twitter @ aljolynn
All of this advice is wise and helpful. @Cat makes a good point – if this the father is usually a safe and reliable fellow then continue to make efforts on “defining” a role. If he is not then cut loose and get gone; don’t put his name on the birth certificate and cease communication. It will be for the benefit of your peace of mind and your baby’s overall well-being.
If you do decide to “cut him out” then make sure you take all of the legal steps necessary. Just because his name isn’t on the birth certificate doesn’t mean he can’t come back in 10 years and say, “I want a paternity test” and not gain custody. Go to social services and fill out the necessary paper work stating that he will not have any legal rights over your child EVER. It’s very important to do your homework and take action.
Remember that you’re not alone even though you feel alone – you’re not.
Best wishes.
Restless Mama´s last blog ..Check out my brother on KHON TV!!!
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
Boy can I relate !!! When I first found out I was pregnant, I told my BF. He, at first, said he would pay for an abortion. When I told him that I was having the baby, he told me he would support that decision and would “be there” for us. When I was 5 months pregnant, he met his now wife. He split immediately. I don’t think he was ready at all to be a parent- even though I was 19, he was 28. For some reason my instinct kicked in. I went back to school, completed college, got a great job and make preparations for a good like with our child. None one asked me if I was ready to be a parent. I was not able to get a pass on being a parent, only to walk in years later ready to be the parent my child needed at birth. That is one thing that makes me so mad with men who bail on their children. If I wanted to do that, say when my 4 month old was crying inconsolably and I was going off of 3 hours of sleep, exhausted- lets say at that point I decided I didnt want to be a parent for the next year or two- would I have that option??? NO !! If I decided to give my child to someone else to raise for a year or two or ten, I would not have any right to walk back into my child’s life. Why do these men have that option. My son’s father has only seen him when we have ran into each other once or twice (at the most). My son, who is now 13, is the spitting image of his father. My son has no relationship with his father. I decided long ago (actually when I was pregnant) I would do whatever I needed to do to provide for my son without going to court. I was not going to have a court involved, unless my ex pursued it. I would never keep my son from his father- his father has chosen not to be involved, directly or indirectly, he has made no contact. In Louisiana, after two years, you can find for parental rights to be involuntarily terminated based on abandonment. I chose not to do this because I did not want to take my ex’s rights away. I want him to have a relationship with my son, if he ever chooses to.
Listen to your parents and do not push for anything to do with marriage (or even living together at this point). Prepare for the baby as if you are a 100% single mom, have the baby and see how he is. Some men, when their child is born, have this paternal switch that kicks in and they want to protect and provide for, others don’t. Nothing says you can not get married when your child is 3 and you are 100% sure of your decision. At that point you will see what kind of a family man he really is through actions, not just words. I know it is hard to not want to “All American Family” especially with all the emotions that go along with being pregnant, but don’t succumb to the thought of “perfect” for the baby. The baby will be MUCH better off with you as a healthy, stable single mama than going back and forth with the dad. Raising a baby is hard work and has its ups and downs- don’t add to it by going back and forth with the dad.
The only way to be sure that he will not come back years from now is to have him terminate his parental rights. As far as making him sit down and spell out for you what he wants and what role he plans to take with his child- just remember that his word means nothing- he can change his mind and be gone. Be prepared to provide for you and your child, regardless of what he says he plans or intends to do.
I would definitely consult with an attorney immediately to see what your options are. Each state is different with timing/what must be done, etc. Even if he is opposed to terminating his right, have something drawn up stating that you are the domiciliary parent- all decisions are your call and you do not need to consult with him.
Even if you terminate his parental rights, you can still decided to let him have a relationship with your child. Trust me, if he wants to be involved, he will- and I bet you can revoke terminating him rights down the road, if he proves himself. (When you meet with an attorney – ask them if you can reinstate his rights.)
This is close to my heart. My heart aches for moms going through this. I remember being 19, single and thinking there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. Of course the only right decision is the one your make, so don’t second guess any decision you make.
Congrats on your Baby !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Yes, find out now so you can plan and make arrangements. Get in writing what you can, and I don’t think getting legal advice is a bad move either. If it changes, fine, you can deal with it, but NOT knowing anything would not be the best way to walk into this.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Cat: thank you for sharing your very honest, real experience here.
@StudentMama: oh, yes, defining a relationship isn’t necessarily simple, is it? So true!
@Kelli: We appreciate your very direct advice, stemming from your own life. Thanks. Here’s to grad school!
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
I am so sorry to hear this. My marriage fell apart when I was pregnant..it’s horrible, especially because it’s supposed to be one of the best times of your life.
With the benefit of hindsight, I would advise that you go see a lawyer and understand your options. You mention laws in different states; if you are mobile, it’s worth getting educated about laws in different states as some do favor single moms more. Based on your story, I would say you should live near your folks.
I agree with your parents – keep the “baby” discussion separate from a “marriage” discussion…and though you may wish he could have both discussions right now, he can’t. So, don’t press either one. Plan your life and your wonderful baby’s life without this man. If he gets it together, that’s wonderful. If not, I know you can do it, and you can be happy. Don’t wait for him to define your life – you can do it and it’s better if you do.
It took me many years to regain a sense of myself, but I did. And I am definitely not Superwoman. That’s why I know you can too.
- Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..When Your Kids Question Who You Date
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
In truth we don’t have enough information to advice you completely but let me give you some OTHER thoughts from the dad’s point of view IF he has potential.
Read Mocha Dad’s Round Table Discussion Session I attached to this comment, but click back to Session I. This is a discussion of some of the BEST dads around from all walks of life answering questions both as married and single dads about being a good father. One of those questions was about how they acted when they first found out. More than 50% of them, even the married ones–sort of flipped out when they found out their girlfriends or wives were pregnant (myself included). Most of us sadly really didn’t get our acts together until after our children were born.
Sometime us unmarried guys need some time–and we REALLY step up to the plate and amaze everyone and become 1) super dads (my story) 2) get married, 3) sign our rights away and leave the picture completely, 4) become so-so co-parent, pay child support and see our kids some of the time.
1. CAT is right, there is little technically you can do ahead of time. I agree with her on the comments regarding on or off the birth certificate.
2. I think you shouldn’t rush marriage, take it off the table for now.
3. Give future dad some space, see if he wants to participate in doctor appointments, birthing classes etc.
4. Invite dad to the birth and ask him if he wants on or off the birth certificate.
5. After birth offer new dad the option of a) Terminate his parental rights or b) filing for his paternity rights, child support and visitation. Give him 3 days to decide. …DON’T influence him either way–let him study his heart and honor his decision.
6. Take your parents up on their offer and file legal action either way. Sounds cruel but Kelli is right, you don’t want this to drag out and you have to cover yourself in writing and on paper. The court will enforce child support and health insurance. Keep your receipts.
7. Finally take the next six-twelve months and see if you guys really love each other. Stay with your parents and become Super Mom. During this whole process you’ll get a clear picture of how this future dad will really be, step up, or step out. Who knows, he may surprise you, then you can talk about marriage or move on.
Hang in there, being a parent is one of the most wonderful aspects of life. Trust me there are greener pastures ahead.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Mocha Dad’s Fatherhood Roundtable Discussion Session II
A friend sent me this. I didn’t read through any previous comments so this may be repetitive. Some of this is similar to my story. But yet every story is different,every action is different, and every outcome is different. My only suggestion for this present moment is take care of yourself and your baby. Your health is far more important at this stage in the pregnancy. To worry about both of your healths right now should be the main focus. Take care of yourself before anyone else(and by taking care of yourself you are taking care of baby). For me it has always been more important for my daughter and my health to be to its fullest and then everything else can be sorted through after wards. I had a high risk pregnancy due to medical conditions and my external stress. I learned quickly how to manage both and found the balance and kept us both healthy and to this day we are both very healthy. Sorry I can only answer one of your questions. As the other two are two things I do not have the experience with… I do not want to speak without experience. Best of luck!
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Fred: We greatly appreciate hearing a father’s — yours! — point of view here. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a helpful comment.
Thanks, Kim G. for joining the conversation with the especially important reminder about keeping your own health (and, of course, the baby’s health) your first priority. Stress should be avoided during pregnancy . . .obviously.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
My boyfriend and I broke up before I discovered I was pregnant. When I told him he said from the beginning he wanted no part of it and then became very vindictive when I didn’t have an abortion and later sought child support.
My advice would be to go ahead and get legal advice now. And then act on it. Even though I began the process while still pregnant it still took me 5 months before I saw a dime of child support. In many states you can’t even file a motion for support until after the baby is born so it’s good to have the information you will need to best advocate for the rights and needs of your child now and make these decisions before you are also dealing with an infant.
Best of luck.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Being Unfaithful
Hi,
I’m not sure I can help as I’m in Australia and ours laws are probably different.
My daughters father walked when I was 4mths pregnant and became a real A-hole for the rest of the pregnancy. He didn’t know if he wanted to meet her or not or be involved. I tried taking the high ground, Be the nice one, keep it out of court etc.
But he got a paternity test done at birth (i’m still angry about that insult!) but by doing that he had to pay child support so it probably worked in my favour anyway. But because he’s on her birth certificate he has the same rights as myself to her although she lives with me because we don’t have a court order. He could take her tomorrow and I couldn’t call the police because its her dad. Parents don’t have ‘rights’ here, the child does. And that is the right to have a relationship with both parents.
My daughters dad came good when she was 8mths old. Really wanting to be involved not just send money. Now she’s 20mths old his visits are increasing. He lives and works 10hrs away so its not weekly, more every few months.
If you can keep it civil and nice and talk things out without fighting, eg; different parenting ideas and if you can trust him to always put your child 1st, you might not need to go to court.
Personally I wouldn’t be watching what I say incase it was too much for him to cope with right now etc. Thats what I did when I was pregnant with the small hope that when he saw her he would change his mind and come home. I should of been stronger and had more self respect and pride. We deserve men who step up to the plate and fight for there familys not run when things get tough! Be strong and confident and know that you will be a great mother and more than enough for your child to grow up into a balanced, healthy, happy person.
Good Luck. x
Twitter @ _katarena_
When I was about 3 months pregnant my boyfriend who had previously been so excited about our future and spending our lives together suddenly bailed as well.
Well, not so much bailed as cheated on me in my house, with a girl I knew so I kicked him to the curb. We later decided that regardless of our (non)relationship that we would coparent.
Well, almost 4 years later he has proven to be just as untrustworthy and unstable as he was when I was pregnant. He has shown zero interest in seeing or supporting my son. While I have always tried to encourage a relationship with him and my son I finally put my foot down and consulted an attorney this summer and he signed over his rights, no questions asked.
From day one I told him, in no uncertain terms that he had 2 years to get his act together and be a consistent part of D’s life. I allowed him to flit in and out for longer than that and I regret that terribly. I know that some people think that you should push for them to have a relationship you have to think about whether or not that relationship will be good for your child. If this man who was so sure of forever has bailed now the odds are that he will do so over and over again in the future. Legally, gain sole custody until he has proven himself to be a consistent role model.
That way, godforbid, if something happens to you, you know that your child will be taken care of by someone that he or she knows and that you trust. If the father steps up go from there. It will be so much better & easier legally if you do it now rather than waiting until he’s disappointed your child.
I am confused as to why you are all bashing the man, and not holding any responsibility for your own actions. Women should choose to date a stable, mature man before getting in bed with them, and no one would be in this situation.