Why do I have to go see Daddy?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
A conversation began yesterday on our @Twitter page that got us emotional. A perplexed single mom tweeted about her daughter’s meltdowns after she has been with her father. In the past, many of you have chimed in with helpful advice about how to cope when your kids come home dirty, disheveled, or just out of sorts, after spending time with the other parent. (Thanks for the tips!)
So, when this single mom posted about a worrisome co-parenting dilemma, we knew we could count on YOU. Here’s the situation: This single mom has a three-year-old daughter who has had overnight parenting time with her dad since she was six weeks old. Her ex was physically and emotionally abusive when they were married, although (fortunately), he has shown no signs of abuse towards their daughter.
However, this mom worries that her ex is not actually taking care of their daughter during this weekends. She explains: “My little one is a sleep deprived wreck when she returns. I can’t even pee alone. She cries and has nightmares for a night or two.”
Usually her daughter is glad to see Daddy – at least, at first. Lately, this single mom has detected some obvious ambivalence in her little girl about seeing and speaking to Daddy. Recently her daughter has begun to ask a difficult question: “Why do I have to go see Daddy?” * Sigh*
Not surprisingly, this single mom struggles with how to answer this question. She tells her daughter that Daddy wants to see her. And the judge said he could. She tries to explain how this situation is out of her hands. Trying to remain positive and upbeat, she tries to convince her daughter that she’ll have fun at Daddy’s house.
After all, this single mom asks (groan): “Isn’t watching TV all day and all night fun?”
We’re solo moms so our kids have never confronted us with this question. It’s SO helpful to get the perspective of other single parents who face similar co-parenting challenges. So, we’re asking you…
Do your kids ask this particular “Daddy” question?
If so, how do you respond?
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(Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Hilary)
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Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
Luckily, my daughter only sees her father at most, three times a year.
However, I remember as a young girl begging my mom not make me go to my dad’s house. I would hold on to the steering wheel as she would try to pull me out when it was time to go to daddy’s house. I would miss her terribly and never slept very well when I was with him. I would wake up in the middle of the night to call her asking her if I could come home.
Meanwhile, my father was not physically abusive—he just never paid attention to me; he would sit in front of the tube and smoke his heart out. It just never felt quite safe for me.
However, if I were a mom in that situation, I’m not sure if there’s even much I could do about it—because the judge gets to decide who is a fit parent. My heart goes out to the mom and little girl.
avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ DoktaDivah
This situation really makes me fearful. Although there seems to be no physical abuse directed towards the daughter, the history of physical *and emotional* abuse concerns me. A “sleep-deprived wreck” is a sign that “parenting” is not happening. Neglect IS abuse, so watching tv all day and night without any actual interaction from dad is problematic, especially for a 3yo.
While you don’t have to have identical parenting styles, basic care and comfort of your child should be something that both of you agree on. “She’s not bruised and bloody” isn’t a good enough indicator of your daughter’s wellbeing. Children are smart and understand basic self-preservation. If she suddenly does not want to go, there’s a reason.
Lisa R.´s last blog ..Project Single Moms and Free Money for School!!
I’m interested to see the responses on this one, because I have no idea what she should do.
I know my son doesn’t always want to even talk to his dad on the phone, and his dad gets angry. I try to stay out of it. Luckily, like avigail74, my little one doesn’t have to spend time with dad that often because he lives out of state.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
This is a really tough situation. I can relate to it on MY end of things.. having an addict as an ex, I worry about overnight stays with my kids – which is why it doesn’t happen anymore [and after threatening to strip him of ALL parental rights, which meant a trial, he agreed].
My kids love spending time with their dad. But he’s very in-and-out of their lives. He will see them several times in one month, and then go weeks, months, without see them or calling. So when they do spend time with their dad, insecurities start to arise at home. My oldest daughter has even asked my mother, “Is Mommy going to leave to?” Recently, I had just gotten them back into the routine of sleeping in their beds.. last week they saw their dad for the first time in weeks, and now they are back to either sleeping with me or my mom.
I would advise the mom to call her local court office, and speak to someone in Domestic Relations. Explain to them what is going on: the daughter is upset, she’s coming home sleep deprived, etc. Mention his history of abuse as well. I’m sure the mom could go before a judge and see if visitation can be revised – to where overnight visits are not mandatory, unless the daughter feels comfortable.. or something to that effect.
Jenni´s last blog ..It’s In The Genes
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I just suddenly remembered, my lawyer who was helping me through the divorce mentioned that we, as parents, have very right to request a psychological test done on the parent (she believes that if the parent is truly incompetent, it will show up on the test. Perhaps, the mom could request one—but like Jenni suggested—maybe the mother needs to be more aggressive and proactive in protecting her little girl by calling Domestic Relations and/or calling a family lawyer who is familiar with her situation.
avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ divorcedwomen
“And the judge said he could. She tries to explain how this situation is out of her hands.”
The above statement doesn’t sound like a positive and upbeat explanation as to why the youngster has to go to Daddy’s. If I were 3 and someone told me I had to do something because a judge said so, it would more than likely scare the pants off of me.
What does a three year old know about judges? Why tell her that it is “out of her hands?”
Just my opinion but it is not unusual for a 3 year old to have separation anxiety. It makes since to me that wanting to be with mommy, where she spends most of her time would be ner natural inclination.
Why not tell her that she has to go to Daddy’s house because Daddy loves her as much as mommy and wants to spend time with her? Tell her that it is different at Daddy’s house but that it is OK for it to be different. That mommy loves her and daddy loves her and mommy will make sure she is safe.
My son used to come home from weekends with his Dad dirty, tired and cranky. It would take two days for us to get back into our routine and for him to get rid of the attitude.
His father was the most emotionally abusive man I’ve ever known. He was emotionally abusive toward me, not the children. I knew that when he was with his Dad he was staying up late, playing hard, eating junk. Not my parenting style but it was also not my parenting time so I had no control over any of it.
Unless a parent suspects abuse a child should be uncouraged to love and want to spend time with the non-custodial parent. Telling them the judge said so isn’t encouragement. That plays into any fears the child may have. It is almost like putting her in the role of a victim of the family court system instead of teaching her that she is loved by both parents.
Twitter @ BrerMatt
I agree with everything Cathy said.
Something that may help would be to send favorite things with the daughter when she goes that she can do independently so she has more to do than just sit and watch TV. Definitely a stuffed animal she likes, maybe some games she can play by herself, a puzzle, books.
Three is a rough age. But instilling the routine at home will cause it to carry over at the dads home too. Give a bath every day at X time, sleep at Y time, etc.
My son is 8, and only with me on weekends, and still I’ve struggled with getting him to take regular baths at his mom’s house for years.
BrerMatt: Thanks for joining the conversation. Single dads are always welcome here.
Twitter @ lildevilmama
My son will be 4 in July and just started this one. When I speak with him when he’s with his Dad he sounds happy and like he’s having a blast. But yeah, when he comes back its not my kiddo. It’s a hopped up version of him that has had two days of chaos.
I talk to him, ask him what they did and what was good and what he didn’t like. I tell him its okay to be honest and tell his Bio that he’s not having fun or that he’s tired. I’m working on empowering him to stand up for himself when he’s there and I’m not. It is tough if there is really no abuse like in my situation and just a ‘Disneyland Dad’ who tries to shove too much into two days.
However, I agree with the poster who said ‘nelgect is abuse’…talk to your child and tell her that she can tell you anything. Do you have phone contact throughout the visit? Make sure she understands that she has two parents that love her but that they are different and that’s okay. Get legal advice or have her speak to a third party. My son’s Dad is not a bad person he just refuses to maintain the routine I keep and I’m aware of that and make sure I’m ready for it when my sond comes home.
Good luck!
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I’m sorry–but I have to intervene—what good does it do to tell the child that daddy loves her if he’s not paying attention to her? That’s a false kind of love. That is wrong. That is setting the child up for thinking that kind of love is healthy—when in fact, it isn’t. However, I do agree that it’s probably also not healthy for the mom to say the she has to see her dad because the judge said that he could see her.
The child is deprived, clingy and has nightmares when she returns from her father’s house—something is not right with this picture. That’s not love. A child returning from a healthy house would be able to transition from one place to another with minimal problems. I know, I was a stepmother—my stepdaughter loved being with us just as much as her mother. That’s healthy.
I’m remembering as I write—my father and I were arguing bitterly to the point that I was afraid he would get physical with me (sometimes he did) and my stepmother told me this: Your father loves you, that’s why he’s so hard on you. Logical? Nope! Love is never supposed to hurt! Ever!
avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Avigail: It’s always so good to hear from you. Thank you, thank you!!
Wow. I thought I was reading about myself and my situation with my daughter after reading this post. My 3 1/2 year-old-daughter has not wanted to see her father for the last couple months. He sees her for a 24 block every weekend, so there is an overnight. (I filed for divorce when our daughter was 3 months old due to his abusive nature which increased after the birth of our daughter.) To my knowledge he has never been abusive toward her; however, he does not respect her boudaries and constantly asks her questions.
My daughter worries all week about seeing him. She constantly asks me if she has to see him and when I tell her she will get to see him in a few days, she cries. I do not ask her too many questions about this as I do not want to put words in her mouth or ideas in her head. I ask her why she doesn’t want to see Daddy. She often replies, “I want to stay home with you.” She has told me her beloved blanket (transitional item) “doesn’t like it at Daddy’s and wants to come home.” She tells me she misses me.
Our daughter has also said she sleeps “with Daddy in Daddy’s bed.” I don’t understand this because she sleeps in her own bed at home and never sleeps with me. I asked her why she sleeps with Daddy and not in her own bed and she says, “Because I miss Mommy” and cries.
Our exchanges have been terrible for the last couple months. Our daughter used to be excited too see her dad but now does not want to go. Nothing has changed in our lives. There are no signifiant others, no moves, etc. When our daughter sees him at the exchange she screams hysterically and clings to me, crying “Mommy!” What does not help the situation is how her dad responds. He yells at me, “What have you done to her?!” “We’re going to talk about this later!!” he threatens. I am calm and tell our daughter I will see her tomorrow and that I love her. I know to make the exchanges quick. I leave, but she cries for a long time after I leave as the restaurant workers where we have the exchange voluntarily tell me the next day.
I help our daughter talk to her father on the phone for a few minutes once or twice a week. There are photos available of them for her to look at. I am upbeat about her spending time with him. I tell her that she will have fun and remind her how fun it is to play with some different toys. I remind her that she likes to eat dinner out with him. I also let her know she’s not missing anything fun at home when she’s with her dad: I do laundry, vaccuum, etc. I also tell her, “You get to go see your dad today. It will be so much fun. He loves to see you and misses you so much.” I speak in terms of reward: it is a nice treat to see him. None of this works.
I am worried that this is not just “a phase” and that I am lying to my daughter about the fun she will have with her dad. I think it is in her best interest to not have overnights with him; he lives 8 miles away, so there is no reason for her to spend the night, especially if she won’t sleep in her own bed at his place. What if something really wrong is occurring there? How will I know? I found out through his family members during our divorce that he comes from a long line of abusers: emotional, physical and sexual.
After I pick up our daughter from the exchanges she is exhausted for a couple days and isn’t herself. She wants me to hold her constantly, becomes upset easily, and tells me that she never has to see her father again. I remind her that she will see him next weekend.
I know that her dad’s reaction to her crying for me at the exchanges is not helping the situation. He asks her in a firm tone, almost yelling, “What’s wrong?” as he wrenches her from my arms and holds her against him so she can’t see me. Of course there’s something wrong here. I wish he could see that he needs to calm down. I have tried to calmly explain to him (not in front of our daughter) that this is probably just a phase and to not take it personally. He thinks I’m doing something to turn her against him; he couldn’t be further from the truth.
How do I know if this isn’t just a phase? I am seeing our parenting coordinator tomorrow. Hopefully he can shed some light on this behavior. I do welcome others’ insights and would like to know if others have experienced the same.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Erin, thank you for sharing your story here. Let’s see what other parents have to say, and please keep us in touch re: what your parenting coordinator advices. Thinking about you!
I too experience the same problem. Both my son and daughter do not want to go with their father for designated times. I remain open minded, remind them that daddy loves them and wants to see them. It is very difficult to deal with when their father would rather sit them in front of tv or is too busy to interact because of all of his girlfriends on twitter and Facebook but as a mom it is our job to remain optimistic because deep down we know that what is best for our children is a loving relationship with both parents.
Twitter @ http://smarttalkers.blogspot.com
Im late to this discussion as Ive only just found you. My situation is the same as Lisa above. He always gets a babysitter for at least 1 of his nights per weekend (sees them every other weekend). They cry and dont want to go then theyre very different when they come home and so are a nightmare for a few hours while they settle down again. Im at the point of asking myself if its worth putting them and me through it!
They are 7 and 10. My social life is better if he has them but at what price?
Libby´s last blog ..Grumpy old woman- sad observations of society
I’m late on this, but I have lots experience with this unfortunately. I have 3 kids, 2 dads. I have experience with good dad and bad dad. First ex is bad dad and second ex is good dad.
I agree and disagree with so much above; where to start…
First, I have to say that talking about Judges and Courts and “because he gets to” is very emotionally wrecking on a child at any age. I don’t think a child should ever really be told the down and dirty of the court battles. At some point, they do have to go because the Judge said so BUT they cannot even comprehend what that means. A child wants to please. Everyone. Bad dad, good dad, judge, neighbor… That said, I would suggest ANYTHING but “because the Judge said he could”. My ex told the kids we went to court, the judge said they had to and if they didn’t they would be in contempt. Don’t get me started on the psychological effect it had.
In addition, this kind of communication clearly communicates to the child that mom and dad aren’t working together and aligns the child with you. While you might not actually be working together with dad, this should be transparent to the kids. Trust me, I know how hard it is but it is the RIGHT THING for the kids. Using language like “I know it’s hard” or “I miss you so much when you’re gone” is horribly detrimental to any relationship the kid may have with the other parent. I know that in many cases this type of language isn’t meant to be detrimental but it is.
Try to use language that is supportive EVEN if you are not.
No matter how much WE despise the other parent they are the childs parent and they should be allowed the opportunity to have a relationship. The child should feel that they have the freedom to pursue a relationship with the other parent and they should feel that they have your support in doing so. AS LONG AS the child isn’t being abused physically or emotionally.
If the child truly isn’t being abused but simply has Disney Dad trying fit everything in in 1-2 days. It really isn’t all that bad. And it isn’t abusive.
Good dad was Disney dad in the beginning. It was awful. My kid would come home totally exhausted from no bed time, full of junk food and tons of new toys. For me this was EXTREMELY difficult because he was grumpy and spoiled. He did the “dad lets me” and so on. I just had to deal with it because I had to understand that dad loved his boy and really missed out on a lot of his life. And trying to fit two weeks into 3 days every other week was what he was doing. I had to pick up the pieces in the end but I did it. For my son.
My son hated coming back from Disney’s dad but we talked. So I was on the other end of the spectrum. We told him, on our own, that we both loved him very much and that even though he can’t live with dad that mom could give him what he needed every day. And that mom and dad both agreed the situation was best for HIM. Okay, I get that not all parents can talk like this but YOU have to do it on your end. Even if the other parent can’t.
I wanted to get mad and sometimes I did because I really wanted him to be DAD and not Disney Dad but his intentions were good. We talked a lot about what and why he did what he did and he did it out of desperation to be with his son and to see him have fun and he only had 3 days to do this. He is much better now a days.
I probably dealt with this much better because of my experience with bad dad. Without knowing what bad dad really is, I probably wouldn’t have been so willing to just deal with picking up the pieces. In fact, I know I wouldn’t.
Now to bad dad. Bad dad did nothing with the kids. NOTHING. He slept a lot and the kids HATED going. I literally had to pull them out the door. Picture the dog getting a bath, holding out all fours on the door. This isn’t enough to get parenting time changed, trust me. Bad dad got remarried and had more kids. Stepmom was Disney mom at first but it wasn’t real. When reality set in, Wicked Witch came out. The kids watched the smaller kids and cleaned the house. I am talking cleaning floors, dishes, washing windows and doing EVERYONE’s laundry. Every other weekend. The kids weren’t allowed to have fun until chores were done.
Dad even did the Cinderella joke one time when my son cried because he didn’t want to do his chores.
Bad dad told the kids mom was a controlling b*($% and since they didn’t have chores at my house, he would make up for it. Um, they did chores at my house but they weren’t slaves or Cinderella.
I could go on for days. And yet, when I tried to get full custody of the kids he fought me – for money reasons. In fact, he fought me for FULL custody because *I* was neglecting them and turning them against him. And because he fought me the courts viewed this as a supportive dad and unsupportive mom. Our court system is backward and thinks that kids should be with dad even if it isn’t a good situation. It really sucks for the kids.
We went through a child advocate and her report was concrete. Dad wasn’t involved with the kids and he wanted them for monetary reasons and yet he still got 4 overnights every other weekend.
Finally, one of my kids threatened suicide, put holes in my walls weekly because he was angry. He tore his room apart on a regular basis. He told the therapist he didn’t sleep at his dads house. He wandered around the house in the dark because he was anxious and it was so awful for me to hear.
I fought again for custody. Although I haven’t gotten it legally dad hasn’t even contacted the kids for over a year.
Even through all of this I never involved them in the nitty gritty even when dad did. Of course we had to go through the child advocate so they knew but I tried my hardest to make it seem like I was supportive of fixing the situation so they could be with their dad happily.
It killed me. It killed my soul and I cried daily. But today I am so thankful that I can say I didn’t make the situation worse for them. And they know it.
I guess my only advice is that you have to make the best of a shitty situation. It sucks. BIGTIME. But, I would suggest that you talk to your child and act supportive of dad. “Dad loves you and Mom loves you and we both want to spend time with you.” Leave out the “I miss you’s” and “I’m sorry but you have to go’s”. I assure you that this will relieve some of the childs stress in an already stressful situation. And who knows, maybe neglectful dad will find it easier to deal with when the kid isn’t crying for mom and anxious because mom misses her and is sorry.
I know that most of us have really good intentions but look beyond your good intentions to see the effect on your child. It could be eye opening and put at least some fixes on a bad situation.
Jane
Twitter @ StepfamilyTalk
I am the product of having parents in three households. My birth-family failed when I was three, then I was adopted by extended family members a few months before my 6th birthday. One parent kept me sane, the others caused heartache.
A child is powerless over adults and knows it just as a child who has been over-empowered knows that, too. Kids just want to know they will be safe and genuinely cared for by dad while away from the special touch of mom. Kids really need both parents to have emotional balance in life, especially at school and among their peers. Clearly, parental differences exist or needs went unmet or mom and dad would still be together, right? The key is focusing on the benefits (the sizzle) of going to dad’s house, not the difficulties. Sell the sizzle and the kids will buy the steak even if it tastes bad – even bitter or sour flavors go away after a while, right? I’m not saying dad will go away but that the bitterness will subside in time if moms are willing to look beyond today.
Mom’s verbal and non-verbal behaviors act as barometers from which kids will draw their sense of well-being – or not. I am giving some moms a hard pill to swallow right now; much of kids’ anxiety stems from mom. When you are handing off your children, you are not handing them off to someone who wants to see them dead, but kids often feel that fear or anger in mom. It is not only what you say but what you don’t say that can constructively help the children to have a better time while they are away and to adjust when they return. Your eyes have it. Be mindful of what your eyes are saying.
I have seen many moms who silently rejoice in their children’s anxiety for self-centered reasons. Come on now, many readers know they want their kids to want, like and love them more than dad. You can make all the right moves on the outside, but until your inside has truly put your kids hearts first, there is going to be something out of sync, unspoken, that your kids will pick up on right through your eyes. I know because I did as a kid.
Role play with kids to prepare them for transitions and always reassure them that they will be fine no matter how different it is at dad’s house because if any abuse goes on, you are all over it like bees on the honeycomb. Send them over respectful toward dad and stepmom because it makes it easier on them when they are not in trouble for a bad attitude. Help older kids think of the sizzle the future holds for maintaining a relationship with dad today. There are many good remarks in posts above. Hold onto the positive, release the adverse thoughts that steal peace and teach your children to do the same mindful of the fact that childhood is not forever and with the future is the opportunity to choose.
Twitter @ AWonder
This certainly is a difficult situation. Having lived through it, I think I can share some things. However difficult and uncomfortable it may be you may have to talk to the father. Things are different in house and children love to have familiar surroundings that remind them of home: stuffed animals, favorite blankets, night lights or a favorite snack. The conversation is not about what he’s doing wrong; it’s about helping the child cope with an already difficult situation. Children handle stress so differently than adults. My children would be glued to my hip, whiny or easy to cry. I’d explain to my little ones that Daddy’s house can be their house and that they can ask for the things they want because I know their father loves them. The key here is not to tear down or add angst to the situation but to create the illusion that as the Mom, I’m not picking sides or creating a division. I didn’t like my ex, but he was still the father and I wasn’t going to take that from him. Instead, I choose to help him.
I had the kids draw pictures, make videos or anything fun about what they really liked about their time with their father. However small it was, I said thank you to him and had the children do the same. Yes, the child is 3 years old but it can work, even if it’s just a little. Now that my treasures are 13 and 11, they still get a little apprehensive but once we get to talking about the things they liked about the visit, most times the dislikes often get overrun with the good stuff.
It is a hard situation but it certainly isn’t impossible. It will hurt, take a lot of time and energy and some times you’ll feel like it’s not worth it; but your child is always worth it. Life is too short. My children have a relationship with their Dad. It’s not the Huxtables but it is something and they’re happy. At the end of the day, that proves it’s really worth it.
Hang in there and don’t give up!