When the new wife gets in the way of co-parenting
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships
Many of you write about how complicated things can get when you — or your ex — gets remarried. And that’s exactly why this single mom of a seven-year-old son wrote to us this month.
Here’s what this single mom told us.
So, when this single mom was pregnant, they broke up. Her husband left her for another woman. Unbelievably, the first time this single mom met her husband’s new girlfriend was in the delivery room! “They were stitching me up and she walked in and asked if she could hold the baby,” she recalls. “I hadn’t even held him yet!”
Her ex and his new wife have since moved to the other side of the country, and they have two kids together (one of whom is only a year younger than her son). Fortunately, her ex pays child support — and covers the annual trip for their son to visit him. This is where things get complicated: her ex’s new wife challenges almost every parenting decision this single mom makes.
For example, when this single mom’s son asked to play rugby — and his father was very supportive of this — she signed her son up. But his new wife called the following week, saying that rugby was too dangerous. She was very angry, and said this boy should be pulled off the team.
This single mom is proud to have a well-paying job that supports herself and her son. She’s grateful that her ex doesn’t shirk his child support obligations. Still, his second wife will email regularly to ask specific questions about how this single mom is using child support payments. One time, his new wife even said, “I think you should sign away your custodial rights so I can be the mother.”
We can’t help but wonder what’s going on emotionally with the new wife. Surely she had to know that her husband’s relationship with his ex is forever, thanks to the son they have together.
This single mom would love to have a smooth co-parenting relationship with her ex. But how?
This single mom needs YOU to help her figure out what to do …
What’s really behind these angry calls and off the wall comments from the new wife?
Should she discuss this situation with her ex or just try to handle it on her own?
Is it possible that her ex knows all about his new wife’s antics?
…
CUT… My son is 7
he met her when I was 7 months pregnant and she moved provinces to be with him when I was 9 months along….the first time I met her was when she walked into my delivery room as they finished stiching me up asking to hold my baby….I hadn’t even held him yet!
they now have 2 children together one is 6 as she got “accidentally” pregnant when our son was 6 months old the other is 1 now….and they live on the other side of the country. she now thinks I should give up my support or pay half the cost for my son to go out and visit them….when I was told when they moved that it was what is best for his family. that and the support papyment will help in the purchase of a trailer to camp with as they baby could not go camping if all they have is a tent.
I was asked to give up my current daycare that I love…for one that costs less because they are tired of paying so much
I got harrassed when I bought a new couch and tv with my tax return as I was accused of using the child support to buy these things….I work a full time job giving me a very good salary
and they would like me to sign off giving her custodial rights to my son as well, cause she is his parent too…
I am not sure there is a sane way to deal with crazy people……in the last 7 years this is just the tip of the crazy iceberg I deal with
but if you think you can help
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
Related posts:
- When Father’s Day is a parenting crisis Our active and growing Twitter community keeps us instantly up to date on what matters to YOU. And we love...
- Pregnant and the father is married. Help! Note: Post updated below… A distraught pregnant young woman contacted us today to ask our advice. Here’s her dilemma: The...
- What role will this dad play in his baby’s life? We’re wondering how many of you became single parents when your kids were infants? Or even before your baby was...
- Does co-parenting mean a trip to Disney World with my ex? If you’re divorced and co-parenting, you know just how much work it takes to move on and cooperate. So, when...
Follow Singlemommyhood on Twitter
Twitter @ notthecar
Ignore her. Block her emails let her calls go to voicemail. The only person you need to clear things with is your ex. If he agrees end of story she doesn’t get the 3rd vote.
By answering her you are validating her. There is no reason that when you an your ex agree she should even be given a say in the matter. I don’t know why she’s doing it but if it’s to get under your akin it’s working. It’s up to you to bring it to your ex’s attention. You should but that doesn’t mean it will stop. It might get better or worse just remember, your ex is involved and joint descions stop at his mouth not plus hers.
Kia´s last blog ..NotTheCar: @shoppnmom wish you could do that for southwest. I checked in 12 mins after the 24hr clock got the last 2 section A. #notpaying4upgrade
Wow, yeah, this is a whole new brand of crazy. Keep in mind the judgment this woman has in general, she barged in on your child’s birth! I have to second Kia’s suggestion, keep the communication between you and your son’s Dad, and be greatful she lives across the country and that you don’t have to deal with her on a weekly basis.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
1.) I would have sent that woman packing if she came walking into MY delivery room. Seriously?! Who does that?!
2.) She is NOT the son’s mother. And she has a lot of nerve to even suggest that parental rights be signed over. Again, WHO DOES THAT?!
The wife sounds like she’s off her rocker. But guess what’s good news for this mom? She’s not obligated to deal with it!
If I were this mother, I would write this woman a short and to the point e-mail: She is not this child’s mother, she legally has no say what he does or doesn’t do, and you are offended by her comments and actions. And then tell her that her e-mail address is being blocked, and you will no longer communicate with her.
Just because she’s married to this mom’s ex-husband doesn’t give this woman ANY parental rights. NONE. She needs to be reminded of that.
I would also e-mail or call the ex-husband explaining the situation. The mom should just nicely say she feels the wife is over stepping her boundaries, and all communication will only be done with the ex-husband, NOT the wife.
The wife sounds either mentally unstable, or bored. Either can lead to someone attempting to cause a lot of drama.
Jenni´s last blog ..Dating. And The Single Mom.
deflect all of her correspondence and questions to your ex-husband. you shouldn’t have to engage with her at all, especially with her being across the country. of course, if your son tells you of problems with her, speak to your ex. and if she get to an abusive stage, call a lawyer. document everything you can. and forget about it as best you can. it is none of her business how you run your life or spend your money!
Twitter @ lildevilmama
I agree with Jenni and Kia!
This woman is building something for her own security and this Mom doesn’t need to feed into that false sense of ownership over this situation. This is a conversation I would’ve had with the exhusband a long time ago.
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I feel for this single mom – and I can relate. My ex’s wife is a sociopath; very smart, cunning, manipulative and NO conscience whatsoever. She gets what she wants no matter what an without regard to who gets hurt in the process, in fact, that’s a bonus for her.
My advice is to get a good therapist and do your best to ignore her meddling and need to control. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her pulling your ex’s strings and you will have to deal with that, but stop communicating with her.
In the delivery room? Really? She sure has a set – look out!
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..The Lost Week
Twitter @ _katarena_
This woman is nuts! I would definitely block her emails, phone calls & any other form of communication. Any further correspondence needs to be handled through the father. He is the only one this poor mother needs to be dealing with.
I think the wife probably has some serious communication with the boy’s father & is taking it out on the single mom. She doesn’t deserve another minute of this mom’s time.
Kate´s last blog ..Thursday Randoms: Volume II
Twitter @ psychdaddy
Good advice in the comments. Co-parenting is important for the child’s wellbeing. Confining your parenting relationship to the ex can help establish good boundaries. Ex needs to be the only other decision maker in this parenting relationship. I imagine you will have to make the point with both of them several times before it sticks.
I would do a few things. First, go through custody agreement and highlight parts that pertain – most agreements have sections about ex’s staying out of other parent’s financial business, personal life, etc. There’s probably also a section about who pays for the flight to father’s home. There is probably also a section about custodial parent having sole decision-making power for day-to-day things. Scan and send to ex with short, simple message: 1. we are the only 2 people who will discuss son. 2. all communication will be via email. 3. new wife may not make decisions for son. 4. new wife’s emails will not be tolerated and will be considered harassment from this point forward. Then, STOP reading anything that comes from new wife. Then, REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT until it becomes second nature that she may not ask anything of you, demand anything of you, communicate with you, threaten you. NEVER answer her or your ex Qs about money – they are not legally entitled to this info. They should not know that you got a tax return! (and neither should your child). Then, document everything in case this escalates where you want to pursue harassment charges, custodial changes, etc. Lastly, read up on LOW CONTACT. You are the perfect candidate to use low contact with your ex and his wife – ONLY respond to emails concerning the children specifically, and only those issues that NEED a response. And finally – good luck!!!
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Wow…
Now ya’ll know I can usually see both sides but to me? It sounds like this dad/her ex is PUSSY WHIPPED.
If you’ll pardon the expression…
I mean, if a man will allow his new girlfriend to traipse into a delivery room and ask to hold his child from his wife?? I mean really?!? He need to grow a pair and step up to this new woman.
I agree with everyone else here. This single mom’s only obligation is to work with her ex. The new wife needs to be told, FLAT OUT, that her actions will not be tolerated.
If her ex isn’t going to do it, she needs to put her foot down. Period.
T´s last blog ..Badass Single Mama (with awesome friends)
Twitter @ ModSingleParent
I agree with the others who said to cut off communication with this woman. Write an email or letter to the child’s father letting him know that communication with his wife is no longer tolerable or accepted, and that all dealings regarding your child will be between him and you. There is no reason you should have to talk to her unless there is an emergency situation.
I have had to do this in the past, and it works wonders!
Twitter @ reluctantX
Wow, sounds like this lady is the conductor on the Crazy Train. The ex-husband needs to step up and put a stop to this. He’s the boy’s parent; the new wife isn’t, won’t be, and apparently shouldn’t be.
reluctantX´s last blog ..Drawing the line on emotional involvement
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I’m with the previous commenters- ignore ignore ignore. Call the ex for everything. She can ask all the questions and raise all the ruckus she wants, but if you don’t respond she won’t get validated. You and ex’s child… not hers. She has absolutely no authority.
Cat´s last blog ..Update
Twitter @ solomother
Man, reading this gave me a panic attack. Let’s hear it for containing and quaranteening the Crazy in this single mom’s life.
One other piece of advice: don’t read the woman’s emails, but don’t throw them away. Set up a filter that puts the straight into their own file. If need be, a lawyer can sift through them.
LUCK!
Twitter @ gritbuffnailpol
Single mom, that is a tough and crazy situation and I think everyone has given you some great advice here, steps to move forward with. 1. Set boundries 2. Stop communicating with crazy woman 3. Don’t read 4. Log everything. I second all of them. It may be tough but you are obviously tougher. I think my favorite saying from my mom is in order here, “Tougher than all shit and twice as ugly!”. Take care, and good luck!
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Wow. I’d be tempted to ask her if I need her help to wipe my butt too! Well, not really.
What part of “its none of your business” does she not understand? Child support is court ordered and not her business to reduce. Just because you receive it does not mean you have to share your accounts with them. A couch and a TV are hardly luxuries. It was their choice to move across the country, not yours, so they need to pay for that choice or deal with the consequences. And I’ve camped with a baby in a tent, that one doesn’t even make any sense.
Ignore her emails, or forward them to your ex and ask him if all this is his idea. He’s the other parent, he abandoned you when you were pregnant, but he’s the one you need to be dealing with.
alley´s last blog ..Days like these
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I once had a therapist tell me—that once I’d stop playing this harassing game that my ex-husband USED to play with me (call me up with threats and telling me that I was doing everything wrong), then my ex will stop. These were her very words: He will stop when you stop.
Huh? Was she saying that I was feeding fuel to the fire? I was! People who are abusive, manipulative, conniving, etc, etc choose victims who allow them to make the flames of the fire burn higher.
So what did I have to do? Stop. Stop all contact with him—stop calling him/returning his calls, reading e-mails and jumping when he says: jump. It worked like magic! Now he’s off to bother someone else.
BTW: My lawyer even suggested that I have someone else read the e-mails and listen to voice mails and let me know if it was anything important—and if I needed to, I could put a restraining order on his phone harrassment—I ended up not needing to because I stop playing his game.
Hope this helps—everyone else has fabulous suggestions!
Twitter @ tashsparkles
Wow. Wow. Wooooow.
The next time you get a crazy email from her, forward to her husband with a note “please take care of this.”
Keep all the crazy emails and voicemails in case she forces the issue and you have to settle this in court (criminal or civil).
Keep you head up, sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job.
I have to wonder…perhaps she’s jealous of you. I wonder if the X throws you in his new wife’s face?
Good luck!!!
Natasha´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday 6
thank you for all of the advice…however the new wife is in charge of anything financial so …. she emails the child support monthly…making sure there are no “over payments” as if that even exists. I have not spoken to her in 4 years, but she controls him and changes the dicisions that he has made. I generaly go with the origional decision …. but I have to put my son first and not put him in the middle.
sbe is a destroyer of lives, his parents are now on the verge of divorce because of her. Grandpa sucks up her @#R#$# and Grandma won’t anymore…they are fighting because if you don’t play by her rules you don’t see your grandchildren. she will use anything to control all around her.
mentally unstable is bot even close to what we are dealing with. Essance of evil is more like it.
Lynn – it doesn’t matter who controls the finances. Don’t let that be a factor in any decision you make. When it comes down to it, if you don’t receive child support payment, the state will garnish his wages. The new wife wouldn’t be able to control that. I think the same thing happens if he fails to pay his portion of a medical bill.
It saddens me to hear you’ve been dealing with this for 7 years. I’m in a similar situation, but my baby is only 2. Keep your cool. Never talk badly about either of them to your son (and like you said, don’t put him in the middle). Good luck…I know (from experience) how much of a pain it can be.
Thanks, Booksi, for joining the conversation and sharing your own *painful* experiences. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Welcome @booski and thanks for sharing your own thoughts. We look forward to hearing from your about how you and your baby are doing!
Good for you for putting your son first and not allowing him to be stuck in the middle. Keep taking the “high road”. How sad that your former in-laws’ marriage has been effected by her unbalanced behavior. Actually, I think we are past “annoying” and well into “mental illness” with this woman.
Speak only to your ex about issues, continue to save her calls/emails in case you need to make a legal case. If the child support payments stop coming, get your attorney involved. Deal with it all legally and above-board for the sake of your son and your sanity. I wish you the very best. You sound like a hard-working, level-headed and excellent mom.
Tam: Thanks so much for your common sense, supportive advice. We’re so pleased you joined the conversation.
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
Wait wait wait….back the fuck up….
The bitch came into YOUR delivery room???? And walked out on her own feet?! OMFG….how did you NOT kill her? Too sore from birth (so was I)
What kind of jackfuck, sick and twisted bitch walks into another womans delivery room?! It wasnt bad enough she was banging your man?! Icka!
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..“How far to heaven Just open your eyes and look You are in Heaven” -Shankar
Twitter @ http://www.aboutdivorce.org/blog
i would say ignorance is the best policy, the more you let them talk, the more rubbish they will talk